chigal28

Hi all, I've mentioned in some posts in the past that my boyfriend and I were moving in together. I was a bit nervous, as I had lived with a long-term boyfriend in the past and things didn't work out, but I also know this relationship is completely different (much more compatability, mutual respect, same values in life, etc.)--so I'm optimistic. We both officially moved in this past weekend, and so far things are great...there were a few small "debates" about toilet seats (up or down?), the number of shoes I have, etc., but all were resolved happily. Here is where I'm hoping for some advice. In the past, I've been very guilty of becoming too absorbed in whatever relationship I'm in, and letting everything else--friends, family, personal growth, hobbies, etc.--take a back seat. It wasn't healthy. With this relationship, I've very carefully sought to maintain balance, and it's been wonderful. I feel happy and independent, but also very into the relationship. But now that we've moved in together, how do I keep that balance? It was easy when we only saw each other on weekends and once or twice during the week to make other plans with friends, but now that I'm coming home to him every night, how do I keep up with everything else I had going on? I'm VERY conscious of trying not to fall into a pattern of working, then just going home and spending time with him. I have plans with friends tomorrow night and Thursday night, as well as next Tuesday and Friday, but is there anything else I can do to make sure that A) I don't get too caught up in this relationship, since that would be the path of least resistance, and B) that we don't start to take each other for granted? I want to keep up with the good balance I've maintained thus far, but I also want to make sure he knows that he's important and valued. I don't want to overcompensate for my past patterns by making plans with friends every night and not spending time at home!

Wow Gator, that is a great idea! I used to listen to novels on CD in my car, but I had completely forgotten about that. I think I will head to my local library sometime soon and start using my commute time to good advantage instead of just wasting time listening to the same songs on the radio or CDs over...and over...

Hi Summer, Some guys don't instinctively know how to treat a woman, and they just need to be told up-front what we expect. I am 28, and for about 8 months I've been dating a guy who is going on 30...but I'm his first real relationship. Sometime near the beginning, he didn't call me one night because he was working till about midnight. I called him the next night around 10, and asked him what was up...he said that not calling for a day or two if he was busy "didn't change his feelings for me." I said I knew that, but that not calling for two days was NOT ok with me. Point being, I think there's been maybe one day in the past six months since that's happened that I haven't heard from him at night before we sleep, and usually a couple times during the day, too. Guys don't necessarily instinctively know how to treat us, but if they care about us, and we tell them kindly but firmly what is expected, hopefully they will step up to the plate. This can all be done very non-confrontationally, and in the sense of "we're in this together, I have certain expectations, do you think we could work on this?" If they don't, YOU get to decide what is OK with you and what is non-negotiable.

Had to chime in my 2 cents after reading this thread... I normally don't buy into the whole Mars-Venus thingie, but the "rubber-band" theory put forth in the books seems to apply to a lot of scenarios. It says that men are like rubber bands, and women are like waves. A woman and a man date for a little while...things are going really well, the man does and says all the right things, the woman is suitably impressed, etc. Then, seemingly without warning, the man pulls away...focuses on his work, other interests, friends, etc. This is him, acting like a rubber band, getting closer and closer and then--boom!--springing away for a while. Then the "Mars Venus Dating" book says that the key is how the woman responds. If she chases after him--which is what the book calls "eating the rubber band," she doesn't let things follow their normal cycle. If she relaxes, devotes herself to other people and interests in her life and generally acts like the kick-*** girl she knew she was before she met this guy--well, then he will often "spring back" and be stronger than ever. The books stress the fact that--and while I'm all into equality in relationships as much as the nexst person, I BELIEVE this point--that men should be the ones, at least generally speaking, to make the effort. To plan dates, call more often, make us feel cherished, etc. That WE are the prize, and they are the ones who want to put forth the effort to maintain it. When you relax and let this happen, it feels good! I guess the point is that some relationships, especially when you've been dating them for a couple months, can go through a period of uncertainty where both parties are looking at--hey, this seems really good. Is this someone I see myself with long-term? And if you can play it cool, and BE THE PERSON that you were when they noticed how cool you were, and not change into a needy version of yourself (I HAVE done this, uncountable times!) then the odds are much better that they will emerge from this time and say--hey, yes. This is something I can see working long-term...let's go back and invest more time in this. I hope this makes some sense...just going with past experience and things I've read. Good luck!!!! And remember....you are awesome, no matter what. You have you, and from your posts, it seems you do realize how great that is. Relax, be receptive to what he offers, NOTICE what it is that he brings to the table, and decide whether it is what you want.

