Batya33
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Everything posted by Batya33
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Watch the feet not the lips - what he does, not what he says. He wasn't interested in a relationship with you. Period. It's ok - don't take it personally - really. You will also find people you are not interested in being in a relationship with - perhaps you won't flirt as much. Also understand that you were very available to him - he never had to take the effort to call and ask you out on a proper date - he could just hook up with you at his convenience and tell you he didn't want a commitment so he wouldn't feel guilty about it and could give you all the compliments he felt like and still be off the hook. That's what happens sometimes when you meet people in clubs, especially when there is alcohol involved. Your risk of course but it sounds like you want a serious relationship and to be treated like a lady. Hard to find that in a club- not impossible, but difficult.
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Thanks for your response. I understand that you love her and she comes with this whole package - the good, the bad, the daughter, etc. I think the problem is that the daughter - although 22 - is very immature and while her mother might accept you disciplining her children, this child does not and it's confusing to her (and she is confused as it is, sounds like). It's been said many times that a person marries the person's family and here you are experiencing this first hand. Here is what I would do so that you stop being a doormat and this relationship can be saved. Say in a loving, caring way something like "I love you and I want us to be together. Right now though if I stay in this situation it is not going to be healthy for either of us because when it comes to your daughter, we don't agree and haven't been able to agree. For now, I am going to move out and let's go to counseling so that we can work as hard as we can on "us" and speed up my moving back in when that is appropriate. That is my goal. We can continue to date of course but I didn't sign up for this situation and it is very unhealthy for me and thereforeeee for us. I need to gain back my sanity, my sense of self and self-respect. You need to figure out how to deal with your daughter and grandchildren in the way that makes the most sense to you. You cannot do that while I am around as we've seen."
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Well, I respectfully disagree that your supporting them financially - your choice entirely - gives you the right to discipline someone else's child. They are not your family - they may be "like family" but neither of them (your fiancee and her daughter, and her children) is related to you by blood or marriage. And if you are so traditional as you say, why aren't you married? Kind of inconsistent, no - to want the so called "man of the house" title but not make it legal? Not sure I've ever heard of the traditional set up where the man and woman are not married and the woman's child is living with them. But, that's just me of course. It sounds like your values as you stated them above are inconsistent with her values because apparently she doesn't want to have a set up where she has to obey the "man of the house." I am sure there are women who would go along with that model (I don't happen to be one of them but ok) - and if it is that important to you find someone who is on the same wavelength with you. She may have been at one time but it is clear she is not anymore.
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Why have you been engaged for 5 years and are not married? Do you have a wedding date (not sure what engaged really means without a wedding date but I'm sure there are different definitions). Sounds to me like you are not compatible as far as lifestyle, period, end of story and that might be one reason you are not married. Also, unfortunately, you are not the daughter's father or even her mother's husband so your authority is very limited - as a famous psychologist said, you should be expected to be treated like a guest - i.e. with respect but you have no say in how she is disciplined, etc. Of course you don't have to contribute any $ towards her expenses so that of course should stop. As far as your fiance complaining about your behavior the more you can see that as manipulation the better. Just my humble opinion.
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The main problem here is that you consider yourself a couple - in the romantic sense of the word - with someone you have never met in person. You may be "in love" or like the image of him you see through typing and talking but neither of you has any idea of whether you will be compatible in person. Not about looks - you don't know his body language, energy, the way he is when he is sick, happy, sad, around his friends, family, waiters, etc. You cannot know that through typing, talking, webcam, etc. Once you realize that for purposes of a romantic relationship he remains a complete stranger, you will also realize that his behavior - in taking this to a real instead of a fantasy level screams that he is not interested enough in that - he would prefer to keep it a fantasy. you keep giving him more chances because deep down - so do you - this way you can pretend you are part of a couple because that seems important to you and avoid trying to meet people in real life - which is much more challenging but so much more rewarding. Believe me, if you decide not to date anyone that's totally fine but deluding yourself as you are is very unhealthy IMHO.
