Attar

well, i think part of the reason she's upset is that she thinks i was looking at porn all along during our relationship & keeping it a secret. i tried to tell her that wasn't the case but she doesn't believe me. it's just that she seemed to know when to catch me doing it that makes it seem worse than it is. she claims i'm an addict and won't believe otherwise. and yes, during our last fight, she did say "I'll find a guy who doesn't look at/need porn". even though the first time we had a big fight about it, she came to the realization that "all guys look at porn". her issue then was the same as now, the fact that i wasn't showing her what i was looking at. I didn't feel comfortable because she has an insecure part of her that would make her say "you wish I looked like that, that's disgusting". For example, if we saw an actress in a movie she would say "do you think she's pretty?" and I would say "yeah, I guess so" and then she would say "i look nothing like her, is that what you like?". same goes for girls we would see around town & so on. It seemed like no amount of reassurance could make her believe that I thought she was better looking, and that i was incredibly attracted to her. I wish you could see what she looks like, because it would make you see why this drove me crazy.

Well, did I mention we're broken up? I don't think there's going to be much sharing of anything from now on. I never did before, because porn was something I would turn to when the relationship was a moot point, like after one of the three or four times she dumped me, or when we got in a fight & she bombarded me with insults. I never needed to integrate it into our love life because she was/is quite the bombshell, and our sex life was great (when we were happy, that is).

Hey all, You should check my previous posts for the whole break up story & previous issues with porn that relate to this...I broke up with my gf after almost 3 years, because I felt like there wasn't enough space in the relationship to do what I wanted to do (and no, I don't mean look at porn...when we were happy in the relationship I had no use for it). It was a really hard breakup & we had to live together for a month before she moved out. She got a place in July, but mine fell through, and I ended up sleeping on the couch in our torn up apartment for a month, with tons of her stuff still there. It was a really hard & depressing period, compounded by the fact that I was getting down to the wire and hadn't found a place yet. By some miracle, a guy I had known for a while had broken up with his girlfriend, and needed a housemate. The place was really cheap for the location it was in, and the living situation was great. My ex and I were getting along a lot better too, and I felt like things were finally turning around for me. Then last night, she showed up unexpectedly as I was looking at porn, which I figured I was free to do at this point (see my other posts, this will sound really familiar). I was really stressed and hadn't, uh, yanked it in a week or so, so i figured it would be a good way to release some tension, not thinking she would show up & not knock before she came in. I really think she has a sixth sense about it or something, because she's caught me three times. I tried to hide it from her (not very well), because I was happy to see her and knew it would ruin everything. But of course she found out, and flipped out on me again. She wanted desperately to see what I was looking at, and threatened to start breaking stuff unless I showed her, but I felt (as I did in the past when she caught me) that it was my business and mine alone, so I unplugged the computer . She started telling me how much she hated me, how I had an addiction, how she hoped my d*ck would fall off, how she hoped I was happy with my 2 dimensional woman, cause that was all I was ever going to get, etc. I tried to talk to her rationally and say it was just a stimulus, like a vibrator (which she has a couple of), but she didn't want to hear it. She left after a few more curses, and I felt like complete crap. I ended up Googling "guilty about porn" & stuff like that, and read a bunch of things about how people need to figure out what should be private & what's not IF THEY'RE MARRIED, but I couldn't find anything like my situation, probably because if you're broken up, it really shouldn't be an issue. So I called today and left a message saying I was sorry it happened, and that I didn't want her to hate me, because I do value her friendship. She's the only person that helped me celebrate my birthday last month, or even knew that it WAS my birthday, and if it wasn't for her it would have been one of the more depressing days of my life. So she showed up earlier tonight, and immediately started grabbing stuff that belonged to her, and basically repeated herself from the previous night, adding that she was upset that I didn't try to call her last night after she left. I said "Well, when someone says they hate me, I usually take their word for it". Actually I don't think anyone has ever hated me, and it broke my heart to hear it, because I really did care for her. But as she continued to insult me I couldn't believe some of the things she said; belittling my penis size (which either meant she was lying to me the whole time we were together, or it was just to try and hurt me) , telling me how she's been on dates already (when I said "oh, so you lied about that too", she said "I don't have to tell you anything"), called me a porn addict and said she felt like I had been compulsively watching porn for the span of our relationship (not true), and so on, how much she hates me, that I was the worst boyfriend she ever had, you get the idea. I repeatedly tried to tell her how insignificant the porn was, that it was the male equivalent of a vibrator, but she said she wanted to see it for herself, because in her mind it was getting worse & worse, even though I described to her what it was I was watching. That was this BIG ISSUE, that she didn't know precisely what it was, and the fact that I didn't want to show her made it a million times worse in her mind. I felt (and still feel) that it was none of her business, and I asked if she only ever thought about me when she used her vibrator, to which she replied "no way, not since we broke up" (another jab). I said that I hoped she could forgive me & that I only wished her the best, and she said basically that she wished herself the best too. The thing that really kills me is that she said she wasted almost three years of her life on me. How could anyone say that to someone they spent that long with? Over something like this? So, spare me the "what are you doing" comments; I know she's being out of control hateful about this, but she's also the closest (almost only friend I have around here. We've had lots of fun together, and I was really hoping we could transition out of this failing relationship into a lasting friendship, but I guess that's down the drain. I feel completely alone, and was fairly suicidal about an hour ago, but I've calmed down enough to type this, and I'm feeling better as I do. I just wish we could be friends and respect each other, but it doesn't look like that will happen. Although I said that last time, and we ended up being friends again (though the porn thing did come up from time to time and spoiled what fun we were having). I guess I don't know what I want to hear, everything seems so hopeless. Is it wrong of me to not want to share with her what I was looking at? I feel like it's a private thing that has nothing to do with reality, and I didn't want her to see it and be like "I don't look like that", and so on, because it doesn't matter to me, it's not real. She can't seem to understand that i wouldn't want to share it, and says it's my dirty secret, and good riddance to me. I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest, thanks for listening. And "Jill", if you're reading this, I really hope we can someday be friends and put all this stuff behind us. Life is too short, and me looking at stupid porn for a quick fix doesn't negate everything I've ever done or felt for you. Thanks for listening, and sorry for being long winded...

