Batya33

No I have never slipped up because for me it is not about self-restraint. I do not want to have sex with a man who I am not in a loving, committed relationship with and who I know very well. Yes there have been times I am very attracted to someone but I don't need to "go all the way" to enjoy myself.

Sounds like this is mostly a sexual relationship and you know little about her as a person - that means that you really don't "know" what her "no" means - so I would play it safe and tell her - if you say no I am going to take it as no - I don't care what 95% of brazilian women do - I am not comfortable with that. The other option is, since you've only known her a month and this is casual, stop having sex until you get to know her -- wait a few months -- and go out on actual dates in public places.

Sure but what you also know is that she doesn't feel comfortable enough when sober to tell you how she feels (and how does that sit with you if you think of a long term relationship) and based on her track record, you have no idea when she is going to decide that she doesn't feel that way anymore. You also know that she likes to drink and if she is getting drunk more than once a week that she might have a drinking problem.

Most guys- most people - don't stop being attracted to others even if they are married. But "most guys" - thank goodness - are not rude to their significant others when it comes to expressing that attraction. Just like at work he knows not to roll his eyes at his boss even though he "feels like it' - he does not need to show you that he is obviously attracted to or checking out another woman. Tell him that it bothers you when he checks out other women in front of you. You might try giving him a taste of his own medicine. If he won't stop (and it's won't not can't - he can't stop his feelings but he can stop how he acts on them) then figure out whether the level of respect he is now giving you is sufficient fo r you and if you are thinking of starting a family with him - as a role model for any children you might have, especially boys of course.

It is certainly flattering but for me, until a man contacts me in advance to ask me out for a date that he mostly plans, I assume that his interest ranges from friendship to just wanting to flirt. Watch the feet (what he does) not the lips. I have heard the same types of comments - and even more specific - from men who either never asked me out or never asked me out for a second date. So - just enjoy it for what it is - a sweet comment that might lead to more.

It sounds to me like at this point he is not emotionally available for a marital commitment - much less a commitment to parent a child. Maybe that is the key - if he wants to work on himself so much that he cannot commit to you, maybe the thing to do is for him to work on himself - by himself - and see what it is like not to have you in his life as his cheerleader. Sorry to sound like a broken record but you are not his first priority at this point. If you were, you would be engaged with a wedding date. His first priority is to find his self-worth and that includes the selfish request that you wait around for some indeterminate amount of time until he is satisfied that he "found himself." Do NOT be surprised that once he finds himself and with that, builds self-confidence - that he will go for the pretty young thing he meets in connection with his brand new career and marry her in 6 months flat. Worst case scenario, I know but I have seen it happen. You will be the one who was his emotional bandaid, who stood by him, who knew him when, but Pretty Young Thing will only know him as the confident successful man. Think about it and think about whether you can be that Pretty Young Thing by saying - "I love you - I hear that you want to work on yourself - please go do so and when you are satisfied call me. If at that time I am still available and interested we can talk about getting engaged."

I am 39 and waited until I was 24 for my first time - I was in love and we were in a committed relationship for over a year. I can count the additional number of lovers on one hand since then although if I gave in to chemistry and/or other opportunities to be with people I am sure the number would be far closer to a hundred if not more. For me it is fairly simple. I don't worry about the "teasing" issue. I am very matter of fact about telling a man early on - as soon as it is clear there is an attraction and before I invite him into my home or go to his home - that there will be no s_x unless we have been dating a few months at least, unless we are committed and there is potential here for a future. I don't worry about teasing because once they know that, if they choose to get turned on they are big boys and will deal with it in some way. And yes I will do sleepovers before the "deed" occurs again because I am very clear about what will happen and what will not happen. I have no desire for s_x outside of a committed loving relationship that has potential for marriage. I do not have any problem with those who feel differently. Over my 25 years of dating, I have encountered men who have not asked me out again because they knew what they wouldn't be getting for awhile. I am always fine with that and given that I have dated hundreds of men it is a minimal percentage that react this way. I think it is because I stick to my values, do it in a nice but low key as well as assertive way, and I carry myself with confidence (but not arrogance) - or so I've heard. I don't care a bit what it is like in "society" these days - I have my own values and I live by them. I am not gorgeous, I am not wealthy - I can't see that it is any easier for me to attract men than the next person -- but lo and behold, despite the prevalence of casual sex I have never wanted for dates and I have been almost always treated like a lady and with respect. Totally worth it for me. Might not work for anyone else, and that's ok.

