Batya33

It's up to him to block her texts. Stay out of it. How do you feel about the amount he parties?

I think your email says too much - why does he get to hear all of that when he has been so unreliable? I would simply write: Steve, Thanks for your e-mail. At this point I don't have time for an "e-mail buddy" or penpal. As you know, I was serious about meeting in person. At this point my impression is that you are not, which is fine, but is not compatible with what I am looking for. Take care. All the best,____." You have no idea who this stranger really is so the more you say and put him on the defensive the more vulnerable you are to getting hassled by him (and he knows what you look like and where you live, right?) I do not buy his $ excuses for a second - a date can be a walk in the park. If he truly has serious $ issues such that he can't even afford the gas to come and meet you then he is probably not in a position to be in a relationship right now. A graceful exit - be a lady about it - is my vote. No need to hammer the points home because they will fall on deaf ears and makes you too vulnerable to harassing responses.

I think it's fine (and agree re Eharmony and with what RayKay said about online dating in general) as long as you are honest from the get go that right now you are not looking for a serious relationship. Many people on that site are. I wasn't comfortable with the "I am not looking for a serious relationship but you never know . .. " since even those looking for a serious relationship "never know" where something might lead. Rather, I would be completely up front. Also, if you are not looking for something that becomes quickly physical, make that clear too since often the "just looking for friends" is interpreted by women who are more conservative/traditional as "just looking to hook up." There definitely are women who are conservative/traditional yet not looking for something serious (for example they may be in a challenging new job or grad school) but they may be turned off if there is even a hint of "looking for a fling" in your profile. Good luck!

For me it's been a pattern in basically all my long term relationships and so the answer is "no" - never really figured out the root although I know it is a very different feeling than when I "know" at the beginning that there is something "wrong" or very "off" about the person - in those cases I might feel tense but I also feel quite comfortable ending things early because it seems at least somewhat clear what the cause is (such as lack of attraction, noticing too much insecurity/clinginess, not feeling comfortable being myself). I see that we have different perspectives on sharing feelings. For me - being open goes hand in hand with considering the other person's feelings, so that I will - to protect another person - not express something or not express something in a different way so as to protect the other person from unecessary hurt (or I might express it at a different time if the person is going through a hard time at that moment - having a hard day or needs me to be there for him). For example, if I felt repelled by someone's looks (whether man or woman) and I was asked "what do you think of my looks?" I could never see myself saying "your looks repulse me." I would not lie and say "you're gorgeous!" but I would find a way not to lie and yet not to express exactly what I was feeling at that moment. Also, with anxiety, since it comes and goes for me in these situations, to share that with another person at that very moment seems unproductive - it might pass in a minute or so or by tomorrow but the person who is hearing it might not appreciate that or trust that it will pass. In my situations, sharing that level of particularity has created distance and eroded intimacy and done permanent damage. On the other hand, if I simply say "I need some space now" or "I am just feeling down right now" that is enough for me to get the space I need and not subject the other person to something he can do nothing about. And, if the person can tell when something is bothering me I will agree that something is and say that I will be fine and need to deal with my feelings myself - that there is nothing he can do at the moment to help (which is true - sure, he can hold me and reassure me - but as I mentioned that seems selfish to me because it is so hurtful to him to see me that way and not know what to do other than knowing it has "something" to do with the relationship or him_. Again that's just me. I am still in the relationship I am in (dating about a year now) and the anxiety actually is far less and far less frequent than it was with my long term ex. Yes of course I am concerned about what the root of it is but since I now see how it often is unrelated to anything that could possibly be wrong, and see what alleviates it, it makes it easier to take. It comes down to whether the loving feelings are stronger than the anxiety or the fear. I will say that by expressing my anxiety to my ex many times over - and as you know it can come at inconvenient times, etc - I did so much damage to that relationship - he became very distant from me of course because he was afraid of being hurt yet again by my acting out my anxiety. I will never know if, had I handled that differently - decided not to subject him to every description of every fear and anxious moment - we could have made it work and he would not have become so distant. I don't blame him one bit. All relationships are individual so if the 'telling all" approach is working for you and your boyfriend, that is great. .

Yes - it can seem sad if seen as a "loss" - but there are gains - like a different level of intimacy with someone you already love deeply. I assume you feel the same sadness for men as well as women? If not, why?

