silentalways

i guess i should head back home and make a supper before going to my losercocainejunkiebedghead class [you can catch my act every Monday between 6:30 to 8:00 in the Rideauwood Starlight Lounge] damn, just remembered, before i go, i wanted to delete those dating profiles i put up last week on Lava and Fish i think i prefer meeting in person see ya soon everyone merry blissmas

gotta go cold shower time jebus - that was kinda kewl [the little excitable emotional rush u get when --- nevermind - lol

i think it is impossible to not have that emotion if anyone ever tells u that they are not a jealous person - they are right THEY ARE LIARS! lol and it is a rush - blood pressure 0 - 60 i plan on staying with someone i love forever - then everyone will be jealous of US that was corny - sorry

if my ex remember correctly, i used to repeat the same thing over and over again. like ask her out for dinner and she would say 'let me check and see if i have my girls booze night that night and i'll get back to ya" and i'd phone 15 minutes later - so what's the call? silly eh? one thing i have learned from her [she really beat the crap out of me to make sure it was in the noodle nice and tight] lol [i let her do that because she promised if she hurt me too much and sent me to the hospital that she would consider doing the deed! and i said - consider? no way - i'll make u a FIRM offer right now omg - gross [i never make these sex jokes - sorry] anyhooo - the one thing about being honest is that when u just keep being honest a funny thing happens - when something happens where before u might have tainted the truth [the lie pause] now u don't - i've learned that honesty comes natural once the brain is reprogramed and its actually lying that makes u [pause] so speaking of honesty - i just wanted to mention this, a concern of mine, and i would like yer opinion - one of the ways i have relearned to not repeat past mistakes is this when a mistake happens break it down how, what, where, because they usuallyh have patterns and triggers postiing and computers i really need a break from - it feels like 132 year behind a computer and that was the actual enabler for my little blow out - no computer now at home - m and d have it and when u are reintroducing each other to each other again - its important to show each other changes and respect right away and u 'show' them in ways that works for them for example - i decided to take the ex to the sens / leafs game and toronto got pounded 8 to 1 and neither of us got p[issed off - lol

jebus, everyone is thinking they smell a rat! u know what, its not that hard to figure out if and when people are lying there are body language signs that are impossible to cover up some people blush and its a proven fact that people that lie - both eye automatically shift briefly away from you

speaking of respect, i would like to post this comment and i hope i get some responses but i am only looking for one specific comment [wink] - so i will compose it as talking directly to this person hi, not sure if u are online right now but just wanted to say that is it just me or did we really have this many issues when we were together? and i don't mean the crazy time - u know at the start? i seem to remember things as us telling each other our dealbreakers and moving on - funny how time changes things eh i can't stay online fer very long because in a little bit i have my first reintroduction class at rideauwood [i really had to push to jump the que of 40 but i told them its really important as i might have a gf again and its important for her to know and see that i am doing things - not just saying them] have u ever been there? probably not eh? i meant for yer work? would you think about something, no quick decision, but personally i've spent the last 400 years on a freaking computer, and would rather we skip this part and maybe meet and do the face to face - we could have lunch at mottttti makakakakahal on saturday - just an idea - no pressure ok, gotta get going, i'll check in later - man, nice to 'see' ya - feels great eh

