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  1. And what really makes me angry is that she knew my dad was in the hospital five days ago and she couldn’t friggin call me ??????? Five friggin days ago you knew this Marilyn and you thought you would tell me Friday right before my holiday . You’re a . Feel like calling her right now because she’s going on holidays today and telling her what her nice fabulous brother did. Do you want to know that your other brother is a rapist and a child molester I hope you have a good holiday .
  2. Being the only child I had never experienced such thing when you see your parents involved with your cousin more than you. My mom's brother is abroad and he left his son here with us. I don't really have anything against him and I really love this child but ever since he came to live with us I felt distinct from my family and felt like my mom didn't love me because she really loves but because I'm her child and that she must. He has blended really well in our family which is a great thing but not really. My parents don't seem to talk to me anymore except for some important things like lunch, dinner, school and stuffs. They feel comfortable leaving the house with my cousin without considering me. But the main thing here is my mother. My mother hasn't really been much of a speaker when it comes to me. She barely talks to me when we're alone but she smiles and socializes with others. But I always feel hurt when I see my mom cherishing my cousin. He really is a lovely child and does enlightens the mood but all I wished was for my mom to consider me as well. I know that my mom has been through a lot when I was young. My mother claims that living with my dad's side of family was like hell to her (she used to share her past story occasionally). Considering how she always talks about her and my dad's sacrifices for me, I should've felt more motivated to do something meaningful but it has made me feel like my existence was like a burden to them as of fact that we aren't really well off. For the record, I have never heard my mom praise me. Even if there were it wouldn't cross more than 5 times that I know of, but she praises my cousin like every single day. You can't really accuse me here saying I'm a bad sister because I have more that one cousin from my mother's side of family itself but I have never seen her so determined to take care of kids, she evens once said that she somehow feels some kind of attachment with my cousin(which she probably doesn't feel with me). Now that it's been months he's staying with us, I can't seem to keep up with reality anymore. When I stay in living room I feel unwanted witnessing unfair treatment and when I stay in my room my dad gets angry saying I spend too much time in my gadgets and not study. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do anymore. I know my mom loves my but how much is it really. Is it worth saying that she loves me that much that she risked her life giving birth to me?
  3. Hi all, I want to know if anyone has ever felt lazy but been powerless to overcome it. Like right now I could be studying but there's no fibre in my being that is inclined to make me do so. It's like I think about needing to do something, and get hit with a wave of fatigue and don't feel like I have the energy to actually do it. But what's more annoying is that once I really get motivated to do something and get right on it the motivation dies really quickly and I start flagging again, lose concentration, and get frustrated. What does this sound like and is there a cure? Is it just lazy or could it be bad sleep or something else? Some say it sounds like A.D.D. but I have a hard time believing it, I come from a pretty switched on family and blood line that isn't predisposed to those sorts of things. I'm the youngest of four brothers, could it be that my life was just too easy or something? TEJC
  4. This is a very rough draft, sorry in advance for the depressing content. Read it with some rythm as if it were in a song, beacause I'm going to put it in a song. I know a pretty little girlie with some holes in her arms When she walks around in public they got security on her She’s only 18 but she’s already a goner As far as the worlds concerned Yeah Little lady done crashed and burned Happen to know that she was born into a busted home Got a brother who would touch her When nobody was home Now the brothers locked in jail, but the damage is done Set his sister up to crash and burn Yeah And nobody in the worlds concerned The boys will show her to the party Maybe get her acting naughty Give her some shiny pills And teach her how to act Never had no boyfriend Had a lot of Yeah Her only homies who have got her back She’ll get ‘em back when they hop in the sack Her bodies are a tool, and she’ll get what she wants to get Free bottles of gin, and she’ll drink ‘till she’s sick of it Drink till she’s drunk, then still drink a little bit Baby girls a long way from home But you know that she’s still on her own Yeah Hennessey, Ecstasy and Patron She’s next to me, so I’m jumping her bones Party dies, so hypnotize them Shake those hips, and lick your lips Got her Red dress on, and nobodies home Girl does what she can for me She’ll get what I got for free Yeah man It’s a up scene brother Turn south at Pipe Dreams that The needles cold but it heats her And she’ll give back Till the thing eats her
  5. I've had bad luck before but recently I crashed my car and a chain of bad luck started to happen. Many times I would hurt myself some how or do something wrong or get picked for something that would hurt me. I just realized that now so I can't remember much of what has happened to be but I've been depressed for over 2 months. I swear to god everything works against me, even god. I crashed my car nearly 2 months ago and after a week my brother got one of his friends to fix it real cheap ($1100). Good luck? no. One month later he returned the car but it was sent back because he forgot to fix the the back door (up to $2100). 3-4 days ago my mom was suppose to pick up the car while I was at work. I came home to more bad news. The car now has some sort of wheel problem --> back to the shop. sigh...when will I drive again. I swear to god no one ever pay back money they borrow from my. Every time I make lemonade I would find that I have a cut on my squeezing finger. god that's painful. Not to mention the gene pool I came from. Anyone know if a lucky charm would help? I can't decide from a Yarobi Luck Ring Lucky 7 Amulet or a Lady Luck Amulet
  6. Leaving Us With Love As you lay down to a lovely long sleep, Still ever present in our hearts as we weep, Dear little Kitty, looking down from above, We know you are leaving us with love. We shall not soon forget the warmth you spread, Nor those soft cuddles each night as I put you to bed, Dear little Kitty, the memories of you, forever our own, Shall never leave this our humble home. For many years we smiled at that twinkle in your eye, Your soft purrs as you longed for that last piece of pie, How you loved to stretch and play in the yard outside, Now a permanent shrine in which your spirit shall reside. How soon you became part of our family name, A mother, father and a little brother, we were all the same, Blessed we were to just know you were always there, Our little bundle of furry joy, with everlasting fun to share. As we awake tomorrow to a brand new day, We will surely still feel your presence in a very unique way, Dear little Kitty, looking down from above, We know you are leaving us with love.