Hmmmm - I don't believe in sharing feelings in the name of "openness" where sharing will hurt the other person unecesarily. It is totally fine to tell him where you stand - that you want to take things slow, perhaps keep your options open. But to tell him that you're anxious - and you are not sure why - what is the point of telling him - what is he supposed to do with that information other than rack his brain trying to come up with a way to reassure you (which won't work anyway). Ask yourself the tough question about whether you are truly acting in his best interests when you do that or whether it is so you won't feel guilty if you end things and/or because it feels good to let it out. As far as not being able to control love - well, ok, you can't control when the magic hits you I suppose but if you think of loving as giving why not try being giving - even if you're not particularly inspired to be - and see how that makes you feel about you and about him. Instead of having long conversations analyzing your emotional temperature out loud to him, see what it is you can do to make his life more fun or more fulfilling. One time about 6-7 months ago i was feeling the same type of anxiety you were - and yes I started to share that with my boyfriend. I didn't get very far. Unrelated to what I was saying (I hadn't said much of anything yet) he all of a sudden got a really bad headache and felt awful. He had to lie down. For the next hour, I focused on helping him feel better - and I was successful. Not only did my anxiety go away, I felt so close to him because I was literally healing him with my touch and my words. I was other-directed instead of over analyzing every twinge of anxiety. Try it.

I have found myself like that at times - grasping on to a three word email like "how are you" as some sort of sign "he called!" - and looking back, that is when you know that you need to take a real step back. To me a relationship is casual if the people involved are allowed to see other people - at best it is "dating" - with very few exceptions. That's the problem here - you were intimate with him and now you presume it is serious. Was he thinking of you? Obviously - but I don't see it as a positive sign. A man who wants to make sure a woman knows where she stands in his life won't just send a three word text after not being in touch most of the weekend and behaving unreliably - he will want to make sure she knows she is cared for. The text messaging is a bad habit for right now - in my humble opinion - it takes him off the hook from putting in any real effort to be in touch with you. It's fine once you're in a serious relationship, you know where you stand and texting is done to check in like "I'll be home late tonight." You're having to ask people who know him whether he is dating anyone - so, you're willing to give him your body but you don't feel comfortable asking him precisely where you stand? I don't get it. And anyway, your friend wouldn't necesarily know what he does when he's not with you and if I were your friend I wouldn't want to be in that position because it gets annoying and what if I was wrong? Honestly, he doesn't sound worth your while - no one is justified from behaving unreliably or disrespectfully - even if they need space.

Here is what I would do. First, don't share your anxiety with him unless it is something he is doing that he can stop doing or do differently. He will get nervous and won't know what to do other than back off. If your anxiety is such that you can't be giving to him, be a good listener, etc then tell him that you can't talk right then - that you are just not in a great mood but you will call him back, etc. Telling him probably feels like you're relieving the anxiety but remember even though he wants to reassure you, he can't and it will confuse him. In short, it is kind of selfish to subject him to it (having been there myself). His showering you with compliments might be his reaction to you pulling away - making him feel clingy/needy. Also maybe don't talk to him every night - give yourself a chance to breathe, to miss him, to experience him as more of a challenge. Sometimes when I have been anxious it has been because the guy is too insecure/needy, I am sensing that and that is a turn off. Sometimes it is just irrational fear. Try this - tell him you want to take things slow. Speak every other day at most, see him 2-3 times a week, at most for the next two months. See if you miss him when you are apart or at least feel more interest in seeing him. It could be with this guy that it was mostly the thrill of the chase and now that he is almost too available you are wondering whether this is from a position of strength or neediness.

"For example... if you get into a lot of social situations where most of the people there you are meeting for the first time (such as a bar) then it is initial attraction that rules the day. You would be taking a risk entering into a relationship in the hope of it being a slow-burner when you didn't know the person beforehand because the chances of it turning out right would be even lower than with initial attraction." I pretty much and respectfully disagree. I know of many relationships where on first meeting there was little if no attraction and the same was true for the first few dates, then "boom" something changed, the attraction was powerful and it lead to a happy/healthy marriage. On the flip side I know of plenty of examples with this magical initial attraction (including personal experiences) where, upon getting to know the person it was obviously "twinkie love' - my term for sweet but no substance.

Ok - sounds like he wants to keep his options open. You should too. In those circumstances, time to stop acting like the "girlfriend" and allowing him to have daily contact with you - slow things done such that you respond to his calls and texts far more than you initiate and respond promptly only when he calls to ask you out for a proper date in advance that he plans. He doesn't get to have his cake - all the fun "couple" stuff without being exclusive. And- you say you are happy with the situation but your reaction to his not asking you to join him on the boat sounded like you expect him to be like an exclusive boyfriend who invites you to all the couple stuff. As hard as it is he may have wanted to be there alone so that he could be open to meeting others. Self-protect!

