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Batya33

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  1. Batya33
    My humble opinion is that if you do not want to marry him, move out with the baby, have him give you child support and see the baby as often as possible so that your baby does not grow up with two parents who are living together, do not get along (which at some point your child will pick up on) and are not married. Just doesn't seem healthy for you or the baby to be living with a man you do not want to marry and who you are not happy with - at some point don't you want your child to have a good role model for a healthy, loving relationship? Not at all saying you are a bad mother or making bad choices - you are trying to survive - just something to think about. . . .
  2. Batya33
    Not sure what you mean by "otherwise really good looking." So shorter than average is by definition an "otherwise?" What about those people (like myself) who happen to be drawn to shorter men? Why not look at it this way. This hot film director is willing to go out with someone who is taller than average and my guess is like all of us you have at least one other physical "flaw" which he will have to accept if he dates you. As far as feeling "awkward" it depends entirely on the two of you. My boyfriend is about 2 inches taller than me at 5"5 and he dated a woman who was 5"8. He doesn't care. In my view he stands head and shoulders above most people when it comes to integrity and character. As far as attraction, I agree that's a personal matter but I disagree with your generalization that shortness is by definition a negative.
  3. Batya33
    I am sorry you're going through this. Questions that occurred to me. Why aren't the two of you married (is this a mutual decision) and are there plans to marry? My hunch is that that situation adds to the tension and conflict and certainly won't be the best situation for your child to be growing up with two parents who live together, aren't married, and have tension between them. Best of luck.
  4. Batya33
    I would ask a lawyer or look on the internet to find out what the divorce laws are in the state in which you were married, which should cover financial issues too.
  5. Batya33
    Sounds from your post that you don't see her work in raising your children as worthy or difficult as you say you sacrifice everything. What about what she sacrifices in raising your children and doing all that work? My guess is from your attitude that she also sees that attitude, it makes her a bit angry or resentful and anger/resentment is the best way to turn someone off really fast. . . . .
  6. Batya33
    I think it depends. It's normal to feel a strong attraction to someone unavailable and less of an attraction to someone who is not as much of a challenge. Here is what I would do. Give it another month or so and make an effort to see her once a week for a fun date so that you get to know her in different situations. Keep the level of physical intimacy to a minimum. If at the end of that time you don't find yourself more attached or maybe even missing her a little when she is not around then reevaluate. You haven't known her long enough to know if true and lasting feelings will develop and on the other hand, you have no idea whether your intense feelings for the 18 year old will burn out as fast as they burned up.
  7. Batya33
    Just my humble opinion. You will have no idea whether you two click on a romantic level or have enough in common for an in person relationship unless and until you spend consistent in person time together for at least a few months. You have no idea what she is like in person - her body language, mannerisms, what she is like with others such as waiters, bosses, family, friends, neighbors, etc. You have no idea what she is like on a daily basis - on-line communication is selective and she can choose when to communicate with you as opposed to in person when she can't simply log off because she is in a bad mood or tired, etc. You may truly believe you have romantic feelings like love for this person but those feelings are not based on real time spent with the person. On line communication can feel very real, deep, sincere, etc but you can't account for chemistry or interpersonal dynamics from just a web cam or IM. Certainly you can be lovely pen pals or phone buddies and get to know things about each other but whether this is "true love" or the foundation for a real in person relationship remains to be seen. Again, just my humble opinion and I hope you get to spend consistent in person time with her soon.
  8. Batya33
    First of all my advice is from the female perspective because I am one ;-). If he asks you what you are doing that day certainly you can tell him. It doesn't matter - you know why? Because he doesn't get to see you by asking you out last minute. He gets to see you if and only if he calls you and asks you out at least a few days in advance and if you are not already busy, you accept. Also, if you decide that my advice makes sense, he won't have much of a chance to keep tabs on you because until he starts asking you out regularly, in advance, he won't get to chat with you much at all. But remember, make it clear in this way "I really enjoy our "chats" so much but my work/social life is getting a little too busy for me to be available on the computer as often. I'd rather see you in person and if that makes sense to you, let me know when you're free and we'll find a time when we're both available." Something like that - he doesn't deserve a blow by blow of what you do every day and you are not there to train him on how to be a gentleman and court a lady. If he is truly interested he will either figure it out on his own or ask someone how best to get your attention and get to spend time with you. Where you went a little wrong in my opinion is in thinking that getting to know someone for a potential romantic relationship involves spilling your guts about "deep" things right off the bat and being available 24/7 to talk to the person. Most people like a little challenge, a little intrigue, and a little space to get to know someone. He was fascinated at first as most people are when they first meet someone they are attracted to but now that you are basically at his beck and call and so "nice" to him the challenge is gone and he doesn't feel like he had to do much of anything to get your attention. This doesn't make him a bad guy, just human. And - many men - not all! - are visual - so that if they don't get to see you in person, you don't make as much of an impression or motivate them to spend more time with you.
