luckycharms

I agree that there's probably no point in trying to figure it out...but I don't really feel like I'm holding on to the past. I'm not sitting here freaking out and wishing that were me (which I'm proud of given I'm 4 mos out of a 6 year relationship) The fact that she's so different has just thrown me for a loop I guess...

So I found out from a mutual friend that my ex was dating someone else. I'd asked most of my friends not to mention him for a while, but I guess I hadn't mentioned it to this friend. I was talking about how I was thinking about holding off on dating for while, and they bust out with "Good, because _____ is dating this girl from work and he's obviously desperate because she's completely heinous!". I stupidly ask who it is, and it turns out that I'd met her before. My reaction was strange. I was pretty prepared for the fact that this would happen eventually. I was considering starting to date again, so it didn't surprise me that he was. I wasn't as upset as I thought I would be though...I think NC helped a lot with that. NC got me to a place where I realized that he had changed and I guess I had as well. He also had a number of issues (some of which came out post-breakup), and although I tried very hard to help him through those issues, I ultimately paid the price for them in the end. So the bottom line is, I honestly don't want to be with him anymore. If this would have happened a few months ago, I would have been devastated. I'm actually doing great considering the circumstances. There is one thing that is sort of irking me though...and I don't know why. This girl is my polar opposite in terms of appearance. I'm tall (5'10 and often wear heels because I heart shoes). I have a slender build, long brown wavy hair, and my style is sort of eclectic, but a mix between mod and classic. This girl is short and has a thick build, she has shorter straight black hair that's bluntly cut, has TONS of tattoos (like a sleeve of them on one of her upper arms) and has the alternative thing going with her style. I'm refraining from saying whether I think she's attractive or not, because that's not even really the point... Why is this bugging me? I'm just trying to wrap my head around why he would choose someone so different. It's sort of making me question how he could have been attracted to me if he's seeing her you know? I don't know...I guess that I wouldn't want him dating someone that looks just like me either... Anyone have any insight and advice? I know it's pointless for me to even think about it, and I'm not fixating on it...it's just sort of weirding me out. Thanks

Thanks for your responses! I definitely was not interested in looking for something serious, but thought that dating around might be a fun way to meet new people and be exposed to new things. I think I also sort of wanted to put myself out there a bit so that whenever I was ready for something more long term (which probably won't be for a while), I wouldn't feel intimidated about things. I think that for now I'm going to heed the advice of those of you that have been down that road before, and just have fun being single for a while. I guess if my dream man lands in my lap, I'd probably give it a whirl, but for now being alone is definitely not so bad. In fact, I'm totally enjoying the freedom…like listening to an entire Sufjan Stevens album (which was excruciatingly long for my ex, who totally didn't appreciate it), having the occasional cereal and fruit dinner, dancing all night with my girlfriends, etc. I really am digging learning to function as independent person instead of always thinking in terms of "we". I definitely think that there may be some truth to the comment about being over the ex, but not the relationship. I guess my time spent reading advice in the breakup forum left me with the impression that once you truly no longer want to be with your ex, you've officially moved on. The truth is, given the length of the relationship and the way in which it ended, it's likely there is some residual pain and mistrust that I haven't had time to fully acknowledge. (It's funny how you don't know these things about yourself until they're pointed out). Anyway, even though I hate the idea of being "that girl"…you know…the one with the dreaded baggage, it's probably fair to assume that I may be her to some extent at this point in the timeline. Hopefully a summer of fun will tame some of those fears, and I will feel a little more ready. I think it will be somewhat scary to make that step no matter how much time has passed, but you all are exactly right that I should be in no rush. When I am ready, I'm totally going to explore the whole online dating thing…but that's for another post… Thanks again.

