Batya33

You're welcome. Consider whether it is fair for you to control who your boyfriend is platonic friends with - whether this boyfriend or another. You are entitled to expect that but my guess is there are more than a few men who would not want that level of control . .. .

I never said a man would "dimiss" a woman for kissing on the first date - what I did say was that some men might be confused as to a woman's intentions if she fools around with him before they are even properly dating. That's not the same thing at all. LOL - I know many artists and hipsters and I never understood someone's chosen hobby, interest, profession or creative bent to affect one's values about relationships and how to treat another person. My last serious boyfriend (before this one) was a very active artist and he was traditional when it came to dating. I know many like him. I also have dated other creative types/hipsters as you call them who, when they met me and got to know me just a little bit, realized that I wanted to be treated a certain way and were more than happy to oblige out of interest in me as well as respect. So, I respectfully disagree with your link between artists and moving fast with respect to dating, etc. As I mentioned above, I think he will call if he is interested in continuing to hook up with you. As you said, you are not sure if it is just a fling so it's reasonable to assume neither is he and thereforeeee he sees no urgency in calling right away (in part because you were willing to kiss, etc before he asked you out so some of that challenge is gone, if you care about that sort of thing). I find generally that when men see potential for the long term they get more conservative in their approach - whether artist or otherwise ;-). Most of the men I date have raised the subject of long term potential within the first two dates - i.e. they want to make sure I know that they are not interested in just a fling, in general. I believe that people can't have it both ways when it comes to dating and I am seeing from your subsequent posts that neither do you. If you take a casual approach to dating - nothing wrong with that - can be loads of fun - you have to be prepared for the same treatment back meaning no typical "courting" schedule for lack of a better term. The reason I care when a guy calls again is because I won't date someone who I don't see long term potential with so they way I am treated in the beginning is important to my evaluating whether we have compatible values. I have no hard or fast rules, but if guy didn't call me fairly soon after a date I would want to know the reasons why - if he gave me no reason I might very well see him again but probably not more than once unless he stepped up to the plate on his own without my having to "teach" him how to treat me (since at least in my experience, most of the men I have dated know pretty much what's expected in the early stages as far as calling and planning).

When was the last time you were tested? Are you aware that the test for AIDS is not accurate unless you've abstained for at least 6 months?

All sounds good. Think back to the ones you were giddy about - was part of the reason - maybe - because they weren't as good a match for you and thereforeeee there wasn't a fear of this actually being long term? Or, put another way, did you find them more exciting because there was a bit of "bad boy" or some "taboo" habit or trait they had? Sounded like you were fairly giddy/excited when he hadn't called you yet.

To me a fling is where the people involved do not see much potential for a future but want someone to be physical or intimate. Dating is more formal - the man typically asks the woman out in advance and they go out in public - the focus is not on fooling around. Most of the time the people who are dating see at least some potential for the long term but if they don't, they continue to do activities together as a couple. As far as you wanting a fling my suspicion is that if you only wanted a fling you wouldn't care much whether he called or when he would call. You would know he would call if he felt like hooking up again - the typical "dating rules" about calling would not apply. Definitely men do marry women they are intimate with before they date them. For me, a man who made a habit of doing that would not have values that were compatible with mine. I also would be far more concerned about STD's because there is less likely to be testing and a waiting period if necessary to make sure the tests were accurate - sounds far more casual and that would be of concern to me.

That's just an old fashioned game played by those who want to avoid face to face rejection. I try never to judge whether I would be attracted from a photo - there are extremes - where I know for sure it wouldn't work (such as someone who has long hair, tattoos, is grossly obese, etc) or where I am bowled over but I have been bowled over by photos but not in person because the person lacked spark/personality. I have been on well over a hundred blind dates - some phenomenal, some awful, many in between. As far as meeting someone where you're on the fence I think there's a way to meet up and diplomatically express that it's not a date, such as meeting for lunch during the work day which can go either way. I have done that and it seems to work out.

I still think that's the wrong focus - focusing on the woman distracts you from the real issue - trust. This situation will recur and worsen unless you deal with him, not her. She is just a symbol of your insecurity and the general trust issues. I can think of examples where a married or otherwise committed man could meet a woman in a bar and just be platonic friends. You may win this one battle - he will stop talking to her - but it will do nothing to resolve the underlying issues.

