chigal28

P.S. Reading your posts, and Elektra's posts, and those of so many others here, I just have to say that I HATE that there are people out there who can sap us of our power, of our innate sense of worth and our sass and strength. Life is SO SHORT, and can be so wonderful, if we can just reclaim ourselves....easier said than done, I know, and I'm still a work-in-progress...I just know we can all do it.

Ren, I've read a number of your posts about this man, and I think I responded to at least one other of them....I feel compelled to respond to this one. This is just my two cents, but I feel that you need this man in your life NOT for who he is, or what he provides you, but for what he represents. He represents the familiar. The fact that he needs something from you on a regular basis makes you feel comforted--if he needs you, he won't abandon you. I guess my question is, why you have such a strong fear of abandonment that you would find such comfort is something that is so obviously no longer healthy for you--that is downright toxic, and preventing you from finding other, healthy relationships to give your time and care to. It might be worth examining what events in your past might have given you such a strong fear of abandonment. For me, it was the fact that my dad was in the military and gone a LOT when I was very little, and the fact that as soon as I would get comfortable in a place, we'd move. This has still left me feeling very skittish about relationships and friendships--thinking that any day I'll just up and lose them. I'm working very hard on that. Sweetie, this situation with your best friend is a Catch-22. You feel like you need him in your life because you need that connection, but holding onto him in your life is preventing you from finding the love and connection with others that you so very much want--that we all so very much want. His behavior has caused you to equate emotional abuse and manipulation with caring and friendship, meaning you can't truly enjoy a healthy, good friendship or relationship until you 1) get this man OUT of your life, for good and 2) mentally detox from him. Number 2 can only start after number one is accomplished. Please do this!!!!!

RayKay, thank you for those words. Therapy has been a very good process for me, especially with my wonderful bf and good friends cheering for me, but it's also a very tough one at times. I wasn't happy with who I was before, but I was comfortable with the familiar. Some of my friendships don't work for me, at least not in the sense in which I now view friendship, but they were familiar. As a former military brat, it's really, REALLY hard for me to let go of friends. The words "drifted apart" are practically curse words to me. But I'm realizing maybe it's OK. I'm realizing that I'm the only one responsible for my own life and happiness, and while that's liberating and comforting in some ways, it is SO drastically different from my old way of thinking that I feel like I don't know my head from my...well, you know. So thank you for responding so thoughtfully to my long post....your words were just what I needed.

Hi all, I wanted to run something by everyone and get some feedback. I am utterly perplexed and can no longer talk myself out of feeling this way. For about the past 6-7 years, my life has always been filled with drama of the relationship kind, and I behaved in self-destructive ways, particularly with alcohol, during that time. BUT, for the past six months, I've been in a healthy, growing, nurturing relationship. I've also been going to see a counselor, and my alcohol intake (when I feel like having any) is under control. I feel good, and I'm really starting to love myself. However, during the same time frame, I've noticed that I've grown apart from certain friends, and I'm also feeling *VERY* distant from just about everyone in my life. This has nothing to do with distancing myself in actuality...I still call people, e-mail them, see them, generally make an effort. When I say my relationship is healthy, one thing I'm referring to is that for once I actually have a real life and time to myself outside of it!! So it's not that. In fact, I don't know if I'd call it distance, as much as struggling--to relate to people in a new way, and wondering how they'll deal with this new version of me. There are still certain people I feel close to when I'm with them, people whom I've always had a real connection with, not one based on "good times" or sarcasm, but there are so many others I just don't even feel like making that much effort with. Does this even make sense? I just don't feel like I want to deal with the b.s. of people who I don't respect or have what I feel like is a meaningful relationship with, and I'd rather spend the evening by myself, reading or playing the piano or even just chatting on the phone, than go out drinking and hanging out with people who are fun acquaintances at best. I'm tired of putting on a mask...I'm fun and pretty funny without them, but I feel like some people don't know how to deal with me as calm, gentle and NOT sarcastic.... It's like I've been focusing so much energy on learning to love myself, and getting to know who I am, that I feel like this "new me"--and I HAVE grown, I know that--doesn't even recognize her old life, including many of the peple who used to be (I thought) so important. I also think that therapy, and being in a healthy relationship, one in which I receive unconditional love, trust and support, has stripped away so many of my defense mechanisms--sarcasm, flippancy, etc., and made me crave REALITY....being real with people...and now so many encounters with people just feel forced. I feel naked....vulnerable. I don't know how to function without my defense mechanisms. I like MYSELF better now, I like spending time with me and I don't mind alone time, but I feel less confident about how other people will react. They liked my defense mechanisms. Now, if I see that a friend really hasn't been that great of a friend, I just shut down and don't feel like talking to them. There are people and groups I tried to fit into and impress, and now I just want to be with people I love, and I'm trying to be the best friend I know how to those that I DO truly feel a connection with. My mom and I had the longest, nicest laugh on the phone last week for the first time in a LONG time. She used to tell me that I was sarcastic so often, it was hard to have a real conversation. Now sarcasm is all but eliminated, and I'm a big ball of mush. I'm not sure what my question is, except maybe--does this sound normal or make sense to anyone? Can anyone give me a take on it? Why might I be feeling this distance, and is it bad? Does this mean I'm withdrawing from the world, or just pulling back for a while to figure out what's important and what's not? Is my healthy relationship brainwashing me in a bad way?!?! (I can't believe I'm even asking that!) I just want to have real, good, nurturing, healthy relationships with the people in my life, and I don't want to spend time or energy on surface connections unless I have to....I'm not rude, I'm just...uninterested. I don't talk to my counselor till Monday and I could use some food for thought until then.

