IIanybodyII

I called the 911, which was the point at which they tried to jump me. I had seen a police officer not even 5 minutes before this whole altercation happened. He was down the street talking with someone. Which disgusts me, because after the 911 operator hung up on me, right in the middle of what I was trying to tell her, it took the cops over 30 minutes to arrive. Which isnt a surprise because they have never helped me at any other time in my life when I needed them to protect and serve.

I have never posted on a forum before, so this is pretty new for me. I feel the need to put what I am thinking out somewhere, maybe for one person to read and interpert as they might. I am a failure. As redundant as it sounds, thats the only way I can describe myself. I wish to write and insightful, elegant post about the myriad problems in my life, but though I spend my entire day inside my head with minimal human contact, when it comes time to voice my thoughts, I become a blank slate. Today I had a run in in my neighborhood. I was just walking around, when two "gangsters" for lack of a better word, sprayed me in the face with a fire extinguisher, then proceeded to try and jump me. The only thing that saved me was that I tried to stab one of them in the stomach. Its embarrassing, and made me feel weak. I couldnt, and didnt do anything about it. Its a cycle. Just earlier today I was coming around to the conclusion that maybe I should stop believing that life is against me, and maybe I have a chance to do something with myself. Then this happened. In a long list of bad events to happen to me, it doesnt seem like much, but it completely crushes me inside. I feel like a weak, worthless person, not even able to defend myself. These are the things that happen constantly. Anytime I try to stand up for myself, or try to demand respect, or just even act like I'm a normal human being, there is always another bully to "put me in my place". There is always some event to remind me of the fact I am never meant to succeed. My life is a joke it seems. I am smart, I have alot of talents, but none of it matters. People ignore my ideas, and then plagerize me and claim credit for anything I have said, done, dreamnt up. I get ridiculed. I get ignored. Even by the very few people that are supposedly my friends. I am a social outcast, and thoug I know there are others like me, I feel like I am completely alone. I have a girlfriend who cheats on me, and yet always seduces me with her sweet talk into believing against truth that she loves me. Its pathetic, because she knows that I am so in need of someone showing me some kind of human affection she uses it against me. I cant leave because I have nowhere to go. I cant get a job because I twisted my spine working for my mother's boyfriend, who then conned me out of my workman's comp. The last time I spoke to my mother she told me I was a piece of ***, and to never call her again. I try so hard to live my life and not give in. I cant see any reason to live, and yet I am still here. I even slit my wrist one time, but I failed at that, because I ended up calling 911 before I had the chance to bleed to death. I couldnt stop thinking about my girlfriend, which is sad, because at the time she was out at the club with a bunch of guys from her work. In another state. Which is another crappy story. And so now here I am, with this big red scar running down my forearm, which is another prevention towards getting a job, even in fast food. Its not "customer oriented". Its not something that is easily explainable. There is no avenue of escape. There is no exit. I wish everyday some oppurtunity would present itself, that I would finr out about something that will revolutionize my life. And everyday more time just slips away, while I rot. I dont want to be a failure. I dont know what to say or do. There is so much more, but my brain wont let it out. Another joke. I can think in eloquent poetry when there is no pen or paper, no keyboard, and no people. Thoughts I will never get to share with another human being, although in my experience there would never be a receptive pair of ears to listen. This post probably seems pathetic, which is right in line with my character. Screw it. I want to die, and yet I'm scared. I dont believe in god, and yet everything I see seems to point to some unseen hand manipulating my life towards endless depression. Either that or I have the luck known to man. Not really, I know there are plenty of people with worse situations, but I cant help but still feel jealous, because even people who live in abject poverty, or in abusive situations, can usually still associate with there fellow human beings. They still have relationships, families, people who care about their existence, and want to see them have a good life. I dont have that at all. I cannot name one person who truly cares whether I live or die. Maybe its better because at the same time I have slowly grown to be disgusted by the petty everyday lives of the people I do come into contact with. A frivolous, narcissistic, consumer society of easily manipulated demographics. And yes I use that word as a substitue for people, since it seems that we have all been divided into statistics based on our favorite products to buy. I'm sure this post has gotten pretty monotonous and long winded. Lacking a better ending, beginning and core, I apologize for wasting your time if you did actually read this. I doubt I'll be dead, I'll just be living a sad, pathetic existence still, wishing for death, but never recieving. Feeling nothing but self pity. Even more pathetic. Be a man, right? Kill me please.