Russo

I know everybody apparently has gone through it, I got confirmation about 5 minutes ago. She's has a new guy. It's been post breakup 2 months. I don't know how long they've been at it already. I'm broken.

the way I read it is as: "he broke up with me, I'm in pain, why does he get to move on all happy and I'm stuck in the mud?" she's not willing harm to him...she wants happiness for herself also.

About the non-healing part. I can relate. (yes I am still alive folks.) Not having answers is a female dog. I've got answers....trust me, ignorance is bliss man. oh, and remember. anger is a gift. use it.

Hi, it's week 6 post breakup. In previous posts I've stated that I had a relapse. Thank you all for the encouraging words but since then it's all been downhill. I have a minute of clarity right now so that's why I'm posting. From crying everyday it has become crying the entire day for several days on end. I've seen a therapist and he's was wondering why I was wearing a longsleeve shirt in this heat. Well, that's because my arms are a mess. I have been cutting myself severely. I have told people this. Including my therapist but he couldn't help me. I'm not going on meds. I have tried several options as well: meditation, hypno-therapy, RET-therapy, you name it, I've done it. basically, I'm dead-tired of the grief and sadness that is ravaging my life. As I said, I don't want to worry people but that sounds pretty stupid. If I really didn't want to worry people I wouldn't have posted this. What I'm getting at, is that for a while now I've been sitting in my comfy chair with my service pistol in my lap. Every night for hours on end. It's loaded with a single round in the chamber. Between crying fits and anxiety attacks I look at my lap, and I'm truly sorry to say it, but the idea of instant release is unbelievably appealing to me now. I'm not worried about the "after-life effects" seeing that I have completely lost my faith in god. Usually after the fits and crying I fall asleep in that same chair. And every night is literally filled with nightmares. I can't remember the last time I haven't woken up sweating, gasping and in pain. And after I wake up I feel that cold weight laying in my lap. I don't know what I'm suggesting. Neither to you, or to myself. I don't how I feel at times or if it's me that is doing the talking to myself. What I do know however that the idea is there. The thought of: "it would only take 4 lbs of pressure and the pain is gone forever and ever" Another thing about me you don't know about is that I have been diagnosed a while back with a genetic condition. My nervous system is deteriorating and it's very likely that I will pass on because of this in a matter of years. I'm 24 now and 40 seems to be out of the question. My wish to settle down, get married and have children so that, at least, I could see them grow up for a while has gone out the window when she left. She doesn't know about my condition. I never had the heart to tell her. I know that life is precious, and I have had a great youth. My mom did her best as a single-parent and provided me with everything I needed in any way possible. And I know it's selfish of me to think this way, but my days are numbered. I'm in great psychological pain, and my body will give out in due time. I feel that somehow my purpose in this life has come and gone and that I overstayed my welcome as it were. I don't want to wither away slowly. I never had the patience to wait for things to come to me, be it positive or negative. I haven't decided on a course of action yet. That's something that will come along by itself. I'm truly sorry people to bother you all with this, but I had to say it somewhere. with love. -Aleks.

I know about the NC thing and all. But I think this situation absolutely does not call for NC. As a veteran of another conflict I'd say contact him. Don't bring up the relationship though. Just say something along the lines of: "I'm worried for your safety. Please make it back home safe and sound. I will be thinking about you and praying for your safe return. Take care" Iraq is no picknick. Wish him well. I'd say a prayer for him but unfortunately I have lost my faith in God. Good luck with it, and I hope he'll come back okay.

since friday I've started crying again. I had been doing reasonable for the past month then suddenly I started crying. And still am. Don't know what to do. Don't want this anymore. Don't want to go on like this anylonger. I'm so tired.

What the hell is it with today? I had a crap morning, couldn't get her out of my head today. I'm cool now (the gym helps out) but damn. Waking up sucked. Friends hang in there.