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I think it's striking a balance between fun/flirty/feminine and being quietly assertive including as far as insisting - without speaking -on being treated with respect and like a lady. I have heard more than once from men I have dated that the way I carry myself and present myself makes it clear that I am relationship material - or - at least not one night stand material. It was always said as a compliment. Several times on a first date or second date I've been asked pointed questions about my goals in a marriage, what kind of engagement ring I would want (hate that question - I have no interest in that topic - borrrriiiinnggg). etc I used to joke "men don't want to date me, they just want to marry me." I am not "gorgeous" by any means. I do carry myself with confidence and when I first meet a man I will be friendly, I am very feminine but honestly I think I have an approachable almost innocent face (I've noticed that women tend to open up to me quickly too) so that as long as the man isn't drunk, he may flirt back and make it clear he is attracted, but in an appropriate way. Men typically don't curse in front of me or treat me like "one of the boys" but at the same time I am treated like I am intelligent and they are interested in my career/profession. When I did on line dating I made it clear that i was looking for a serious relationship leading to marriage and family. If I am not sure if the man is on the same page, I ask him questions about his family because that gives me a clue to what he thinks in general about marriage. I might mention a wedding I am going to or the volunteer work I do with children. I would not go out with someone more than 4 times unless I knew that in general marriage/family was a goal (obviously I wouldn't expect any specifics as to whether I was that person!) And yes I do dress in a flattering, feminine way but not in a way that screams "sexy." Not sure if this was helpful - it's worked for me (well, it "is" who I am so it's not much work!)
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I would want it disclosed in the profile or at minimum in the first e-mail or phone call as long as a lot of emails are not exchanged. I once met someone in person who had severe paralysis and scarring down one side of his face and neck with distorted features. His photo was taken from the profile of the "normal" side of his face. While I understood why he omitted to tell me I am glad I am a good actress and hid my shock but I thought in general it was unfair of him not to tell me in advance so I could be prepared or decide not to meet him and as it turned out I had to come to terms with the fact that no, I was not the right person to be able to deal with that type of disability in the long term. I thought he seemed like a lovely person and it was really difficult for me to be honest with myself about his disability being a dealbreaker. I did not tell him that that was the reason and since he thought it was fine to omit telling me I didn't feel I needed to be brutally honest (and also why unnecesarily hurt him). I have declined to meet others with disabilities - one person used a wheelchair and the other had been hundreds of pounds overweight, just had gastric bypass surgery and was not quite stable emotionally or physically because of his lifelong obesity and the effects of the surgery. Seemed like a lovely guy, not right for me for a relationship. So, if you choose not to disclose prior to meeting in person, you may put the person in a very awkward and uncomfortable position and this could cloud and negatively impact his ability to get to know you.
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I would question the character and sincerity of a person who was in a relationship yet kept a myspace profile public or accessible to those who would think it appropriate to add these comments and/or someone who wouldn't automatically delete those comments (i.e. delete them because of course even with all precautions that can happen) or block the person. I can sort of understand why a person in his or her 20's would want to keep a myspace account even if there is a significant other but there are ways to restrict access and if this is not being done I would question the person's character. I have a myspace account - there is no photo, it is private, it says I'm in a relationship and I have it to make sure that my two young nieces are staying safe and appropriate on myspace. They link to my profile.
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Watch the feet - what he does - not the lips - what he says. What does "I love you" really mean if he behaves unreliably?
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I think it's a case by case basis - it depends on the seriousness of what was done, how long ago, how the person reacted to what she/he did and what changes he/she has made since then. Absolutely it could affect my judgment of his or her character and change the friendship dramatically or end it. I also would need to know depending on what it was why I hadn't been told earlier - such as if we had discussed faithfulness in a relationship and he declined to tell me he had had an affair in the past, that would not only be a problem dealing with his past, but a present lie.
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Is there any point in texting/calling a guy first?
