Ms Omaniac

i dont think it's weird...but maybe that's just me. the stuff i find weird are the illegal stuff. anything else to me is just a different male fantasy. he may look at hot LEGAL teens one day and then hot asian chicks another. if he concentrates on just teens...that doesnt surprise me either though. i wouldnt have a big deal with it....but i know others here might. - ivy

ive stayed close friends with a couple of my ex's but i gave it much longer than a month to get back in touch with them. it all depends on if one of you two want to get back together. if both of you sincerely dont want a romantic relationship with each other...then the waters are safe to go to being friends again. - ivy

yaaay for you. i had one awful break up years ago. i also thought my world was over and i couldnt get over him for the life of me. a year later after our breakup...i still couldnt shake my depression. i tried everything from being institutionalized to seeing a therapist to being on medication...even giving up and trying to end it all. all i wanted was to have my bf back. now...i can honestly say im sooooooooooo glad i didnt get my wish. he was awful for me. im finally in a relationship where we respect and admire and appreciate one another and dont take each other for granted. it's better than anything i could have ever imagined. i also know im lucky...not everyone in life gets chances like this. i agree with day_walker....sometimes things work out but i also dont believe that this is what was supposed to happen. because i am fortunate enough for cupid to smile down on me...i dont take my bf for granted whatsoever. and i think anyone who is in a healthy relationship should also feel like that...they shouldnt feel like well someone better is going to be around the corner because life is like the happy endings in movies. they should feel like...dang...i just won the lottery. - ivy

it might be pride. pride is just one of those sins that can hold you back from so that you can keep face....but at the cost of your happiness. it could also be she is terrified of rejection. would be me if i was in her shoes. im not sure of ya'lls reasons for breaking up...but there could be lots of other reasons. those two are just off the top of my head. could be also financial, school, cultural..etc. - ivy

i totalllllly agree with the above. and i concur with Raykay....im currently in a long distance relationship and we both cant wait to see each other every weekend. this doesnt feel one-sided whatsoever. if i would be getting the input that your current bf is giving you...then id cut him lose. ive been in a relationship before that was one-sided and that totally affected my self esteem. ive also found out it takes less time to get another bf than it is to fix a damaged self-esteem issue. you should prioritize accordingly. - ivy

well...it sounds like you have a bagful of issues and insecurties...join the club. thing is...it's good you see that a lot of this is you and that you were programmed this way up to a point from bad role models and bad experiences with relationships. your bf does sound great by being as understanding as possible and putting up with this...but dont get too comfortable with that...he will also have his limits. you need to try and resolve these feelings you have because it sounds like any dissatisfaction that you are getting from this relationship is coming from only you. and your bf is putting up with you now....but dont expect that to be forever either. dont ruin this for yourself. you'll always beat yourself up for it if he ends up leaving you for something you couldnt resolve and that sounds like a painful life lesson. you need to trust him and in this relationship for it to work. - ivy

dont give in. keep doing the nc. if she has no intention of getting back together with you then you need to heal before you can talk to her again. her needing to talk to you and hoping you'll drop everything including your feelings is actually rather selfish of her. in know her friends are looking out for her....but they arent looking out for you. you need to look out for you because it looks like everyone else is worried about her and not you. focus on you. - ivy

anyone who can treat you so cruelly after you have been nothing but patient and kind does not deserve to know you. you need to find someone that does appreciate you and love you and cant wait to see you and be with you. you need to be with someone that cant keep their hands off of you and truly cares and worries about you. i dont believe this lady does nor will she ever. she prob DOES want you around though for your money. about it. she sounds unbelievably selfish. consider yourself lucky that she wants out...she is doing you a huge favor whether you see this yet or not. you deserve better. you need to respect yourself more. you need to see that you deserve someone that will treat you like how you treat them. it should NEVER be so one-sided. - ivy

personally...if i dont get the attention i deserve...i leave. i CAN be understanding though if i know the situation will not be forever. but since this guy's life will always be like this....do you really want your best relationship to be with a guy who can never give you what you want...which is his time? - ivy