First thing that comes to mind is: "It's your life. You can do with it whatever you please. But I do not need to be involved with it anylonger. Just as such you are no longer involved with my life and what I do with it. That was your choice to make. Now if you'd excuse me. I have a life to lead." Ignorance is bliss at times.

I don't know if it helps. What I did, was starting working out. In the gym and all. That was good for venting and a productive way to spend my negative energy. Then at a friends home recently, I watched the movie "Blade: Trinity" The physique of Ryan Reynolds was just awesome thus my new obsession was born. I WANT THAT BODY! So for now that's my goal. I changed my diet and excercise routines just to get to that plateau. Point is. That's the thing that's foremost on my mind now. And with that body being all I think about. I don't think about the ex. Another thing, if I wasn't single I would have never started working out. And maybe a bit short-sighted. But she HATES sports. So in a while we'll surely meet. And there's the same old ex. And then there's me. RIPPED! And while I see my body grow in ways I didn't imagine ever possible it's a HUGE boost in my confidence. It's great being able to look at yourself in the mirror and say: "Damn.....you'll do fine. Hell...you'll do GREAT!" and feeling good about it. Works for me. I walk in and out of the gym smiling. Sore at times, but still smiling. My frown turned upside down. Good luck.

@Robowarrior: SHHHTTTT!!!! "THEY" might be listening!!!! @the rest: there is no way I can think of that Danielle and my ex know each other. And if it is a setup, that says more of my ex than me and she can go **** herself in that case. Yes, Danielle asked if I was attached. I just stated that I was single. As I said, I didn't want to think about my ex. So I didn't tell her I just was broken up with.

Ok. Update from me. Last week I had a pretty good week. Worked, worked out, picking up the pieces of my life. Hadn't cried in ages, went to see a therapist, so all was going well. Friday comes around, time for the weekend. One of my best friends called me up, asking me if we would go to the old waterhole we used to frequent in our youth. I hadn't been there in ages so I figured: "yeah, could be fun. It'd be just like the old days with old friends. Why not?" So we go. I walk in through the door. The very first thing (or person) I see sitting at the bar? Exactly. The ex. I walk straight towards her and I keep walking on to the other side of the bar. No eyecontact, no "hi", no nothing. I kreep a straight face and do not acknowledge her presense. I take a seat in a position where I do not have visual contact with her. In other words, my back towards her. I try to play it cool but in the meanwhile, internally, I'm boiling of tension. It's freaking me out. First time in ages I go there and she has to be there. Damn. After about an hour, she got up and left. Good, I thought. But still, seeing her again shook me up pretty bad. A friend of mine who knows of the situation, noticed it and gave some good advice: "good thing it happened so quickly. Better now, than when you're weeks or months down the line, think you're ok and THEN seeing her. Only way to go now is up." It helped. So I'm having a drink, trying to enjoy myself, NOT thinking about her when out of nowhere a girl appears in front of me and hugs me all of a sudden. "Wow. WHAT?!?!" She lets go, it was a girl, Danielle, who I went to high-school with years ago. We hadn't seen each other in nine years. I was surprised to say the least. Anyway, we talked and we laughed a lot. She grabs my cellphone, enters her number under VIP, and hands me my phone saying: "well, you'll need it when you're calling me tomorrow to ask me where to pick me up" Pick you up? Why? "you're taking me to dinner. Final" Ok. So I picked her up on saturday, went to a restaurant, had dinner, talked, had loads of fun. Went to a bar, played pool (she shoots a mean 8-ball, beat my butt every game and I consider myself to be pretty good) after which we went clubbing. It was great and she's quite a looker too. Night descended upon us and I brought her home. We talked for a while, but she had to get up pretty early so she went to turn in for the night. Before she got out she turned my head and kissed me out of nowhere. I let her."I'll be hearing soon from you ok?" and got out. I was stunned. I drove home wondering what the hell just happened. It has been three weeks since my ex left me. I've never "rebounded" before. It was great. Really it was, but somehow I felt a little bit guilty. I don't know why. Anybody know what I'm talking about?