Four months after a heart wrenching ending to a 6 year relationship, to my own surprise, I think that I'm actually ready to date again. (the relationship was on again/off again for a few months before the "official" breakup, so I've definitely had some time to come to grips with the fact that it is over). This is a horrible metaphor, but the emotions I had during this breakup reminded me of boot camp. I was broken down to the point that I barely knew who I was or which way to turn - zero confidence and so sad. I just went through the motions for a while. It was by far the worst experience of my life, but it forced me to dig deep...VERY deep...and access strength I didn't know I possessed. It made me assess who I was and who I wanted to be, and as a result I actually feel much more comfortable and confident in myself. I'm in a good place now. I'm interested in dating and feel ready...but where do I begin? Not to toot my own horn, but my ex really gave up on a good thing because of his own issues. I'm good looking, smart, have a good career, laid back etc. I'm ready to start dating around (just to test the waters - nothing serious), but I find the prospect so intimidating!!! I'd only very casually dated a few guys before my ex, and I've completely been out of that scene for 6 1/2 years now. Where do I begin? I live in Chicago, and there's TONS of great things to do in the summertime here, so I know that I could meet people. I have no desire to be with my ex, but talking to someone new just seems sort of scary. My guy friends assure me that I should have no problems getting a guys interest, and that I'm a cool girl so I should just put that out there instead of being worried about "flirting". Do you guys agree? Any tips on how to get the ball rolling? I should also mention that my ex was my first, so the idea of being physically intimate with someone else sort of weirds me out, which completely sucks. I'm definitely not jumping ahead to having sex already, but even the idea of kissing someone else makes me nervous. I guess I'm afraid it will feel awkward or something. Is that normal? I've just been out the game..oh yeah that's right...FOREVER, and I have no clue where to begin. I'll take any advice I can get. Thanks for hearing me out!!!

Dang it. So I went out with friends last night, and I was having a pretty good time at first. We ended up playing cards (I won) and then went out to meet more friends at a bar - the perfect night for forgetting your worries right? Well I don't know what the heck happened but somewhere around midnight, I just started getting so bummed. I didn't express that to anyone (because I didn't want to be "that girl" who cried in her beer), but I just started missing him so much. I looked around at the guys in the bar, and even though I knew that a number of them would qualify as more attractive than my ex, they all just looked horrible to me. I ended up getting home around 3:00 and cried. The first hard cry in weeks. I came really close to calling him, but wisely told myself to just pass out and wait until I'm sober to consider it. Of course, I will not be calling him today (and thank goodness I didn't call last night), but I woke up really really sad and missing him. I just feel like I'm going backwards here and I don't get it. I was doing really well considering the circumstances. But now, my little attempts to stay busy and taking steps to move on are backfiring. I feel like every step forwards on paper is a step backwards emotionally. Sorry - just bummed today...

Thanks guys. I really appreciate your feedback. You are all right. I was thinking of all of this prior to making the call. I guess since I had such minimal contact with him over the last month, I wasn't expecting it to hurt. It's hard because we were best friends for a number of years. He definitely confided things in me that he would not confide in anyone else. When I see him confused and hurting, it's almost like I push aside my feelings and want to be there for him as a good friend would. He's admitted that he's unhappy with every aspect of his life right now, and that just bums me out. No matter what I've been through as a result of this, I hate seeing him so lost because for the majority of our relationship he was a happy great guy. But, you are all correct. At this point, I need to look out for myself. He absolutely needs to figure this all out for himself, and there's no telling how long it will take. Allowing myself to be an emotional crutch for him certainly wouldn't expedite the process, and I'm sure I would be delaying my own growth and healing. Sometimes you just need others to reconfirm what you already know is true...so, thanks again.

Why does it feel so bad? You can see my previous posts to get an idea of things. Long story short, 6 year relationship, he couldn't figure out what he wanted for himself or us - civil breakup - I broke up with him, but didn't feel like there was much of a choice and ended up feeling like a dumpee I had basically implemented NC for the past month. He had left messages at least once a week just saying he was thinking about me, and missed me and hoped I was doing well. No pressure to call back. He'd also send a few e-mails here and there(I only responded a couple of times. My responses were short and non-emotive). When I called him a few nights ago, he seemed so happy to hear from me. I only let the conversation go for a minute or two (because he brought up that he missed me), and then told him that we should not have any contact. His tone changed to sadness and he said that he understood and he was sorry for calling and e-mailing me. I wasn't mean or bitter...just firm that it wasn't practical to be friends right now. By the end of the conversation I could tell he was crying (I didn't cry, which sort of surprised me). He did the right thing by not questioning me on it, but his emotional response threw me for a loop. I've obviously gained strength from NC (as I was a sobbing mess right after the breakup)but after I got off of the phone it felt like such a loss. I shed a few tears and went to bed, and now I have that feeling of emptiness all over again. Has anyone experienced this when they told there ex not to contact them anymore? I'm sort of having strange doubts...I find myself thinking that maybe I shouldn't have completely shut the door on him. We had such compassion for one another, and he really is a wonderful guy (we had a number of great years together). I hate it that he's so lost in life...even if I had to suffer because of his confusion...but I guess that's true love for you. So, I'm pretty bummed again, and this time I wasn't expecting it. Any advice/insight would be awesome. Thanks,

