silentalways

may i add my 2 cents? the other night someone, a female started a thread about wanting to get back with someone and they way she wrote it was REAAAAAAALY but said she said she had one concern - and it is valid and i would as well - see she said her bf was addicted to a substance and that she worried that he could not 'beat' it alone so she was not sure and i told her, i don't think women realize the incredible power that comes from a woman tell a man [and the man being one that already loves and believes in her] that she not only LOVES him but BELIEVES in him - that he CAN do it [that's all that i required - trust me - I'm a guy!] I told if she just said that to her MAN, he would not only do everything required to ensure drugs never enter their life again but that he would probably give her full and complete access to the process and paperwork, appointments etc, if rehab was needed - done. and u know what she said to me - thank u so much. i will tell him that. and the feeling i had, hearing that, well she didn't discount my words, didn't make fun of my typos, didn't jerk around - realized thaty what i said was important and man - when a woman does stuff like that - well, i felt great the rest of the night - even after i had said i would and have offered the same to my ex many times - without reply - so i told her that they will succeed because they communicate and i didn't feel sad because my ex and i never did that, because what's the point in doing that? changes nothing right? i just focused on what was positive i am way better and its nice to know that myself - finally

wow. ok. mind if i pretend u are someone i know saying that - lol i sent a prezzie a while back to an ex and did i catch fire for doing that one! whew but, hey, i stopped didn't i? lol anyhoooo, i just put together a few things i knew [not thought - wink] she would enjoy and it was a house warming gift - which is kinda weird when u think about it - the first time she told me she was buying a home of her own i was yelling at her 'what the hell is that? what about us? how dare u!" [read addiction, anti's and depression] but when i woke up i remembered all the reasons she told me [i didn't sort of listen back then - its the recall part that sucks] why she was doing that and it made / makes perfect sense and was the right thing to do because 1. i was slacking on getting the sharing of the tonka house stuff done - she sould have been on the lease making income as i did 2. she had to get the hell out of robe-bedhead bois life and do her own thing while i mucked around getting me trousers back off being over me head 3. real estate is real estate - ask donny trump 4. and lastly, and the reason fer the prezzie, it was/is a major accomplishment considering the road taken travelled there - and not only had she earned that right thru hard work on herself and life and work - but because after living in lalaland - a little quiet slice of heaven was in order as for me shopping fer blissmiss this year, i think santa will be a little thin under the old tree this year - and that's ok - its about family and friends [not lovers -wink]

regarding sexy s's post about meeting and calling - go for it. u'll probably have a great, relaxing time and wonder later why u were fussing - u know the interest is already there - maybe he was training for a marathon and he's just a tad tuckered out. nothing wrong with some quiet couch time - i wonder if 'what not to wear' is on tonight? crap, did i just post a gurlie thing on here Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 310 I don't know what to think. I even sent him a card asking him why he was being so distant...I am not even sure he got it though... But if he keeps acting like a jerk (he was nice before the last time.. but the last time. he really acted like a jerk.. i think you are right. i'm just going to chaulk it up to the fact he's a jerk.. isn't interested.. has someone else on the side.. (though that's all conjecture). He's also got sort of a brutal work schedule.. so half the time I see him, he's tired. I'm going to keep it casual. no expecatations..we'll see..... I did act a bit flakey too before last time i saw him. I actually saw a guy that looked quite a bit like him.. and called him to ask why he wasnt' speaking to me! LOL.. i guess i came off as flakey. but honestly. this guy has a dead ringer to him! He even sounded like my friend.. well.. c'est la vie.. if he's not interested. then i'm not interested anymore in wasting time on thinking of him. If he's that uninterested. .it's ridiculous to waste my time on him. he's not that great looking.. well. he is good looking... maybe that's why he thinks he can get away acting like this.. But looks only go so far, don't you agree? If your personality sucks.. why even bother hanging out with that person?