agree with raykay and phreckles... i met my bf via yahoo personals. first we did emails for 2 days, then IMing for a couple of days and on the phone for a couple of days...tops. in less than a week we had to meet in person. now we NEVER talk online...it's either the phone or in person. maybe the person you are chatting with doesnt want you to hear their voice because they are not the gender you think they are. ive heard of that also. if you dont hear this person's voice immediately...then cut off all communication. -ivy

i was put in your situation and i didnt go back. after being away, i met someone who treats me the way i deserve to be treated. it's not like i dont care for my ex...but i have realized now that he couldnt offer me what i truly wanted and needed. im glad to have found someone that is as wonderful as i could ever have imagined. this is a painful lesson for her to learn...but she should at least see your relationship with her as a learning one. hopefully the next guy she is with...she'll appreciate more and not let history repeat itself. - ivy

if im interested in a guy...not only do my words show it but my actions. i dont know why she's dragging her feet...maybe there are other reasons. but the fact you keep in constant email contact and she missed an opportunity to meet you makes me wonder what's wrong with her. maybe she is the type of girl who believes the guy has to make ALL the moves. i would definitely talk to her about this but i dont have the highest of expectations from her either. - ivy

youve done the right thing cutting off contact. i dont blame her because it sounds like from your last post that she herself is hurting...but i think she is being too selfish and not caring enough about you and your feelings. you deserve to be with someone who appreciates you and not someone who takes advantage of you. maybe she will see or does see NOW how youve been there for her through thick and thin while her ex hasnt been as considerate. either way though...i would hope you would end up with someone who is as considerate with you as you are to them. it shouldnt be so one-sided. - ivy

personally...i get drawn if our personalities click. i click with so few people...that when i finally do...it's immediate attraction. - ivy

sure thing batgirl. i also hope you realize that since this process was slow to feel this kind of resentment...sometimes the progress will be slow to resolve it. all relationships require work and both of you need to want it. i understand if this marriage ends up not being able to withstand all the pressures but at least you will have the knowledge and satisfaction that you tried every revenue to save it so that you wont have a mountain of regret on your shoulders either. - ivy

i was thinking the same thing sonjam. the jerk father/husband in that movie SHOULD be extinct. - ivy

though i respect tiredman's comments i dont agree with them. i understand you wanting to have a child and it is very very difficult when your partner does not. i have seen marriages end because of this...resentment on your part for not having a child. or if you do have a child...resentment on the other's part for having the child. i dont see it as selfish on either parts. youre simply maternal with a lot of love to give and offer. and your spouse has nothing left to give because his energies are spent or are being used elsewhere. i personally do not see you being selfish at all. and im not sure why your husband didnt/doesnt want to have a child...but i suspect he isnt completely selfish either. you both have your reasons. and because this decision is a major major decision that can make or break a marriage....i can see why this has affected the way you look at him and feel towards him. i also understand how you say your love is not as strong. i personally believe you at one point must have loved him tremendously. but since he was not able to fulfill one of your strongest desires and needs...you started to look at him differently. i dont blame you. maybe that is a coping skill your mind has given you...to protect your heart and head...to be able to let go of this man so that you can fulfill what you need....which is a need to have a child. maybe because he didnt fulfill this need...you have fallen out of love with him. and it is VERY hard if not impossible to go back...even when your partner vows to try....sometimes it's a little too little and a little too late. and because you were alone and vulnerable....i can see where this new man would help you. and because he is helping you in such a great time of need...i can see how you became dependent on him. he sounds like a caring and understanding person....someone that is good to be there for you when you are walking in these dark days. personally....i hope your marriage can be saved but it will be very very very difficult. i dont know if your husband will give you a child. and if he does...he maybe in your shoes and resenting you later. he should only give you a child if he wants one...and it sounds like he might give you one solely to save the marriage. having a child to save marriage actually rarely works. also...it sounds like you have lost a lot of the love you have for him and that is hard to go back to. not impossible but both of you need to want to go back. you have said yourself you are trying. but as you are seeing...you cant force it either. you cant force someone to love you and you cant force yourself to love someone. the only chance i see in saving your marriage is for you two to see a counselor...to try and cut all communication with the other man (because you are too dependent on him...not that i dont like him because he does sound like a wonderful, compassionate and understanding friend) and to talk more with your husband about your feelings and his feelings. hopefully you two will remember why you love each other so much. maybe you two cant go back to how you used to be but maybe you two can start over. good luck. take care and i hope things work out for you. - ivy