  7. finally got to together with a girl I knew since 2002. That was March of this year we got together. I mean she has wanted to get with me since the first day I met her. But I was too shy, and I had a lot of respect for her brother. But I did like her. I though she was the finest girl I had ever seen. She said she was dreaming of going out with me. Now, I think not getting with her earlier was the biggest mistake of my life but the only time I met her is because of her brother. We were good friends ever since the second grade. But she is also 5 months pregnant when I met her by another man but he chose drugs over her but the thing is or I want to know. I love her and I know she loves me. During the time she wrote me over 46 letters about how she feels about me. In September when we were in school she showed me the ring that her ex- boyfriend gave her and I though that was it. But in her letters she said if I would have asked her out she would have dump him. But I went on homebound and in October the next month she was pregnant. Is it right that we are together now?
  8. I cant believe things have come to this... I have a 13 year old daughter, shes very stubborn, strong and intellegent. I left her father in 2000 because he was abusing her and her brother who's ten now.. Anyway, she and I have always had a strained relationship, even when she was a toddler it seemed. Ive been forced to move in with my mother, and things are tense. My mom is constantly in every argument I have with my daughter. Not only that, my daughter ust abide by her rules as well as mine. She was a straight A student last year and her greats are mediocure at best these days. Shes been distant, angry and disrespectful to everyone in my household. She says things a 13 year old should not say. My mom will tell her to clean something up and she will tell her to get of her fat -you know what- and do it herself. We were going to church on Sunday and she notice my mom was coming along and said, "oh great SHE'S coming?" She spends hours apon hours on the internet (yes I have blocks on it). Yesterday I told her to give her brother a turn on the computer and she was angry about it and took twenty minutes to log out of her name. She called her brother a name and I told her she would not be using the computer today because of her attitude. She then came after me, demanding a better explaination and I told her I had nothing else to say and I started to shut my bedroom door, she then pushed me back while sticking her foot in the door. I pushed her back and held her there against the wall. ok.. so today she doesnt come home from school. She calls from a friends house, I dont know where this friend lives. She tells me she is not coming home after what I did yesterday. Her dad has partial custody, he is no longer abusive to them. I am seriously considering sending her to her dads. I feel as though I have already failed as a mother.. I dont know what to do.. Im a wreck.. Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated... I am going crazy..
  9. I have a problem that has been going on for years. My sister married my husband's brother about 4 years ago - then they ended up getting divorced after 2.5 years of marriage. They had a daughter out of the relationship. He was an alcoholic and they had a terrible relationship - it was a mistake from the get go. Now, they are divorced and my husband hates my sister with a passion because when they got divorced, she got the house and his brother didn't get anything out of it. He doesn't even want to be around her and he badmouths her whenever he gets a chance. My sister isn't perfect by any means - she has a bad temper and has a problem with the way she talks to her son (for which she is getting counseling), but his hatred of her REALLY hurts me because I'm close to my sister. I feel especially protective of her because she has a rare disease (dermatomyositis) and I am uncertain of her future in the long run, so I value her that much more. This has caused extreme resentment and anger toward my husband on my part - he has said he will stop badmouthing her in front of me but his feelings will never change. He has also said some things about other members of my family. We are going to move out of state in the future and he doesn't want to live near any of them (for the record, the rest of my family love my husband). This is making me SO depressed. I wish he would just forgive my sister and let us get on with our lives. She is in a new relationship now and he wants nothign to do with either my sister or her new boyfriend - if they are at my parents' house, he doesn't want to be there. I love my husband a lot, but I'm wondering what our future holds as I'm close to my family and his feelings, though I know I can't change then, are making me extremely resentful and feel colder toward him. I am so depressed and feel helpless. I don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce, but I just want peace and harmony in the family. Am I being unrealistic about this?