dating advice? well, let the expert fill u in! har dee har har hmmmm...dates? dating someone? nope. been kinda busy cleaning, tidying and gettingt my house in order. i did 'try' dating a while back, and that worked out reeeeeeeeeeeeal good! NOT! i think i slept thru most of that anyways [relapse period - i does believes] so, i am on a dating site but am i looking to date someone i know nothnig about right now? probably not. but hey, if some babe comes up to me and askes me out, geeee, wonder what i should do? i've just kicked a bunch of people to the curb so i thought it would be nice to actually talk with people and go out every once in a while. nothing fancy, but, i had to get out of that flipping house that is by the way actually sold - i now have to find another one fairly quicky. oppppppppppsy. why is it always me that gets caught with my hand in the cookie jar [btw - the facts of that ecg post are correct - until the messing in action part]

robobobo, totally wicked post - u nailed it. u know what, sometimes people just go thru a period where they all the junk out of their trunk and then actually beginning a life, a new life actually - because they are still that person but now with extra whitten power. seriously, i've done enuff * * * * * * *, fighting, negative stuff over the last while, that i truly believe my tank is empty for that stuff now. when u go thru a really wild time, where everything but the kitchen sink is thrown at u and comes out of u, and u actually are aware and tackle these things - it truly changes u. contrary to popular belief and word on the street, i do not have a desire or love of the dark side of the soul. i just did my fill of a period of turbulent personal, family, and most importantly relationship crisis where i needed to actually focus on the meanings and causes of my trauma. i spent many solitrary sessions alone in my study, just me, my tiny violin and slide guitar where i painted lanscapes that detail how we respond to that good old psychic sword that hangs over everyone head at some point in their life. and i always knew that i would navigate the stormy seas of relationship and disappointments. i chose to undertake this exercise, and i am not talking about all the crap, i mean the journey that leads to the path back out thru the forest and when too sweet nostalgic music from a bird flu cd stops being achingly wounded to yer ear, and the tunes lead you back to the odyssey, and instead of wishing u could conjure up good lost times, u give yerself hyer own invention, and say 'enuff;! sometimes i feel cursed because of some lame artistic vision that desires to see into the deepest pain and despair their and do so because u recognize at the end of the rainbow there is profound value to be had and perhaps the opportunity to once again gaze upon the transcendend beauty of someone that was there with u thru all that all the time. if we all have the courage to accept such challanges, and embrance the 'workings' of them, and LOVE the fact that you are doing something that will forever reward u - that is beautiful music to my ears.

yes, lets all have laughs about something like that grow up obviously some of u dont understand how telling someone u love and believe in them works i guess some people don't understand the power of that so many people complain about missed ops but they do nothing while the other works their butt off women who want the man they love need to believe in them i know because what i went thru was BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T BELIEVE IN ME the opposite happens when u believe my ex could have called at any time and we would have been married, living togther, drug and booze free forever - a great life with one simple call and statement sometimes women don't understand what a man will do for someone he loves and when they pull the wait and see crap and the tests that is the opposite of what u do to a love i am am example of that [and i will not explain further but just say this, every single thing one would need for proof and trust is always there - the one thing that's missing is the female contribution. you don't get anywhere testing someone and doubting them] i really don't know how to make this any clearer if u had my cell number i would tell you - you would hear the truth from my voice yes, i actually own a cell phone i will tell u this, my ex never called - thereforeeee i knew she didn't love me its as easy as that good night all sweet dreams EVERY WOMAN NEEDS TO TRUST AND BELIEVE IN YER MAN

well, its been up there so long simply because i was doing the old 'everything but the kitchen sink' routine to get her to try again and for that effort what i received was the sound of a pin dropping on the floor - u get what i am saying u missed the real point - i am worried more about how someone i will be dating seriously would see that. it might come accross as 'hmmm, does he still think about his ex?' there is no way i want my past influencing my future. and, to be honest, the ex was fortunate to have been with someone that did all the music stuff fer her - i offered her the opportunity to do design, web stuff, mail outs, etc. she didn't bother - wasn't important to her - i offered her up 'part ownership' in something i had started [just as i did with marriage, family planning, finances, etc. the list is endless] so, i am talking about things that are mine, she contributed - my point was only to ask whether that would upset her - see, still a nice thoughtful guy after all that eh! lol ok...sleeepiesville. house hunting starts early and afternoon is with family and friends. nite all.

lol geeeeeeeee, i thought only i did that tattoooo thang hey, here is a question for all. i have three tattooos the last one i got was a reminder to me, me first, about a part of my past and it was related to someone and i told her about the tat...what it signified...and, when people say they are unsure about whether the past will happen again, and can't understand the importance of the tat [especially if they have any 2]? well, what can i say? some people pound themselves into ignorance thru stubborness and fear and that is really something they need to work on - just as i did and 'symbolized' with the tat anyhooooooooo - i have three chineeeeeese words tat'd on me - can anyone guess what the 'word' is for the last one? [the ex didn't even ask to see it - amazing piece of work eh! lol] hey, i'm not ragging her. everyone is entitled to be the person they are. my angry stage is way over, and i'm still online simply because i'm in transition right now - couple of weeks i'll be in a new home, looking at instead of dating [which for me is just enjoying the company of a woman of substance] to actual relationship searhing... yawn...everyone bored yet?

