chigal28

The world is a changing place, and people are meeting in all sorts of different ways and places than they did before. With people spending so much time on the Internet now, and so many options available there, I don't think it's odd to meet someone on there at all.

According to my boyfriend's parents and my parents, no, but we think it's a good idea, which is why we're going to get a place together when my lease expires in a couple months. It all depends on what you're comfortable with. Although neither of our sets of parents really like the idea, we took into consideration that both sets got married after short periods of dating and they were all in the age range of 20-21 when they got hitched! So they didn't have to deal with the practicalities of how things sometimes go today....at least that's how we see it. Plus, if you're engaged, that sense of commitment is already there....

Oh, I love this!! Dear JJ, I am so proud of all the work you've been doing on yourself lately. You may not completely love yourself fully yet, but you're taking very important steps to get there. Just owning up to the fact that you don't love yourself, and taking the step of starting therapy and really working on yourself, is a big deal!! It means you know you're worth loving, and you're willing to do what it takes to get there. You know that while others do love you, the most important relationship you can have is with yourself, and that's your central focus right now. You still fall back into your patterns of negative thinking sometimes, but now you're recognizing them for what they are, and that's the first step to breaking out of them. Awesome work!! Your priorities also have changed immensely over the past six months, and I think you're a gentler, kinder, and most importantly, more genuine person than you were before you started on this process. You don't feel like getting drunk and then making excuses for the stupid things you did or said, and you finally have started to accept that you are a fun, funny person that people have a great time with when you're sober. That is a huge step, because so many times in the past you tried to cut back on your drinking, but it didn't work because your mind and heart didn't believe that you could. Now they do, and it's been nothing short of miraculous. You are spunky, spontaneous, dorky and a little nutty, and I love you for that. You know how unique you are, and that is what matters. If I could give you a huge hug, I would! I love you very much!! -JJ

I don't care what the circumstances are, no one has the right to talk to another person that way. Those are immensely hurtful words, and not something that can be taken back. You must feel like you've been punched in the stomach, to read something like that from someone who is supposed to care about you. Don't allow him to speak to you like that. PLEASE. That is completely unacceptable, and it seems that he has some anger issues to deal with....

Having lived with an ex-boyfriend for two years during our four-year relationship, and having a number of friends who are married or living with significant others, I would say that you already have one of the most important (in my mind) issues at the forefront: space. When you're not living together, it's easier to ask for a night by yourself, to say you just want to relax and have some time alone, or to spend time with friends. When your boyfriend is living with you, it can be a more delicate balance. It's great that he has his own room for music, etc...I think if that's what you guys have talked about to tackle the space issue, then that's great. Another thing is that while yes, he is your boyfriend, in some ways he's also now going to be like a second roommate. Meaning that you'll need to deal with "roommate issues" as or before they crop up. Who cleans the kitchen/bathroom/vacuums? Is it whoever gets to it first, or is there a schedule?

Thanks for everyone's insights....I do know the concept of trying to be friends with myself, but I guess my question is, how? Do I take myself out to dinner and have a great conversation with myself? Not trying to be flippant, seriously, but it's kind of an abstract concept I'm trying to wrap my mind around. Lily, I guess I kind of understand your point in saying that I can't just keep posting here and complaining, but the reason I'm posting is to get some more ideas for concrete things I can actually do; I feel like I've hit a wall, in a way. I have done a LOT of work on myself in the past few months, actually. I started doing volunteer work about 3 months ago, which is rewarding; I'm working on having better relationships with my parents and sister and friends; I've been seeing a counselor for 3-4 months; I'm learning new skills (Italian and guitar) that I've always wanted to do. Hell, I've even written the first 10 pages of the childrens' book I've had in my head for years. But at this point I feel stuck, like none of that is actually working to help me accomplish what I want most: To love and validate myself, no matter WHAT anyone else says or thinks. It's not easy!! That's why I keep posting here....I'm doing FAR more than just complaining, believe me, but I feel like I must still be missing something...