it sounds like he is regretting his decision and realizing more and more what a great girl you are. maybe the pressure of a relationship affected the way he acted towards you? i say keep doing what youre doing and not pressure him and see where this goes. good luck. - ivy

to me it sounds like this guy's life is in total disarray...especially financially. and one thing that ive come to realize...to have a healthy relationship...both people need to be able to be happy with themselves and happy in general. maybe the turmoil of his life is affecting his whole outlook on life including his relationship with you? im sorry to hear youre in such pain. hopefully when his life straightens out...he'll call you. - ivy

not all girls are like that. i know that might seem hard to believe coming from a small town....because there isnt much to do in a small town but have sex. a lot of people...both girls and guys...dont mind the outside appearance BUT prefer a more beautiful inside. i know i do and i know im not the only one. i normally am not attracted to blondes but the most intense relationship i ever had was with one (thus far at least). i also normally like guys to have some meat on them and the blonde guy i dated was waaaaaaaaaay too skinny. but that didnt matter. what mattered was that he made me laugh and he understood me. dont lose hope. - ivy

you need to try and stop this...as hard as this is. you actually push him away when you constantly do this. i can understand being untrustful in the beginning. but if he keeps proving himself and he has to keep proving himself...this will get old and he will eventually be wary of it. the fact that he has stayed this long with you constantly questioning him shows that he DOES love you and is trying to prove to you that he does. the reason why your relationship is not enjoyable to you and him right now is because of just your insecurity. you need to try and not fret so much and not worry about the future nor worry about what MIGHT happen. you need to try and enjoy the moment...enjoy your relationship with him...enjoy having someone that cares deeply about you. i think everyone has some form of cynicism and mistrust in the beginning. but if it is so overwhelming...it is ruining your life and relationship then you may need some counseling to try and overcome this. definitely talk to others and talk to him about this. open communication with your partner in a rational and civilized way always helps. take care and good luck. - ivy

i personally wouldnt be turned off by it. he's the same person that he was...this is just a different side of him. and if you marry someone...you should love them completely and accept who they are completely. and if you cant accept this...then this is definitely something to consider and talk about. i think if you want him to deny this part of himself...it's being rather unfair since it is who he is but that is your call. he also might agree to what you want but later might regret his decision or still daydream about it. i personally would embrace it because it is a part of him. either way....you 2 should definitely talk about this. - ivy

even if you were looking at porn the whole time you were together is NOT a big deal. being attracted to other people is expected. what is realllly unrealistic is to think that the only person in the world that you should be attracted to is her. and you can be attracted to several diff types of people...it doesnt have to fit into one cookie cutter mold. after your last post...it makes more sense. she has strong insecurities about herself and her body. maybe she doesnt feel attractive. maybe she feels threatened if you find other people are attractive and will leave her. she needs to be comfortable with her body and trust you and because of all that...these are her issues to resolve and not really yours. youve done nothing wrong nor should you be ashamed of your sex drive. not that this will bring her back...but hopefully one day she will see that all along this was not a problem nor a reason to leave you. and that your heart did indeed belong to her...but she was too insecure to see that and that was a huge part of the problem why you 2 did not work out. - ivy

sounds strange...very strange. you definitely need to talk to him about it. after he explains...then you can decide what you should do from there. but seeing all that stuff will lead you to draw your own conclusions which may or may not be true. so you definitely need open communication asap. after he gives you his explanation...hopefully you can listen with an open mind and discuss where you two go from there. good luck. - ivy

well personally...i would let him stay at the hotel because that is what would make HIM feel comfortable. you can tell your parents that also. plus he will have a haven to run off to to unwind since meeting your parents will actually be stressing. and i think the sex will also help with the stress. i understand that he should be able to have a few days without it...but at the same time...the best part of the relationship is at the beginning when you two cant keep your hands off of each other. i think if you DO have sex in the hotel room...that little vacation where he meets your parents and then totally ravages you later in the hotel room...will be a fantastic memory for you. i personally say...let him have the room for both his sake and yours. you shouldnt let your parents judgment interfere with your love life. they raised you and now you can do what you please with the moral system that they helped instill. you are old enough to have sex with your lover whenever you want now....it doesnt make you a bad person. - ivy