i wouldn't do that in the first place - u go to work to work not hit on someone. i don't have time for high school stuff like that - job is way too important to be chatting up some tart in the office.

well, thank u so much for the comp but u wanna know a secret? it really isn't that hard. anyone can [and will] do the healing thang - its part of life. but we make it hard on ourselves when we have never gone thru an experience like that before - how do u know how to handle something u never had to before? the one thing i can tell u is this - everyone goes thru it at one time in their life. that's why others appear to be able to do it better. hey, my ex was in a 10 year abusive relationship and she was able to leave that and get herself in fine shape just in time to meet little ol me - which was one the biggest things i praised her about and why i always thought she was an amazing woman - just never figured she'd use that amazing skill to her advange when she walked away - no words spoken. i had forgot about that. leaving me must have been a piece of cake compared to the 10 year thing. now, we both have that skill set - the ability to walk away. but i would take nothing back, regret nothing. i am so proud that i loved that woman so much that her leaving whacked my noodle. means i am can of giving great love to someone and will do everything i can. not many can do that - i am in a class of my own - woooo hoooo hey, she passed up financial security, a great loving man that would have married her, and happy home life, a healthy relationship and so much more - that's her loss, not mine, i still have that to offer someone special. oh yah, and one more thing - i rawk between the sheets and she knows it - she lost that too! wink

hey, for the love of gawd! take a piss out the woman doing the flirting instead of the guy - didn't he say SHE FLIRTS WITH HIM? there's as many whacked female players as male out there - the people that do these things are the majority unfortunately [trust me - i know - lol] i am thinking about inventing a male/female radar device that will beep if u are within 50 feet of such people - i'll make a million bucks! h'yooooooooooo

come on people! i went 8 months! i waited it out for 8 flipping months. u wanna talk about hard! i went temporarily coo-coo bananas because of that duration. try doing that, reaching out the best ways u can, and still getting spit at - that was like torture and i got sick as a result - but i flipping rebounded, beat all those lingering demons, and as a result i am know a zillion times stronger and better as a man and person and i will tell u this, it is a fact, because i just did it i will never, ever allow the ending of a relationship to make me sick as i was. there are people that will allow you to almost kill yerself than to rather give u one second of their time - and would u endanger your life for someone like that? i had to learn that the hard way because there has never been anyone in my life that even comes close to that level of coldness. and i proved to myself that i will never let that happen again to me, because recently i dated someone for a couple of months, she did the old 'woman can't handle men treating them right garbage' and disappeared - it took me 5 minutes to get over her. i love how life keeps teaching u new lessons all the time - its wonderful. never stop learning and developing yer skills - makes life much better. stay kewl

listen to bends never ever do friends with benefits that should never enter your mind about an ex snap out of it listen, i once went a whole year without sex, because doing the nasty with someone i didn't care about and want in my life is something i can't do. i made one rebound mistake in my life and i had to admit that was [knew she wasn't the one] the reason i really wasn't, well, u know, wasn't interest i had 'sex' when i was in high school once u have 'made love' with someone - u will not settle for just plain old sex ever again

man, u really need to take a look in the mirror! u are not calling, knowing what u know because u think he might call u? not to sound too harsh but that is horrible. how in the world do u place something like that, he might call, over helping? snap out of it fer pete's sake - take a look at how you are shaping yer morals and ethics. my ex did the exact same thing - probably thought the same way. i asked for one call, promised no strings attached - nothing. she probably made the same immature judgement call u are doing. i never received a call. didn't expect one - and that's the diff - i knew she wouldn't and didn't. she thought that would 'allow' me to return a call, and, i wouldn't - so, its all about trust, knowing the person, respect and communication. i know i will never be so flipping shallow ever in my life. shows their true colours. man, imagine if i actually had to depend on someone that would make such a decision? no thank u. plenty of women out there that aren't insanely selfish like that.