I can imagine. It's been nearly three weeks for me. I've started getting back to work, to just ease back in. I've set up counselling sessions. (tomorrow is my first one) On other levels, it's like being an animal and how it responds to stress. They suddenly develop a lot of adrenaline when threatened and get into "fight or flight" mode. Same with humans, but it's only natural if it's only for a couple of moments after which the stress subsides. In most of our cases, the stress is not relieved, it builds up layer after layer, after which the body gradually breaks down. It's not called "heart"-break for nothing. The stress and amounts of adrenaline your body builds up because of emotional distress is not relieved and the fibres in your muscles tend to cramp up. Same with your heart. People actually die of sadness. Now then, I hadn't eaten for two weeks back to back and lost over 16 pounds in the process, and it was showing. But, one morning I looked in the mirror and could see my abs coming through. I hadn't seen those in a while, it made me smile for the first time in weeks. (dumb huh?) I told someone of this and he said: "yeah, the stress will eat you up literally. But before you go "yahoo" it's also eating up your muscle tissue, losing weight is one thing. But this ain't right dude." Know what I did? I started feeding myself. Water, lots of water. And heaps of fruit. Bananas, apples, pears whatever I could get my hands on. Then I ran. Ran until my lungs were about to explode. My heart went 2 million miles a second and I kept going. And while I was doing that I was just thinking of her. The pain, the anguish, the pure anger that was coursing through me, and I had a little mantra while I was running: "you're not breaking me, you're NOT breaking ME!, YOU'RE NOT BREAKING ME!" until I nearly collapsed. After I finally stopped, sitting there, panting, heaving, sweating, I closed my eyes and just, for a brief moment, let the sun touch my face and for those precious few seconds she wasn't there, not in my heart or mind. She was gone. I went home, ate some more and relaxed for a bit. There she was again. And the emotions bubbled up again. Sit-ups, push-ups, anger. Just pressing up like a madman. BAM! BAM! BAM! Again, tired. And again. A few seconds peace. What I'm trying to say is in regard to the "fight or flight" theory, you can't run away from yourself, the pain is in you. You can't fight the situation either, so you're powerless right? Wrong. I found a way to vent the excesses. Fortunately for me, I'm a easy-gainer. I build up muscle tissue very fast. So I channelling the pain and the suffer into myself in a productive way, making my body stronger and leaner. Another benefit of a stronger and fitter body is that it is able to withstand STRESS. It's not mind over matter in my case. This time the body tells the mind to shut the hell up and let it do the work for once. I'm getting physically stronger every day. I put on a bit of weight everyday and it's not body-fat. Just pure lean muscle. And it feels GOOD! Another month and it'll be beach season for me. And all she'll be by then will be dust blown away by the wind. Her mistake, her loss. You'll get through this, just don't let it eat you up. Literally. Hang in there.

1 Not instantly. The day after however..... yeah, begging pleading all that stuff 2 Changes....well, seeing that it's less than three weeks ago, the only change I can think of is feelings of loneliness, depression, anxiety, lack of interest and trying to fill my days with something until I collapse of exhaustion. Sleep is the only escape for me for now. 3 None. 4 A couple. Heck. I'm in doubt every day. 5 I honestly don't know and I don't care. It's not like I'm gonna wake up after a month going: "weeee! NC for the umpteenth day!"

Oh I have no worries, because I have a nice date for dinner in a while (see attachment) an old friend from highschool which grew up nicely. She's a 23-year old law major. This girl wants to be a judge and works her butt off to get there. Talk about motivation.