I don't know if this will help, but here is my perspective on what you've said in your post. In past relationships, I have basically spent 24-7 with that person, and not nurtured relationships with other friends or family nearly as much as I should have. With my current boyfriend, whom I just moved in with this weekend (yay!) I really am trying to make sure that we maintain balance...that we see our other friends and family and maintain our own lives as well as maintain our relationship. Since I've been with him, I've realized what a healthy relationship can truly be...and as contrary to logic as it might seem, being happy and secure with him means I've really come to value my "girls' nights out," and I encourage him to have nights with the guys, going out, playing cards, whatever. When I went out with two of my best female friends the other night, I took a lot of time getting ready--doing makeup, picking out an outfit, etc. It's fun sometimes just to go to that effort...NOT to attract other guys (we went dancing at a gay club, so that wasn't even a thought, lol!) but just to...well, enjoy the process. It reminded me of in college, when my roommates and I used to spend hours getting ready, then go out and just have a good time together. Maybe it's as simple as this: Your girlfriend loves you, loves spending time with you, but also has recently realized that she misses her "girl time"--spending time with friends and her sister. She might "check out" other guys when she's out, like my friends and I do, but it's looking, nothing more. I am completely devoted to my guy, and cheating would not even cross my mind. I LOVE my girl time, and it's so important to me to have that as well as time with my guy. The fact that the two of you have the mutual respect and caring to stop having contact with people whom you feel don't respect your relationship, says a lot. I've always had a decent number of guy friends, but after my current guy and I started dating, I realized that some of those friendships were inappropriate...so I stopped contact. There are other guy friends who are true friends, and those are still around...and happy for me and my relationship. I guess the key is to keep communicating, and make sure you let her know what you will and won't stand for. Maybe pick your battles...cut her some slack if she wants to stay out a bit later with her friends, as long as you know what she's up to and as long as she keeps you posted about when she'll be back. If you have specific plans, ie. dinner reservations at 7, and she bails or is really late, let her know that you feel that shows disrespect for you and your relationship, and you're not happy about it. But by all means--trust her unless she gives you reason not to. I know my boyfriend trusts me and always has, and that means the world to me.

I'm sorry to hear that all of those things happened to you at once!! It really can start to feel overwhelming and like "what did I do wrong?" But, I really do feel like everything that happens in life, happens for a reason....and I think quite often that reason is to give us a firsthand knowledge of our own strength, and what we can get through. That's very powerful stuff. When I was a junior in college, within one week my bf of a year and a half and I broke up (quite bitterly, too), my grandma, whom I was VERY close to, passed away, I lost my temp job AND I got asked to leave the a cappella singing group to which I planned to devote all my time to forget about all the other stuff!!! It was an extremely difficult time. But because I lost the temp job and the a cappella group asked me to leave, I took a job at the college newspaper, and I've now been in the journalism biz and LOVING it for 5 years...I'm with an awesome guy...and I really feel like my grandma is watching over me. I guess my point is that looking back I can see the reason for all of that happening, and I wouldn't be who I am today without it. I also know that when tough stuff happens now, even many bad things seeming to happen at once, I can look back on my junior year of college and say--I got through it once, when I had NO idea what kind of strength I had--and I can get through it again, easier because now I KNOW. You are strong, too, and all of this will show you that. Hang in there!!! After lots of bad things happen to me, and I get through it, I find that lots of good things happen...eventually...