hi everyone, just thought i would get some advice before i did anything regarding an issue i just thought about. i am musician, of sorts, and an ex gf of mine from a year ago did some recording together, and i just realized that on a number of music sites, her pix and name [things like that] are still kicking around. what i am wondering is this - she broke things off with me, and basically told me that she wanted zero contact forever [no reason given, basically things got rough at the end] so, is it appropriate to still have those things up online? would that be upsetting and should i remove them? i was thinking i should because last thing i want is anymore drama but i would hate that to come accross as being negative in any way. a year is a long time and because we have had no contact, the plain fact is we have both moved on with our lives and i don't want that to somehow be a problem for the person i am seeing now but i also don't want the ex to feel i removed them out of anger or any negative emotion - i just think that the fact that she really wanted no contact of any kind, and i still have those things posted might be a sore point. i think i should delete them. what do u all think?

why did u feel weird just because her daughter was there - u should have just being yerself and saved anything 'non-child' related for another time. hey, now-a-days there are a ton of single moms and single dads and they can always get alone time. i would have loved it if that was me.

that's the ticket hoss. just look at the confidence pouring out of that post! you can tell just from reading it, that its not fake, its true. people always say actions speak louder than words but i believe that the pen is mightier than the sword. or its equal. any knight in shining underwear can slay a dragon if provided with the right sword [notice he didn't make the sword only used it], but i would be more impressed by the local serf that confidently walked up to the dragon and instead of killing it, comforted it with prose and let the dragon know that not everyone wants to kill him - there are those that value even dragons. give me willy shakesponder over vin desieler any day

i do believe love can conquer all - but the one important piece to me stating that is this - love does not exist or conquer in a vaccum if i was with someone and we were having troubles and she left, i could love her more than the moon and the stars above but unless she returns that love [which is the enabler to start working together again] then my love has no power whatsoever. loving someone will not make them love u back, it will only have power if they love u as well. does that make sense?

just a quick comment - i would only 'post' a profile on a "dating" site if i was single and looking to meet a potential life partner. i don't go on these sites to 'date' and i have never 'stayed on site' longer than a few months. as soon as i am 'with someone' and we both agree that things look promising, then i remove my profile but in the meanwhile, if i have made the decision to 'see if she is someone special' i do not spend any time contacting others and i focus on that person. i don't put a profile up for any other reason than that and if i saw an ex on a site i would never, ever, think about putting a fake profile and pulling her chain - someone that would do that has some series problems and should see a professional about that. i have no desire to 'compile' and 'compare' people on these sites - i am not window shopping. i know who i am, what i want in a partner, and i am proactive and don't let chance bring someone to me.

if someone told me, what she said to u - "She mentions that although she sees me as someone to marry later in life (and I see the same out of her,) she needs a break of six weeks in order to take time off for herself and figure her life out." i would take that as she is basically telling you - you are not the one for her. to me saying that 'later' you will be is the weirdest thing anyone could say, its like, 'hey, you wait for me - say for 10 years and if i haven't found anything better at that time - i will settle for you. that's actually insulting. if she was the one for you, she would include you in her discoveries - she is excluding you - so, please put on yer walking shoes and start the process of moving on.

after reading your post i would like to first congratulate you on discovering the things that were causing problems for u. i think it is important and shows confidence that you made that leap of faith and told her not only that but your feelings as well. basically that is all u can do because everything else is up to her, and i am speaking of things like associating you with the 'emotional rollarcoaster'. what she is doing by saying that is using that as an excuse, an enabler, to shift the reason for her not trying onto you because you have clearly expressed how you have changed - so, it is not your job to 'make' her change how she feels and views things - that is hers. what i think u need to do now is move on and find someone that doesn't see you in that light. you can only use those 'excuses' for so long and then it becomes a broken record. remember, you have gone from being in her eyes a source of hurt to a changed person and she hasn't moved past the reasons she left you so you are, in a sense, ahead of her in the 'healing and growing' stage. and, one last comment, there is no reason for you to express this to her but you should have, no MUST HAVE, a cut-off point, an idea of a period of time you are willing to stay single and wait for her, and once that passes - move on AND MEAN IT because that is your test - to see if you have really started to demand respect for who you are. i would like to add a few quick questions regarding 'getting back together' with an ex to your thread - 1. For those of you who want to do that, do you believe that the longer time passes, the chance of that increases or decreases? 2. Is there a certain time limit that you personally have, and once passed - there is no turning back? 3. For those who have dumped someone, went thru a long period of avoidance, like a year or more, and you find you want to try again - would pride or stubbornmess hold you back? 4. For those who are the ones that were dumped, and went thru a long period of complete silence, and then suddenly an ex told you they would like to try again, would you? 5. And last, would you take back an ex if you knew that they had dated others and gotten into a relationship before asking you to try again or would you if someone stayed single then asked? personally, in my case, i have already gone passed what i felt was acceptable a while back [around the 6 to 8 month timeline] and i started dating again. i haven't met someone that i want to be long term with again yet - but i am not letting life come to me either. i'm meeting new people, on a few dating sites, being proactive [like i always have been] and i have a better idea of the whole 'circle of life' thang. i see this time as a great beginning, a new chapter where my old storyline doesn't enter the picture - so i am looking forward to my future, not regreting my past. i hope this helps.