I'm hoping to get some genuine food for thought or courses of action here...how does a person learn to love themselves and be confident? I think that part of my problem in a lot of my relationships with my friends is that lately I'm needy, whiny and in constant need of reassurance. They all know I'm normally a fun, funny person, but for God's sake, my best friend in the city said last night she wants to make more friends, and I'm still depressed by that!! I feel like she's one of the only people I can always rely on here, and if she makes a ton of new friends, I'll be left behind. I guess my question is, how do I suppress or better yet GET RID OF this constant chronic insecurity, enjoy the friendships I have, and maybe even make some new ones? Now that I'm finally in a relationship that I don't have to devote constant worry to, I'm transferring it to my friends, I think. ARGHHHH. How do we learn to love ourselves, and be confident (at least outwardly)? I used to be able to project fake confidence like no one's business, but I'm sick of doing that. I want it to be REAL. How? I just want to be happy...

I agree with the other posters....he knows you like him, and now it's up to him to call you. From the spur-of-the-moment and spontaneous way things have gone so far, he might wait until the day he has some time and wants to see you again, to give you a call....just a thought.

I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I feel like nothing I do or say is right, that I'm always being judged, and that any of my friends could decide to just stop being my friend or distance themselves at any time. I'm not secure in anything!!!!!! I get along with the people at work, but I'm not part of their crowd--I feel isolated and alone when I'm here. I feel isolated and alone at home because my roommates are now best friends with each other and don't even think about me. I have friends who live in the suburbs, but they have their own lives and I always have to take the initative in making plans. None of my family lives anywhere near me. So, basically I feel isolated and alone the majority of the time. I HATE my life, and I don't want to hate my life!!!! I've always been a fun, positive, upbeat person, and I just don't feel like that anymore. Half the time I'm either crying or feel like crying--usually when I'm around other people. Oddly, when I'm alone, I'm fine and feel good about myself--which is the opposite of how it used to be. And oddly I've been in therapy for about 4 months already, and this has started since then. My boyfriend is wonderful and supportive, and makes me feel so good about myself, as does one of my best female friends who lives in the city, but as much as I LOVE hanging out with them and talking to them, it scares me that they're two of the only people who make me feel secure and happy. I have about a half-dozen other girlfriends and one good guy friend I've known for years, who I can call to chat with, and a number of other acquaintances, but I feel like people always find some reason NOT to hang out with me and spend time with me. I make new friends easily, but the new friendships tend to fizzle out quickly. I'm never enough for people. When I think about my bf's and my future together, I feel really happy and excited, but then I realize the rest of my life sucks and I expect that to start sucking anytime. I am sitting here at work typing this and almost crying. I just want to move away (preferably with the boyfriend, who's open to the idea) and start all over. I know this is sick, but there are times when I want to get really sick, or get in a horrible car accident to see who would notice and care. I just want to feel loved and valued and I have no idea how. I know I have to love and value myself, but the thing is, I DO!!!!! I just can't handle the constant rejection by other people. Please help. I need help.

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughtful responses. I guess what's really my problem with all this is that when I was in elementary school and junior high I was always the really short girl with glasses, and to top it off we moved every three years, so I felt like I was always, ALWAYS just trying to fit in. I always made good friends everywhere we went, but the so-called "cool kids" made my life hell. Fast forward 20 years.....ridiculous as it sounds, people like the girls at work (my old job AND my new job) still manage to make me feel like that insecure little girl again!!! Like the reason I don't fit in is because I'm not as good as them somehow, not worthy of being accepted. Which is crap!!! And the insecurities this is bringing to the surface is starting to affect the relationships I have with the friends that I DO care about....I feel like I'm just a big ball of neediness and I wouldn't want to be around me!!!! My roommates kinda treat me the same way as my co-workers....I was friends with both of them individually before the three of us moved in together, and because I was always out of the apartment at work, hanging with other friends or a bf, they completely bonded and became best buds....meaning I'm the third wheel that always manages to get left out. IT SUCKS! They were both worried that one or the other of them might be the third wheel, but I didn't think it would be me. I still have good chats with each of them when the opportunity presents itself, but I don't really hang out with them outside the apartment too much. It doesn't help matters that both of my roommates and the girls from work (especially H, for some reason) seem to have a million friends outside of work..... In response to raingate, I don't usually have to work with her directly...we're in the newspaper business, and I'm the editor of one paper, she's the editor of another. It's just that I feel so incredibly rejected, and judged, and my self-esteem is in shambles as it is--I can't handle this!!! I do have gf's outside of work and my apartment, but only one that lives in the city...the rest are in the suburbs or other states (as in my friends from high school). I want to make new friends, but I feel like--if the people I know NOW don't like me, why would new people? And I don't even know where to meet new people!! I have this constant fear of rejection, which for some reason has gotten stronger since I've started going to therapy. I'm afraid that the people who ARE my friends are going to suddenly wake up and see me the way my co-workers and roommates see me. I constantly compare myself to other people, and come up short. I see groups of girls like those on Sex and the City and feel wildly jealous. I have my girlfriends, but most of them I don't see all that often--maybe once a month or so. I'm starting to feel like if I dropped off the face of the earth, it wouldn't matter all that much to more than a few people. I'm not saying I wish I had never been born, because I feel like I've been a good friend and had a positive effect on at least some people's lives....I just wish I could disappear somewhere and not worry about other people ever again.

