Batya33

It sounds like you are comparing him to all the men who treated you badly. I don't think that's an appropriate comparison. Just because someone doesn't treat you badly doesn't mean he has the kind of values, character and integrity suitable to be your husband. Just because he has a daughter doesn't make his character any better - it depends what kind of father he is to her and the reasons why he is not with her mother. That's just an example. I would never associate with someone in a dating relationship or more seriously who did not have values compatible with mine. It's an individual thing. Some things I could forgive because of the context or time period in which they were done, others I could not. Trust is of course important to me so if there was something told to me that was inaccurate, or important information omitted, that would be inconsistent with my values, just by way of example. My guess is you cannot get past it because you do not think his character/values/integrity have changed enough since then so that he is a person you feel is compatible with you. I also wouldn't place blame on the girl involved. It takes two, period and he is not claiming she raped him of course.

Instead of analyzing his feelings and what he says about his "connection" to you, make a mental or written list - in objective language - about his actions towards you. Decide whether those actions are caring/loving. Watch the feet, not the lips.

I would say that from almost the first day you met him in person you knew he was not a trustworthy person. Even if you could put aside those early lies you quickly found out that there were other significant lies. You knew this about his character when you married him. This is not an "I told you so" post but since you knew he was not a trustworthy person and had all sorts of justifications for treating people selfishly/badly, I am not sure what you expected would change once you got married or once you got back together. I don't think you need marital counseling. I think you need him to say that none of these lies ever will happen again, that he will be faithful to you and he will do anything you want to prove his faithfulness (i.e. sign an agreement that you get his most prized possession if he is unfaithful again). Then you have to decide whether you trust his representations such that you won't feel like you are constantly checking up on him. Without that element of trust I don't see where you can have a real relationship. I would go to counseling to figure out why you agreed to marry him and agreed to get back together with him in the first place. If the reason is because you loved him then figure out why you have so little regard or love for yourself that you would choose to be in a relationship like this. Best of luck.

Tell him that you are not comfortable staying over until you have spent a lot of time with him and gotten to know him - and that you will let him know when you feel comfortable. Do not be apologetic about it - or dramatic - just matter of fact/straightforward. If he asks you why just say you do not feel it is appropriate for you to be alone with him at his place overnight - if he doesn't get the message he's just pretending not to get the message.

The real issue is - if you have to be able to tell that from sex then there is a communication issue here. I mean, why are you letting him be inside your body if you don't feel comfortable asking him how he feels about you and/or if you don't feel you can trust the answer?

I also live in NYC and do not have a driver's license. I also have moved and dealt with movers several times. I think the few hundred dollars - even if you have to take a loan out - is well worth it to prevent the appearance of seeming to your ex that you are being manipulative, even if you are not. Get a male friend who doesn't have a car to accompany you. As far as him bringing up things about his new lady friend - why not tell him you don't want to know. If not, why haven't you told him that?

The only men I have been seriously involved with over the last 12 years or more are very successful, brilliant and ambitious men. Both of them are very similar in that they are humble (but not insecure!), confident but not arrogant and have the gift of being able to make anyone around them feel comfortable no matter what their education level, intelligence level, background,etc. Please don't generalize about educated/ambitious men. I am also highly educated, very ambitious and successful. In both relationships - and in many other shorter dating relationships - I have consistently attracted and been involved with educated/intelligent/ambitious men who respect me, love that I am also highly educated, etc and are really fun to be with. Someone with a high school education can be very elitist and arrogant - I have met them too. I try my best not to generalize and I hope you decide to stop doing so or you may pass up a real gem (which doesn't sound like either of the two men you described - nothing to do with their intelligence or education).