first of all i would like to tell everyone that ever went thru a rough breakup that i truly feel for their grief and hurt. its hard enough when an ex hurts us and then we hurt ourselves as well - what i mean is say someone hurts you by doing something that makes u end things - so, u get hurt twice - leaving something u didn't want to and another time by whatever hurt u personally, there is a this special woman - i love her deeply and i have trust issues just like she does but hers are probably much more difficult to deal with lets say somehow u both know u would and want to try again but nc was in place, a long period of time had passed - so its not just getting back its getting to know all over again really - things happen fast in life, it can turn on a dime [look what i went thru in 3 weeks] so the first thing is u need to decide what it is u actually want, and then get off the computer and start building trust and the best way to do that is GIVE WHAT U GET so lets say my ex says i would be with u right now buty there are 789 issues i have that are blocking me so, we would need to write the list, discuss what she needs to remove that off the list and have a timetable so we don't slack off so just there is the start of trust now, i turn and say to her we can figure things out - it look tough now but working together will get it done - did u want to tell or talk about any of them now? and then we tells me and i listen and we make a list and leave it for now so we can think of things and grab a triple triple and i hope u caught in this little post what i needed for trust i would think the first thing u bothe lets say - one day u both find yourself on a forum site, start building up, th know and i would love to go therapy with her. and i know she has some concerns regarding trust we both love each other and she can say that and include but i have trust issues and that doesn't make me mad and say something stupid like i would have in the past like 'well, if u really loved me you would just trust me' so, previously i was not only not listening what she was actually saying, but taking one issues she has and giving her another and switching the focus to MEMEMEMEMEMEME now i would say u know what? after what we went thru i don't blame ya - i have some trust issues to - how about we work on a plan to solve that together? i have a few ideas and i would love to hear yers and what issues we need to tackle and she says i do loves me but i don't want things that happened in the past to happen again and get hurt and i say lets get cracking on that list but u know what? before u even tackle that i would suggest that a couple that has been thru a rough period needs to leave it alone for a bit and just do some things where there is no stress and stuff and just rekindle things a bit but most importantly u have to know what u want, what the other wants for example: say i want to be in a real relationship with her - u know marriage and she wants to just date and see how it goes so, obviously we date and last, before u can do any of these things u have to take that first step, each one is trust for example - u get off these web sites and back into the real world by saying ok lets take it slow at first, say we set aside a couple nights a week just to do stuff then after that we talk any comments?

personally, i love this woman i know and i would love to go therapy with her. and i know she has some concerns regarding trust we both love each other and she can say that and include but i have trust issues and that doesn't make me mad and say something stupid like i would have in the past like 'well, if u really loved me you would just trust me' so, previously i was not only not listening what she was actually saying, but taking one issues she has and giving her another and switching the focus to MEMEMEMEMEMEME now i would say u know what? after what we went thru i don't blame ya - i have some trust issues to - how about we work on a plan to solve that together? i have a few ideas and i would love to hear yers and what issues we need to tackle and she says i do loves me but i don't want things that happened in the past to happen again and get hurt and i say lets get cracking on that list but u know what? before u even tackle that i would suggest that a couple that has been thru a rough period needs to leave it alone for a bit and just do some things where there is no stress and stuff and just rekindle things a bit but most importantly u have to know what u want, what the other wants for example: say i want to be in a real relationship with her - u know marriage and she wants to just date and see how it goes so, obviously we date and last, before u can do any of these things u have to take that first step, each one is trust for example - u get off these web sites and back into the real world by saying ok lets take it slow at first, say we set aside a couple nights a week just to do stuff then after that we talk any comments?

u know what? i know if my ex walking up to me right now i would die to hug her but i would play it kewl its kinda weird because after all this, i feel inside like i did at the start no over thinking no uncontrol emotional need to release hurt or anything because the work is done i understand what i needed hey, i was there - i know what happened and the issues are really things that we worked on before the past is the past we both know that we did enuff of that last time we saw each other was opening day at school and we were both sneaking glaces over at each other when we did that at the same time we both looked away but i lingered longer keeping my head she lowered hers and it was just nice to see her gawd - this woman really took a chunk out of me but did show with purpose how in the world could i think that's bad see, now i am able to LIVE without her the desire to be with her is still there and all those dreams and desires but the difference is it will not impact me like it did before i guess u can say i grew up, learned to actually see what each of us are and were doing and i am calmer in mind body and spirit so, one day i will see her after all i did buy concert tickets tonite if i never see her buy time the show starts [after x-mas] i can find a date anyways, if i do see her there is one thing i really must see the first black and white pictuire of her ok home james

