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chigal28

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  1. chigal28
    As I mentioned before, for the past few days I've been feeling weird around my boyfriend...not sure how to link to past posts but my most recent one addresses the issue. Last night we decided to go out to dinner after work, and he seemed to be back to his normal sweet self when he got home. We decided to try the Polish smorgasbord near our apartment, and as we were pulling into the parking lot I said "I wonder if everyone in here is Polish and will know we're not?" He replied with, "why, you don't think you look Polish?" I said I had no idea...and he said something to the effect of (I can't remember his exact words) "well, you're stupid, so you'll be fine." WHAT?!?!?! I've been with this guy a year, friends for six years, and yes he loves to tease and joke around. BUT....he's NEVER made a mean joke like that as far as I can recall, and although I know he doesn't really think I'm stupid, it STILL hurts to think of him saying that. Not to mention the obvious bigotry of the statement. I told him it wasn't funny, and that it actually kind of hurt my feelings, and he said "what, I was joking. You don't get the joke?" Um, yes, but it WASN'T FUNNY. And it hurt my feelings. No apology, nothing. Am I wrong to still be upset??? And how do I bring it up again without being annoying? And maybe even more importantly...where would something like this COME from? I'm at a loss.
  2. chigal28
    Thanks, treefrogkate. I think that's good advice, to just keep acting the way I have been and not change anything either way. I normally have tended in the past to get clingy in situations like this, and I had almost intentionally planned to withdraw--be aloof, spend time away from home--to avoid that...but I guess either extreme isn't healthy.
  3. chigal28
    Hi guys, thanks so much for your responses. I'm trying to relax, but it's not easy. Sophie, thanks for the encouraging take on things...knowing my boyfriend, that does seem like a possibility, for sure. The difficult part will be to give him space to sort things out, because when something is wrong, I like to hash it out ASAP. Patience is a virtue, I know....
  4. chigal28
    We do tend to communicate really well, usually, and this morning we talked about his feelings of being overwhelmed...he said he wants to come up with a plan of action, maybe a schedule for working out, an exact picture of our finances, etc., and that would help. But I am SO SCARED to tell him that I'm afraid he'll pull away because he's overwhelmed, or leave me altogether. I've been needy with guys before, but with this guy, I always felt completely secure. I hate this. And aren't we supposed to let men "pull away" into their caves or whatever the heck that Mars-Venus stuff is, and not make them even more overwhelmed because now they have this fear that they're not making us happy, on top of everything else? I guess I feel like by saying something, I'll only push him farther away or scare him more. I want nothing more than for him to pull me into a big bear hug and say "you are what I want more than anything, and we'll make the rest of it work," like he has before.
  5. chigal28
    So I've been dating this guy for a little over a year now, and things have been great. I've never been happier, and he tells me he's never been happier. Until this weekend. He told me that he had wanted to propose to me for Christmas, but he hasn't been able to save up any money because he's in a real financial hole. So I told him I didn't want a diamond, I wanted a pink sapphire anyway (just figured he should know), so on Sunday afternoon we poked into a couple jewelry stores and looked at rings. Tried them on and everything...SO pretty. Ever since then, he's been acting weird. Not like his normal sweet, nurturing self at all. He's been...I wish I knew how to describe it, but I guess I feel kind of distant from him. Flash back to a couple months ago...he has always had health problems (diabetes, overweight, etc.) but even though he's said he's going to do something about it--diet, work out, etc.--nothing happened. NOW all of a sudden, like this morning, he says he wants to get his crap in order--come up with a plan, start working out, etc., but that he's worried that I'll be upset because it will take time away from us (we live together). I have two theories--one I love, one I absolutely hate. One (hate): he is completely freaked out by the fact that we looked at rings and now he is grasping at ways to distance himself. Two: He has suddenly realized that if we're going to make it work in the long run and be happy, he needs to really follow through and get some of these things done. I wish I knew which one...I e-mailed him and told him that I wanted to cook us dinner tonight, but he might have to stay late at the office...in my insecure, unhappy state, I'm interpreting this as his panicky desire not to come home and spend time with me. I just don't know. But I keep having to go into the bathroom at work to cry, and I hate it. Over the past few months, I realized that I've honestly, truly fallen in love with this man, and now I'm terrified that he's going to see I'm not that great, or that I'm just too much work and obligation, and pull away from me. We just adopted two kitties together, too. Things were so great!!!!! Why did we have to go look at rings??? Why did I even have to tell him it's what I want???? I LIKED THE WAY THINGS WERE!!!! Sorry, just really needed to vent. I am losing it.