in different ways at different times. for example: when i was in love with someone, i would listen to the Tragically Hip song Ahead By A Century and it was a connection to that vibe i was feeling [First we'd climb a tree and maybe then we'd talk Or sit silently and listen to our thoughts With illusions of someday casting a golden light No dress rehearsal, this is our life That's when the hornet stung me and I had a feverish dream With revenge and doubt tonight we smoke them out You are ahead by a century Stare in the morning shroud and then the day began I tilted your cloud, you tilted my hand Rain falls in real time and rain fell through the night No dress rehearsal, this is our life That's when the hornet stung me and I had a serious dream With revenge and doubt tonight, we smoked them out You are ahead by a century But this is our life and disappointing you getting me down] then when i need to get over that love, i would listen to the Tragically Hip song Dumping The Body and it was a connection to my ability to let go and gave me the vibe i needed. [Morning broke out the backside of a truck-stop the end of a line a real, rainbow-likeing, luck stop where you could say I became chronologically " * * * *ed-up". Put ten bucks in just to get the tank topped off. Then, I found a place it's dark and it's rotted. It's a cool, sweet kinda-place where the copters won't spot it and I destroyed the map, I even thought I forgot it, however, every-day I'm dumping the body. It'd be better for us if you don't understand. It'd be better for me if you don't understand They don't know how old I am, they found armour in my belly from the 16th century, conquistador, I think. They don't know how old I am, they found armour in my belly. Passion out of machine-revving tension, lashing out at machiine-revving tension, brushing by the machine-revving tension.] does this happen to anyone else?

Regarding Emotional Investment Sometimes it may appear as one has 'no feelings', that they just moved on but that is never the case. Everyone reacts differently. In many cases, hurt cases people to resent the other person and no longer see them as a person but only as the object that caused the hurt. Resentment is an emotion that breds guilt, malice and anger. It is emotionally disturbing and harmful to your soul and it causes u to relive, in your mind, events you experienced in clouded way, and can cause people to lash out at those that hurt them. It is a dangerous emotion that should be avoided. Resentment is a state of mind that will destroy love and create suffering. It can create the illusion of false cause and effects and that is because u reactions and the emotions brought effect yer perception of how you relate to what happened. Fortunately, since you create this emotion, you can also release it.

MY 2 CENTS i can totally relate and the funny part is that most people that know me would never think of me that way. i am usually seen as a ultra confident, fearless, social butterfly that has no problems in any situation when for the most part i have the same normal anxious and nervous feelings as everyone else - and, in fact, it wasn't until i 'blew a tire' during my last relationship did i realize that i had learned behaviours from my past [self protection - self esteem] that were actually 'harming' my interactions with others. so, for the longest time, my protective shield had 'blinded' me to what i was actually doing - and becoming aware of that allowed me to 'see' the triggers that 'start' the bad behaviours and stomp them out and start being in and enjoying healthy relationship and change the people i associate with. why would i want to hang out with druggies and boozers when i could go to a play with a hottie? duh! i finally get it

just a quick comment on the 'FWB' concept. i think at some point in our lives everyone sort of 'contemples' whether or not they are 'capable' of just being with someone for sex - and i like everyone pondered that thought and discovered that: 1. for me, it would mean that i would be compromising a number of my beliefs and corrupting a whole bunch of my morals and what i believe to be something special. 2. doing FWB would mean that i am using that person, treating them as an object simply for my pleasures - can't do that. 3. it would mean that i value 'sex' over 'initamacy' - can't do that. 4. it would mean that i am devaluing who i am as a person 5. i would not be able be with someone and not become attached some people can be FWB - and while i have never done that, i know i just can't.