just wanted to say that chris saw the absolute entirity of who i am as a person - every single part of me was revealed - and my memory is pretty clear about things like snap shot emotions, rather than details i have seen her love at me with such love in her eyes sometimes for the tiniest of things and it freezes like a polaroid in my mind i have seen the look on her face expressing such sadness to have been away and then coming to see me at my worse - i will never forget that look it was omg he is so tortured - she didn't stay long then i remember once where each visit and departure was pure hell and i didn't want to do it but she is a part of me [come what may - i might never see her again but she will live inside] i remember seeing her drive up and i had know she was coming and for days i stayed up because i had to be exhausted in order to not let her coming and going knowing she isn't coming back and letting her see me get sicker as she would look healthier being away from me knowing she is better without me is truly painful there is northing in my life experience that matches the intensity of what i had with her and its impact on me - nothing i was married for 17 years - got over that in two months this is over a year and came as dangerously close to the dark side as one can get and return intact i will never go back there because own the road map now but when i talk about her and the things i feel people think i am crazy - that no-one loves that deep without it being mental and laugh i had the best of that kinda thing anyways - i recognize what my tasks are and stopping to think i am on a site chatting with her is one of them but i know that thinking that may be a temp set back, not a decline back to the mudbowl crap, 6:30 i am bagged - take the morning off = get some sleep work in the aft see ya ever

here is a little bit of advice to help people lets say he has already told u he wants to marry u and will that's a big commitment and sign of love right? now lets say he asks you to help him putting away the dishes after supper and u say, i didn't that on the weekend you do it yerself - not sure how that in any way translates to the man's security in his choice of partners just a thought

thanks. i was already pissed at sliding back. see, i absolutely hate the fact that people will simply not help others with things that take 5 seconds of their time - it destroys my BELIEF in them i have already reached out to people and each time i get stabbed and treated like a kid when they have no flipping idea what i have gone thru see, its easy to file a report and take someone's child away from them because it doesn't effect them - they get to wash their hands of it i have already deleted these people from my life and once i get over his hump i will do what i always have done - met good support people and KEEP them in my heart and life. i know what i HAVE to do and WHAT WILL HAPPEN but i also know if i have gone thru all this, and i have reached out for say a 5 second hello and they say GET LOST - how in the world would i build TRUST, RESPECT for this person - FRIENDS HELP FRIENDS people don't get it oh well, when i get thru this and i am moving mountains i know who i will and will not include - and frankly that would mean nothing to them anyways. if u have read some of my posts you would understand i had one guy, who actually physically assaults his wife make the decision that I AM THE DANGEROUS one - and i walked over to his house and told him to never speak to me again people just don't get it because its not happening to them - too many selfish people in this world that feel they are the only ones that know what works and what doesn't nevermind

really? i have always found meeting and talking with people easy - i am a blabber i have just isolated myself recently to not be distracted from work i am doing but now i need a balance - just one piece to fit and then i free of that freaking lock on me - u know when u are so close to really seeing that your work is paying off - and i stall - i hate that. i do way better when momentum is built especially with the monster issues i have - i can't stand still on these ones - not an option so i am scarfices some things in order to get that done because i know the payoff so think of things in that way - hope that helps

i just checked online at a club called barrymore's and there is an amazing band that i do not want to miss but i don't want to go alone [does anyone? lol] i wonder if the ex would like a ticket as a christmas present? i have no idea. my question is do i buy 2 just in case, is there something really more delusional then that? suggestions? i'm online with ticketmaster, finger twitching. lol January 2007 date event location Wed. Jan 17 Barrymore's Ottawa, ON When the Angels Make Contact tour with special guest, Museum Pieces. Tickets on sale Dec 1 (noon) at End Hits, at the Barrymore's Box office, through all Ticketmaster locations, by phoning (613) 755-1111 and online. Doors at 8PM / 19+ Buy Tickets Online