  6. chigal28
    It sounds like he's pretty content with the way things are right now, and I do agree with Super Dave in that he might need a little shaking up, but I don't know that I would go so far as to break up with him. If someone broke up with me to make a point, I would always wonder if they'd do it again to make a point, and I'd feel very insecure and untrusting. What I would do is change your behavior, because that is something you can control. Stop being the one to call him, stop being the one to make plans, and wait for him to come to you. It might take a few days, but he'll start to wonder what feels different...what's up...and miss you. Then hopefully he will step up to the plate. SHOW him how you want it to be, don't tell him and then revert back to old patterns. This will feel really weird, and be VERY frustrating at first, but just TRUST that if you pull back, he will follow. My boyfriend used to be the exact same way. I'm his first relationship, even though he just turned 30, and he was pretty set in his ways...he'd say he'd call and then forget, he wouldn't mention plans for date night and I'd have to bring it up, etc....it was SO frustrating, because that's not how I wanted it to be. I'd keep on him about it, and he'd apologize and promise to change, but as long as I kept making things easy for him, things didn't change. Then one day I decided, you know what? He's a big boy. He has my number, and I know he enjoys being with me, so I'll wait for him to call. And as tempting as it was to pick up the phone and call, or say "so what are we doing for date night this week, honey?" I didn't....I waited. And guess what? He came through...and that set the tone for our relationship now. I feel respected, wanted and cherished...and you deserve the same. As I said, it might feel weird, but try it for a week...and see what happens. It's not manipulative, at least not in my opinion...it's showing him what you expect. If you want him to take the lead, make him. He might just need a bit of guidance. Good luck!!
  7. chigal28
    Interesting question!! A year ago, I would have said absolutely not. I definitely did NOT love myself at the time. Since then I've really done a lot of work on myself, feel a lot better, and think I have a lot more to offer and am just in a better place in my life. Soooooo....while I think I might be a handful at times (I totally know this), I think the good would outweigh the bad. As long as I was willing to call myself on my own crap (??), then I'd say yes...let's give it a shot.
  8. chigal28
    Hmmm, this is a really tough question, and I wish I knew the answer. I had been dating a guy for two years when we graduated college, and we decided to live together, which we did for two years, then broke up. My mom thinks if he and I hadn't lived together, we might have ended up getting married...who knows? I DO know that living with him opened my eyes to aspects of his personality that would have surfaced eventually, but maybe not until it was too late (ie. until we were married, which would actually have been a huge mistake). I didn't have that deep-down knowledge when we moved in together that THIS IS IT, this is the man I want to marry...I guess I was hoping that would grow over time, but it didn't. I'm SO glad I didn't marry him--living together, we discovered very important, deep-seated compatabilities and approaches to life that might not have been apparent until too late, as I said. Now....I've been with my current boyfriend for a year (was close friends with him for years first), and we moved in together a couple months ago. To me, the difference in this case is that I KNOW this is the man I want to spend my life with, and living together is the next step in the "process," if you will. I know he wants to marry me, and right now it's a financial consideration, more than anything. But I do wonder--is having me there, already, every day, going to make him lose his incentive to save up for a ring? If another year goes by and we're not engaged, I'll really begin to think it's because we lived together...that by offering him the comfortable, cozy home life he wants without a ring, I'm giving him no reason to scrimp and save to buy one. I don't know. I'm interested in all the thoughts posted on this thread.
  9. chigal28
    I completely understand where you're coming from, and as someone who has spent the past year working to achieve a balance in my life (between relationship, friends, hobbies, work, etc.), I respect your desire to maintain that balance. I think that's great, and emotionally very healthy. Speaking from the other side of the coin, strictly as devil's advocate...I don't want to stereotype the genders, so maybe I'll speak from my own experience...but for me, as a woman, the more uninterrupted time I spend with someone, the more emotionally attached I get during that time, and the more difficult it is to step back into "normal life." I have been with my boyfriend for a year now, and I am, generally speaking, the more independent one at this point, and usually the one striving to ensure that we have balance--spending time with friends, pursuing hobbies, etc. STILL...we spent five straight days together (albeit with friends and family, too) during the holidays, which we never get to do even though we live together, and at the end of that time I was sad. Spending that much time together really made me feel that much closer to him, and pulling back from that back into "regular" post-holiday life was kinda tough. So, IF you're still interested in this girl, it might be worth chatting with her about your feelings, but if you truly feel that it's not a match, I would definitely say something sooner than later. I had a guy end things with me a while back--also after about four months of dating--for, I think, the same reasons you're contemplating ending things with this girl. He was so nice about it though--really straightforward but kind, and I appreciated that.