I am sick of feeling this way, and I mostly hold it inside and let it fester away at me, so here goes. I am sick of always feeling like the outcast, and I'm not even sure why it keeps happening. At my old job, I worked with two guys, three girls and two middle-aged women. I got along with all of them, but the three girls were a complete clique and would always go for lunch, walks, etc. together and get together outside work. I would chat with them and have decent conversations, but I was never "one of the gang." Never went out with them outside work, though they did all come to a housewarming party I had a couple years ago. When I started my new job a year ago, it was at a small start-up company that had two offices...in my office was me, another girl my age (A) and a middle-aged guy who did sales. They were both great, and the three of us got along SO well....A and I had a blast at work, did stuff together outside work, etc. Fast forward a year....now we've merged offices, and there are now...you guessed it, three other girls here, including A. I still get along well with A (though it's not the slaphappy silly fun it used to be), and I get along with one of the other girls (M)...the other girl (H) and I for some reason are always butting heads. But the three of them are always laughing and chatting, and A moved to the suburb she covers (we're with a newspaper), and she and M are now best buds, going out all the time and chatting the way A and I used to. I asked M if she wanted to grab a drink last night after work, but she told me she was spending time with her bf....then A was leaving today and M asked her if she wanted to grab a drink this evening. I AM SICK OF IT!!! I put myself out there, and try to be sociable, and get shot down all the time. I happen to think I'm fun to hang out with, and I'll never understand this. I just want a happy, easy social life where I don't feel like I'm "begging" people to hang out with me or guilting them into it...or something.... I know A wants to have friends where she lives, so I don't begrudge her friendship with M, of course. I just now feel like once AGAIN, I'm on the outside and rejected. H makes it completely obvious that she doesn't like me by basically purposely and pointedly ignoring me, and she is one of those domineering types who completely affects those around her. I'm going to be 30 years old next year, and I still feel like the helpless little junior high girl who's just trying to fit in and can't manage to do it and feels like crap because everyone else is having fun without her and doesn't care. Argh! I don't feel pathetic--until other people make me feel that way. My roommates make me feel pathetic, my co-workers make me feel pathetic. I have supportive, awesome friends and a wonderful boyfriend, but the majority of my time is spent with people who make me feel somehow stupid and unworthy. Just wanted to vent. Does anyone else ever feel this way, or am I just....well, pathetic?

I was completely obsessed with my ex, whom I dated for about six months last year. I thought about him ALL the time, worrying about what he thought of me, whether we were ok, spending all my time with him, etc. It got to the point where one of my best friends said I wasn't acting like myself anymore, and I just seemed to be "going through the motions" with every aspect of my life that didn't have to do with him, ie. work and hanging out with friends. I love my current bf to death, he makes me happy, and I love spending time with him, but I'm not obsessed. It's a lot less nerve-wracking, that's for sure.

Wow, those sound like pretty powerful exercises, and your answers to them were very candid and honest. I think they also carry with them some very real things you can work on and think about, especially the part about being honest with yourself about your feelings. As my counselor says, the only thing we can control is ourselves--how we feel and what we choose to do about it. And the way other people show up in our relationships is correlated exactly to how we show up in them. If we want to have a different relationship with someone, or with people in general, we have to reflect and figure out what we can do to show up in that relationship the way we want THEM to. So if you want people to be more "real" and open, then you have to be willing to do that too. It's scary, I know--I'm working on that EXACT thing right now. Frankly, it sucks....but my counselor assures me that it's worth it.