hi there again [lol] i just wanted to leave a note just in case [i know, i know - just go will yah] i have really looked at every issue and problem that has reared its ugly head and i am extremely proud of the fact that even though i have been thru a ton of stuff [and recognize if i have felt this way my ex would as well] - there is a huge difference now because i WILL NOT BE THE WHACKED, WHINING, INSECURE, LOSER, PENIS HEAD BOI EVER AGAIN and i have set up things and an action plan to ensure i get over that first little hump - then its gravy time all this to say simply, and directed to my ex CAG you know i will always love u you know i believe u do love me you know my situation - i cannot contact u because of reports i would love to see you again, i miss u you know that i have told u all u have to do is BELIEVE and that's it you know that i had hoped to marry you and for us to live together you know that if we ever do met again - we do not discuss the past just relax, chillax then have sex [teasin] we would simply return to the common-sense people we were - and that means, simply there is no need to think of expectations - i think after going thru what we did - its time to give each a break and stop hurting you know that i there is no pressure to met and as much as going home right now and hearing yer voice on my answering machine would make all the diff, i know i am probably taking to ghosts in my head again so - i am stopping i want you to realize how far we have come, we already did the hard stuff, now the reward is u and i sharing a triple triple and maybe some night just checking out a band or concert u know where i live - i have no idea where u do u have my phone number - i have no idea what yers is u probably have email and home comp - i have neither i have no idea if u even bought a house - lol if yes, you looking for a roomie? wink and last but not least - if you do not want any of these things - that's ok - but i am moving forward and u know how much time we lost already - anyhooooooooooo hugs and kisses so, i think that should be clear enuff, everyone agree?

i believe their was a post earlier about space and identity issues earlier. i can tell that every single thing that was an issue or problem in my last relationship is know longer a problem - I only have one problem - SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN ME and avoids me. Its really funny because I am zillion percent sure that when her and i actually met we will discover not only did we worry needlessly, that we, just like the past, usaully agree on what is needed....I do know that, I can't keep posting on places like this and 'think' I am talking with an ex that is probably not hear - that is dangerous - so i sort of am in an extremely tricky spot. does that makes sense?

I will not burden everyone with details about what happened during my relationship, and would like to focus on what the use of NC by my ex gf has basically done to me, my family, my health and my overall life. The one biggest determinant factor I feel people should do when deciding to use NC is to really think about why you are doing that, weight and measure the benefits and negatives, the success of it providing you with the outcome desired [i have never heard of two people deciding to do this together, it is usually a forced action from one onto the other and one must seriously consider the state of affairs through the relationship, how it ended and health issues of both people. If you do not do these things, you should re-examine why you did not]. My case is a great example of the utter harm and destruction that can occur when someone forces NC on someone that is not well, and that is still IN LOVE with the other person and has experienced a change in his behaviour due to circumstances both accountable and not accountable to that person and how the awareness of that, what it breds incunjunction with silence and mean rebuttal and can truly cause great harm. See anyone can break a heart. Its not that hard, you just have to fake it. Anyone can tear a love apart. It take a strong will to survive that and still hold on to that Love. Anyone can get addicted. Its just like a religion. And anyone can look at themselves in the mirror and see suicide. It takes courage and grace to not choose that option and still try and mend fences. Have you ever just been walking through a life thinking things are pretty good, great exactly and that they will never change and you feel lucky and blessed. You walk as tall as skyscrapers, but building look ok in sunlight but ugly during rain storms. Say you were captured by a honeysuckle siren singing in yer ear and when you rest your head to sleep next to them you hope the night passes quicky so 7you can wake up to hear her gentlke refrain again. What if someone that has you in rapture, and you have it tucked away and enjoying that with a balance and then suddenly and without explaination that is removed from you. It takes a huge chunk out of you. And its tragic and the meltdown is intense. And it can really hurt you in many ways like walking with a friend and them telling you what a beautiful red sky there is today and you look up and see it as blue. Anyone can claim a memory of an event and own it for them self and not share it and not care if it is true or false. They are free to dress it up in style, take it out for a night on the town at the expense of someone else. Its like locking someone in the truck of a car and walking away while they screem LET ME OUT

ok, i think everyone will get a chuckle out of this i consider myself a pretty decent looking guy, and when i am in shape and taking care of myself it shows in my walk and talk and attitude and i am much more relaxed, understand and ki take pride in knowing that i am attractive to my patrner - i want her to also see me as a burning hunk of chunk of love - that's normal now, when my ex left me 3 years ago, her lasting impression of me was 7 months of stinky body, bad breathe, rubbered skin, bathrobe wearing, egg salad tooting man anyone turned on yet? of course not and there is the very reason i was 'popping u' occasionaly so she could see me in actual street clothes and looking good because when u are not talking u gotta work the visual man i have gone thru a low point but i am commited to a certain path and life and lifestyle. hence, registering at good life gym this weekend, getting out and getting fresh air, i would like to quit smoking and would prefer dating non-smokers, so, don't blame the ex if she is currently not 'turned on' - maybe the image she has right now is not so flatteringt the image i have of her is her in comfies, blowdrying her hair forever and hairy legs and eating some ice cream - that's sexy too ya know - lol ok...i have to go and get some sleep - workies comes early thank u everyone for ignoring my many posts today - lol nite