Shorty, I completely agree with you, too. I think you're doing the right thing. In my opinion, based on the nature of your relationship with this particular ex of yours, it's showing a lot of respect for your current relationship to make the decision you did. And remember, it's your call to make, not your ex's or any of your friends. When you make the commitment to get married, that relationship and that person should be your first consideration. The two of you are the only ones in this partnership, and the two of you are ultimately the ones who make the decisions that shape your lives together, and how you treat each other, etc. I don't think it's a bad thing to stay friends with some exes, but it all depends on the nature of the friendship. I had a relationship/friendship almost *exactly* like what you're describing, and I stayed friends with him (or whatever) right up until my current guy and I had been together for a couple months. Then I realized that he had never been a true friend, that he really didn't bring anything to the table that a friend should, and that it wasn't appropriate or respectful to my boyfriend to keep him around. So, I just stopped calling him. Since then I've gotten *one* drunk-dial, and that's it. No phone calls to say hi, see how things are going, check in, the things that real friends do. Apparently he doesn't miss my friendship that much either, now that he's dating a former Playboy model, lol!

This sounds like an interesting manifestation of a "gut feeling," which is basically really strong intuition, if I understand it correctly. I get kinda the same thing, only in my case I get sick to my stomach--literally. It's definitely not fun, but I've learned not to ignore it....

I think Renaissance Woman really hit on something with her last piece of advice. The more secure your gf feels within the relationship, and the more she knows you are going to be there for her and that you are reliable and consistent, the more comfortable she'll feel spending time apart from you. The last guy I dated was so flaky that I never knew if I was going to get a hold of him, if he was going to do what he said, remember when we were supposed to meet up, etc., so I became very clingy, wanting to spend essentially every waking moment I wasn't working, with him. With the guy I'm dating right now, whom I live an hour away from (until we get our own place in a couple weeks!) I can see him once, maybe twice during the week and on weekends, and the rest of the time I'm happy to hang out with friends and do my own thing. Yes, granted I've also done a LOT of work on myself to be more comfortable with ME, but he has also proven over time that he is consistent, reliable and trustworthy--99% of the time he calls when he says he will, he remembers our dates, he plans things, he leaves me absolutely no doubt as to how he feels about me. So, while these dependent tendencies might be ingrained, even learned from past relationships, they can be overcome with patience and work. While you're busy at work, are you guys able to e-mail back and forth? That's how my boyfriend and I keep in touch during the day. He'll write when he has time, I'll write back when I have time...it's nice because I feel connected, but there's no pressure to talk RIGHT THEN.

You're absolutely right....too much time spent with a significant other can definitely have a negative effect, especially if one of you wants more "together time" than the other! I don't think a passive-aggressive approach, where you just stop intentionally answering her calls, etc., is the way to go here. I think that would have the opposite effect, possibly making her even more "clingy." Instead, I think you should sit her down, and talk about your expectations from the relationship--yours and hers. Tell her you love the time you spend together, and the times you get to talk, that you care about her and truly enjoy being with her. But let her know that you also want to make sure she doesn't neglect her friends, family, alone time, hobbies, etc., or you yours, because in the long run, a healthy balance among ALL those things in both of your lives will make your relationship stronger and healthier--which is what you both want.

My exes are a part of my past, so they do cross my mind from time to time....usually, I just hope they're happy and fulfilled in life now. That goes for the ones who dumped me, as well as the ones I've broken up with....it took a LONG time, but I've come to realize that just because they dumped me doesn't make them a bad person--in a way, they've given me the gift of sending me on my way to find the life I was truly meant to have.

Thank you, DN. I do think she is still not entirely sure why it happened, so you're right, she needs to figure that out. She has assured him that it will never happen again, but to be honest, if I were in his shoes, I'd have trouble believing that right now, too. I think they are both frustrated, and want some concrete steps they can take to try to work through this situation.