Just keep in mind the respect element. You are having to guess and speculate as to why he didn't call, why he didn't invite you, why he called you when he did. To me, respect on his part would mean not leaving you hanging and when he called apologizing for being out of touch and letting you know directly that while he had a good time with his friends and needed time with his friends, he is thinking of you and looking forward to seeing you.

Doesn't sound like slow and easy -sounds more like unreliability and mediocre interest on his side. Sounds like you have done more of the initiating and been more reliable than he has so he is now accustomed to you being available whenever he happens to call without any repercussions from you for (once again) not following through on his promise to call. I don't let friends treat me like that (i.e. not call with no explanation and expect me to be free when they get around to it) and thereforeeee I wouldn't let someone I might want to be intimate with treat me like that. Here is what I would do. First of all, don't play games; rather, be busy with plans either with yourself (as in a plan to read a great book/work out/garden - take yourself out to dinner) or others so that when he calls the next time you say "wow - great to hear from you - would love to get together but I am busy this weekend - perhaps another time?" See what he says. In my humble opinion, it was a mistake to invite him over to hang out - to me that shows a man too much neediness and might be interpreted as you wanting to be sexual (even though he was a gentleman, do you want to give that impression?). I also wouldn't do the girlfriend/wifey thing with bringing him coffee because again you are making yourself available to someone who is not reciprocating and has not given you that status in his life. Let him come to you.

I agree with Raykay and Ren, I saw your post on the we met on enotalone thread where you described it as an enotalone success story. If you mean that enotalone allowed two people to meet and have a lovely weekend together, ok, sure, that's true. but my guess is you meant "success" because they met and believe they are "in love." If that is your definition of success that is fine too but that has little to do with having a serious long term relationship. Who knows if they will still be dating in two weeks, two months, two years - their feelings now are lovely and sweet and precious but they have no idea if they have what it takes for the long term and likely won't know that for another 6 months. Many people can fall in love in the beginning - a lot of that is luck and timing, some of that is openness - but I don't define that as "success" as far as whether it will be a healthy and happy long term relationship. Do you?

The current medical knowledge is that the pill has certain benefits to women and it is well known that once you go off it it does not affect fertility even if you've been on it for years and there is some knowledge that it can have a positive impact. true, it might take a few months after going off to have your cycle and ovulation back to normal, but that is easy to plan for.

I don't think our personal opinions help. Each relationship has its own routine. If my boyfriend or me needed "space" we would tell each other "I'm not available this weekend" in advance so the other person could make other plans (this has never happened but I know that that is how it would be). He would never be out of a touch for an entire day unless I knew that in advance and he would be right to be angry at me if I was (because he would worry that I wasn't well or that I was in some kind of danger, that's how odd it would be). It's because we want to be together but also out of respect for each other's time and precious free time. And, we happen to love talking to each other. But I must reiterate - that is just me and my relationship. The point is respect and comfort - however you two work out the calling and planning thing it has to work for both of you and make both of you feel respected enough. It doesn't work if one person feels smothered, or always obligated to call (although sometimes I call him to let him know I got home safely - out of obligation - but I tell him that I am just checking in and we keep it short). it also doesn't work if one of you is waiting around under the impression that a call is coming. What I do when a man seems to need space is I give it to him - except at least three times more space than he seemed to want. Without being obnoxious about it, say very nicely to him and nonchalantly - if he asks to see you - that you are busy this weekend. Do not share what you are doing or with whom and do not say that it is " * * * for tat" - just say "wow I wish I could see you this weekend but I already made plans. hopefully we can see each other next weekend."

Reading your post made me relieved that I am past that point of seeing any relevance in "hot men" -my friends rarely mention how "hot" a man is or crush on "hot" guys - once in a blue moon it will come up in connection with a celebrity but it is a passing remark. I care about looks though - I need to be proud of who I am with and part of that has to do with looks - he has to carry himself in a confident way, be friendly/warm looking and have a clean cut look. I prefer to be the better looking one because I agree that men are more visual. Sure, I can go weak in the knees if I meet someone "hot" - but what I find in general is that all relationships have trade offs - my essential criteria have a lot more to do with values, character, intelligence and wit than with looks so I am willing to compromise on looks. I don't relate much to women who go on and on about their boyfriend's physical attributes. I am far more proud to be with someone who is charming, warm, genuine and intelligent than "hot" looking.