I'd say it's great that you're ready for dating again, but don't make that your focus. Just because you're ready, doesn't mean you HAVE to find someone right away. It's summer in Chicago, which is where I also live (hence my screen name), and you're right--it IS fabulous and there is SO MUCH to do!!! I would focus on enjoying the summer, getting out and doing things in the great outdoors, hanging out with your friends and just enjoying this newfound confidence and happiness that you've found. If you meet someone you like and connect with, things will happen naturally, and you won't have to worry about how to act, what to say or whether or not you want to kiss them. There might be some awkwardness at first, and it might feel strange to be talking to/being with someone other than your ex, but just don't force yourself into anything--let all of it unfold and don't do anything you're not comfortable with.

Is CHP Chicago Housing Project?

It might seem simplistic, but I do agree with Haven. If you think you can find the financial resources to relocate, I would try to do that. It sounds like you're very unhappy where you are, and moving might give you a fresh start...maybe you could find a job somewhere else and let that be your stepping-stone? That said, I read somewhere that when you move, you DO take yourself with you....meaning that while you will get the chance to "start over," and a new locale would shake things up for you and give you a fresh perspective, don't forget to work on yourself, too, because the underlying issues that led to your situation right now will still be there. If you tend to sit at home and not get out and meet new people, and that's why you feel like you don't have anyone to connect, to...well, you'll have to change that pattern, too. Even in the friendliest neighborhoods in the world, people don't usually just knock on their new neighbor's door to borrow a cup of sugar anymore. Good luck!! P.S. For what it's worth, I think you sound like an interesting, caring person whom people would like to get to know. You just need to start making some new connections!

Sadnow, it seems like in some ways, you were addicted to him, as are/were these other women that he is stringing along. Some people just have that effect on others, and a lot of it comes from the lies and manipulation. So what you might be feeling right now (and this might be something to talk to a therapist about) is something similar to withdrawal, as in when people stop drinking, taking drugs, any kind of addictive substance. But the good news is, that once you fight your way through the withdrawal and FIGHT any temptations to lapse back into the old ways--this means NOT seeing him, talking to him, even e-mailing him--things will get better and you will start to heal. He dragged you into his crazy web of deceit and manipulation, and it will take time to "detox" from that and start processing and thinking about things normally again. When someone is so manipulative, they start to make you think that their way of doing things is actually normal in some way, and you just need time to get OUT of that unhealthy pattern of thinking. Of course your head is spinning....this man spun you around so much you didn't know which way was up, what was good, what was bad, etc. But the great news is that something in you snapped, and you said--"wait a minute. I deserve better than this. I don't want to be part of this anymore," and took steps to extricate yourself--even changing your phone number, which shows that you're serious. Now what you are trying to do is work on mentally getting completely out of this, which is what you're working on....talk to a counselor, find some self-help books to read...I unfortunately don't know of any specific titles that would be helpful, but someone else on here might.... I was in a somewhat similar situation a few years ago...I found out this man had a gf of 3 years after about 2 months of dating, but I was in such an unhealthy place in my life, that instead of kicking him to the curb immediately, as I should have, the words that came out of my mouth were: "Why don't you just date both of us?" That led to more than a year of being strung along, listening to him tell me that I was the one he really loved and wanted to marry someday, that he was only with her because she was financing his business, etc. etc. etc. Something makes us stay in these vicious cycles, and I tried half-heartedly to get out of mine about a half-dozen times and he manipulated me back in, so finally I just cut him off over the phone and that was it. It took a while to "detox," which is what you're doing, but it DID happen, and it will happen for you too.