We have different interpretations. I'll clarify. I would avoid kissing someone romantically before you have gone out on at least one proper date (where he asks in advance and plans the date) unless you are interested in just a fling. There is too much of a risk of mixed signals as to your intentions with your approach. Just my humble opinion.

Calm down and please don't call her. The only person you should be dealing with on this is your boyfriend. Trust is essential to a relationship so focus on repairing that between the two of you - she is irrelevant. Tell him very calmly that unless she is 100% aware that he has a serious girlfriend, accepts that and is willing to meet you, you will not be comfortable with the friendship.

I'd say give it until next Tuesday. I have been on many dates with perfect chemistry on both sides where the guy never called. In my experience usually a guy who is really interested will make a specific plan for the next date while on the date or will call within 48 hours at the outside (usually the next day). Sometimes men get confused by the transition from just fooling around to going on a real date so if you are interested in dating in the traditional sense - with potential for a relationship, I would wait until a man asks you out in advance on a proper date before being intimate. That's just me! Everyone has a different view on these things, it seems - who knows who is right . .. .

The difference for me is I am willing to endure one or two dates that are boring or feel like a part time job as long as the guy is a gentleman, smart and seems to have compatible values with me. I know people where it takes some time for their true personalities to come through. Sometimes nerves impeded them from being "intriguing." If I remain bored on date two then, no I likely would not see the person again. I call it my "on the fence" standard - my mindset after a first date like that. If that happens I will try to plan the second date to be shorter, during the day, in between other plans, etc.

Are you ready to be a daddy and/or a carrier/giver of an STD? Even if you use protection, the more women you sleep with the higher the risk. Also, and this is probably not politically correct, think about whether you want eventually to marry a woman with more traditional or old fashioned values. If you discuss your past - or she learns from the women around town -- she may not be comfortable with that. For me, it wouldn't be a dealbreaker (particularly if it occurred during college) but it would make me uncomfortable and certainly more concerned about STD's.

What I would do is spend more time finding activities - and people to do those activities with- that are fun and do not include getting buzzed or drunk. Sounds like you are interested in this guy beyond an occasional drunken hook up. Most people I know - with exceptions (!) will not choose the drunken hook up person for a serious relationship no matter how nice she/he is when she's/he's sober and how much fun. I don't think he's a jerk at all - he probably assumes that the two of you have little in common unless you're drunk and looking to hook up - and assumes that you are fine with that scenario.

For me to go on a second date with someone (if the first date was a set up or through on line) I have to feel comfortable speaking to the person, think he is reasonably attractive/presentable and where I could imagine holding hands with or kissing the person at a future time. If I feel repelled, then by definition there is no attraction. Between repulsion and head over heels, there is a broad range for me. I know of some people who will not go on a second date unless they are completely bowled over where they can't sleep all night from the excitement. That is not me - I don't need to reach that level to give the person a chance to get to know me, and me to get to know him. I will admit it is hard to articulate what is meant by "true attraction." If I only feel "friendship" type attraction/comfort I won't go beyond date four, if that. I also will add that it has little to do with physical looks and a lot to do with the person's presense -how he carries himself - whether he sparkles (both personality and looks) - has confidence but not arrogance, etc. This is why the bar scene never really worked for me - I need to talk one on one in a setting where we can have a real conversation and it is not a "meat market."

Thanks for sharing. We have different interpretations of open and honest. To me, open and honest does not mean "telling all" when it will unnecesarily hurt the other person. For example, I would not share with my boyfriend that someone flirted with me because he might worry even though there was nothing to worry about. Sometimes I find - not saying so in your case - that people label information as "open" and "honest" when their real motives are to make the other person jealous or feed their ego because they are insecure. In short, to me "open and honest' should be balanced with tact, empathy and thoughtfulness. In my humble opinion, don't focus on these text messages or on any woman that contacts him. There seem to be deeper issues of trust here and of trying to repair trust. Focus on those because those are the issues that have to be resolved, not whether someone texts him. If a woman texted my boyfriend and I happened to see it I would assume that he was completely trustworthy and I would trust him to react appropriately and deal with it appropriately. You seem not to be so sure of this.

Why is he telling you when she texts and why are you looking at his phone? Sounds to me like there is no good reason for him to share that with you because it just will upset you and he can deal with it on his own if he truly wants it to stop.

