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Everything posted by chigal28

  1. Swirl the last dregs in the bottom of your fingerprinted long-stemmed glass. If you don't tip it upside down Right away to feel the last rich, bittersweet drops land comfortingly on your tongue and burn a trail of meaning down your throat, There's no problem, you can tell yourself. If you can wait 10 minutes, nonchalantly making conversation not thinking about (6 more minutes) ordering another (5 more minutes) watching as it's poured duskily (isn't it pretty? I love the color) into the same fingerprinted (4 more minutes) glass---- And if, once it's placed in front of you, you can inhale the familiar, tangy aroma (swirl it--bring out the bouquet) before embarking on this savory new friendship with one small sip (Sonoma IS beautiful, so much less touristy than Napa) Then there's no problem-- you're just relaxing, having a few drinks, letting off steam. You'll go home once this one's gone. Oh. Well---- It's alright--if you can wait 5 more minutes Or two before pointing at the empty fingerprinted glass and asking for a refill-- If you can make it last 10 minutes--or 11!---- then................................................................................
  2. P.S. You are NOT pathetic. Far, far from that. You are doing what you can to fight for something you believe in, and have enough love for yourself to want to step back and assess the situation. I think that shows real strength and courage.
  3. I know this might not be what you want to hear right now, but I think you should trust yourself. You did what you felt was right, and I KNOW how easy it is to second-guess yourself...but if you didn't feel like it was the right thing to do for yourself, you wouldn't have done it. Now...you have three weeks to figure out what YOU want. I know the temptation will be to wonder what he's thinking, what he's up to, what he'll decide, etc. But remember that this time is as much about YOU as it is about him. What do YOU want from a relationship? Can he offer you what you want? Is it a healthy situation? If not, are there issues that are fixable? Good luck--and hugs to you.
  4. Haha, I do kind of understand where you're coming from...I am almost 30 years old, but still look about 18--or younger, apparently. I had a flight attendant come up to me when I was flying home this past Christmas and ask me if I was old enough to sit in the exit row--and she was serious. You have to be 15 to sit there!! Good Lord. Anyway, people (especially my boyfriend) tell me I'm cute, which I know is a compliment, but just once in a while I'd prefer hot or beautiful. Ya know? Cute, to me, even though I KNOW it's not how it's meant, AT ALL, just sounds to my ears condescending every so often. I want my boyfriend to think I'm beautiful--he thinks his six-year-old niece is "cute." Regarding the acne--I could see how that might make you feel insecure, especially at an age when not a lot of people are experiencing it. Not to sound like a commercial, but have you looked into trying Proactiv? It's supposed to work like a charm.
  5. I agree he was not the right guy for you, but that's because instead of recognizing that he wasn't meeting your needs and trying to step things up, he decided to run instead. Two people in a relationship will not always have the same needs, such as how often you talk on the phone, which is why we often have to bring things up that we might like to see done differently. So I don't necessarily agree that he wasn't the right guy for you because you had to ask for more phone calls, but because he ran away when you did make your needs known. If he's willing to run off at the slightest suggestion, or if he sees relationships so differently from you that he's not willing to compromise on something like that--well, I say good riddance. You should always be able to make your needs known in a relationship, provided it's done respectfully (and isn't something crazy like "you haven't bought me a new car in weeks. What's up with that?" Unless you're Donald Trump's wife. Which--yuck.)
  6. I don't want to sound like I know what's going on, but here is a thought...on my phone, when someone calls me once, then calls me again, only the most recent call from that person shows up on my call log...essentially the new call overrides and deletes the record of the old call. So if her sister called that night, then called again the next day or something, only the call from the next day might show up. That's my phone, though--I don't know how hers is.
  7. Was this added to your original post? Because some of the posters said they weren't sure what might be making you feel the way you feel, but all of the above would be stressful and very difficult, and I can completely understand why you would be feeling overwhelmed and very emotional right now. Both of your parents are going through biopsies, and that's scary, hon. Plus, your boyfriend seems to care about you very much, but he's not right there with you, which also makes things harder. Not to mention, moving to be with him is a big decision you're facing, and there are pros and cons on each side of the coin. This is a lot to deal with right now....*HUGS*. Could you maybe make an appointment with a counselor to talk through all of your fears and uncertainties? It sounds like you're overwhelmed, and you might need to clear your head a bit and get your feet back under you.