I think jealousy comes from not knowing....not knowing exactly what they're up to, not knowing for sure if you can trust them when they're not with you, etc. If you have someone, as RayKay said, whom you know you can trust, who will tell you everything, then the only reason to be jealous is as AntiLove said...because you wish you were there having a blast partying, too. If there's a lack of complete trust, or a pattern of not being completely forthcoming with the other person, that's where jealousy can stem from.... Having been in both types of relationship, I know that not feeling like I can completely trust the other person when they're not with me would be a deal-breaker. And vice versa, I wouldn't give my bf any reason to not trust me, so when I go out/hang out with friends without him, which happens sometimes during the week since (at least for now!) I live in the city and he works/lives about an hour away, he doesn't mind at all. He just knows I'll always come back with some good stories.

Just know that you are in the worst of it right now. You are hurting, and I am so sorry. But you ARE in the worst of it, and it DOES get better, I promise. I'm sure many others on this site will tell you the same thing, because we've all been through it, and know how much it hurts. It's wonderful that you're at least forcing yourself to get out and spend time with friends, and even if it feels like you're just going through the motions right now, you will remember what it was like to feel truly happy. And I do agree, NC IS the way to go. It's the only way to truly let yourself begin to heal, and move on with your life. If there is anyplace you've wanted to travel, anything you've wanted to try, now's the time to explore yourself, your world, and realize how much adventure is still to be had. I know it feels like your world is black and white right now, but the color WILL come back, if you let it. And if you feel like you need to talk to a professional, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that....they can really help.

I agree with RayKay....I think when you know deep down that you are with the right person, you feel content and happy to be with them, at least most of the time. I LOVE being with my bf, and have never wanted to "see what else is out there" or try being single again. I'm also 28, and have had my fair share of "seeing what's out there," too, so that could play a part in it. I feel like this relationship came along when I was ready for a real relationship, and ready to invest in and commit to one person. In the past, I would *always* think the "grass was greener," and I know now it was because I didn't truly feel in my heart that whoever I was with was best for me. There's nothing wrong with wanting to take time to see what's out there, and I really feel like when you find what you're looking for, you'll just know. I know it sounds cliche, but I always asked my parents how they "knew" it was right when they found each other, and they'd just shrug and say "well--we just--knew." And now I know exactly what they were talking about, but I wouldn't really be able to describe HOW I know, either!

Have you recently come out, or recently realized that you're gay? That could have a LOT to do with it...years of repressed desires coming to the surface, and you finally feel like you can act on them, or at least acknowledge them?

If things really are great and you are happy with your new bf, I'd say leave the past in the past. I'm sure you guys broke up for a reason, and I agree with Belle, it IS shady that he's suddenly started talking to you again now that his other relationship is over. Don't ruin what could be (and already seems to be) a great thing for something that's probably best left alone. Think about why you broke up, and really consider if things would be different, and if you would be happier back with him than you are with your current bf, with whom it DOES sound like you are really happy. It's easy to get confused when an ex comes back into your life and seems to show an interest again...believe me, I know. But you really have to question whether they have your best interests at heart, and whether you want to delve back into the past when it sounds like you've moved on SO well.

If there's been no kissing after three months, I could see why things might start to feel a little awkward. I mean, that's half the fun of a new relationship....

I think you should definitely give it a shot....say that you know your communications have fallen off recently, apologize, and say that while you realize it might seem odd to be contacting her after all this time, with summer break coming up you've realized that you miss chatting with her and hope she might be open to hanging out. You say yourself that you're pessimistic, at least about this, so that might be a big part of what has you thinking so hard about this. But if you don't try, you'll never know, and if you phrase it in an easy, light way, it opens the door for her to respond and get the ball rolling. Good luck!!

Just have to respond to Johnathan...my high-school sweetheart was one of the nicest guys you could ever meet--AND he drove a '79 El Camino. With bench seats. We were so in style!!

Hmmmm, this is all very interesting. When my bf and I stay at my place, we spoon or cuddle facing each other until we're about to fall asleep, then he has to relocate to an air mattress on the floor because he's a big guy and I have a twin bed.... When we stay at his place, we again spoon until we're about to fall asleep,then we do a leg cuddle or one of us ends up retreating to the couch because he snores like a forestfull of chainsaws and I'm a very light sleeper!! On a positive note, he's getting a sleep study done next week, so I'm hoping they can give him one of those Darth Vader-type masks to wear to help him breathe better.....

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. Could you entertain the thought that the fact that you found true love once means it could happen to you again, if you open up your heart to the possibility? There might be a woman out there who you could make wildly happy beyond anything she's imagined.... I'm glad you're going to talk to a professional. I'm seeing one now, and it definitely helps to gain perspective, and find new ways of seeing things....if you are clinically depressed, medications might help you to come a bit out of the well, so to speak, and start to really be able to sort out what it is you want out of life. Is there anything you've always wanted to do/try, places you've wanted to go, to which you could treat yourself?