I would never date someone I didn't feel attracted to. I would go on a date with someone for whom I didn't feel a huge attraction to from the get go (some potential for a spark would be sufficient) - I don't need that strong chemistry to just go on one date and before I was attached I would often be set up on blind dates and go on a date with a complete stranger. I would not go on more than a few dates with someone I didn't feel a true attraction for but I would continue on even if the attraction wasn't head over heels.

As I repeated several times, my opinion was my personal one - my observation was that you seemed uncomfortable with your status with him. For whatever reason, others' personal opinions make you react defensively about your status with him. You cannot expect me or anyone else to read your up/down/in the middle emotional posts that ask for advice without concluding that you feel insecure about your status. Also it is hard to tell tone from a post of course. It all comes down to you. You have made it clear that you feel comfortable being intimate where the man is allowed to see other people if he wants as long as he is not doing so at the present time, has told you that it is not casual and has told you that he is not yet ready for the "boyfriend" title. You also have made it clear that you are willing to excuse his behavior over the last several days. You also have made it clear that you are happy with how things are now given his communication with you over the last few days. That's all great and anyone else's opinion on how you should react to these events - including my opinion - is irrelevant. Maybe that's the best thing you've discovered - not to seek advice/input about your relationship from others on a message board because it doesn't seem to work for you. Good luck!

It's hard to follow your post because on the one hand you claim you are exclusive but on the other you claim you want some sort of "title." We just have different definitions of exclusive - to me it means when a man says that he is not dating anyone else and is closing off the option of dating anyone else. If all I had to go on was him telling me it was "not casual" and telling my friend that I didn't "have to worry" that would give me no comfort at all. For me two months is enough time to date someone before deciding whether to be exclusive. But that's just me - as long as you are comfortable with the status of the relationship that's fine. It sounds like you are very uncomfortable (or at least, were) because of the conclusions you jumped to from his failure to call you or invite you out this weekend. If you truly believed you had nothing to worry about why did you react the way you did? I am not trying to be right or tell you that your relationship is healthy or unhealthy, just observing that your posts seem to be inconsistent from what you write here. My guess is the more he pulls away, is unreliable, refuses to put a "label" on what you have (despite being all too willing to be intimate with you) the more attractive and desirable he seems to be. I think it's great that you have a time after which you will end it if he doesn't step up to the plate - shows a great deal of self respect on your part.

Why not just tell him - if this works for you - that for right now you are not able to give him what he deserves in a relationship and that you don't plan on dating anyone else while you take care of you. Of course he can do what he pleases but you will contact him when you feel more clarity and hopefully you can resume at that time. As far as the St. John's Wort, I have read and heard different things than you have but that doesn't mean what I have read is correct. I don't think the fact that it is herbal makes it any better than a prescription drug and could be far worse because of the lack of oversight and monitoring, the inconsistent dosages that might be in each bottle or pill, etc.

It's up to him to block her texts. Stay out of it. How do you feel about the amount he parties?

I think your email says too much - why does he get to hear all of that when he has been so unreliable? I would simply write: Steve, Thanks for your e-mail. At this point I don't have time for an "e-mail buddy" or penpal. As you know, I was serious about meeting in person. At this point my impression is that you are not, which is fine, but is not compatible with what I am looking for. Take care. All the best,____." You have no idea who this stranger really is so the more you say and put him on the defensive the more vulnerable you are to getting hassled by him (and he knows what you look like and where you live, right?) I do not buy his $ excuses for a second - a date can be a walk in the park. If he truly has serious $ issues such that he can't even afford the gas to come and meet you then he is probably not in a position to be in a relationship right now. A graceful exit - be a lady about it - is my vote. No need to hammer the points home because they will fall on deaf ears and makes you too vulnerable to harassing responses.

I think it's fine (and agree re Eharmony and with what RayKay said about online dating in general) as long as you are honest from the get go that right now you are not looking for a serious relationship. Many people on that site are. I wasn't comfortable with the "I am not looking for a serious relationship but you never know . .. " since even those looking for a serious relationship "never know" where something might lead. Rather, I would be completely up front. Also, if you are not looking for something that becomes quickly physical, make that clear too since often the "just looking for friends" is interpreted by women who are more conservative/traditional as "just looking to hook up." There definitely are women who are conservative/traditional yet not looking for something serious (for example they may be in a challenging new job or grad school) but they may be turned off if there is even a hint of "looking for a fling" in your profile. Good luck!