  10. This isn't a poem, it's fiction. However, I've seen stories in here before and it is my own work inspired by alot of things I have strong feelings on so hopefully it's all cool Anyway, this is the first chapter of a story I'm working on. I'm really happy with the actual plot I've come up with (mostly the product of 5 to 6 years spent with no girlfriend and WAY to much idle imagination). The thing is, I'm at all sure I have the skill to write it. Thus, I'm posting a little segment of it here and, hopefully, I'll get some feed back. It's Fantasy fiction and I'm looking for brutally honest opinions. I can take it ********************************************************* Illis’Iyan, the jewel in the crown of the Empire. Its buildings wrought from the rock of Tirean by ancient elven masons, its streets wide and spacious and its walls high and thick. At its heart stood the mighty Temple of the Founding, with its pristine spire rising up from the city to pierce the sky like some great needle. Beneath this behemoth structure, spread throughout this city, were the enormous buildings and establishments of the Illisian Empire that saw to its governance and continued existence. If a bird flew above this magnificent edifice of man and had the mind to reckon such things, it would see a vast circular span accross the green land of Tirean. All shining white stone, broken in parts only by lush park lands and sliced through the middle by the fast flowing waters of the Eispon River, the life blood of the city. With such a wondrous city to behold, a stranger to these lands could be forgiven for thinking that all that dwell within the alabaster walls of Illis’Iyan had lifestyles that matched their home. This, however, was not the case for poverty existed within the heart of the Empire just as it did throughout its body. Such it is that we begin our tale within the less magnificent parts of Illis,Iyan; the slums. Under the shadow of the northern wall was a part of the city that was very different from the rest. In the place of the wide airy walkways and structures of white stone, carved and shaped by masters, there were only wattle and daub homes set into narrow dark streets. The unfortunate inhabits of this wretched place suffered greatly form it confines. Their lives were short and miserable, filled with long days of toil that served only to allow them to continue existence in such a sorry manner. It would seem likely that no one here could have any tremendous impact on our story but that would be an err of judgment. Within the dark streets of this slum were two small children. They sat in a hollow off the walkway, covered by filthy blankets in a vain effort to keep out the chill. To look at them, a passer by would not think much. They seemed little more than simply another two hungry children that many of the cities more affluent citizens would prefer to pretend did not exist. These children were related, twin siblings not more than four years old, a boy and a girl. Their short life story was a sorrowful one; orphaned at birth, denied a warm home, they were unwanted and survived on the charity of others. What part could two such beings play in the fate of the mighty Illisian Empire? Well we shall see in time. * * * * * * * * * * To the eye of a beholder, these small children shared a very similar outward appearance. Both had midnight black hair, pale skin and sky blue eyes set within deeply dark sockets. The girl had long hair that stretched behind her back; it also fell over her face, hiding it from view. The boy had short hair, his face was un covered yet marked in several spots by dirt and grime. He cradled his sister as she rested her head upon his chest while she slept. Truth be told, these children were not long for this world. How could two small children survive alone in the dark and dangerous streets of a filthy slum? Indeed, they could not. Whatever meagre charity a passer-by might render these sorry creatures merely delayed the inevitable. However fickle the card that the gods of chance had dealt these children, their lot in the world of Alnimus was about to change. Out of the gloom came three black robed figures, walking slowly towards the twins. Their faces were covered by their hoods and in the growing darkness it lent them a sinister air. The small boy saw them approach and looked down at the muddy street in hope that avoiding their gaze would avert any interest they may have had in his sister and himself. However, these black clad figures that approached the twins did not ignore them. Instead they continued their advance until they had halted just besides the crouching children. “Railis?” said the foremost of the newcomers, addressing the boy before him. The child did not answer immediately but he saw that the strangers were not going to leave him be by the unspoken will of his silence. “Y-yes” he answered timidly. The strangers exchanged glances under their hoods. Then the newcomer to the right of the one that had spoken crouched down to near eye level with the boy. “Railis, my boy” the stranger spoke, revealing the child her gender, a woman. “You are a hard child to find and we have been looking for you these past weeks. We went to the orphanage where we understood you and your sister to be but the matron told us you both had run away. Now why would you do that?”. To Railis’s ear, the woman sounded kind and gentle but the boy had learnt not to trust words so easily. How unfortunate it was that a child of his young age had seen so early in life that even the warmest of words can come from the coldest of hearts. “We had to leave” he answered the woman, “they were hurting my sister”. He nodded in the direction of his still sleeping sibling. The woman drew back her hood. She looked to be perhaps in her late thirties yet her hair was still a rich auburn and her face showed few signs of aging. In fact, the only thing about her that would give her age away was the look of great wisdom, the type earned over years, behind her hazel eyes. “They hurt your sister?” she asked inquisitively, reaching to brush the girls hair from her face. Her brother moved her back slightly and gave the woman a dark look. “Please, be at peace. I do not wish to hurt her” the woman reassured the child, seeing the expression on his face. The boy still however did not relax his tense posture. “Her name is Arifen, is that right?” asked the woman warmly Railis nodded and then after a moment he resumed a more at ease position. The woman smiled at him, “she is lucky to have a brother that cares so much for her”. Brushing back the tangled raven hair from the child’s face, the woman was saw that the girls pretty young features were marred with several bruises. She immediately looked back at her companions who in turn exchanged looks. Before she could render any sentence on the subject, the