If sexual intimacy is important to you long term, then this is not the guy for you. If he wanted to get help for it he would and he is not.

I agree with what everyone else said and wanted to add - grow a thick skin and fast. Don't be cynical or negative but force yourself not to get attached to someone until you've been steadily dating for at least a few months and he has shown you unmistakably that he is interested in you. Don't tell people about the date before it happens or talk too much about a brand new dating relationship so you don't get asked a lot of questions early on. I got to the point where if I wasn't asked out on a first or second date (or third or fourth even) I was able to just walk away and forget about it quickly - and I mean - in an hour or two - yes, there were a few exceptions but even that would just take me a day or so (and not with hysterics - just on my mind). And - the next time you reject someone this experience will help you decide on the best way to do it. In this case since he made the plan standing you up was wrong, of course. Good luck!

Sounds like the career issues are apples and oranges as between the two of you - sounds like you had a specific career goal that required some sort of schooling, such that you knew pretty much when you'd be done. My parents married right after my mother finished college and my dad finished grad school - they were engaged for 5 years previous to that, knowing that they would get married once they were done with school. With your boyfriend it is far more open ended - a moving target - neither of you know when his career will be stable enough such that he is ready for marriage. And this works to his advantage - if he wants to delay the decision he can always change what he means by "stable" in his career.

Here's the thing - since you won't have children unless you're married or buy a house together then by definition you both see marriage - the legal status - as highly significant and a significant distinction from your status now. Of course I understand that people need to wait to tie the knot for all sorts of external reasons. The problem here is that there is a part of you that doesn't fully accept his "reasons" - if you did, you would be fine with the status quo and secure that it would happen whenever it happens. To be harsh - it sounds like your boyfriend is a whiner. So what if your family is full of overachievers - hasn't that been true from the moment he met you and hasn't he known that for most of the 8 years? It doesn't take 8 years to deal with an "issue" like that - you either know or you don't within a reasonable amount of time after you learn about the issue whether you can deal with it or not. Bottom line - his dream of a career is more important than his dream of being with you - if that weren't the case he would do his dream career as a hobby, or delay doing it until after you had grown children, or one of a number of alternatives. I don't judge him for wanting a low paying career I am just observing that that is a more important priority for him now than marriage. He has known for years that you would be the major breadwinner so .. how much longer does he need to decide whether that issue is a dealbreaker?

It sounds like the two of you have incompatible values. He values finding his self-worth through his career before being married and you value placing a priority on marriage over whether both of you are in the careers you want to be in. Neither of you is wrong - it's just incompatible. Here is what I would do. Tell him nicely and sweetly that you want no contact for the next three months other than a 15 minute conversation on the first Saturday morning of each month (something like that) to "check in" - you will not date anyone else for that three months. He can contact you prior to the three months only if there is a ring and a date. He can contact you after the three months only if there is a ring and a date or if he decides not to continue the relationship. This is not meant to play a game - this is to get time apart and see if you miss each other and if so, how much.

I think it's fine to notice others even if you're married - we're not blind. However, I find it rude and disrespectful (and "TMI") to tell your significant other about others that you find attractive, to blatantly check out others when with your significant other, etc. Everyone has a different "line" that cannot be crossed in those situations - those are just mine. I also think it can be unfair to lure someone into the trap by asking that they compare you to someone else physically or intimately. What's the point other than the other person will know he/she is being tested and your insecurities will be all too apparent (and this can be a turn off). It also sounds like your bf thinks that whether someone is hot is an objective assessment. Not true at all - people have their "types" and that results in a whole range of looks, weight, height, style that different people find attractive.