  9. Batya33
    I think it helps a great deal for someone to stop focusing on being a victim/having a pity party and taking active steps to change a situation - particularly a situation that she chose in large part. As far as helping Laura I was simply responding to another poster's view with which I disagreed. What I think would help Laura very much is a small dose of "tough love" rather than sympathy. Sympathy is nice but won't change things. The more she focuses on victimhood the less action she will be compelled or motivated to take. I still don't see how a married man can make any type of romantic commitment to another woman but we can agree to disagree.
  10. Batya33
    I think it's crucial - if you want any kind of romantic relationship with him - that you cut way down on the typing/talking so that he is forced - if he is interested - to ask you out on a proper date that he plans in advance and spend time with you in person. You will only learn whether you click in real life for a relationship by spending consistent in person time. Right now you are wayyy too available for him - all he has to do is type to you or click on a window and he has your full attention. He doesn't have to put in effort and you are telling all in the name of "openness and honesty." I say - in the name of your great worth and confidence, you hold back until he earns the right to know all this and to have all this attention from you. He earns it by calling you, asking you out on a date he plans in advance and then taking you on the date and showing sincere interest in you. You in turn should show up, look nice and be appreciative of his efforts. This is not about playing a game - it is about making sure you show him that your time is valuable, that you are not an open book to just anyone, etc. So at this point, slow down and tell him very nicely - that you love talking to him on the computer but you are busy and would prefer to spend your free time with him in person, so if he wants to see you again, you'd be happy to make some plans to do so. Then if he doesn't ask you out, keep your responses to his IM's polite but short - and sign off if need be so that he must take steps to spend time with you that involve effort on his part.
  11. Batya33
    If I knew someone was not yet divorced - and that means "still married" - there is no possible way he could mislead me into believing that he could be committed to me. By definition, he could not be. She chose to move accross the world to be with a married man who could not commit to her at this time (or maybe not ever). Whether he told her the divorce would be final tomorrow, next year or next month doesn't matter. At the time she agreed, she agreed to be with a married man. Even if he had lied to her, that would be bad, yes, but typically there are ways to check into and verify marital status. And even so, she would have known shortly after she arrived and could have left that day or the next day. In addition, she chose to move in with a man without having her own financial independence. Again, her choice, nothing to do with him.
  12. Batya33
    Was there any evidence that he held a gun to her head to get her to stay with him for all that time? Why is it all his fault?
  13. Batya33
    Sounds like a waste of time to try to figure out how to "drink" properly. Why not decide that you will enjoy the occasional drink or glass of wine only if you sip it, it is on a full stomach and the goal is not to get buzzed in the least. Even if you could "learn" how to drink - whatever that means - you never know on a particular day what your tolerance level is and the end result simply will be that now you know how to take in empty calories and alcohol, neither of which is healthful for you and how to get "buzzed." Is that endeavor really worth your time?
  14. Batya33
    In my humble opinion, until you meet someone in person you are not dating them and have no real romantic relationship with the person. You may be IM buddies, phone buddies, whatever but you have no idea if you will click in person and I'm not just referring to physical appearance - all the myriad of ways that in person interactions affect the dynamics, communication, things in common etc. You have no idea how the person reacts to waitstaff, friends, family, a homeless person, a co-worker, a bus driver until you spend real in-person time. You don't know if the person makes sincere eye contact, is a good listener in person, has body language with which you're comfortable. And pictures don't do the trick - even if they're recent the combination of body language and appearance is lacking. The possible reasons she hasn't given you her number - she is lying about who she is in some important respect, she is married or attached to someone else, she only wants a cyber buddy and not a real in person relationship. Having said all that I do believe on line friendships are real - just like pen pal friendships - but romantic relationships need in person time over a period of time if they are to be "real".
  15. Batya33
    Why did you ask him if he missed you? Think of it this way - if your purpose in telling him you missed him was to show him how much you care and if you trusted that he cared for you, you wouldn't have asked him the question and if he didn't say it back, you might have been disappointed but just assumed that at that moment he didn't miss you. My guess is that he saw the question as you trying to test his feelings for you rather than you being motivated by how you care for him. Sometimes people can see that as manipulative and it makes you seem needy - that can be a turn off. What I would do - stop the testing - it's too transparent - instead, make your own plans, be nonchalant and light hearted with him, don't be so available to him and see if your absense makes his heart grow fonder.