P.S. If anyone is wondering, my Dad ended up being ok (the doctors said he was a very lucky man). I also noticed when I re-read my thread that I sounded a little aloof. I've just been through one of the toughest periods of my life, and I'm emotionally spent I think. This has affected me a great deal, but it doesn't seem like there's much I can do, so I'm determined to do my best to move on. I'm really feeling bummed and anxious now that I messed things up for myself though, so any input would be appreciated.

So here's the background: I met my ex sophomore year of college. We dated throughout college and moved in together right out of school. For years, things were great. We were like two peas in a pod. We didn't fight, we were VERY rarely guilty of saying truly mean things to one another, and we got along wonderfully and had similar interests. After living together for three years though things started to stagnate. I asked them where things were going with us and he said that he didn't know. We talked things into the ground, and eventually he said he thought that living on our own (while continuing to see each other exclusively) would be a good move for us. I fought it at first, but in retrospect it was a great thing. We were both guilty of being dependent upon one another for certain things. We moved to separate places last June, and after the initial shock period, I approached improving myself and regaining my independence wholeheartedly. I grew so much and made a lot of positive changes. I thought things were going well, and by January of this year I thought it was safe to ask him where he thought we were (I hadn't been asking him to evaluate it every step of the way or anything - but I thought after 6 months it was fair). He still didn't have an answer. He said he just didn't know and he wasn't happy with himself at the moment. Long story short, this was the beginning of the end. I did all your typical stuff - cried, tried to talk about it, and really tried everything I knew to get it to work, but it ended up the same. So, we broke it off. Then my Dad got sick (with cancer), and a few days before a big test, the ex came back into my life saying that he wanted to be there for me. We sort of got back together, but 12 days ago I called it off because I could just feel he wasn't there all of the way. Although he was sad, he said that he knew he wasn't there for me like he should be, and that he just wasn't happy with himself right now. He said he couldn't imagine his life without me, but that he just didn't feel right being with me because he didn't have his sh*t together. So, I let him go. I had maintained NC for 12 days. He e-mailed me a few times the first few days (2 of them we just funny forwards), which I didn't respond to. Then tonight he called. I didn't pick up. He just said that he really missed talking to me, and that he keeps his fingers crossed every night when he gets home that he'll have a message from me, but that he would understand if I didn't want to talk to him right now and he deserved that. I wasn't going to call him back. In fact, I had no desire to, because I knew nothing had changed in this amount of time, and I did not want to set the precedent that we would be talking. Then just a few minutes ago, I just picked up and called. What the heck is wrong with me?!!! Of course, he wasn't there, so I left a message sort of flatly saying that I was just calling him back and maybe we could catch up some other time. I have no idea why I did it. Stupid stupid stupid! I think it's because he really is a good guy (he's never been mean or harsh with me throughout all of this, and I can only think of a handful of things he said throughout all of those years that were actually hurtful). He also sounded really bummed in the message, and I'm just not used to that sort of dissonance between us. I just felt uncomfortable that there were bad vibes out there I guess. Again, stupid though, because it's a breakup and it's not going to feel comfortable! I don't really want to talk to him because I have nothing to say. I've been doing my best to get on with my life…shopping, going out with friends etc. Of course, I was tired from the week and didn't go out, so he has a message from me on a Friday night (which looks lame!) If anyone is still with me on this post, where do I go from here? I called back, so is it cool to just start NC again? I don't want to look like I am playing games. I don't really want to have the "I don't want to talk to you right now" talk either. I just want to stay out of the picture. Let him feel what life is like without me. And as much as this all hurts me (and it does very much at times), it's been 6 years now and unless he's calling to say "I want you back", then I just want to move on. This feeling sucks, and I will NOT be breaking NC again until I'm completely over this. Any advice as to what I do in the meantime now that I've sort of blown it?