young girl suddenly awoke and saw the three black clad adults staring at her. Giving a brief yelp of fear, the newly awoken child buried her head into her brothers chest who gripped her tightly in response. “What do you want from us?” the boy demanded, suddenly frowning at the three strangers. “Please, do not be afraid” the woman said, trying to calm the children. “Perhaps it is time to introduce ourselves. My name is Vasca Shial” she said. Then the two standing behind her drew back their hoods revealing that they were two men of what appeared to be close in age to the woman that called herself Vasca. “And these are my companions, Mathyus Deail and Asiaer Rosca” she said introducing the two men who nodded in greeting to the children. Railis regarded each of the three adults in turn and was just about to speak when he noticed the pommel of a sword at the belt of the woman in front of him. “You’re soldiers?” he asked. The woman named Vasca shook her head. “No my young friend, we are warriors, knights of the Order of the Founding. Perhaps you have heard of us” she said, knowing well that the child would have heard stories of her Orders deeds which were legendary throughout the Empire. “Yes I’ve heard of you but why do you care about us?” can the boys reply. He continued to stare at them while still cradling his sister‘s quivering form, impressing the knights with his clear and unhidden desire to protect her despite him being just a child. Vasca took a breath and considered the child’s question before answering. “It is a complicated subject to explain to you Railis. I can see you have wisdom beyond the mind of a child yet this is not the place to discuss the matter” she said. She then held her hand to the boy, “perhaps you would like to come with us and then we can tell you what you want to know”. Railis looked at the knight’s proffered hand but did not move. “We can offer you a hot meal and a warm bed” Vasca said, hoping to temp the children into accepting her offer. Again the boy did not take her hand but instead voiced a question. “Where do you want to take us?” he asked. Vasca smiled at him. “A fair question my child” she said, “We wish to take you to our home, the Temple of the Founding”. The mention of the intended destination of the knights sparked an interest in Railis, for he had heard many stories of the mighty fortress of The Empire’s finest warriors and he had wished greatly to see the building one day. With a nod, he finally took the woman’s hand and stood up. His younger sister, however was not so quick to rise. Staying seated on the ground she held tightly to her brother’s hand. “Railis!!…” she whimpered through gathering tears, caused by an unvoiced fear of the knights. Railis knelt down to help her to her feet. He then whispered something into her ear that the knights could not hear but which seemed to have a calming effect upon the girl. She wiped her eyes in the sleeves of her dress and gripped her brother’s arm tightly while keeping her eyes on the ground in front of her. Then, together with the three knights, they set off down the street to whatever fate it may lend them. Thus is was that two beings from the lowest level of life began a journey that would one day re-shape their world in ways neither of their young minds could fathom.
  11. I found a website tonight after looking up this term and it opened my eyes to my past, present and future. This website describes link removed and I couldn't help but get completely emmersed because it describes my brother to a tee... and my mother to some extent although I suspect she is borderline moreso... and my last relationship regarding how I have been struggling to just let it go but there were so many things about him. I was trying so hard to make it work. I can see so many things that now I know why I've been trying so hard to win him over... and why it won't ever work. I grew-up struggling with difficult mother and brother. It has always been my fault for so many things all these years. Until now. Tonight my eyes opened up to the sheer personality conflicts and endless tears I have shed trying to figure out what the heck is so wrong with me. Everything suddenly makes sense. This is the missing puzzle piece. Thanks for letting me share all this with you because I can't tell you how this knowledge affects my life... but in a good way now that I have answers, can make better choices and can get over things that have happened in the past because it really wasn't ME all along. I'm not to blame. I'm okay!! I'm free! Halleluah!! wow. I finally understand my family. I feel like I need to see a counselor NOW
  12. With the trenches dug and the tombstones laid the crew picked up their tools and left the graveyard for the day and when the sun was down and the moon was crowned as the silence stretched forever outward from the western town some curled up with jars of whiskey others, books by Dostoevsky on their boxes made of pine and fell to dreaming one, he'd dream that dancing girls tugged coyly at his beard and fished his dusty pockets clean of gold another saw the men he'd shot rise up as he had feared and see to it he, too, would not grow old a worse scene yet befell a third his true love left without a word just like, in real life, she had fled their home the fault was his own the rest of the men on the Boot Hill crew had tired of dreams and sleeptime screams and they knew what to do so at night they'd crawl in the alcohol and in their trance there was no chance that nightmares could get through such an unforgettable sad song that shovels rang out all day long and the men, they envied those who'd gone as they packed the dirt on brothers freed from dreaming
  13. Bullets surrounding me, explosions deafening my ears, Brothers dying, wiping away my blood, sweat and tears. Where are they at? Who's coming after me? Where are they shooting from? Am I really free? Is this my hell, where I'll lay to die? The place where all my buddies go, to fight for freedom while our significant others cry? Loading up my chamber, looking down the line, scream, aim, fire! sight to sight, everything is blood red, minutes seem like hours. the heat feels like a fire on my helmet. the touch of metal is like an oven. after the smoke clears I sit and look around me, bodies and blood everywhere, Am I really in Hell? Musicguy© Feb. 2007