For the past few months, I have been trying to give good, helpful advice to a very, very close friend of mine (we'll call her T) about a very tough situation she finds herself in. When I write what happened, please don't make any comments judging her....she feels horrible enough about what happened, and basically thinks she's the worst person in the universe, no matter how often I tell her she's not. Please bear with me, if you could, while I try to explain the situation. I need other peoples' takes on this, and there are only so many of my other friends that I can tell this to--and the ones I have told are at a loss, as well. T has been with her boyfriend (now fiance--let's call him C) for about five years. They got engaged last year, and we all thought this was the most wonderful thing in the world--she is such a sweet, thoughtful girl, and he is an extremely good-hearted, caring man. They have their ups and downs, like any couple, but they have been very good together. They were together (meaning living in the same city) for about two years, then she was sent accross the country for her first military posting (she is active duty). They did long-distance for about three years, and I truly admired their fortitude. They would talk every day, and see each other once every few weeks, usually alternating pretty evenly between who would fly to see whom. He tried moving down there to be with her, but couldn't find a job in his field, so he moved back home. They still kept on. Last year, T was deployed overseas to one of the war zones. She was there for a few months. While she was there, her fiance basically ripped into her for always putting the military first, saying he "couldn't handle things anymore," etc. etc. I don't know cause and effect, exactly, but while she was over there, she and another soldier got physically intimate (and this is where I ask you not to judge her). It took her a few months after she came back, but ultimately, after much soul-searching, she decided to confess everything to her fiance. In the meantime, he had found a job where her next posting was set to be, so they are finally in the same place, together. But now they have this to deal with. They pushed the wedding date back, indefinitely as far as I know, and they both seem committed to working through this. But they have no idea how. T is absolutely miserable, and she keeps asking me what I think they should do. I feel helpless and at a loss...I feel like my advice is trite, and all I want is to *really* help her. Help! I very much want to help them work through this, especially since I truly believe that they both understand how they contributed to this situation and seem committed to at least trying to get past this. I've suggested couples counseling, and they've gone once. I say they need to find a good counselor, and KEEP GOING. I've told her if they are going to get through this, it will take time, and the dynamic of the relationship likely will always be at least somewhat different than it was before. Does anyone have any advice, or any suggestions on books they could read, steps they could take, etc.? Any advice would be very welcome. This is one of my very oldest, dearest friends, and I want to have *something* I can offer her when I talk to her next. Thank you all!!

Moulin, I read your story and had to comment because it made me smile. He sounds like a really sweet guy, and a very thoughtful one, too! Enjoy this, which it definitely sounds like you are, but also, don't necessarily assume that it has to end badly. Every relationship ends--UNTIL you find the one that doesn't! And all it takes is ONE. And we can learn from everyone we meet. Oh, and I generally think age is just a number....your 21-year-old sounds much more considerate and selfless than the 41-year-old you dated, and it seems like you guys really click. It sounds like he is mature enough to give you the kind of relationship you deserve. Also, congrats on working on your PhD!!! That is such an amazing undertaking.

Hmm, ok. I've been dating my guy for going on seven months, we were friends for about five years before that, really good friends for two. My first love was in high school (one-year relationship) and second was in college (four-year relationship)...I'm hoping this one will be my last love. As for him, I would say he's been infatuated with girls before, but I'm his first real relationship so I would surmise that I'm his first love (and hopefully his last), as well. I'm 28, he's going to be 30 next month. So far, so good.

I think because when you were alone before, you knew there would be 3-4 days that week when you wouldn't be. You also likely want to distract yourself right now from thoughts of the breakup, which is perfectly normal...and in fact in my opinion a great way to move on and get back into the rest of your life. I'm sure your family and friends are thrilled to have you back. That said, don't forget to balance your socializing with some alone time, to re-center yourself and get to know yourself again. Balance is key. Alone time after a breakup is scary because it forces us to be alone with our thoughts....but you need that right now, too.

Maybe this is just someone who likes to be sure of his feelings before sharing them, or it takes him a while to the point where he feels strongly enough to use the word love. Do his actions show that he values you and cares about you?

I have learned that balance is SO important, and to remember that the rest of my life--work, friends, family, hobbies, personal growth--are just as important as the relationship, and they need to be nurtured if my relationship is to stay healthy. I've learned not to hedge my bets and cope with insecurities by being unfaithful. I can't believe it took me so long to learn this, and I know I've hurt people, but I finally started to cope with the underlying reasons why I used to do it and my outlook has completely changed. I've learned to give my partner the benefit of the doubt, in all regards.