It sounds like the problem here is that you equate instant attraction with a sign that you should move forward with the particular guy. I wouldn't give it as much weight as you do. Of course he could turn out to be a great guy, but just because you feel instant attraction doesn't change the fact that he's a total stranger. You have absolutely no idea what he is like on the inside, it's just that the initial chemistry makes you think you do. Following with that flawed premise - that instant attraction gives relevant information -- you are "disappointed" when the reality is inconsistent with your initial impression. Instead, if your mind set is "he seems attractive, we seem to have chemistry, and over the next 3-6 months I will learn whether he has qualities that are compatible with mine." That way there is nothing inconsistent - nothing to be disappointed about - because you will put your initial attraction in its proper place - an initial, hormonally-based attraction to a complete stranger. On the other hand, while you shouldn't pursue people you are repelled by, you are discounting the "slow pot to boil" situations, where you feel no initial attraction but you are not repelled either. Definitely not as exciting or thrilling but if your goal is to connect with someone and you don't feel repelled, why not give that person a sincere chance to get to know you and then, if after 4 or 5 dates over at least a 4 week period you don't feel any spark, then move on. Ask yourself the hard question about whether what you are really attracted to is the rush, the thrill of instant attraction rather than really wanting a solid relationship which might start out slowly. Your hormones might pick the guys who are not good for you but if you give Mr. Maybe a sincere chance, you might find that with your head involved in addition to hormones, you will make a more compatible choice.

What I do in a new relationship is make sure to remind myself that it is new, to take things slow (typically I don't have sex in the first three months) and to keep my life basically the way it was - keep on going to the gym, doing my volunteer work, seeing my friends. Often I see people who insist it is love at first sight, they stop seeing their friends, etc put their lives on hold and if it doesn't work out they are devastated. I also have several examples in the last few years of friends who got engaged after about 4 months of dating and are perfectly happy. For me, it is worth it - I am 40, have been dating/in serious relationships for 25 years (!) and I don't think I am jaded or cynical, mostly because I act consistently with my values and standards and typically get treated very well by the men I date and get involved with. I have had 4 relationships end in the two-four month period over the last 5 years - most because it was then that I discovered a major character flaw - serious anger management issue, a drinking problem, overly controlling. It didn't stop me from wanting to try again with someone else.

My view - from a personal perspective. Reliability is a top priority in my friendships and relationships. I have an extremely demanding job and so do most of my friends and the men I have dated/been in relationships with. When I started dating men with demanding jobs it was over 15 years ago- there were no cell phones, IMs, texts, etc- there was just the phone and answering machines. It didn't make a difference. Reliable people made absolutely sure they would keep you posted as to what was going on with the plans unless it was a true emergency (and I can count the number of times on one hand that happened to me). On the other hand, you were not clear with him about what you wanted and I wonder why - why not be direct and ask him to go to the wedding instead of being roundabout/wishy washy? That's a bit of a game too, right? Having said that, he sounds unreliable. His work is no excuse - obviously he knows how to be reliable at work or he wouldn't have a stable business. Your decision is whether you accept that about him and remember it won't get better unless he is motivated to change. I usually give a new boyfriend a few chances if he is unreliable. Then, that's it - I cut him loose. My time is too valuable to make plans that are cancelled at the last minute or blown off unless it is an emergency, or due to illness of some kind, etc. Of course, advance notice usually is just fine so that my time is respected and I can make other plans or if the plans are tentative in the first place that's usually fine too. I have not had a problem adhering to these standards and in fact I think I am respected more by people - including boyfriends - because of it. It's very nice that you want to help him in his business and make dinner for his colleagues. Sounds like he is not reciprocating and believes that he can not respond to your calls or blow you off and you will still be there for him. Is that what you want? I hope not. Good luck.

Basically, you have to be willing to work with people at your company whether you define that as game playing or not - if that is repugnant to you that's fine but then it's probably not the right career/job for you. It's counterproductive, in my humble opinion, to take such a negative view if you want to get ahead in your chosen job/career. Rather, why not consider whether you are taking that attitude as an excuse for not developing the skills necessary to excel at your job/career. If you consider that and truly believe "it's not me it's them" then consider finding a job where you feel your skills are put to good use.

if he's so willing to lie about his age, what else is he willing to lie about?

I don't think your example is an example of "dating." He didn't ask you out on a date he planned in advance, etc. (or even vice versa). You fooled around with a guy who happened to be in the same place at the same time - he didn't have to put in any effort to do that and thereforeeee he doesn't need to call you - he knows that the next time you run into each other, you might very well be available to hook up again. Dating is hard - it is like a part time job at times. Sometimes it can be fun. It all depends what your goal is. If your goal is to have a relationship, it is a means to an end. But, typically relationships don't start from hooking up with someone at a bar - even someone you know. And I wouldn't text - if you want to call someone then call directly - don't hide behind texting.