  8. This is SO me....I have a nice little plan all in place in my head, so if something starts going wrong (or if I perceive something to be going wrong), I start really picking it apart in my head, trying to figure out how to fix it immediately. Honestly, I have trouble waiting even a full day to try to fix and address a problem...which, maybe I need to learn to relax and ride things out more... Sophie, that is a great idea....when I start to dwell on something, I *really* dwell. If they gave awards out for persistence in dwelling...well, I would be up for first prize. Seriously...maybe it is a case where I need to learn to control my thoughts more, instead of letting them control me...that is a really great suggestion. And although we live together, I do spend quite a bit of time out of the apartment, with friends, so in that way I'm trying to keep a healthy space between us, so I don't rely on him for all my happiness....but I still worry and dwell!! Eeeek. Nope, not yet....he's mentioned a few times how he's saving up, but I guess it's slow going what with bills and all...so I honestly have no idea when it might happen. I'd like to ask, but I don't want to pressure him, since it's been only about two months. I'm hoping for sometime this summer, though...maybe if he and I take another road trip out to visit my parents out West like we did last summer. At least that would be ideal for me...who knows what he has in mind... My mom says things were much simpler for her and my dad. They dated for six months, they looked at rings, about a week later my dad popped the question. Now that I think about it, it does seem a bit odd that we looked at rings two months ago and he still hasn't asked...but I'm going to try to apply my new "don't worry about it now" principle to this situation...
  9. Sophie....what an awesome post, thank you. I feel completely the same way...like I want my boyfriend to make me feel better, to bring me out of my sadness, when I know perfectly well that if I wasn't with him at that point, I would do it myself--listen to some upbeat music, write in a journal, call a friend or someone in my family, focus on work or a hobby I enjoy, etc. Now that I think about the way things are for you, it is SO true for me, as well. It's like if I'm feeling a bit sad, and he's there, I use him as a sounding board and get more and more confused and sad the more I talk, even if I might have just been a bit "down" to begin with. It's like his being so understanding in the past has almost made him an "enabler," allowing me to not fix or change my attitude, but instead dwell on things. I am a pretty insecure person in general, and in a way, I think my sadness is a vicious cycle...I feel sad, so I go to him, he doesn't know what to do to make me feel better, I feel more sad, etc. I also hate to admit this, but I suspect in the past I've noticed that I get attention and love and affection from him when I am sad, and while it's not that he's not that way when I'm in a good mood, it just feels more...apparent that he loves me when he's comforting me? I know, it's horrible...I feel like I've been manipulative just by saying this, but I honestly didn't realize. And if I did, it certainly hasn't been intentional. You're right, though, I need to figure out how to deal with things on my own...if I don't know why I'm sad or upset, unless he specifically asks what's wrong and I have a concrete answer, I'm going to keep it to myself and mull it over. Or talk about it with a friend.
  10. I loved all of your quotes....but this one brought tears to my eyes. How beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
  11. Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous. ---Albert Einstein When you're learning to face, your path and your pace, every choice is worth your while... ---Indigo Girls Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. ---Abraham Lincoln It is never too late to be what you might have been. ---George Eliot Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning. ---Mahatma Gandhi You have to accept whatever comes and the important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best you have to give. ---Eleanor Roosevelt As life is action and passion, it is required of man that he should share the passion and action of his time, at peril of being judged not to have lived. ---Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. QUOTES FROM OG MANDINO: Never again clutter your days or nights with so many menial and unimportant things that you have no time to accept a real challenge when it comes along. This applies to play as well as work. A day merely survived is no cause for celebration. You are not here to fritter away your precious hours when you have the ability to accomplish so much by making a slight change in your routine. No more busy work. No more hiding from success. Leave time, leave space, to grow. Now. Now! Not tomorrow! Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for peace and contentment and joy in the world outside. Remember that there is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving. Reach out. Share. Smile. Hug. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself. To be always intending to make a new and better life but never to find time to set about it is as to put off eating and drinking and sleeping from one day to the next until you're dead. And more: link removed
  12. If you think about disaster, you will get it. Brood about death and you hasten your demise. Think positively and masterfully, with confidence and faith, and life becomes more secure, more fraught with action, richer in achievement and experience. ---Edward Rickenbacker Edward Rickenbacker is a famous aviator. I found this quote without attribution and tracked down its source, and coincidentally, I was born at (now closed) Rickenbacker Air Force Base in Ohio!
  13. Emma, I just posted on something quite similar today, as well...I haven't been officially diagnosed with depression, but I go through all the random crying, panic attacks, social anxiety, etc. And I also have begun to annoy my boyfriend because he has no idea what to do...most of the time I am fun and a bit silly, but then my mood just changes and I can't stop crying. I know that you have confirmed that a medical condition may be behind what's going on for you, but I found some of the answers posted in my thread (Am I Too Needy?, posted in the relationship forum today), to be very thoughtful and helpful. Maybe you could check that out? I don't know how to post links to threads yet (just figured out how to quote other members!), but if I did I would post it here for you.