P.S. I honestly don't feel like I need him to help me get through this. Thank God I have awesome friends and a wonderful support system outside of him, and because of the way the relationship ended (with him not being able to give 100%) I just don't know if his support would even seem all that sincere. I just also know that he cares about my Dad, and I want to do the right thing. Not thinking AT ALL in terms of the relationship...just trying to do the right thing and be a good person.

Background: My ex and I weretogether 6 years. We were college sweethearts and moved in together right after school ended. The first 4 years of our relationship were AMAZING. We were just two peas in a pod...never fought, had similar viewpoints, and just loved each other a great deal. We lived together for 3 years, but the last year things became somewhat stagnant and we were definitely both guilty of being codependent about certain things and weren't really moving forward with our lives independently. When our lease was up this past June, we got our own separate places but continued dating (with the hopes that we would grow and become more independent). It was his call, and I initially resisted, but in the end it was definitely for the best. I REALLY used that time to get myself together and figure out who I was. Took that yoga class, finally learned to cook, read interesting books, etc. I was really happy about the changes I had made and felt the relationship was getting back on the right track. By New Years, things were going great between us for the most part. We were back to enjoying the small things (like poking around the grocery store) and bigger things (like taking mini vacations). There were a few things that he did that weren't cool though, and at times he didn't quite seem like himself. After New Years, I finally had the "where is this going talk" and he admitted that he didn't know. He said he hadn't really grown in that time personally (and in fact admitted he had gone backwards) and was confused about who he was. He said he was lost and had just sort of lost his inner confidence. Then he said the dreaded words..."I think I need space". He also said "I'm such an idiot because I love you so much, and you are perfect, and I know this is all a big mistake" as tears were streaming down his eyes. We decided to give it a couple of months of little to no contact to see how it worked out. So after going through a weird week and 1/2 of this weird back and forth stuff, I cut it off completely. Since then, he has left a message saying he thinks about me often and really cares about me, and also sent a few lighthearted e-mails but I hadn't returned any calls/e-mails. I'm not necessarily angered as much as disappointed and really sad. He really hadn't given much of an effort to improve himself or find himself in that time, and I had been giving 100% to myself and the relationship. He seemed to love me, but obviously had got himself to a point where he couldn't really give enough to the relationship. I came to the conclusion that if he wanted space he could have it...meaning no contact. I'd tried my best to support him, but for whatever reason, this is something he needs. So during this whole time, my Dad has been getting radiation for cancer. While the radiation is going well, we are still waiting on a CAT scan to determine whether the cancer had spread to his lungs. (The doctors found spots in his lungs a 1 1/2 months ago but couldn't be conclusive so they decided to wait a few months to see if the spots grew, multiplied, etc). It's a pretty extreme and scary situation because this type of cancer often spreads to the lungs first, and if it does, even chemo can't really touch it (just potentially slow it down). It's very scary and doesn't look good. The CAT scan wasn't supposed to occur until March, but now they have pushed it to next week. Honestly, with everything that is going on with my Dad, the relationship has taken the backburner in my mind. So bottom line, how do I handle this? My ex is not a bad guy at all. Actually he has a great heart, (and despite the fact that he's disappointed me and wasn't completely there for me right toward the end, I don't harbor any bad feelings). He lived at my parents house for a few summers during college and often went home with me when I visited. He's close to my family. Tonight, I called him and left him a message to tell him the date was pushed to next week. I assume he was out, because I haven't heard back. Although I hope we may be able to figure things out one day, it's honestly not the top thing on my mind. I just need some advice. Should I keep him in the loop on my Dad's health, or do you think it would be a bad thing in the long run. I felt like NC is probably the best thing for me right now so that I can focus on myself and on my family, but he was also close to my family and has a personal interest in my Dad's help (an interest that seems to transcend our relationship). Any advice?