  14. I am literally dying inside because of an incident that occurred this past weekend involving my girlfriend and her brothers best man. This past weekend my live-in girlfriend and I attended her brothers wedding. We are totally in love (at least I felt we were)and share the same beliefs concerning loyalty and trust. the day after the wedding, my gf's brother (lets say Jon) had a party at his place. My gf and I went to the party at about 8:00, however at 1:30 I wanted to go home because I was feeling tired and was not having a good time because most of the guests were people who "stood" in the wedding and were complete strangers to me. My gf told me that she wanted to stay for a hour or so because it was jon's wedding party. I told her this would be ok and to get a cab home when he was ready. I went home and waited until 5:00 am for her to show. She didn't... I began to wonder what was going on and if she was OK, so I drove to her brothers house to go in and get her. While I was outside of the house I heard them all up talking and still drinking, so I decided not to go in order to avoid all of the drunk talk etc... I returned home. at 7:30 a.m I went back because I was curious about where my gf was sleeping. I walked in the house to find bodies sprawled out everywhere but I coudln't see my gf. I went downstairs to the guest bedroom to find my gf lying in bed on her side with jon's best man spooning around her with his hand on her stomach and his arm under her head. They were both fully dressed yet under the top cover of the bed. I was in shock as I know how my gf feels about me and I am generally not naive about my place in a relationship. I grabbed her and started shaking her (not with intent to hurt of course) she moaned and was very confused (like she was in a trance) I left the room for about 10 seconds then returned to get her out of there. WHne I returned, the guy was now lying on his back and she was lying with her head on his chest and his arm around her. I grabbed her by the wrists and pulled her out of bed and told her to get in the car. At this time the "best man" awoke and groaned several times shook his head and stated: "whoa ..aww man... nothing happened...still shaking his head to clear the "cobwebs" My gf and I went upstairs and she was still in a daze. She picked up a phone (which is an antique and doesn't work) and repeatly tried to call her brother (while we are actually in his house) from here I realized that she was totally out of it (probably because she was drunk and still half asleep) I got her in the car and totally lost my mind. It took her about 3 minutes to wake up and try to explain what happened. She told me that she didnt' remember a thing except going to bed alone, then the best man jumping in on the bed (super single size) and saying something like"hows my little sister?" She then says that the next thing she remembers is me pulling her out of the bed. She says that she can't remember anything else, but she knows nothng else happened. I truly believe she loves me as she tells me very often in the form of "I am so in love with you, you are the man of my dreams" I believe that she feels like this, and I feel the same. However, I feel like she has cheated on me, regardless of how drunk she was. I am finding it hard to believe that she can't remember anything. I know I would. I broke up with my gf, but have since took her back. I am still having trouble getting over this, and am not sure if I ever will. With any other girl, I would have just left and considered the relationship to be over. However, because of the way I know with both feel about each other I decided to give it a chance. Is it worth it? Should this be considered the same as cheating although nothing sexual happened? My gf is very sorry about what happened and has cried continuously for hours over this. I find it hard to feel sorry for her, but I don't want her to be hurt. What should I do? I spoke with Jon about what I saw and he said he wasn't worried because his best man was a very moral guy and we both know what my gf is like (at least I hope we do). I am finding it hard to believe that both of them were so intoxicated that neither can remember a thing. They never spoke about what happened as the best man returned home that same day. However, I am consdering asking my girlfriend to send him an email asking him to outline everything he can remember from that night and not to worry about anyone else reading the email... this way I feel that if something happened that she is not telling me about, I will find out... (in other words, I want to be sure that I can trust her about nothing happening) On the other hand, if there is something to hide, he may "see right through" my plan to "entrapp" and just say exactly what my gf said ...... I am obviously tearing myself up over this, but I can't help it.... I was going to ask this girl to marry me, now I am not sure if I am going to leave her again... please help
  15. Hello, As some of you know I have been going through a tough time of it. I am realizing things about myself I MUST change. I also am realizing more and more the reasons of why I am the way I am. Why my relationships with men are so horrible, well at least why they end so horribly. A lot of it comes down to the relationship I had/have with my dad. I being the oldest child and the only girl in the family he wasn't really sure how to go about being a dad to a daughter. His dad died when he was younger and after that his life was full of abuse, boy's homes, and eventually joining the military at 17. So he did not have anyone to watch or observe on how to 1. Be a father or 2. Raise children. He was verbally abusive towards me when I was growing up. You know the "your never going to amount to anything but trailer trash." One thing I notice about him is that when he steps over the line; either saying something truly nasty or now where he sees how hurt and broken I have been in the past couple of years he offers me money or things. One time we were on a family vacation and my little brother was acting up. So like all siblings we were fighting. My dad came in slapped me accross the face. I didn't even do anything but I was the closest to him and he was mad. Anyways he realized that it was my little brother who as being the brat and that he slapped me for no reason. The next AM he gave me $50 to buy something really nice. That's one example of an action with a monetary apology. Then last night we were celebrating my brother's birthday. He knows about my tough times via my mother. Anyways he asks me if I would like a 27" flat screen TV? Again another way he tries to make things better. He is not one that will tell you his feelings unless its anger. I have wanted his approval and love that's all. Not $$$ nor material things. All I have ever wanted was an "I am so proud of you S." That I believe is why I am so hard on myself and continually find fault with everything that falls apart as MY fault. This has been seeping into my adult relationships. I love my dad; I just don't love how he treated me growing up. Does anyone know of any great reading materials or resources about the correlation of father/daughter relationships and the effects it has on her future relationships? Is it really true we seek out a man that is the image of our father?