  14. That does ring true...he said he's "given me so much advice," and it doesn't seem to work because I just end up back in the same sad, emotional place. How frustrating for both of us.... That is what I want him to know...that I just need hugs and support, and to know that he's there for me...not necessarily advice, or a solution. And I will try mulling things over for myself and figuring out where I'm coming from first before just starting to spout off at the mouth and talk in circles, which is what I do when I don't know what's really wrong, and then I end up "finding" all sorts of problems in our relationship to pinpoint my mood on when it really wasn't anything of the sort in the first place. Yikes, I could see why he'd be annoyed and a bit burnt out....
  15. Never-too-late, thank you, that is great advice. I do feel that I could be more appreciative of what he DOES do, and show him that I've noticed that he has been there for me. This can't be easy for him, any more than it is for me! I just hope I haven't already reached the point where he is distancing himself...I guess all I can do now is try to approach things differently....your screen name does give me hope.
  16. Ash and Adahy, thank you for your thoughtful replies. Ash, your girlfriend sounds a lot like me. And it sounds like you're very supportive, which is wonderful. It can be SO difficult, not knowing why I'm sad or what I need him to do, and I'm sure he's frustrated. I wish I could communicate better, but I also wish I didn't have to. I wish I could just sit with my sadness, and have him hold me, and not judge me for it. Adahy, you're right. I can see the truth in what you say, and I'm really going to mull that over and try to see things from his point of view. He did say this morning that he feels like if he doesn't say the right thing, right when I need him to, that he's in "trouble" somehow. I'm sure that could get very irritating...and frustrating...so what you've said was extremely helpful, thank you.
  17. I don't know if I'm depressed, or what, but I get in these phases where I start crying for no apparent reason, and need reassurance big-time. My bf was always very understanding about this--he'd hold me really tight, tell me he loved me, etc. All exactly what I needed. But for the past month or two, when I cry, and can't really explain why (I always have theories about what's bothering me but they're pretty nebulous), he seems to get impatient with me. He doesn't really reassure--instead he'll tell me to relax, or that it's probably just this time of year that's making me sad and I should "cheer up and play with our kittens." I do feel panicky and sad for no reason sometimes, but when he acts this way, my fear changes into: he'll decide I'm too much trouble, he isn't in love with me, and leave me--when his support and love was the reason I felt brave enough to go to therapy in the first place (which is what's dredging up a lot of issues for me.) When I'm my normal happy self, we have a great time together....we laugh, joke around, and just have a blast being together. But I absolutely can't "put on a happy face" all the time if I'm feeling scared and sad. I can manage to push past it sometimes, but not all the time. I want him to love me just as much when I'm sad and confused as when I'm happy and spunky. Am I too needy, to expect reassurance when I'm sad even if I don't know why? Has it just taken its toll on him, and he's annoyed? He said he feels like he's "tried to give me advice" but it doesn't work and I'm still sad. I don't NEED advice. I need a hug, and to hear him tell me how much he loves me. I told him that this morning, and he said he feels like he has to say the "right thing" right when I need to hear it. I don't know, whenever he has needed reassurance, I'm more than happy to give it to him. Granted he doesn't need it as much as I do, but still. Isn't that what you do when you love someone? I don't know how to make him understand. My needs are simple--but I guess maybe too frequent. I don't know.
  18. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that a common theme in what you're saying is control. Perfectionism can stem from a desire to control a situation to lead to a specific outcome, and that can lead to procrastination. I have been basically that same way my whole life...if I don't think I can do something perfectly right from the outset, I either shy away from it completely, or wait so long to start on it that it turns out to be nowhere near as good as it could have been had I started earlier. I've even been that way with phone calls...if I didn't feel "on top of my game," able to make witty comments and banter back and forth, I wouldn't even call a friend because I would think the conversation wouldn't be "perfect." After a year of therapy, one thing I've learned is that control is an illusion...and it's OK not to be perfect. So now sometimes I start on a story I'm writing for work sooner than I would have, so I have a day or two to go back and make it better. I make a phone call even if I'm feeling tired, because I've realized that I don't care how a friend sounds or acts when I'm on the phone with them--I'm just happy they called. It can also help to make a list of things you need to do, and just check them off one at a time. If you think you *might* want to go to law school, but aren't sure, maybe you could make an appointment to speak with a career counselor, maybe even a law professor, about what they find to be the greatest challenges of the classes and afterwards, the profession. Right now you could just focus on doing research as to whether this path might be right for you. No one says you have to decide everything today, but my advice as one who has been there is to start doing what you can now to figure things out, not to get so overwhelmed that you put it off and put it off. Start small--and remember, you've come this far. You can do what you set your mind to!