Batya33 replied to usababe's topic in Dating Advice
At the moment he may have thought he wanted to call you. Things change - he may have met another girl, decided that it was easier just to run into you (since it was the second time, and the first time he didn't ask for your number), or he may have realized he wasn't that interested. These days with cell phones, etc it's easy to ask for a number - no need to get a pen usually. Typically, with few exceptions, a guy who is that interested will make contact at least within a few days after meeting. My advice - stop going to bars every wekeend if you are interested in meeting someone for a long term relationship. It is possible to meet a man in a bar but way more possible to meet someone looking for a relationship through an activity (gym, sports, hiking, community theater, etc) orvolunteer work or at work. And, that way you can meet friends of those people which if it happens in a bar typically means they are drunk or the focus is on partying/getting drunk. Outside of the bar - on a real date - you might find that Mr. Gorgeous and you have nothing in common - at least if you meet through a common positive activity you have that to talk about and not just trading drinking stories. As an aside, Mr. Gorgeous can only have the girls who focus on "Gorgeous" (if that is one of his best qualities) - consider where gorgeous falls on your list of priorities in a man. If you're looking for a trophy guy in the sense that his looks are so great that people will ooh and ahh you might find that in a bar, at least for the short term. I personally wouldn't be attracted to someone beyond the first 2 minutes who was gorgeous unless we had similar values, things in common and could laugh together. What about you? -
Good luck to you!
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I'm not so sure then why you're voicing your opinions on marriage. If you read the rest of the thread, there are several who inquired as to her marriage-related plans. Thanks for the invitation to start my own thread - never would have thought of that without you - not. ;-) Thanks for sharing your opinions on the relevance of marriage. As I mentioned above, I respectfully disagree and find support for my opinion in many studies that have been done on the best interests of the child. As I also said I did not voice my opinions in order to claim I am "right"- they are just opinions. I also respectfully disagree that her situation is a stable one into which to bring a child. Of course I wish her the best as far as giving birth to a healthy child and in creating a stable environment in which to raise her children.
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I think one difference here is that I am not trying to be right - just giving my opinion. I understand that you believe your definition of marriage, commitment, and common law marriage is the "right" definition and that I am wrong. You are entitled to that view of course but I just want to make clear that unlike you, I am not claiming my definitions are "right" or judging your definitions as "wrong" just that they are my view of commitment and the best interests of the child. In any event it could be that where we each live, the legalities of the marital commitment differ. Where I live the financial obligations of one person to another do differ under the law where the persons are married as opposed to living together (there is no common law marriage recognized where I live). Perhaps it is different where you live. I also respectfully disagree that a discussion of marriage was irrelevant to the OP's thread. Indeed, I think it is highly relevant to discuss the legal relationship between the parents - or lack thereof - when there is a child involved and/or the decision on whether to have a child. I am glad your relationship has lasted and works for you.
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I respect your opinion and when it comes to the best interests of children, I respectfully disagree that it doesn't matter as far as their best interests whether there is a legal commitment between the two parents. I also disagree that marriage is just a piece of paper. I do agree that it is far better for the children to live in a situation where the parents have been together for years such that it is likely a common law arrangement (in some states) than in a situation, like that of the OP where she had to convince her boyfriend to have another child and it sounds like she got pregnant before he was fully ready. I also agree that there is a continuum of arrangements as far as what is in the best interests of the children. In addition, I think it is important to show children the role model of a stable marriage but again, that's just me and I do not judge others' opinions or decisions on that front.
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It's simple. Watch the feet, not the lips - what he does, not what he says.
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Of course you have your own opinions and I respectfully disagree. In my view a child deserves at minimum a two-parent stable home where the parents are committed to each other legally as well as emotionally. You disagree with that premise which of course is fine. I am probably mistaken about the first child's father although it troubles me that her boyfriend had to be convinced to have another child. I look at it entirely from the perspective of the best interests of the child, not whether the parents are ready to get married or otherwise. We agree that people who are not ready to be married should not get married, we just disagree on whether those who are not ready to get married (or otherwise legally committed) are acting in the best interests of their children when they decide to have children in that situation.