I think he is being hesitant for a very good reason. Your request is transparent. He is not the only one you know who owns a car. You could hire someone who owns a car, ask friends to recommend a friend of theirs who would help for a small fee (or even barter - offer to trade your services or help for use of their car), etc. If you can afford a moving company, you can afford the bit extra to hire a car service or someone with a car. Your ex is reasonably intelligent. He knows that part of the reason you are asking him is to get to spend time with him and/or to test him to see if he'll say yes and how he'll respond. He probably doesn't like being manipulated in that way. If I were dating someone and his ex asked for that favor I would be mighty suspicious of your motives and not at all pleased with it. Perhaps you can offer him a gift certificate for dinner or a show for two so that if he helps you move he can take out the woman he is dating to a nice place. If that doesn't sit right with you then why do you expect your request to sit right with him? Who cares why he is seeing this other woman and what they have done and not done physically whether or not he is being honest. Would you like it if he talked about what he did/didn't do with you with other women? It's tacky and in my opinion you should stop asking him for details of his dealings with other women. If you do get back together, you will be haunted by it. Being open and honest does not mean sharing things that are better left private and unknown and to me, his relations with other women are such a topic other than knowing whether you need to get tested, and you only need to know that if you get back together, right? Forget about how many exes he helped to move - that was then, those were other people and other circumstances. Show him you can stand on your own two feet. That's far more interesting and a "turn on" than the damsel in distress ploy.

if you want to have a party to please your parents, fine. But, I would forget about having a bridal party because it sounds like it's more trouble than it's worth. I would also lose the attitude that it is "your" wedding and that your family doesn't have a right to have a say in what is done and not done. It is a 5-hour party at most so the more you can just be flexible and focus on the marriage instead of the wedding, the better. As far as your friends, tell them nicely to please keep their opinions to themselves. If you care about what they think of your fiancee ask yourself how much you care and why since you say you are so "sure" of him. Sure, if it were me and I was only 21, military or not I would date him for a year before deciding whether to marry. You knew him in high school but that is a very young stage of life and your "just knowing" likely is based as much on infatuation as it is on the real person. But that's just me!

It's very easy. Tell your boyfriend you would like to see other people and then, after you have spent some time on your own, tell this other man that you are now unattached. Obviously if there is something special between you and this other man it will still be there in a few months from now.

Either go with the understanding that he is not a reliable person and accept that about him or respond "thanks but I don't think we have enough in common to continue dating" (that is, you are reliable and he is not but that doesn't need to be said).

I disagree that the cute boys "get you" - you made the choice to have this type of relationship knowing the likelihood that it would mean more to you than sex. I am not judging your decision just that you might want to take a more proactive role in what types of situations you get involved in.

I think the mistake is seeing those who have had sex as "ahead" of you - in reality, if there are those who had sex because of peer pressure or for some reason other than caring about the person they were with then certainly they are not "ahead" when it comes to maturity. I had a serious boyfriend in high school but I waited until I was 24 and seriously involved with someone before having sex. I was glad I waited because it is a big deal both emotionally and also the physical impact/potential impact such as pregnancy, etc.

I think until you learn to be accountable and responsible for your own actions - and I am referring to you cheating on him - you likely will not be able to form healthy friendships, much less relationships. He likely is not willing to commit to you because he has sensed from your dealings with him and others that you are not to be trusted in some fundamental way. Just look at your "excuse" for cheating with someone he knows for goodness sakes. So, whenever you are feeling frustrated that justifies you betraying someone else's trust? Not many people I know would tolerate that other than a very desperate person. Who knows why he continues hanging around with you - maybe he is bored, horny, maybe he hopes that someday you will tell him you are ready to be trustworthy and want more than anything to prove that to him by being a trustworthy person. It's very nice of him that he gives you money - and I hope that you are repaying him and doing everything in your power to find a new job and be independent financially. Good luck.

What has always worked well for me - and I mean - feeling good about my choices and feeling cared for and treated well - and remaining generally positive about "men"- is to wait at least two months to have sex with someone I am dating and to wait until we are exclusive, monogamous and with strong potential for marriage (that is, on the same page about marriage and definitely seeing each other as potentials for marriage).