If you break up and think you are trying to get back together then time apart is great to let things gel, to see what life is like without each other, to see if you miss the person and how much. At times I think the term "communication" is thrown around as the cure all. In fact, I think sometimes people talk too much in the name of "honesty" when they are doing so to be selfish/self-absorbed and get things off their chest even if it unnecesarily hurts the other person. Being selective and discriminating in what we talk about and when we talk about it is part of loving - loving is giving and by thinking about how the other person will react or if the other person is ready to hear what you have to say even though you "feel like" sharing that is being giving to the other person. Calling someone you broke up with because you miss them or want to talk requires analysis of whether that is also in the best interests of the other person. It isn't always.

It is watch the feet not the lips by the way ;-) I believe you can know in three months but if after the three months you are long distance with no official discussion of exclusivity, the "knowing" isn't going to get you very far because there is no commitment and no real plan for the future. Your relationship become mostly about longing, yearning and fantasy - to the point where despite "knowing" you weren't willing to have a serious conversation about where you stood. As far as him saying good to you not seeing other people all that means is you let him know you wouldn't - means nothing about his behavior or whether he was keeping his options open. Of course there are exceptions to every rule - your friend might be one of them although you cannot know if they are truly happy together just as you cannot know that about almost anybody. My guess is that in your friend's case they had an early conversation about their intentions and about commitment.

I think the issue here is that you considered your months of typing and talking as relevant to a romantic relationship and whether you were meant to be together long term. I think that was totally irrelevant but it prolonged the fantasy. In reality you only spent a few months together in person and moved like lightning speed past getting to know each other at a reasonable pace. Then you went back to the fantasy of long distance when you really didn't have a solid basis yet for a long term relationship (i.e. only three months of dating). what I would want to know is did you have a talk about being exclusive and committed? If not he and you were free to date anyone else. My advice - it sounds like you definitely get attached to the idea of love and romance and a future and doing long distance and typing and talking perpetuates the fantasy and the "in love with love" feelings. I would date someone closer to home, see him once or twice a week for the first month or two, get to know him in person but slowly over time - it might not be as many fireworks or as thrilling but in the long run it will probably be more stable - don't have someone move in with you until you've been dating steadily for at least a year and are almost engaged or engaged. I too have had lovely and deeply personal email chats and phone chats with men I've never met in person - the difference is, when I did on line dating - I would email three times tops, talk on the phone only a few times and then meet in person ASAP. I would refuse to meet men where I knew in advance it would be long distance. Another red flag - talking about marriage and kids right off the bat when he knew his life was nowhere near stable enough to be able to do that - sure it's flattering but watch the feet not the lips . .. .

You will be treated well when it is obvious that you treat yourself well. Many guys have told me over the years that I exude a sense of confidence - and specifically that I be treated like a lady. I've been told it is in the way I carry myself and present myself (and yes I know how to flirt and do flirt). Of course I have been hit on by men who want only one thing - who hasn't? - but they never get beyond the cheesy pick up line or the date where they stop being a person of character and integrity. That is the last date. In short, in 24 years of dating and relationships I've been treated very well - like a lady - and have treated men with respect as well. My advice - carry yourself and present yourself in a way that quietly commands respect, confidence (but not coldness or arrogance) and don't reveal too much too soon - physically or verbally - be discerning in what you say and do and to whom you say and do it. If you truly want a relationship, become "friends" with a man only if it is completely platonic and the minute it crosses the line, explain nicely but firmly that you are open to that but only on certain terms - that he call you in advance for a proper date, that you proceed with intimacy only if and when you're both comfortable, etc. Also evaluate where you are meeting these men. If at clubs or bars they are more likely - with exceptions - to be looking for just one thing - if through a temple or church or volunteer work, less likely. good luck

I would never do FWB or have casual sex but in my opinion the woman is not being used - as long as she is consenting and has the capacity to consent, she is making the choice - she is not a victim. Or, if she is being used well then so is the man if you look at it that way. I think it does a disservice to empowering women to say that a woman who chooses to have casual sex is being used by the man - what happened to being able to choose and taking responsibility for that choice? And why is the man the bad guy for asking - no crime in asking.