Well, some of you know my story, some of you don't, for the uninitiated: anyway, it's gonna be two weeks tomorrow that I was left to rot in the cold. Why do I say that so angrily you might think? Well, she's at a festival tonight, enjoying her time, having fun, being nice and uninhibited. While for some of us that could be annoying enough, that's not where it ends. Oh no no no no! There's even more! First of all, tiny update, couple of quotes I've heard about what's she's been saying: "'I didn't dump him, I'm not a dumper! I chose for myself" yes hun, wrap it up real nice, put a nice red bow on top and it just might be convincing. "I wanted to be alone, to concentrate on college" uhuh, she needed to be alone. For a week and a half. "I'm not out looking for a boyfriend" Exactly. That's because she apparently found one at the drop of a hat. Well, guess all the time, effort and energy I spent on her was worth zilch. Yeah, it's nice to have heard that I was a "good guy", and the "it's not you, it's me" cliche. Another thing, which really was a nice one. "I know he's hurting a lot, but that isn't my problem" yeah, great. Her last "serious" relationship was over five years ago. I've been with her a year. The guy was a total jerk, and out of the blue he dumped her, because he thought she was nagging too much about commitment, wanting to build a relationship together blahdieblah. He was just interested in his job, his car and partying. Heck, he even cheated on her, but she hung around none-the-less, because she loved him. So, he dumped her. It took her FOUR! years to get over him. In the meanwhile however, they still slept together from time to time. When he was out and didn't score he came to her with a nice story about how he misses her and wants to work it out. And she gave in for the duration of two years. Finally she came to her senses and whatnot, and broke it off permanently. Her way to get over it? Sleeping with a guy for two months after he chased her persistently. Now I know this guy, he's a womanizer who likes to tape his conquests and doesn't care for protection. She told me this. My response immediately was: "You know this guy's reputation. He slept with other women while he was sleeping with you, and still you didn't use a condom?" Her response: "Oh well, it was in the heat of the moment" She broke it off with him because he didn't want to be serious and monogamous. I found out recently (post breakup) that that entire episode ended TWO WEEKS before she met me. A week later on the first date, she immediately slept with me. How stupid was I. She was always proud of her libido, that she wanted to do "it" more often than her partner and while drunk bragged how well she could suck ****. Another amusing anecdote about "getting over it": As I said, it took her five years to recuperate. Less than a month ago she was at that exes house, because she remained close friends with his brother. So, suddenly, a 20-year old blonde comes in, says hi, and goes upstairs. (her ex wasn't home). She inquired who that was and he replied: "ow, that's Ricks' new fling, it's been going on not too long" Guess what? The next day she was with me telling me that that BOTHERED HER! Excuse me? In light of all this, while I reminisce, I can't help but wonder, what the hell was I thinking of settling down with this "thing" ?!? Mind you, during the duration of us being together she was the one who was talking about all kinds of stuff. Examples: she was planning where we would live. She discussed how we should name the kids. She was talking to me about what breed of dog we should adopt. Hell, just before she took off, she wanted to know what my wishes were if I were to unexpectedly die! "I want to know these things, these things are important if you're in for the long haul". Right. So out of the blue, she pulls a 180. Splits, cuts off all contact, and whatever contact we had treats me like I sexually assaulted her sister (which I didn't) And now we're two weeks later. And she's out there, repeating the same pattern, and I'm here to pick up the pieces. So there you have it. After five years it bothers HER that an old jerk ex has a GF, but within two weeks she has a new guy after being so "serious" with me. Now tell me, why do I hurt while she apparently has more than a screw loose?? Maybe my friend was right and I should start hating her for BS'ing me like that for a year. Sheesh. EDIT: oh, on a final note, she doesn't tackle ANYTHING that bothers her, she just lays it aside stating: "I'm not spending energy on that" hell, she literally said to me: "being in a relationship has to be fun!" I wholeheartedly agree, but as with anything, relationships have ups and downs, it can be all bubblegum all the time. and as soon we had an argument when I said something she would sulk for a while saying: "I just can't get over it just like that! It hurt!" But when it was the other way around, and I wanted to talk about it she would state: "You don't want to live in the past do you? Let bygones be bygones, don't waste time on it!" talk about contradicting yourself. yes, I'm angry, Angry at myself that I suddenly see all these negative things about her yet I am still in love. Puhleezz.