Here is what I would do - when you have been dating steadily for 3-4 months and/or after some of the butterflies fade, then see where you stand. Yes, completely enjoy this time together and I would stop repeating those "am I your lady" questions - if he says so then trust him, if you don't trust him that's an issue and he is not responsible for your insecurities. If it were me - but this is just personal - I would wait at least a few months before being intimate so that I wasn't clouded by the lust part/s_x part while I was trying to get to know him. You don't know each other well at all - all you know is the butterflies, the chemistry, the good s_x but I bet you haven't seen him - sick, having a terrible day or days at work, how he is with his parents, relatives, friends, how he is with service people like waiters - for any consistent period of time. but again enjoy this time of infatuation and fun and wait until the dust settles before getting engaged or getting pregnant!

especially in the beginning of a relationship I think IMing should be kept to a minimum. If you can't see each other in person talking on the phone is a much better alternative. Sometimes computers crash, you get called away and people tend to read way more into what is typed or not typed than they should - you can't see tone or facial expression, etc.

If at all possible - financially (or apply for a scholarship) etc please go to college - either two year or four year and work part time if you have to. I found it odd that in your post about wanting to make plans on a more adult level school was not mentioned.

Look - if it really is true that you just want to have fun, then you should be putting in the effort and asking guys out/calling them/pursuing them. Most guys will not turn down "fun." I think you are having a problem doing this because deep down you don't just want to have fun - you want a man to approach you, court you and take you out on a date he plans - that is, treat you like a lady, not just like a fling. It is almost impossible to have both - sure he may treat you like a lady in order to get you into bed, but that's about it. I've never really dated just for fun other than maybe on club med vacations (and even then . . . not really just for fun) - what I did was went over to a guy, started up a conversation and then asked him if he wanted to take a walk on the beach. I would never have done that if I wanted a real relationship or to be treated like a lady. We had a lovely evening together, kissed a little bit and the next day or so he pursued my friend instead which was fine with me.

Here is what I would do to make sure you cover all bases (pun intended with the sports reference): in the event that she doesn't like eating in front of people (or you specifically - because of a potential romantic interest) suggest something comparably romantic/non-sports like and see what happens - i.e. wine tasting, going to the theater or some other live performance, an evening cruise, etc. Why not ask her if she is self-conscious about her breakouts - and tell her that you understand why she would be but that you hope it has nothing to do with you seeing her skin that way - that it is not a problem at all and you find her attractive both inside and out. While I agree generally with the concept of friends first I think often it creates more confusion than it's worth. I prefer to just take things slow in a dating context - i.e. keep the physical intimacy at a slow pace but make it clear that you are courting her and going on dates.

I have a boyfriend now but when I was out there dating (I am 39) I had the following standards/expectations: no matter how much a man flirted with me, expressed interest, etc I listened to none of it - I listened to only one thing - the words of asking me out on a proper date in advance that he did most of the planning for. Everything else I trained myself to mean nothing as far as whether he was interested in spending time with me one on one outside the club or bar in the future. And that also went for a man's interest in me during the early dates - of course it was never "negative" if they showed interest but it never "counted" as anything concrete. I had to work on this so that my expectations were reasonable. I clearly remember when I wasn't like that - I remember in 1989 I met an amazing guy at a bar - he did the same thing your guy did - I called him for the same reasons and while we spoke clearly he wasn't interested anymore. I was devastated. I never let that happen again because I changed my expectations. I do not think that this is because men are players or have any evil motives - I simply think that men, like women, might have many reasons for wanting to chat with someone at a bar, flirt and say lovely things. Who knows - it's fun, it's enjoyable to be with an attractive person, it might be "practice" at dating and socializing - and there is nothing wrong with it - he did not make a plan with you (meaning time and place) and then not show up, he didn't promise to call you on a certain day to make a plan (even that means little) - he owed you nothing. Sure, it's not the nicest thing to be all over someone you have no intention of seeing again but who knows - perhaps he had every intention and the next day he changed his mind, went on a date with someone else who he liked better, heard from his ex, decided to take a break from dating, etc. I've heard so many stories (and some which happened to me) of "but he said . . ." "but everyone said he liked me . ." - who cares - it means nothing as far as whether he wants to date you. It means that at that moment he was attracted to you and enjoying your company. I also think that if you have the attitude that these men are "players" you will treat the ones who do follow up and want to date you with unfair suspicion. I would continue to be optimistic and positive about men - who, generally, I think are pretty great (at least, I've been treated well most of the time during the last 25 years of dating).