I spoke with my counselor last night, and she said something very, very reassuring, which I think you'll find reassuring, too. She said that if we don't become uncomfortable sometime during the process of truly trying to change ourselves and see things in new ways, then we're not doing it right!!! So the fact that we feel uncomfortable and confused right now is a GOOD thing...it means we're on the right track, even if it doesn't seem like it. She suggested to just "sit with" the feelings....not try to act on them too much, but look for opportunities to learn things and observe the world. Basically, how we feel is OK and normal, and even good in some ways! We're breaking out of the familiar and embarking on new territory...but she also said rest assured, on the "other side" of what we're going through is something absolutely incredible, and we will be so happy we went through this. Hope that helps!!

My first boyfriend when I was 15 had braces, and I thought he was adorable!! I had them, too, so this obviously made kissing a bit harder, but not too bad.

On the flip side is the statement "Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped."

I'm so proud of you for reaching this important decision, one that shows respect and love for yourself!!! I'm sure a lot of others who have been following your posts here will agree with me. This won't be easy, by any means, and I know you recognize that. It won't be easy to break out of a pattern that's so familiar to you, and to work on adopting a new pattern in its place. You're used to being the emotional punching bag for your best friend, and not having anyone to lean on yourself. It's not easy to learn to trust people and ask them to be there for you, but it can be done. You wanted to be there for your friend because you cared, and you put up with A LOT from him....you won't treat anyone else like that, and you're a very caring person, so I think a lot of people will recognize a potential good friend in you. Some of my friends who seem shy at first have become some of my warmest, most caring and fun friends! Just as you felt joy in being there for your friend (when he wasn't devaluing you as a person), other people will feel joy in being there for you. I LOVE being there for my friends, and it took some time to understand that they love being there for me, too. I'm still working on realizing that, but as I ask for a little bit of support and I get it, I slowly become able to trust more, and ask for more. I've also realized that some of my friends are not always going to be there for me in the way that I think a good friend should be, so I'm minimizing their presense in my life. YOU WILL get through this, and I really feel that in six months, a year, you'll look back on this as a HUGE turning point in your life!!

More than likely, neither....it shouldn't be a choice. If one of them is someone that you really want to be with, it will be or become clear to you without too much thought.

Fantasia, I feel your pain--and I mean that quite literally. When I read what you had written, I felt such a connection to what you were saying, because that's almost exactly what I'm going through right now. I spent years and years trying to escape the fact that I didn't like myself, by surrounding myself with people (or attempting to)...I couldn't spend a night by myself just relaxing without feeling panicky or scared. I also am "getting back with God," and it's joyously uplifting, but it also worries me that doing so might push some of my friends away. I've been going to therapy, getting to know myself and actually starting to feel pretty good about who I am....but at the same time feeling disconnected from a lot of people I used to feel close to. It's very weird. My theory, for what it's worth, is that we numbed ourselves for SO long as to who we really were and how we felt about ourselves, and built a nice house of cards of illusions and misperceptions....so that when we decide to face up to things, get to know ourselves and be true to ourselves, we lose those illusions....which, at least in my experience, has been good in some ways but really sad and scary in others. False illusions create a sense of familiarity, but they're also not healthy or good for us in the long run. Fantasia, I'd like to think that while we feel scared and adrift right now, and confused and sad, it's a short-term feeling that will lead to something much, much better and REAL in the long-term. It's scary to let go of the familiar, even when the familiar isn't good and doesn't work. It's like the "leap of faith" in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade....he couldn't KNOW that the bridge accross the chasm was there, and the chasm is scary, but he needed to get to the other side to fulfill his mission. Maybe this process of getting real with ourselves and letting go of illusions is our "leap of faith," knowing that what's good is on the other side, and we have to go over a scary deep chasm to get there. So while it might not seem like it right now, I feel like you're getting health, and in the long run you will be happier and closer to who you want to be as a result. As one of my best friends said, "it gets worse before it gets better, but it's all part of the same process." PM me if you want....maybe we can share more about our experiences and help each other out.....Just keep with it and have faith that it will all work out for the best in the end. That's what I'm doing---or at least trying to. Some days it works, some days it doesn't!