  16. Batya33
    She chose to be there knowing he was legally committed to someone else and he is not her parent with obligations to take care of her. If he wasn't treating her properly, she always had and still has the choice to leave. Sure he may be acting jerky and she doesn't have to put up with that but he is not holding her hostage there and never told her he was single or unattached.
  17. Batya33
    Actually no I disagree with you. If someone is legally married it doesn't matter what's in his heart -legally, he belongs to someone else and is legally committed to someone else. You are the mistress. What matters is his actions, not his feelings. If he is still married - which he is - then he hasn't taken the actions yet to get a divorce and commit to you - if that is because he is waiting for the divorce that's fine. Wait until his divorce is final for at least a year - obviously he is still entangled with his wife in several ways - and then if you are still interested and both are available, live in the same city on your own, get a job and see where it takes you. How would you like it if you had a significant other or a spouse who said that his priority was his feelings, not his commitment to you which meant that he could go outside the marriage and be with someone else? Force yourself as much as possible to face reality and don't focus on these abstract feelings that are irrelevant given the situation that (1) he is married; (2) you are depending on him for a place to live; and (3) he is not committed to you because he is committed to his wife.
  18. Batya33
    He is interested in you attending his party. Don't go further in your analysis. Go to the party or if you cannot make it just tell him you would have loved to but you had other plans, etc. Let him make the next move. If he is interested in dating you - then - it's pretty simple - he will call you in advance and ask you for a date that he has planned. He might be interested right now but for whatever reason - taking things slow, he just broke up with someone - he is not asking. The more analysis you do the worse it will be because that will make you nervous around him. Keep it simple.
  19. Batya33
    The issues here as I see it are incompatible values and your generalizations. It is partly an age thing, sure, but mostly it is an individual choice. Sounds like he might have a drinking problem that is masked because "all his friends do it." Nagging him won't help - he has to be motivated on his own to find different things to do with his time. I dated several 25 year olds and only one was like that - and he had a drinking problem at the time. Most of the men in their 20s I dated were educated professionals who may have been tempted to party more but were too focused on building their careers to risk not doing a good job because of partying. Also, they had different values and different types of friends than you're describing. I would definitely lose the generalizations - there is nothing that "all men" are at any age. And even if it were true obviously that's not making you feel better about it.
  20. Batya33
    I am sorry you are in this situation. Did you know he was a married man (i.e. not yet formally divorced) when you moved? Why did you decide to move in with him instead of getting your own place and a job? You've gotten a lot of sympathy here and I agree with the other posters. Now for a little tough love - stop the pity party, and use the energy you expend feeling sorry for yourself to either take the necessary steps to leave or to figure out why you are getting in your own way of leaving - what is stopping you from doing what is best for you? The answer "because I love him" won't cut it - he is a married man, still committed to someone else and thereforeeee he cannot commit to you. Even when he is divorced, it seems so messy and complicated that you will need to stay away for a significant period of time - I mean the better part of a year if not more.
  21. Batya33
    Sounds like you are making a lot of excuses in the name of "I can't help it - she's doing x and y, etc" so that you can continue playing with fire. I have to say, I feel sorry for your children - they are the ones who ultimately will suffer, but I see that you have other priorities.
  22. Batya33
    Good. Sounds like you fell in love based on how he was giving to you. What about focusing on loving him - that is, being giving to him - which includes respecting his desire to have sex or not. I think it's far easier to feel love based on what someone does for you than to take action and be loving (giving) to another person.
  23. Batya33
    The lack of sex is because he doesn't feel loved - he feels objectified.
  24. Batya33
    It's interesting how you label people and put them in boxes - hippie types, types you would see on TV, cool types- how many of these people do you know well, as individuals? If you saw me at a fancy event with my designer handbag talking to a bunch of cool people and also knew that I was a professional with a sophisticated career would you also know (1) that I grew up in a not too nice neighborhood that was dangerous at times; (2) that I am a self-made woman when it comes to education and career; (3) that I was a very unpopular person in high school, college and grad school; (4) that most likely the people you would see me hanging out with at such an event likely are not my friends and are barely acquaintances. My guess is you would probably make generalized assumptions about who I am and what my values are based on that little snapshot of seeing me at a fancy event talking to those "types" of people. That is where I think you're going wrong. Making these generalized assumptions and then also wanting people to give you a chance as an individual. A bit inconsistent, don't you think? Think about it.
  25. Batya33
    What you do is continue to act friendly and approachable and perhaps invite him to a group activity. If he is interested and emotionally available for a relationship, he will ask you out. Obviously if he was willing to make such a grand statement and saw that you didn't run for the hills he likely knows you would at least go on a coffee date with him.
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