  16. Hi everbody! I am new to this site. I have a question of concern regarding my mother. I have been in a mostly parentless situation since I was young. My father passed away when I was young and my mother was always gone. I would see her very rarely and when I did, she clearly did not want to be around my siblings and I. We were very clearly an "inconvenience". My older sister and I always took care of my little brother everyday while she was gone until very late in the evening. According to things my father said, I am not even sure my younger brother is his child. My little brother looks and acts differently from my sister and I. My father's loss was absolutely heartbreaking because he always made sure we had enough and protected me from my mother. She would become very emotionally abusive. It did get physical a few times, but that was rare. We were bought necessities but were mostly neglected. Many times, it was hard to find something to eat in the house. We lived in an upscale neighborhood, but none of the neighbors seemed to even notice our situation. She always had something to eat for herself, but us kids rarely had a rounded meal. She always had a very "all me or nothing" attitude. Now I am an adult and I have a child of my own. I have tried everything to have a relationship with my mother. She has accepted the invitation, but clearly considers anything else more important than spending time with my child or myself. Every time we speak, she constantly finds something negative to complain about. Even though I speak to her about talking about positive things, she continues the same behavior. I feel that I am put as second most of the time. She brags about spending time with my siblings who live closer to her than I do. She drops hints that they are better than I am and she likes them more. Yet my siblings have similar complaints as I do. It gets worse. When I DO visit (and I am always the one who does), she has a hard time just offering common courtesy to me. She does not make it a point to adhere to our schedule and seems to just constantly think of only herself and what she wants. This is how it has always been, but now that I am an adult it is almost intolerable. There are two cats in her house that urinate all over the house. She has brand new carpet that is almost mult-colored in different areas because of a lack of neutering or taking care of behavioral issues with the animals. There is a disregard to other people's needs all the time with her. This is the case with everything from our schedule to what we will eat. There have been times when she has acted so inappropriately that I have had to leave because of yelling, name calling, etc... She has horrible, horrilbe social and table manners. She has always been loud, obnoxious, ill mannered... but lately she has even started belching loudly in front of people. She does not seem to understand how inappropriate this is! She does not dress appropriately meaning she wears stained or old clothing and seems to not care at all about common courtesy of others. She will stand in someone's way for a long time and not even noticed unless I point it out. This happens many times when we go out! She is a very educated woman. She holds a PhD among other degrees. I do not understand her crude behavior. I do not understand her selfish ways. I am at a loss as to how to deal with a mess in her house, a mess in her behavior, a mess in herself. A mess in me... Has anyone dealt with a similar issue? How did you develope strategies to deal with the stress? With an exterior viewpiont, does anyone have ideas for me so I can address these issues? Your input will be greatly considered and is greatly needed.
  17. So I was out at a bar tonight and met up with a girl who I picked up with last week. She's a friend of my brother's gf and we made out and hung out during the week where she was cuddly and all that and talked on the phone a few times. We knew each other would be there tonight. So when i got inside, it took a while for me to see her, but i eventually found her and small talk ensued, but then she started giving me the cold shoulder in favor of one of her girlfriends. I'm a big boy and can handle this sort of thing , but this kind of reaction is very common for me and i would like to find a way around it. Saying it's her fault or just forget about her isn't going to work for me anymore, because i see too many people not getting into these problems so I know there is a problem that can be fixed. If not more than one problem. Just nexting her will lead to me encountering this same thing over and over again, and i know this is a very hard problem to give advice on without even being able to see me or the interaction, but i need to get this fixed. I'll do whatever it takes. And no "just be yourself" or "stop trying so hard." That advice has never worked for me. I'm convinced this is something I can proactively change. Any ideas please?