Of Course She Could Do That Silly She Has Made The Decision Not To She Probably Does Want To Most People Enjoy Things When They Want To, Don't Worry Or Fear Anything Maybe She Is Just Not A Phone Person I Prefer Face To Face So Maybe She's That Wayt To I Kinda Get Bored On The Phone And If She Hadn't Spoken With Me In A While, It Probably Would Help To Just Call When She Knows I Am Not There And Leave A Message Then Guess What Ball;s Backl In My Court Crap - Delete This Post

its kinda funny because during my journey i've had to read and learn about all sorts of things - medical wise that i never knew PTSD, BP, etc. and because there are so many things associated with my behaviour over the while people are told me that i range from NARCS, to Bi Pol, everything and its really not that complex i simply had poor cognitive skills [to see and kill those nasty guilt germs], learned behaviours [lies] that removed self-worth any inability to understand that saying words [courage, trust, honesty] and saying u believe in them and understand the impotrance of them doesn't mean u are actuallly doing them add in male vanity as u age, the desire to allow be with a woman that never loses fer belief in me in every way [HONEY, TONIGHT I WOULD LIKE 5 ORGASMS AND I BELIEVE WE CAN DO IT - LOL] throw in unsolved mysteries [past marriage], accepted and acknowledge destruction of the best relationship i ever had, depression and addictions and what resulted from that well, thats a ton - and that's all it is - i know that and am remove the crap ITS EASY ONCE TO GO THRU HELL FIRST!

ahhhh, just as one person exits the misery land another enters the circle of life whatever u don't read posts where woman put down men - u are fragile right now and u need positive stuff not that sort of stuff hang in there

well, i am really only doing this tonight because i need to simply let it move out from my thoughts onto the page and it is released - i am at that stage. what was holding me back was my desire to tell all these things to my ex directly - face to face - that's how it is supposed to be done - but sometimes we don't do the right thing [raises hand] i guess what i am really saying thru all this verbal pukefest is that i am done - i do not want to have to discuss this in the manner where i am really simply conversing with myself. previously the realization i was doing that, needing that, made me feel gross and pathetic - in order words, still hard work left to do - now the emotion is not attached to these things, and frankly, i would rather do anything other than this - i have no desire, as i once did, to know and detail everything and with the ex because NC helped me focus what I needed not what I needed to give her or get from her so, if i was to hear from my ex [and she broke up so she calls - i love the idea of rules and boundaries now - makes life easier] i would be able to easily talk, meet - whetever, without any emtional baggage, with the skills i've now learned for myself, and without any expectations and would look forward to that simply because i miss her - she's kewl so, i am not 'thinking' she'll do anything - the facts i do know, where she has identify her possition and validated her identity clearly states she avoids me at all cost so, if i feel like dating, whatever, i will just do it because i am single and she knows me - i am really not complicated when it comes to things like that...when we met i knew what i wanted, when i went after it and when it did the same - equality and it is obvious to those who know me and from reading my posts, my life is better and healthier when i am WITH SOMEONE and if u wanna classify that as co-dependent go ahead works for me [i live my life - not influenced by someone that can't separate their opinion from believing everyone else MUST be the same way anyhoooo, i want to thank everyone for putting up with all this today - ik believe i have now run out of things to discuss relating to ME ME ME so, no more BOOBOOO bananas from the past MERRY BLISS MISS All lol