I didn't get from his answer that he thought she was hotter than you. He pointed out some of her surface physical qualities, and some of yours. It maybe wasn't the most tactful response, but it WAS honest. Besides, thinking someone is hot isn't just a matter of appreciating all their surface physical qualities...it's the sum of the parts that cause attraction. Obviously he likes the sum of your parts. That said, you both seem to place a great deal of emphasis on the physical....what other qualities do you two appreciate about each other?

It's easy to feel really humiliated in situations like this, because you look back and with the benefit of hindsight, you think "I can't believe I didn't see the signs!" Well, you weren't looking for them....because you are a trustworthy person, and in my experience people who are trustworthy expect that others are too. You expected the best from him, and he behaved HORRIBLY. But I do agree with frisco, karma comes back around. Maybe not right away, but it does. In the meantime, it will be really important for you to be good to yourself and heal from this so you are able to trust again. It's so easy to become cynical or afraid once you've been hurt and betrayed. It's one thing to be cautious about who you give your heart to, and watch for red flags in the future, but it's another to be so wary and skittish that you can't truly enjoy being in a relationship. Remember--you did NOTHING wrong. You couldn't be expected to have seen this coming, and I'm so sorry this happened to you. But there ARE good guys out there, and one of them will prove to be deserving of you.

I think your being there could really help him out. Yes, in some sense this is between him and his family, in that they will need to sort out how they relate to one another after this revelation is made. But that said, I think part of the reason it might be helpful for you to be there is to show his parents that someone who shares their faith and beliefs has already accepted this part of who your friend is. My best guy friend in high school came out to me and two of our other best friends long before he officially came out to his family, and when he did, his mom (his dad left a long time ago) was supportive. But we all went to a very conservative Southern Baptist Church, and unfortunately a LOT of other people in the church were judgemental to the point of wanting to ask him to leave the church. I won't express my opinions about that here, because it's not the point....I just think that any support you can extend to your friend will be very important and welcome to him at this time. I wish your friend the best of luck, and you as you help him find the courage to say what he needs and wants to say to his parents.

It seems to me (maybe?) like part of the reason that you need to stay up late and watch TV is because that's the only time you get some true ME time, time to yourself. Maybe your desire not to sleep by him right now is your subconscious' way of saying "hey, Ta_Ree_Saw, you NEED to get away for a while." Maybe you need a week away, just by yourself? And I would definitely seek help about feeling so very unhappy....that's bound to affect everything else. As for sleeping in separate beds....my bf and I do that much of the time, because he snores like crazy, but we do like to cuddle until it's time to "relocate." And my dad goes to bed early (like 10-10:30ish), while my mom, a night owl, stays up and watches TV till like midnight or 12:30, then slips in and falls asleep next to my dad. She has to get tired enough to fall asleep through HIS snoring....hehe. BTW, I asked my parents once what the key to their successful (going on 30 years) marriage is, and they said "separate TVs." Who knew it was so simple?! My mom watches the SciFi Channel and HGTV in the living room, and my dad watches the History Channel, Drew Carey and Seinfeld in the basement. Sometimes they watch movies together...and I've still caught them holding hands.

Bowling, mini-golf, picnics, cooking, taking a class together, volunteering together, finding free stuff to do (I live in Chicago so there's always free concerts during the summer!!), playing board games (Scattergories is a favorite), sporting events, browsing through antique stores, having a movie festival with a theme you decide (watching the Godfather or Goodfellas with a big bowl of manicotti is fun).

If she hates her job, she probably lives for the weekend and just wants M-F to go away. It would explain a lot of her behavior, actually. But that said, if you feel like this will cause continuing tension between you, it's important that she understand that while you love her very much, this IS an issue, it does affect you, and things need to change. If you feel like counseling would help, try to bring it up non-confrontationally, as an issue that the two of you share, and try to get her to see that counseling could bring you closer together, maybe even help her feel happier during the beginning of the week. You sound very supportive and understanding.