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I guess my view would be that if you cannot provide a two-parent stable committed family, then why have a baby and/or why not give the baby up for adoption to a stable family. It is not just society's norm, it is borne out by statistics that a two-parent stable committed home is better for the child's well being - I'm not just referring to tradition or convention but health and safety. Obviously you can do your own research/have your own opinions if you wish. Sounds to me like a situation where there is already a child from another relationship, now a second child and the father of course is legally obligated to pay child support to the second child but has no legal obligations to the mother whatsoever. Doesn't sound very stable to me, but again that's just me.
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I would say do not do that unless you have the cash up front for those expenses. Sounds like she loves him enough to give up her job, he doesn't seem to be lifting a finger to make the place livable for her.
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Is there any point in texting/calling a guy first?
Batya33 replied to usababe's topic in Dating Advice
Of course the men would be delighted if women did most of the pursuing in the beginning or even throughout. But, my best prediction is that those would not be the women they choose to marry or have a long term exclusive relationship with. For a woman who just wants a man around with no concerns about an exclusive relationship leading to marriage, pursuing men is probably a fine idea. For those who do, however, times haven't changed much at all in my opinion and I live in a major city where most of the men and women I know are educated professionals. When I start to see any long term happy healthy relationships where the woman did most of the pursuing in the beginning (never have seen one) I would be happy to take the initiative - I have asked out men and it's not easy but it's more than doable. For now though, it's not an effective way to reach my goal. -
Since you have been renting where you live, rent your own apartment in his area - or within a reasonable driving distance and continue to date him. I would not move there unless you have a full time job already or jobs are plentiful there. You're putting yourself in a very dependent and vulnerable position for no good reason -- do you want to marry this guy? Does he want to marry you? If the problem is the distance that is easily solved without moving in. It will be worth every penny of the rent.
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I guess my question is how is it that you are ready to bring a child into this world into a situation where you and the father are not legally committed, but you are not ready to marry the father? I wish you the best with your pregnancy and with deciding how best to act in the best interests of your children.
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The "user friendly" kind of relationship... really impossible?
Batya33 replied to Baby Carrot's topic in Relationship Advice
The problem is most people lie to themselves - more often women - that they can handle nsa s_x - typically the woman develops feelings, conveniently forgets that she agreed to casual, nsa and then suddenly the man is a jerk when he wants to continue nsa. It's typically playing with fire and not worth the temporary pleasure. Of course you can choose not to react to changing feelings but the risk is numbness and distancing yourself from who you really are and what's the point? -
Is there any point in texting/calling a guy first?
Batya33 replied to usababe's topic in Dating Advice
I typically will not initiate contact if we swap numbers but I am friendly and approachable. Sure, it might be old fashioned but I have yet to see a happy, healthy long term relationship where the woman did most of the pursuing in the beginning - sure asking a man out for a drink or calling him even though you swapped numbers is not "most of the pursuing" but typically I agree with those who say that that the ball is in the man's court. I also think it is somewhat unusual for a relationship to develop out of an encounter at a bar that includes kissing, or out of a one night stand. When it comes to that I know of several exceptions but know of many more stories where the man or woman was under the impression that it was just a drunken kiss or hook up. -
I don't want to sound cliche but .. . . you need to get a life. Make sure you are very busy with work, hobbies, friends, volunteer work, whatever. it sounds like you're obsessing over every pretty girl that smiles at you and the result likely will be that a normal person will be overwhelmed by you - either by what you say or your body language - if you do get a more balanced life your perspective on peoples' reactions to you will be more balanced and you won't read into these so-called signs. Her job is to get high tips for her services - she is trained to be friendly. Sure, she might be interested in you - but just as likely she is interested in doing a good job which requires being very social and charming with the customers.