i hope i am not boring people with all my posts in here. i just wanted to add another storyline to the 'is he/she into....etc. i mentioned already about the power of BELIEVING in someone - and how that translates not just for the man but the woman to.....if a MAN tells you that is all he needs from you - there is really no greater compliment a woman can received because what he is saying is really I BELIEVE IN YOU [its that flow / connection /natural thang where you don't have to break it down into details as to WHY that is - it just is! now, in my case, its pretty freaking obvious which side of the street i am on - and its not a one - way - traffic goes in both directions - just like in a relationship where sometimes one drive this way and the other drive that way but they are both still on the same street driving and that's all that matters. sites like these have had pros and cons for me because while they have helped me thru things they also contributed to my delusional state because i would read a post and read into things like if someone used a by-line SILENCE IS GOLDEN [silence = the ex / golden = me moniker] and then i would read things that could be addressed for me - but u start doing that when your mind has already been bruised and your faith and hope ruined and i would talk to someone about saying....yes, i know, there is nothing in there that could actually prove what i am saying, i am only going on feeling - and the more i saw things that 'looked' like, i had to fight off the desire to not believe these were related to her, because if they were, it was only more punishing to me - more torture thinking here i am 'talking' with her, but if it is, then the fact, this is the best i can do? i've hurt her that bad? and if not, then, i'm an idiot - and the continued NC made me spin in circles - all the while i was doing the work to get rid of the crap that destroy the relationship, and missing work, neglect myself and everyone, because i know, have always know that this is the key - all i need, to hear her say I BELIEVE WHAT U ARE SAYING because thats why she left - I WAS NO LONGER SOMEONE SHE TRUSTED and i couldn't live with that - it is the enabler of everything else - i lose that monkey and the rest fall safely in pieces all around me. but i also am leaving with the knowledge of what i know as fact, her 'seen' actions - any 'real attempt' at contact has resulted in serious events - given presents mean calls to police, apolgizes top daughter for making her feel frighten during my depression mean calls to the school, just showing up someqwhere that she is raises suspesion in her, i have seen the text in the court order - and which each blow i lose more of myself, and then start doing what i know will only help me in terms of releasing sorrow, so i reach out, ask for just something with no strings attached, just a sign of caring and belief, and of course nothing comes because she probably never sees these things and i internalize that pain while examining the ways i hurt her and finding solutions to rid myself of bad learned behaviours, while everything all around me is choas, friends calling police, etc. and it gets to the point where it became her hating me so much to want to never contact me and fear and hate me that i believe i am the danger, i am the one everyone needs out of their life so because i love them, and my existence is hurting them - i must remove myself without actually removing myself - and when u are that hurt and gone u don't see and understand that the RIGHT answer to that is GET THE BACK ON TRACK - BE THE MAN U WERE BUT BETTER - but when u have lost your moral and ethica compass and desrepect A REAL TRUE LOVE you can't ask them for anything and the pain builds up until u know inside all you need is to lay down beside them, hearing them breathe, just the comfort that connection shown simply with caring gives - and u think i am not even worth that. BUT then u realize they did NC so they can and i can do the work we couldn't do together and not for getting back but to get better - and that is a sign of LOVE and CARING and you slowly crawl back

congrats. nice. i've been on hear to workm things out too [feels like i am talking to myself tho - i don't mind - whatever works] plus, when i was staying at home ki was doing other things that set me back - so being in a public place removes that - wink

wow. traveling somewhere right now would be great - unfortunately i have already used out any leave i have from work for the next 10 years! actually my boss is great - she's covered my butt at work! my only big ticket decision is home. i have officially sold my house [and only did so because i can't live a normal life in that place anymore - way too many bad vibes even after a voo-doo doc did the cleaning ritual! same bad vibe - so i didn't want to live like that - so, mr. proactive [lol], got the house ready [took a week] it sold in one day, first people that came, even got the asking price - and was so relieved until i remembered - oh yah, now where do i sleep? i will tell u this - i am tired of not taking care of myself so i want a huge MFO master bedroom with the walkin you know, big kitchen, no more cottage life and i would love to have someone come do the house hunting with me - you know, another set of eyes, and opinion on whats good 0- sometimes i think things like 'oh the couch will never fit there!' and that's about it boring eh oh - if anyone wants to do that with me - all spring for the triple triple [lol] - just send a message, and i'll flip my cell phone number over yes, i know, i really do have a cell phone i'm not dellusional [lol] - right now anyways btw, not that anyone cares but i really don't have a comp at home anymore - i am in a swanky internet cafe with bagel,coffee, and copy of shakies sonnets wooo hoo! eh good gawd