  10. chigal28
    Do you get any benefit from holding out on committing to friends? Why do you think you do that? Is it because you aren't sure you'll want to go when the time comes, or that you think something else might come along? The cooking might simply be that you don't feel strongly enough about learning new dishes right now to actually go to the effort. Then again, if you were to start really embracing your desire to learn--force yourself to go to the store and buy ingredients, bring them home and just start cooking--the end result, a yummy home-cooked meal that YOU did yourself--might be enough to get you to try it again, and again. Sometimes it's just taking that first step that's hard, but truly committing to something, whether it's a person, a social outing or learning to cook--can truly have its rewards. It's sacrificing short-term comfort for long-term satisfaction. Sure, it might seem nicer to sit on the couch and veg than go spend time with friends or co-workers, but you said in your post that making the easier choice isn't leaving you feeling happy--so in the end, it's NOT really nicer, is it? You know what you need to do to feel happy and fulfilled, and it sounds like you're right on the verge of doing them. Force yourself to take that first step, even when you don't necessarily feel like it, and after a while it will become the way you do things--and it won't feel forced at all.
  11. chigal28
    My boyfriend and I are spending Christmas separately, as our families live so far apart and we both want to be with them on the holidays. We'll get together for New Year's. I've read a few of your past posts, and it seems like (as you rightly acknowledge) there are other issues in this relationship, and her not seeming as enthusiastic as you'd like about seeing you on Christmas is, to you, more a symptom of those greater issues. I'd suggest backing off a bit--she wants to see her family at Christmas, and that's perfectly natural and understandable. It's also understandable that you want to see her, as well. But from how I read your posts, the two of you are still figuring out what it means to both of you to be a couple, and the holidays can put some real pressure on *any* couple. See if she might want to meet up with you later in the evening on Christmas; are you planning to exchange gifts?
  12. chigal28
    It sounds like you've already done some research and a bit of "self-diagnosis," which can sometimes be harmful, as you may truly come to believe you have X, Y or Z even though it's never been confirmed. How long have you thought you might be depressed, have borderline personality disorder, etc.? Why do you feel like it might be helpful to be diagnosed?
  13. chigal28
    I'm so sorry to hear that you and your family are going through this very tough time...even if you don't necessarily believe in praying in a traditional sense, if you are feeling like you want to talk to a higher power, I agree with Belladonna--go with it. If you feel like talking, maybe you could call another family member or friend and just ask them to listen. If you don't feel like talking right now, maybe you could write down how you're feeling--get your thoughts out on paper. Listening to music is a great idea--it can be a real release. Can you go visit your mom?
  14. chigal28
    My ex-bf's best friend and I used to get in fights over Maxim....over who got to read the new issue first when it arrived at their apartment. It's actually pretty good entertainment, and in flipping past the photos to get to the next article, I've found that they're usually pretty tastefully done, too.
  15. chigal28
    I would probably be second-guessing myself if I were in your shoes, because it can be very disconcerting to put something like that out there and not hear it back. BUT--based on how she responded, I really don't think you should second-guess yourself. I think her answer was VERY encouraging...she didn't look shocked, or start acting weird, or try to distance herself, which is probably what would have happened if she hadn't liked what you said, and sees that she could feel that way at some point, too. Maybe she just takes those words very seriously, and doesn't want to say it back "just to say it." Maybe she's heard them before and they turned out not to have that much meaning behind them. I would say keep your plans with her, definitely, since she's already expressed an interest, and go from there. She knows how you feel, so I wouldn't say it again, but SHOW her consistently that you respect her, that you care about her, etc. Allow her to feel comfortable and secure, but not pressured, and let things grow at a natural pace. Don't let this ruin what could be a potentially great relationship, and don't beat yourself up for sharing with her how you felt. It sounds like you guys are off to a great start, so don't obsess over it, and don't ACT weird around her. Just continue getting to know each other. If you're always focused on the fact that you might get hurt, you won't be focusing on just enjoying what you have, NOW, and spending time with a great girl. Good luck!!
  16. chigal28
    Definitely, sparkle!!! For some reason, even though I know that some of my strong feelings can be attributed to "that time of the month" at...well, that time of the month, it doesn't change the fact that I DO feel that way, and it feels condescending sometimes when my bf pats me on the shoulder and says "it's PMS, you'll feel better in a few days." Even though 90% of the time he's right, grrrr...
