SoGoodImWorried

strikeonbox, my ex-girlfriend said she was pregnant when I told her I was breaking up. It was very painful to hear that, even if I knew (almost for sure) that it was a lie. It WAS a lie. I never called her again. But she is still calling me from time to time, even after more than a year after the breakup. It feels like she still wants a romantic relationship with me, but she denies it when I ask. She claims that she wants to keep in touch (the same way she has been keeping in touch with another of her ex-boyfriends for the last 20 years). I hope that eventually, she will stop calling. This is my attitude towards her. 'strikeonbox', your husband has a different attitude towards his ex-girlfriends, he wants to keep in touch. This is very likely a part of his personality he can't change. And I tend to believe him when he says he would not cheat on you. If my girlfriend/wife asked me to stop contacting any of my friends, I would not be to happy about that. However, if my time spent for my friends was taking some time away from the time I have for the relationship with my wife, I would like my wife to tell me. 'strikeonbox', is your husband chatting on the internet instead of spending time with you, or is he chatting on the internet as personal time spent while you are doing an activity on your own personal time?

Thanks Scout, I was already standing 1 inch back when she slammed the door shut; so I didn't get hurt, just startled! I have already replied to her cold answer, saying that if her professional duties mean that she can't find a few hours a week, then it interferes too much with getting to know each other. You are right, my question came out too serious for her. But I didn't think it was: we met on a web site clearly for people who want to start a long-term relationship, there was a quite thorough description of our personalities, we corresponded for eleven weeks, exchanged 40 e-mails between the two of us, and I considered our first (and only) meeting a date (dinner, then we talked for more than an hour afterwards). It looked to me that the next meeting would be a 2nd date. I knew relatively many things about her as we have exchanged many informative e-mails. Yet I toned it down a little by saying " trying to have a relationship with me". I have asked her a few times. Each time, she's replied something like "I'll be back in a week, maybe we can do something then..." (see my first post) but we never met again. After a few let downs like that, I started wondering if I was wasting my time... My life is also 100% filled with the job, activities, etc... I am never bored! But if someone special shows up, then I make some time for her! Otherwise, what's the point of a partner if you have no time for her in your life? (That's really what I would like to ask her if we were still talking !)

She didn't answer precisely to my question, but it is over! It's true Shidoshi, I liked her (even if I didn't know her very much). There was some potential, except that she was almost never available. So I am a little upset... but I expected it. That's what we e-mailed to each other. I asked her: The fact of the matter is that it has been way too much time since we got together. I understand that it was impossible to meet on weekends or when either one of us was away. But[...] After all the missed opportunities, I am wondering what is happening. Are you still interested in trying to have a relationship with me? To which she replied: Sorry that you feel that way. Unfortunately this August/September has been particularly busy and I haven't been able to get to much outside work. (I would have met her for lunch or dinner near her work place, or in the park where she walks her dog, ...) And from my perspective, we were still trying to get to know each other to determine whether we wanted to have a relationship or not. (Same here, but I think we should meet in person some time...) Better luck with future matches - maybe their profession won't interfere as much. (Looks like she is saying it's over!) Judging by how quickly she dismissed me, it seems she was not very interested or too busy to care. If her profession means that she can't make time for a few hours a week, then it interferes too much with what I would need in a relationship. Oh well, it's her loss... Thank you all for the advice. I feel better after writing this. L