It's when the couple is comfortable being in more of a committed relationship - sometimes that is right off the bat, sometimes it takes months and sometimes it never happens because one or both want their space and options to date others. At my age I wouldn't date someone more than 2-3 months without being exclusive and I do not have sex without being exclusive so both of those are my personal timing issues.

Basically there are no rules other than you have to tell yourself that it's just sex and you won't get emotionally attached to the point that it will hurt. Also add "with you" to the end of his claims that "I don't have time for a relationship" because chances are that when he meets a woman who he wants to treat as a true friend, lover and lady - with respect - he will all of a sudden "want" a relationship and you will just be the woman he had sex with while he was waiting to meet the one. I remember being on a first date several years ago and the man told me that he had been having casual sex once a week with some woman and it just wasn't right for him anymore. That statement didn't turn me on (the opposite - I didn't want to be with someone who was that ok with casual sex that he would mention it on a first date) but it should give you pause as to the role you may play in your "friend's" life.

Sounds like you might love him - who's to say - but you definitely don't like him much or feel you have compatible values. At age 24 (I am 39) I had the same level of integrity and ethics that I have now - it was not about life experiences it was intrinsic to how I was raised and I embraced those values. At two months you likely are feeling more attachment, lust and infatuation than true love because as you can see you didn't really know him when you invited him to move in. I would move on and explore in yourself why the "but I love him" takes priority over finding someone with compatible values. Remember - his priority is to get a bentley or other fancy car - imagine if you had a child with this man!

I am sorry you were involved with him. My advice - don't date a man who is still legally married until a year after his divorce is final. He was married to - and thereforeeee legally committed to - someone else - so he couldn't be committed to you even if he wanted to. You chose to stay after he promised to get a divorce but didn't follow through -- think about why you did so and didn't walk away the first time he proved not to be trustworthy. It could be because you "loved" him but then of course you have to think about why a married man who also lies is worthy of your love. You will survive this!

I don't think you have a right to interfere - you are not her father or her husband (and even then it would still be her business). Either you trust her or you don't. If you trust her, then trust her to take care of this in the way she sees appropriate.

Once you "try" to impress the game is over. You may "win him over" short term but sooner or later it will get exhausting and/or he will be able to tell that you are trying to impress and not being yourself. Easier said than done, I know. And, yes, it's true - life isn't fair. Get used to that. My bf does appreciate very much when I prepare meals for him, take care of his drycleaning, just like I appreciate when he carries my heavy packages, opens doors for me, calls me to make sure I got home safely. We are both professionals and highly educated and as long as I feel I am treated relatively fairly in the workplace I don't need to import "feminist" values into my relationship. I am perfectly happy to let him be "the man." What is important is that he is a person of integrity, character and sincerity - that is more important than his multiple degrees and successful career. Do I ever feel intimidated? sure, a little - and I tell him and he laughs about it because he says he is very proud of me. In short, it is about finding a person who you feel comfortable with and don't feel you have to impress and be on your toes all the time. And, try to get rid of the negative attitude about "fairness" - if you want a 50/50 relationship, more power to you but then be prepared for the tradeoffs - many men who are super sensitive (i.e. sensitive like a woman) are also not very masculine - and that is fine of course if you don't need a manly man to be turned on romantically. There are men who will go shopping with you, will cook for you all the time etc but - with exceptions of course - many of them will also not be the most masculine. If that is cool with you, great but give that some thought too. Good luck.

I think it's entirely consistent to be both intelligent and talk about silly/trivial things - the best thing about intelligence is when it translates into an intelligent sense of humor.