  18. I am a collage of emotions, music is my art, art is on my skin. each piece is a story, a story about me, it's where I let my feelings go free. My heart is tender, my soul is beautiful. Inside I cry for a love I'd to find. For one to hold me, kiss me, to be with me. In my heart I'm missing the brother I know, the brother I love, the one who left me in my early years. I don't remember his face, or his voice, just the constant flow of tears. As a young man I was torn between two, who do I see next time, how long will I stay. Who do I spend time with on a certain holiday. I see a figure of a man who I thought I could look up to, he's just a shadow in the mist, the one who is half of me, where is he at? he's a few miles away, yet so far from me each day. There is love that I feel getting him to understand me is a different deal. But I still love him. Then there's the one closest to me heart and soul, she's always wanting me to strive for my goal. She's been there for me since day one, my greatest love beyond the heavens above. She's the greatest person in the world. Now there is my story, not in bookstore or in the paper. It's right here from my heart deep within where my passion lies and my love for them never die. Nov.@2007
  19. This isn't really a poem, it's a song. It has a tune, so probably looks a bit weird when just read. It was the first thing I ever wrote- written at the age of nine, around when my brother died. When I hear the news, I know I'm gonna lose. I hate the thought of living the next day. When I hear you say, Come on, Come out and play- I know it's too late, I'm nearing to my fate. Chorus: So look into my eyes, Do you get a surprise? Does it make you realise? When you look into my eyes? When you first saw me, What exactly did you see? I cry 'til dawn has hit the end of night. I know I am not strong, but you say I am wrong. I feel so confused- No longer so amused. CHORUS Somethings that I do, Are reminders of you. You're constantly a thought trail in my mind. How will I live on? When I know you are gone? I didn't even know, if you were friend or foe. CHORUS x 2
  20. This is a poem i just wrote for my big sister. I just wanted to share it with all of you. I hope that you enjoy it. Your thoughts and feelsing about it would be nice. I want to fall asleep in your arms. I want you to make me feel like I have a reason for living. I want to make you proud of me, and exsept me as your quite equal. I'm glad that you make me feel like I have a reason to live. I'm glad that you sometimes see me as your equal. I'm glad to be your little brother.
  21. I came to a point in my life where I know I was supposed to be dead. I watched my apartment being cleared of my belongings, lots of people and no one complained. I came to a blankness in life, a nothing. It's nothing I have ever experienced before. It's like having a blank slate only there's no desire to write on the slate. I was truly waiting to die for days on end and wondering why I hadn't. I was in a pretty serious car accident and survived. My life has gone downhill since that point and I still wonder why I survived. I then reached the peak of suicide, several times, and haven't done it. Well I've read the bible and it states that suicides go to hell. I don't want that to happen. I've also realized I'm not nearly as good a person as I've always thought of myself as so I wonder if God's giving me a chance to redeem myself before I die. I determined I was pushed to suicide and didn't commit it so I wonder if I'd get brownie points. Obvioiusly I passed some test. Now I'm at the end of this blankness wondering what to do with my life because the desire to live really isn't there anymore. I have an ache in my heart from my personal losses, a spirit that is slowly returning. Acceptance for things I can't change, things I caused, and now the reality that I'm alive and will live until God decides it's my time. We control a lot about our lives, death is suppose to be up to God which is why it's a sin. I hit rock bottem. I had no money, not even a nickel, no car, no job, and was living off my brother for a month and a half before getting a job. I lost custody of both children, ultimately terminated my rights to my oldest because I couldn't care for his needs let alone my own. My brother got me a car, filled it with gas and tuned it up. I got a job, and now I'm on the road to recovery. The losses were awful emotionally and they were my own fault. If it wasn't for family I would have been homeless. Each day I make an effort to move forward when I still don't really want to live. Few people hit the depths that I have, and I have survived. I hope it's for good reason.
  22. Hiya! I am finding it hard to date at the moment because there always seems to be something that goes wrong. However, I am increasingly growing a thick skin as I know dating can be tough. So in order to make us dating people feel less alone when things go wrong, I thought it would be good to share our own bad episodes. So I shall start with a few of my own: - One guy I had been dating for 6 months was a total commitment phobe and came home from holiday bragging about how he'd slept with 3 women in a week. - Same guy threatened me with violence - Another guy who I thought was my friend forced his hands on my body and I had to run out - One guy made a rediculous excuse that he was afraid of my brother even though my brother is a pushover and actually liked the guy - The latest guy asked me on a date then told me he was already seeing someone - Lots of guys have pretended they wanted a relationship then left when they found out I wasn't an easy lay - One guy totally took advantage when I was drunk and upset - One guy would always arrange dates then have an excuse Well, at the time I was hurt, but I suppose I needed all this so I could see exactly what I didn't want from a relationship. I find watching lots of Sex and The City also helps make you feel like you're not the only one who has dating dilemas!