  19. I do understand how you're feeling, because in some ways I feel the same. I am not engaged, but my bf and I have looked at rings, and when I think about spending my life with him, I feel happy and content...which is how I feel most of the time. We have great times together, and laugh our behinds off lots of times, but I'd also define our relationship as...tranquil. Which is not something I'm used to. With my longest relationship (four years), we fought ALLLLL the time, and I think I got hooked on the drama. My next three years were filled with crappy dating relationships--one emotionally unavailable guy after another--and the drama kept up. Now that I'm with a kind, smart, funny, compassionate guy who treats me really well, I almost feel like something is missing. That something is the drama....and at times I find myself trying to create it...picking a fight, or whatnot. Drama didn't make me happy, but it made me feel alive. Could that be what you're missing? Maybe you could ask yourself what the drama brought to your life. If you still "needed" it, or thrived on it, I really don't think you would have chosen this wonderful guy that you're with, and been able to commit to him. So maybe deep down, you know that this stability is what you want--but you also miss the drama? When I feel that way, I remind myself of what an emotional wreck I was, how out of control my life was, how much I cried, etc., and how that emotional roller coaster made me feel alive. Now that I'm in a healthy adult relationship, I realize I can--and need to--find happiness and joy in simple things, and if I need to feel alive, I seek out a fun experience with my bf, or a good friend. The roller coaster served its purpose while I was on it, but I don't want to ride it again.
  20. I am a huge believer in "gut feelings," and my thought for you is this: If you have had a gut feeling that something is wrong for three of four months, am I right in thinking that for much of the time during those three months, you haven't been happy, or at the very least have felt worried and uncertain? I don't want to be harsh--I'm trying to be helpful because I have definitely been there--I don't think you can talk yourself out of a gut feeling. I have a history of being somewhat irrational and insecure in relationships, too, but any of my relationships where I've had a bad gut feeling--well, I don't think I've been wrong.
  21. Sounds to me like he wanted an excuse to come up to your desk and wish you a happy birthday. Nothing overly weird about that...I think it's sweet.
  22. Haha, I still order Happy Meals at McDonald's, as do some of my co-workers (I have a really weird toy sitting on my desk at work right now--it's like a black blob with pointy ears and yellow eyes, not sure what he does exactly), AND I still love Fruit Roll-Ups. YUM!!!! The marketing people in this world seem to think that once we're past the age of 10, we don't want colorful, fun food shaped like dinosaurs or whatnot. Well....clearly they're wrong.
  23. I'm going to agree with sidehop on pretty much everything! First off, I think that the only person whose feelings and thoughts about this you can control are your own, and it might be a good idea to enlist the help of a professional therapist to determine where these feelings are coming from. Second, I know this will be tough, but you really do need to try and relax. Yes, we should be able to be ourselves in a relationship, which means not having to "put on a happy face" all the time when we're not feeling it. But your boyfriend might need some reminders of the fun, spunky gal you most likely were when you first met. Yes, relationships are work...but there's got to be good times in there, too. Try this: Just for two weeks, don't ask about the relationship. Talk to him about his day, your day, your families, a good book you read or movie you saw, your childhoods, whatever--get to know each other again. If you're both constantly fixated on "the relationship," you can't be focusing on each other...and getting to know someone else and sharing things with them is what makes a relationship so wonderful! All that said, I completely understand where you're coming from and what you're doing. I have done the exact same thing...and I totally know how it can become a vicious cycle. You question the relationship, you chat and things are fine, but you have these doubts because you've questioned the relationship so you feel like you should bring it up again to make sure things are really fine...and so forth. You're feeding off your own fear and anxiety, and it's a cycle that a good professional could try and help you break.... Also--try giving your bf the benefit of the doubt. When my bf does or says something non-ideal, I have the choice of either interpreting it as "oh, he's losing interest in me..." and perpetuating that downward cycle in my head. OR, I can say to myself, "he really does love me, and I know it--he's just human," and then list for myself a few ways he's shown me he loves me recently. It's a matter of perspective. And do try to focus on things other than this relationship...if you're spending so much time thinking about it, your mind will wear itself a negative groove. When I obsessed about my (now ex), a friend told me it seemed I was just "going through the motions" of everything else, and I wish now that I had spent more time on myself and my own things--because I'm worth it, and so are you!!
  24. There are genes that can predispose us to certain behaviors, but it is still our choice whether or not to indulge. For example, someone who has a family history of alcoholism might decide not to ever take that first drink, for fear of what might happen. If someone knew they were predisposed to cheat, they might be even more vigilant about getting into situations where that temptation could present itself...then again, they might stop worrying about it because they have "an excuse" for why something happened. I don't think the results of such a test would prove much either way. Cheating is always a choice.
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