Thank you all for your responses. nikkers04 said: I agree with you. I don't want to meet these people right now. I was just thinking that she is busy 50% with her work, 50% with these people. Ceema-k said: Ceema-k, sorry to see your current situation is that complicated. I agree with what you said. Maybe she doesn't realize what she is doing (or what she is not doing). That's why I think it is best to ask her where she stands. Maybe she doesn't need that much contact with her partner. In that case, she is just not the person for me. Ms Omaniac said: If that's the case and she doesn't change her belief, then it's just not going to work out for us... heloladies21, patience and SkyFire, you seem convinced that she is not interested. I don't want to start playing this game of not writing to her until she makes a move. She might not guess why I am doing that and never contact me again. That's not good because there is no closure. As for stopping the phone calls... well: she has my phone number but never called me; and she never gave me hers! rvr350 said: Except for the first time I went to have dinner with her, she gave me reasons for every other time she couldn't meet me. I gave her my phone number and said she could call anytime. I often said, "call me and suggest a day to meet..." She hasn't done that so far. Thanks also for the private message. Your story is similar to mine but in my case, she never apologized for being so busy and inaccessible. So after reading your comments and suggestions, I am sending her a message saying that I find it too long between the times we meet, and asking her if she is still interested. If I get a "NO", then it clears up things and the story is over. I'll keep you posted. L P.S. Don't be mislead by my name 'SoGoodImWorried'. It doesn't apply to my current situation. That name was chosen a year ago as I was escaping from an abusive relationship. Things are better now, actually so much better you wouldn't believe it.

I just met this woman 2 months ago through an internet dating service. The 'system' matched us and after a few exchanges about our likes and dislikes, I asked her e-mail address so we could communicate more easily using our personal e-mail addresses. I had my picture posted and asked her to send me hers. That took a while but she eventually sent me one. After a few more exchanges, I asked her if we could meet. She agreed and we met. This was nice, I liked her, I liked her stories (she talks a lot, that's OK too), I liked her voice, her personality, etc.... I e-mailed her the next day saying how I had enjoyed meeting her and I asked her out for the weekend. She said she would like to, but a friend was visiting from out of town that weekend. Then she wrote that the next 5 weekends would not be good: she had to go to another town for work (working with some client company) for the next 2 weekends, then a visit to a cottage, then a camping trip with the family, then another weekend spent for work in another town... That was quite a shock for me! I wanted to date her, not a pen pal! Was she telling me she is not interested? But I though: if I knew her better, I could at least spend three of those weekends with her (and her friends or family). So maybe it is just bad timing (actually, I had to go to a meeting away from town myself for 5 days...) So I finally commented that I thought she was really busy! I gave her my phone number so she could call me anytime she wanted... Her reply was "We could meet after you come back from your meeting, sometime during the week". Well I'm back from my meeting, and she hasn't called me. We have exchanged e-mails during all that time (every three days on average). So yesterday I asked her out and her reply was "I am actually leaving tomorrow for the camping trip, then I leave town for work. I will be back the week of the 19th, maybe we could take in a movie or something that week?" What is happening? We had the chance to see each other again and she forgot to write/call me! Am I wasting my time here? Maybe she doesn't want a second date. Am I naive in assuming that she is honest and really that busy? She says she is interested but doesn't act that way. Why would someone do that? I have seen her only once in the last two months and I feel that I am the only one who is trying to get this relationship started! Some of you are going to say "ask her!". This is what I plan to do. I just want some advice on how I should phrase my concern in a way that won't scare her away? If anyone understands what's going on, please share your thoughts. Thanks everyone. L

Thanks muneca for your view. It's funny in a way that my gf actually told me a while ago that she was good at manipulating people without them realizing it! My gf is also the youngest in her family, and I think she might have lacked some attention... I would also want to tell her "Helloooo... you are not in high school anymore." (She is older than you are, when will she grow up?) I understand what you are saying, but it is hard to keep an objective point of view when asking myself what I like in the relationship. As for your comment lonelynshy, I guess "kicking" is literally done with the foot. She actually hits my chest with the top of her forearm and hand. I asked her not to do that unless she meant to tell me that she disagreed, or was upset or something like that because to me getting hit like that is a sign of disagreement. But instead, she uses that hitting to bring my attention to her complaints or other minor things... She does seem to hit me to get my attention, but the message I get is that she is upset. Sure maybe I am being unreasonable and too sensitive, it might just be her way of getting attention, but with all the other odd things that are happening I am getting totally confused by her behavior... Yesterday, I sent some pictures of us I took while we were together last week. I sent her the pictures via e-mail, and also a copy to her father (her parents were there last week). So what do I get for this? She gets upset and tells me: "Don't get too friendly with my dad, he will like you too much!" It's the weirdest thing, I am actually more at ease with my gf's dad, mom, sister, brother and nephews than with my own girlfriend!!!! Maybe it shows and she is jealous? I just don't get it, nothing is ever right. Maybe I'm spending too much time with her... Can you tell me, lonelynshy, what you figured out was happening between you and your ex gf? Thanks everyone for keeping me 'sane'...