  23. I posted this.. and this.. and finally this.. She's been locked up for a week, now. She'll probably get out tomorrow. Going to visit her has been enlightening. When I visited her on day 2, there was a guy that would give me dirty looks. He was probably 23 or 24. And.. he would stare at her.. I told her that I thought he liked her. The next day when I came to visit her, she was sitting with him coloring when I got there. The next day, his hair was in pig tails, which is her trade mark. While I was visiting her, she told me that she had done that. She said he is bi-polar and scares her. I told her that she should probably not get too close, then. The next day, when i came to visit her, she said that he and her were the last ones up the prior night. An orderly came into the room where they were watching tv, and said, "this ain't no hotel". She told me she was confused and had, "no idea", why they would say that. The next day (last night), when I came to visit her, this guy was gone. I asked her where he was. She said he was moved to a different floor for "hugging" one of the female patients. I said, "was it you?" she said, "no." She told me that she "made out" with one of the female patients. She said they couldn't do much more because the medication made her "spot." I said, she should be doing much less. Messing with these people is a very bad idea. So... tonight, I came to visit her. She was wearing a simple ring, an arm band, and her hair had blue and black streaks (she has blonde hair). I asked her what that was all about. SHe said they were from the lady she was "making out" with. I said, "wow.. she's marking you, huh?" She said, "yeah, I think so." I said, "well, I think you are making a big mistake, and if you have any plans on maintaining contact with her when you get out, you are as crazy as she is." She said, "oh... she's a good person." About this time, the girl was standing in the hall (I had my back to her). My wife was concentrating on the hall. I turned around to see her standing there mouthing something. She came to a dead stop when I turned around. So, I said, "what did she say?" My wife said, "the guy upstairs called for me again." I said, "again?" She said, "yeah, he called 4 or 5 times today." Then, she said, "today in group therapy, she sat next to me, and they brought the guy down from the other floor and he sat accross from me. I leaned over and the woman accused me of trying to look at the guy. She got up and stormed off, leaving her seat empty. When she was half way out of the group, I invited that guy over to take her seat because it was empty. This made her very upset." I was pretty shocked at this. I told her that I couldn't believe she was playing mind games for attention with the people in the psychiatric ward. She was really biting off more than she could chew here. Then her "girlfriend" came and told me visiting time was over with a big smile. I told her that she certainly wasn't the one in charge of telling visitors when it was time to leave. The orderly came in about 5 minutes later reiterating her message. Before, I left, tells me again she loves me and wants to work things out and asks what I think about "us." I told her that I thought the guy got sent upstairs for making out with her, and I dont nor will I ever trust her as far as I can throw her. This has gone from mean to bizarre to crazy to... I guess comical.. I don't even know how else to describe it. Jerry Springer meets the Farrelly Brothers. Any thoughts?
  24. I have this friend. yes, its actually my friend, not me lol. she's been my best friends since i was 10. and i will be turning 18 in less than 30 days. anyways, that just goes to show you that we had planned to have our kids grow up together. i love her to death and i don't plan on letting anything come between us. until now.. a few years ago, she had met a few guys online. we both ended up befriending them, and she talked to them on the phone a lot. then, i don't quiet remember what happened, but we stopped talking to them for some reason. (they were brothers btw) i found out a few months ago that she recently had been talking to one of the brothers again. a week after i found out she had been "talking" to him, i had found out that they were in a relationship. she still hasn't met him. it took me awhile to get my head around the entire situation, but recently i have called her and tried to understand her relationship. ive been supportive and have learned more about the situation. but today i found out that on the day she meets him for the first time in about 15 days she rented a motel room for him and her. and yes they will be having sex. she is 17 years old and she will be having sex for the first time, on the first day she meets him. im upset because she should have told me. but im also upset because she's making the wrong decision. she used to have dreams of going to college and being an english teacher. she doesn't want to go to college. she hates her mom and her whole family. im lost for ideas. if i talk to her, she'll be upset and just do what she wants out of revenge towards me.
  25. Please help me, i am racked with guilt over this. please dont notify the police or anything i am not a threat to society but ive done something really bad. it was along time ago but i am still haunted by what i did. it even scares me to put this in the abuse and violence catagory. i feel sick about this im a 45 year old man and 20 years ago i molested my younger brother. i was about 15 or so and he was about 10 i guess. i was old enough to know better. it only happened 3 times over the space of a month or something if i recall correctly and was only those few times the third and last time he actually encouraged me. god this is hard to write. i still see him from time to time even though he lives in a another city now and we are close. we have never mentioned this ever. we are both straight. but i worry that i messed him up by doing this. i am worried sick about it. im not a pedaphile, nothing like this has ever happened since nor have i ever had any feelings to do it again. i just dont know what came over me and i dont know why i cant get passed this. for years i kind of forgot about it mostly but now i have a son and i started to remember. there is no danger of me doing this to my son. none whatsoever, i love him with all my heart and could never hurt him but i am abosltely horrified at what i did to my younger brother. he trusted me, this is sick!!!!!!!! i even have nightmares about it sometimes i dont know what to expect from this site. please dont try to trace my email or whatever and call the police or something. i have to trust you people with this secret should i see a shrink or something? talk to somebody? should i talk to my brother about it? maybe he has forgotten. maybe it was no big deal to him. i dont know. how do i get rid of this feeling of guilt?
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