Hi....I know exactly what you mean!! I used to worry ALLLLL the time about my boyfriend--if he said he'd call later and didn't, or called later than *I* thought he should, or if I didn't hear from him one night before I went to sleep. I used to worry and worry and worry, until I heard from him and then things were fine. But I've been working on this aspect of myself a LOT lately, and what I've tried to tell myself is that time spent worrying is essentially time wasted. Because if everything is fine after he calls, then things were fine before he called, too--know what I mean? In his mind, he's probably just doing things, or doesn't have his phone, or is preoccupied with other things, whatever, and he figures he'll call you as soon as he gets the chance. Meanwhile, you don't know what's going on, or what's going through his head, so instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming that he'll call you eventually, you come up with scenarios as to why he hasn't called, or--and I do this too--think, well *I* would have called by now, so because he hasn't it means he doesn't care as much. But you know what....I've realized that he and I are two different people, just as you and your fiance are. If you feel like he's unreliable, and that's why you worry, then I would talk to him about that. But if you think you are worrying too much--which it sounds like you do--then the issue is with you, and the good news is that means it's something you can work on, on your own! What has worked for me (and might work for you) is just thinking, you know what, is worrying the best way I could be spending my time? Then I force myself to focus on something else. If I'm at work, this is easy...if I'm not, I call a friend or family member, read a book, play some music on the piano or guitar, find something to occupy my mind. That way, you're focusing on your own life, and you'll realize that you have a lot more going on than just waiting for his call. And once you get in this habit, you'll realize how much more pleasant it is than worrying. I'm not saying I've got this down pat...I still worry sometimes, believe me! But I find that I worry less frequently, and when I catch myself worrying, I know that I can at least try to distract myself and do something productive. I hope this helps a bit.....the key is to try to distract yourself with something you really enjoy and can become absorbed in. If you don't have anything like that, maybe you could pick up a new hobby or skill?

Mandystar, it seems to me that you are still figuring out who you are, and how you want to relate to other people, which is fine...heck, I'm 28 and I'm still figuring stuff like that out!! The thing to remember is to make sure that you are only behaving in ways you are comfortable with, and treating people the way you would want to be treated. In the end, I believe you'll want friends who like and value you for who you are--and you'll want to like and value yourself for who you are, too. It sounds like you are a thoughtful, sensitive person who has the capability to get along well with most people, but also someone who tends to take on some characteristics of the people you spend a lot of time with. That's OK to some extent...just make sure that the people you choose to spend time with are people YOU like. And while it's great to have a lot of friends, just remember that it's OK if you don't get along with everyone. The other people in your classes are figuring out who they are and what they value right now, just like you are, and there may be some shuffling around of friends and loyalties as time goes on. Make sure that you are comfortable with you, and don't take on characteristics of people you don't like, just to fit in. My two cents--and this is what I've figured out as time goes on--is that it's better to have real friends who like you for who you are and will be there for you, than to bend over backwards trying to be friends with everybody.

Wow, that's a tough one. Do any of your friends and family members know how you feel? What do they say? Maybe don't think of this as something that has to change your whole life, like everything hinges on it. You could always move for a while, see what it's like, really give another place (or a couple!) a chance, and if you find that the new scenery and change of locale doesn't outweigh not being near your family and old friends, you could always move back. Where did you have in mind to move, if that's what you decided to do?

Wow, that is beautiful. I'm sure he will love it....what a wonderful thing for him to find when he's at the airport!

I started dating my best guy friend of a few years, about seven months ago, and it was definitely awkward at first!! We had always had a strong emotional and intellectual connection, but the transition to the physical was awkward at times. We've grown together in that respect since then, and now it's wonderful!! I'd say it took a couple months to get fully comfortable, and past the transition phase. Sometimes things still crop up every now and again, but it's SOOOO different being with someone I was friends with first...I can be completely myself around him, for good and bad, and that helps us get through some of the tougher times. I'm sure it will for you, too.

Hey, congrats!! It can be scary to step out into new territory, but also very exciting, especially if it's to get toward a goal you know you want to accomplish, and something that's very important to you. You've got so much strength and courage, and I think it speaks volumes that you were so very considerate of your employer as you embark on your new venture. Best of luck to you.

Yes, it's perfectly normal. Several of my friends did not start dating until college (university) or even after that, and rather than wishing they had started sooner, they were happy to have had that time to really get to know themselves and enjoy other aspects of life. 10 years later, many of them are now happily married to wonderful people!