It's the first time I meet someone strange like her. When I talk to her about it, she just says "that's how I am ... don't you like that about me?" What is her true personality? Is that her true personality? Maybe it's a phase and she'll change? She seems consistent in being inconsistent like that though ... Oh I'm in real trouble now! I like her and I can't stand her at the same time. I need time to think...am all confused. How can I leave?

I've spent some more time with my girlfriend and I still don't get it. You're right Scout, I tend to analyze things and I may be projecting my wrong ideas on her. But some things seem to be so strange, I wonder if somebody else (who might not be as sensitive as I am, let's say) would find her behavior questionnable. She keeps asking me "are you asking me to marry you?" when I say something that's a little nice. That's funny, but after the one millionth time it is getting to be annoying... In the last days, I asked her to stop joking about that because it wouldn't be special if I were to really ask her... This reminds me of the movie "Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind". We are a little like the characters in that movie. But I'd like to hear from someone who could explain what's going on. There was this movie playing late on TV that had some scenes with naked men. We just happen to watch some of it but it was no good. Nothing special happened until we went to bed, when she mentioned the movie and then said "I'm going to dream I'm having sex with ten men!" I just said "Yeah sure, good night". She left to go sleep in her bed, as usual... I find this behavior quite surprising. She tells me about her fantasies and then leaves me alone in that bed -- when she knows that I just hate sleeping without her. My question is, what am I getting out of this relationship? She keeps telling me how happy she is and says "I'm still not sick of you..." Maybe I AM TOO SENSITIVE but the way she says it, it's like she expects to eventually get sick of me. Anyone heard of self fulfilling prophecies? Anyone can explain what goes on in her mind when she says that? I told her that I was thinking about her all the time. She said, in an condescending tone "You can't be thinking about me all the time! What about when you are driving and looking over your shoulder before you change lanes, you can't be thinking about me then!" Why is it when I say something nice, I get a negative reaction from her? It seems that you may be right Scout, she is very lively, but maybe too much for me and other people. She bugged her old boss so much that he once told her "you can go (PROFANITY DELETED BY MODERATOR) yourself!" I'm not the only one to react like that to her behavior. When I think about it, it really looks like the story in "Eternal sunshine..." (I hope some of you saw it). What attracted me to my girlfriend (she is lively, good sense of humor, spontaneous, needs to try new things, ...) is turning into "too much of it" (too lively, the humor is offensive, she is disorganized, she gets bored easily, ...). I needed to vent... Can anyone explain what's going on? Is it me, her, or the two of us don't match?

Yeah, that's what I should do... You are right fantasia2004. The way she is acting up makes her look fairly demanding, if not abusive... and she goes beyond my boundaries without respecting them very well.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean. I am older than my siblings, and my friends are usually my age or up to 10 years younger. But I fail to see the pattern. Unless you mean that since I accept her childish behavior by accepting her, it means that I feel attracted to that? I am not. I really would like her to behave like an adult. This morning I talked to my gf about the way we discuss. I tried to explain that I just wanted her to know what I think, not that she has to agree with me. Well it didn't go smoothly. Then she sent this email "... It was nice to talk to you this morning - it was a pleasant way to wake up. Even if we have a little argument, it still feels good to talk to you (especially if I think I'm winning)..." She actually 'enjoys' having arguments! She sees discussions as a fight where she needs to win. I was reading about 'givers' vs 'takers' in a relationship. I think I am the giver here, and she is a taker. But she expects me to be a taker too. I read in another post on eNotAlone Seems like a reasonable point of view and it's making me think...