Well, thanks for all the responses....as far as someguy_282's comments - love is irrational, and I did love her, and still do think she's a good person at heart. she's done a lot during our time together to help me, and i am grateful and indebted to her for that. yes, i realize she acted horribly; from her perspective, i made her act crazy, and this is the most screwed up relationship she's ever been in. she's never acted this way with anyone else. i'm not trying to justify her behavior, just telling it from her side. moving out is not an option yet...i have a place lined up for july 15th (our anniversary, ironically enough), but she wants me out before then. my dad lives on the other side of the state, and i can't afford to miss work. the few friends i have live in small apartments, and it's unlikely i could store my stuff there, even if i could couch surf for a little while. that said, i wouldn't mind a female perspective on this; i've noticed everyone who's responded are guys...

Well, we've reconciled a bunch of times (she's broken up with me maybe 4 times or so). It doesn't seem like it's going to happen again, she says I'm a liar, and she's devastated because she said she was coming home because she missed me. But, no, we weren't together any of the times she's caught me looking at it; I think it's a messed up way i have of escaping from the situation. I guess I should have learned last time that it doesn't work, but I guess I'm an idiot...

So...maybe some of you read my last post, but in a nutshell, I got caught looking at porn after breaking up with my girlfriend (whom I live with), and it was a devastating blow to her & to me as well (she hit me & insulted me). Maybe you should read the other post before reading this, for a little background: link removed Anyway, despite all the advice everyone gave me to leave & not look back, I couldn't do it. We have (had) this really powerful bond & I still wanted to be with her, despite her hitting me. So we got back together, she forgave me, and was really extra sweet to me, but suddenly I found myself taking it for granted. I guess I felt like if this was as good as it was going to get, that I should feel happier than I did, and it almost felt forced to me, like she was trying so hard to make it work, and that it shouldn't be that hard (she later said this wasn't the case). We got in a fight after going to a bar one night, because I wanted to go have a cigarette & she wanted me to wait so she could come with me, even though she had come back from having one 5 minutes previous. I guess I felt like I was on a leash or something, and that it shouldn't be that big a deal. She said she thought that was ridiculous & that any boyfriend would wait. She said that I probably just didn't want a girlfriend and I said well no, not if it means that my every action is under a microscope...so in the end I broke up with her. I was really upset & cried for hours, but she just seemed like she was in shock. She made me promise not to look at pron while we were still living together & I said ok. A day or two later she came home drunk and was acting really snotty to me, locked me out when I went to have a cigarette, etc. I said "do you have something to say to me?" and she laid into me, saying how f@#$'d up I was, how I'd never be happy with anyone, how I was a loser, how she was so sick of my mental problems & my therapy, and how everyone she talked to that we knew said she could do better. Then a couple nights later she came home drunk again, and said "so, your co-worker told me some stuff you said - you told her our breakup was mutual?!!" I said I didn't (true), but she didn't believe me & said how guys were all over her that night & she was going to do whatever it took to make herself feel better. We ended up talking until dawn, which was basically her trying to tear me down & make me feel like crap. She said she NEVER wanted to be my friend, ever, and things like that, and that she hoped I was cursed, would never be happy, had bad stuff coming to me, etc. By the end of it I was near suicide. The next day was horrible; I cried pretty much all day until she came home. We ended up sitting on the porch together & later ordered Indian food & watched a movie. It felt great to both of us & once again there seemed to be a seed of hope. The next day she called me from work to see how I was, and that felt good too. She went out that night & I started thinking about the guys she said were interested in her, and felt really jealous. At 3:30 am or so she called & said she wasn't coming home cause she didn't want to drive. After I hung up I started getting really paranoid that she was making out with some guy, and I felt alone & devastated. So, forgetting about my promise & looking for escape, I started watching a porn movie...sure enough, she pulled into the driveway moments later, and I had to turn it off. Long story short, she found out, and we got in another fight. She hit me repeatedly and tore my clothes, tried to smash my laptop, etc. I threatened to call the cops & she said if I did, she would say I was hitting her. The verbal abuse went on all night again, and I couldn't get away from it cause she stayed in the living room where I've been sleeping and continued berating me. I feel horrible about breaking my promise to her, and about the hurt I've caused her, especially when I already knew how devastated she would be if she found out about the porn. But I went ahead and did it anyway, and I'm ashamed. I know she had no right to treat me the way she did, but I understand why she feels betrayed. I'm just really sad because I've tainted the whole thing, and now it's hard to even remember the good times we had because of the way it ended. Now (of course) all I can think is that i wish i was back in time before any of this happened, and snuggling in bed with her, watching a movie. I feel like I lost my best friend. Which I guess I did. Sorry about the length of this post, but it felt really good to get it all out. If anyone has anything (esp. positive, i need it) to say, feel free... Thanks for listening Attar