With all due respect your post sounds like a bit of psychobabble. To me seeing the big picture is in living daily life and doing small kindnesses - and larger ones - for others - not being a doormat of course and taking care of yourself but focusing on what you can do for others. Last night I noticed a woman who couldn't get her baby carriage through part of the sidewalk because of bikes in the way so I asked my boyfriend if he could help move them aside for her and we did. Had I been distancing myself and "thinking" about the world - been in my head - I would have missed that opportunity to help her. I also find it through spirituality - both in prayer and in choosing what to and who to pray for at the end of the day. Another way is by living a healthy lifestyle - I feel centered when I exercise and eat right - and then I am a kinder and less grouchy person. Also - travel - going to new places even in your own town or city - just got back from trekking around the pacific northwest and yes it opened my eyes in a lovely way. Keep it simple - the more abstract you get and the more you think that you have to do some grand gestures or "deep" thinking the more you will get away from the simplicity of peace and clarity. When I read to homeless children (about twice a month at a shelter, since January 2002) and I see a child recognize a new word, or relate to the characters, there is nothing like that experience to give you perspective on many things - in a simple, natural way.

I think there's a middle ground here. Come up with your basics list- a relatively short list of qualities the man must have to have potential for a serious relationship. For example, mine are: same religion as me, at least a college education, strong work ethic, similar values to me, strong character and integrity, healthy/lives a healthy lifestyle (no drugs, excessive drinking), wants marriage and family in the near future and there must be some spark of attraction within the first handful of dates (i.e. I can imagine kissing him). I no longer have "looks" listed because although in my 20's I would not have considered dating someone obese, now I would in certain circumstances (based on health issues, not attraction). I think it's awful to go out for a free meal because in part, you'll end up with a headache or stomachache if you don't have a good time and you'll probably feel guilty which isn't fun either. I would not go out with the guy you rejected just because he looks "hotter" - how would you like it if someone decided to reevaluate you because you did something new with your hair or lost/gained some weight?

I wouldn't have sex with someone unless we were exclusive, we were on the same page in general about marriage, and hopefully we love each other. Also we would both have to be tested for STD's and that means he would have to have not been with anyone for at least 6 months so that the tests would be accurate. The minimum I have waited is 2 months - I think having a set time like "the third date" is silly, in my opinion. This is just what's right for me and what has worked out well for me every time (that is I don't have big regrets about anyone I was intimate with in that way and I am not cynical about men like many women my age seem to be)- I don't judge what others choose to do.

This is just me but I find it inconsistent to be exclusive and advertise yourself as single or available - at the very least psychologically it make you feel as if you are keeping your options open to some degree. I have my profile hidden on the online dating sites I was on but one still allows those who put me on a favorite list to view my profile - I cannot respond to their emails or even see who the emails are from although I suspect it is one of them. Difference is my boyfriend knows that to that extent I am still "visible" and he is totally fine with it. I am fine with him having an inactive hidden profile from when he lived in another city even though the online dating site still sends him matches emails -he likes to share them with me and we laugh about some. We did not meet online by the way. It's all about compromise and what feels right to you. Just because your boyfriend's activity wouldn't feel right to me entirely doesn't mean it can't be part of a compromise you make with him. On the other hand if it would make you happier if he deleted his profiles and he is not doing that then you are entitled to say that if he won't you will not consider the two of you to be exclusive and you are free to keep your options open too.