Ouch, it sounds like she wants the fantasy of settling down and having everything be handed to her and come easy to her, but when things actually turn into a real relationship (which you're right, DO require some work and compromise, and DO have ups and downs), she doesn't want to deal with it. It also sounds like she enjoys drama, and maybe doesn't even really know WHAT she wants at this point. I'm not saying she's a bad person, just a confused one who is at a different stage in her life than you seem to be. I'm sorry you got caught up in that situation, but in all honesty, if this is the stage in her life that she's at, it's unlikely that the two of you could have created the healthy, loving relationship it sounds like you want and are prepared to have. You definitely deserve better, and I have no doubt that you will find it. P.S. Don't beat yourself up for still being in love with her. I don't know who said this--Shakespeare, maybe?--but "the heart wants what the heart wants." But it sounds like your head is ahead of the game....just focus on YOU and what you want, and hopefully things fall into place....

The temptation can always present itself to cheat, but I think if you truly love someone, in the way that cares about their feelings, respects them and values them, you would see that person's face if you even thought about going down the cheating road, and the thought of hurting them in that way would prevent action.... That's just my two cents based on past and current experiences. Yes, people do mess up (God knows I have but have truly worked on myself and learned from it--in part because I've learned HOW to truly love), but in my opinion, cheating just says that you care about yourself far more than you care about the person you're with. You don't intentionally hurt someone you love, and cheating is so hurtful.

I think it's possible to maintain passion in a relationship after five, 10, even (hopefully!) 40 years....it just requires that both parties be willing to put in the effort to nurture the relationship, including the physical aspects. That said, the infatuated, obsessive feelings that many associate with being "in love" (and the lack of them as not being "in love") don't usually last very long--and that's actually a good thing! If they did, how could anyone ever focus on anything else? In my mind, a good relationship is "friendship caught on fire," to quote a phrase I read once and really liked. In other words, the two of you are companions, yes, but there's also an indefinable "something" that makes you more than that. To me, it's less a feeling of lust (although that comes into play) and more a warm, fuzzy feeling...just a deep knowing that you want to be with that person, and that the two of you fit together. I have been the recipient of someone telling me that they had "lost the feeling," and to me, that just meant they no longer saw our relationship working. Relationships go through ups and downs, but if you have that deep knowing that this is someone you want to be with, you're more willing to work through them and "ride out" any times you might not be "feeling" in love with that person. Just my two cents.... P.S. I really like the quote you included at the end of your post, and I think it's totally true....

Well hey, congratulations on your 1,000th post! I do agree that this site is very helpful, and it's amazing the amount of support and encouragement--not to mention great advice--that people find here. I think this is actually my 100th post, making me a full-fledged member...now if I can just figure out a way to stop logging into this site every hour at work and spending as much time doing my actual work as I do reading and writing posts here, I'll be golden.

I am very very attracted to my bf, and when we have sex, it's pretty darned good. But there are times when I just can't get revved up to do it. I think it's perfectly normal for one person in the relationship to want it when the other doesn't....two people can't be perfectly synced up! The important thing is that if one person *always* wants it and one person *never* wants it, to talk about it and figure out a way to somehow meet in the middle, or determine if there might be an underlying issue. Differing sex drives are normal, but if it starts to become a point of stress in the relationship, it needs to be addressed. Sounds like you guys don't have that problem--it seems like he handles it pretty gracefully!

First off, let me say that you sound very happy with this girl, and that it sounds like you really love and admire her for many great reasons!! Second, it's natural for people to "check out" or look at another person they find attractive. I guess I'd just advise you to take deep breaths and try to realize that it doesn't reflect on YOU. The only one who matters and needs to notice you is your girlfriend, and it sounds like she does, in a big way!! It sounds like she's very, very into you, for YOU and who you are, and that's awesome. It also sounds like she's got a great head on her shoulders, and isn't affected by all the attention she gets. You've got a great thing going here, and I think the worst thing you could do would be to get angry at the attention she gets....these are strangers (right?) that the two of you will never see again, and you are the one spending time with her and taking her home. From what you've said, I think you have every reason to feel 100% secure in this relationship and her feelings for you. You don't have to deal with everything internally; make sure she knows how you feel without being confrontational about it--say it's something you've noticed and while you're not worried or upset, it DOES bother you from time to time. BUT, don't make a big deal out of it....because I don't think it's something that should affect the relationship, unless you let it....

I think you guys need to have a talk and see if you're on the same page, or could be in the near future....otherwise you will just end up getting more and more hurt and frustrated as this goes on.....