wow, thanks for all the replies, it really helps to hear other peoples opinions on the situation. she's coming by soon to "talk" with me, hope it's actually talking and not another insult/screaming match where she tries to take away what little self esteem i have left... ugh...worst breakup i've ever had... thanks again!

oh, yeah, forgot to mention she said she was going to tell everyone we know about how i'm a "porn freak". we work in the same building, so this is going to make my life suck. a lot. she said it was as bad as cheating on her(which i totally disagreed with) just thought i'd give you guys some more reasons why i'm in hell right now.

well, these two times are the only times she's laid a finger on me, so i can't really say she's abusive as a rule, but yeah. i know it's not a good thing, and i was angry, surprised, and hurt. i know i didn't deserve that kind of treatment. with that said, i don't plan on staying and neither does she. it's definitely over. but can someone help me understand why i felt the impulse to look at porn at a time when i was grieving? i think this is the thing that hurt her the most; she took it as if i was completely nonplussed about the breakup and couldn't wait to look at some t&a, but i know that wasn't what was going through my mind. i was truly upset and depressed both times. anybody?

hi, this is my first post here,seems like a lot of helpful people out there, so here goes...sorry about the length, but i have a lot on my mind. i've been going out with my now ex-girlfriend for close to three years, and things have never been easy for us. we got in terrible fights that i think took a toll on our relationship. she always expected things from me that i had no idea about, and then would get really upset when they didn't happen...the list goes on and on, but then again, so does the list of good things we had together. i've never been in a relationship that was so topsy-turvy. we've broken up & gotten back together about 3 or 4 times- the breakup fights would have us yelling things like "F*** OFF, GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!!" at each other, then we'd get back together and everything was supposed to be hearts & flowers. i had a hard time dealing with this dynamic. the last time we broke up, she had gone to bed, and i was in my den, and had the notion to look at some online porn. i'm not a habitual porn viewer, and i'm not sure why i felt like it right then, but i did it anyway. it was pretty lame and unexciting. then she walked in! i quickly switched to something else, but she kept wanting to know what i was doing. i tried unsucessfully to make her leave the room, then finally i told her. she completely flipped out, hitting me and crying hysterically. i felt horrible. she went around the house and tore down all the decorations we had hung up, and basically verbally berated me until i felt like garbage. she swore she would never forgive me, or forget what i did. so we eventually got back together, and long story short, broke up again this morning (on the way to work). AND THEN THE SAME THING HAPPENED AGAIN. she came home unexpectedly tonight (her note said she'd be out all night), and the same events occurred again, though the hitting was more rough this time. my thumb is sprained or something. i didn't do anything but try to hold her off, but she was incredibly P.O.'d. so now she says she can't believe anything i say, can never trust me even as a friend, and wants me out by the end of the month. i am in a personal hell. the thing that hurts the most is seeing the pain i caused her. she's not one to cry easily, but the 2 times this has happened have caused her so much grief, i feel like i don't know what. scum. any advice for me? i think the relationship is beyond repair, but i never stopped loving her as a person, even if we aren't meant to be a couple. i just can't stand the thought that i am so low in her eyes. am i that bad? help me!