I am getting a little worried about my relationship. My girlfriend of 4 months is telling me all sorts of things I would rather not hear about and has a strange behavior. Also, when we are discussing, she can get upset easily and starts yelling. This has the effect of stopping the discussion and nothing gets resolved. Some background: we met on the internet, this is a long distance relationship. We were together for long periods of time this summer. In the last 4 months, we probably spent 25 full days together. We went on short trips, saw musicals, movies, concerts, visited each other's families and friends, ate in restaurants, had nice walks in the park, worked around the house, bicycle trips, watched videos and discussed about all sorts of things. The 300-mile distance doesn't seem to be a problem, we also talk on the phone and send email almost every day. 400 hours with her in 4 months, plus 50 hours talking on the phone, that's probably more than the average... I have feelings for her, I like her view on life, I like to spend time with her and get to learn and share what she knows about life. That's the good I'm getting out of this relationship. On the other hand... At the beginning, after a few weeks of emails, she got offended because I wrote that we were opposites because she had many relationships in the past, I had few. She then wrote that this wasn't a reason why we couldn't be together, (but I never said that there was such a reason - I was just stating an observation). Then she complained further saying that I couldn't base my theory on only a few relationships, that I would have to prove to her that what I was saying is right, etc... I never really understood why she was so upset, but I apologized and said that I didn't mean it in a bad way... Another incident happened 2 months ago when she said she would go for a walk with her ex (of 15-years ago) who is still her friend. She added that she would also do her laundry at his place. I wondered what was going on and said that I didn't like the looks of it. I asked her to stop doing that. She did, saying that if the situation was reversed, she wouldn't like me do go wash my clothes at an ex's place... But later, I wanted to know how exactly she felt about him, the discussion always turned into an argument. She kept yelling "I don't have an affair with this guy, I'm not that kind of person." This argument happened several times, but nothing was ever resolved. I suggested once to invite that friend to go see a movie with us (I wanted to meet him), but she said 'no' claiming that I wasn't ready to meet him(????). I don't think they are having an affair! You're going to tell me that I don't really trust her, otherwise I wouldn't mind her ex being her friend. That may be so, but personaly I don't remain friend with an ex with whom I have been intimate. Things get worse. A few days ago we were talking about sex and for some reason, she started describing in great detail the sex she had 15 years ago with that same ex boyfriend, giving me details why she didn't like it. I really didn't need to hear this much details - that really hurt me. I don't know why she told me that... And that doesn't help me to accept her friendship with her ex! Why is she so rude? Other things that I find strange are that she calls many people 'stupid' because of what they do ("stupid driver", "stupid boss", etc... most of the time it is not justified). She is totally disorganized and is always late (like a kid who's late to school because she hates her 'stupid school') and makes me arrive late too. She says she will not want us to sleep in the same bed until we are married because she tosses all the time (I wouldn't mind) and because it feels as if we live together (which she doesn't want to do before getting married). But this doesn't make sense to me: she agrees to have sex before marriage, so what's the big deal? She complains about many things that I should have done ("why didn't you bring me to this place before?") and kicks me while saying that (she doesn't hit hard, but I take it as a strong sign of disapproval). I have talked to her about all this, but our discussions end up with an argument! I can't even tell her my point of view - she often turns things into a joke and dismisses the whole conversation. I don't like her sense of humor when it is used to avoid resolution of an argument. It is not that I really object to these things she does (except hearing details about her ex...), but I would like her to know that I think differently without getting in an argument. She says she is trying to change, but the same things keep happening... As I keep discovering more things like that about her, I'm wondering if this doesn't hide something else about her personality... That worries me - in the long run will we be able to survive a long term relationship? I feel she is pushing me to see how much I will take. (A bit like a kid would test her parents to get the most out of them...) I would like her to respect my boundaries without arguing about it. I would like her to behave like a 41-year-old adult (not like an 8-yo daughter). What does this mean? Advice anyone?