  17. chigal28
    This is pure speculation, and I have never been in a situation similar to yours, but one thing did pop into my head as I was reading your post--is it possible that your parents are so freaked out by the blackmail thing that they think your sister's contact with you, no matter how short or harmless, might lead you to align yourself with her against them? They are probably VERY shocked and disconcerted right now, as are you...maybe you could call them and say that THEY are your priority, that you would never choose her over them, and that you want to sit down with them and talk about how this new development in their lives affects them and see what you can do to help. If you want to develop some kind of relationship with your sister, that's understandable, too...but it sounds like your lack of contact with your parents is really hurting you, and that's what I would focus on right now. Get things right with them again, let some time go by, and then reassess.
  18. chigal28
    Oh dear lord, yes. The good thing is that I'm on a pretty "regular" cycle, so when I start to cry over every little thing, or just get really, really irritable and angry for seemingly no reason, I can step back and say "oh...it's just that time." Which doesn't really help me feel less angry or moody, but it does help to know that there's a physical reason for it.
  19. chigal28
    She can listen to her friends' opinions, but in the end she'll make up her own mind. If you consistently show her that you care about her, and treat her with respect, this should make her choice easier.
  20. chigal28
    Just my two (more) cents, but...how exactly can he claim any kind of assistance to you in the trip out to see your parents, when you ended up having to pay for everything? I think I would have looked at him like he was nuts! And this argument about "I'm trying to save money, too" just doesn't wash. He can't pay for dinners, but he can buy expensive guitars? Relying on your partner to pay for everything is NOT considered a feasible way to save money. And you said he's making MORE money than you anyway...right? Where exactly does it go?
  21. chigal28
    That teacher should definitely have apologized; he's probably one of those people who just slinks away from an awkward or uncomfortable moment instead of taking ownership and responsibility for it, though. He also might not realize that it upset you...some people think that being mistaken for someone younger-looking is a compliment. HOWEVER...I completely understand what you're feeling...I am about 4'10" and have a really young-looking face, and I was at an elementary school the other day taking pictures of a first grade program for my job. When it was over, I was walking outside and got stuck in a crowd of exiting first-graders, and one of the teachers tapped me on the shoulder and asked which class I was supposed to be lined up with. Grrrr!!! Don't people realize that someone who is dressed in nice work clothes (as I was and you were), is probably *not*, in fact, in elementary school? I know they don't mean it, but it comes off as patronizing, doesn't it?!
  22. chigal28
    I think this sets a tone for your relationship that you're (understandably) uncomfortable with. If this is how it is when the two of you are still kind of in the "courtship" phase, why would it change later, when you're more comfortable and established? As relationships grow, ideally they become partnerships...and in a partnership, each person looks out for the well-being of the other, and that includes financial. He knows you're having difficulties making rent--that should signal to him that it's time to step up to the plate and chip in--at least making it 50-50. Have you asked him why he doesn't chip in for things? Does he know your financial situation?
  23. chigal28
    "The Scientist" by Coldplay came on the car radio as my ex and I were realizing, finally, that we just couldn't make it work anymore after four years together and one year of trying to make it work when it wasn't. We were particularly struck by the lyrics "Nobody said it was easy, It's such a shame for us to part, Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be this hard. I wished so much that we could go back to the start, when it was so great, and realized we couldn't. I still can't hear that song without it reminding me of that time in my life, and that moment. Although I have to say that this is the first time I ever knew that the actual lyrics were "oh take me back to the start," not "take me back to the stars." Then again, I also thought the lyrics to "Just west of Eden" were "Just twist, Evita." So what do I know? THE SCIENTIST BY COLDPLAY Come up to meet you, Tell you I'm sorry, You don't know how lovely you are I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Aww let's go back to the start Runnin' in circles, [sounds like] Comin' our tails, Heads on the science apart Nobody said it was easy It's such a shame for us to part Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be this hard Aww take me back to the start I was just guessin', At numbers and figures, Pullin' the puzzles apart Questions of science, Science and progress, Do not speak as loud as my heart Tell me you love me, Come back to haunt me, Oh when I rush to the start Runnin' in circles, [sounds like] Chasin' our tails, Comin' back as we are Nobody said it was easy Aww It's such a shame for us to part Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be so hard I'm goin' back to the start
  24. chigal28
    Hmmm...maybe I haven't had enough amazing sex in my life, but I think I would give up the sex....however, I would definitely eat plenty of chocolate so I might still approach that same blissful feeling!
  25. chigal28
    SweetiePie, is it possible that he's feeling stressed out with work, or something that doesn't necessarily have to do with the relationship? I know when I'm stressed out, I can be guilty sometimes of taking it out on the people closest to me, usually my boyfriend, and saying things I don't mean. That's not to say it's a good thing to do, and I'm not saying you should excuse his behavior, because it seems like it really hurt you. I'm just offering an alternate explanation...
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