Batya33

Look - if it really is true that you just want to have fun, then you should be putting in the effort and asking guys out/calling them/pursuing them. Most guys will not turn down "fun." I think you are having a problem doing this because deep down you don't just want to have fun - you want a man to approach you, court you and take you out on a date he plans - that is, treat you like a lady, not just like a fling. It is almost impossible to have both - sure he may treat you like a lady in order to get you into bed, but that's about it. I've never really dated just for fun other than maybe on club med vacations (and even then . . . not really just for fun) - what I did was went over to a guy, started up a conversation and then asked him if he wanted to take a walk on the beach. I would never have done that if I wanted a real relationship or to be treated like a lady. We had a lovely evening together, kissed a little bit and the next day or so he pursued my friend instead which was fine with me.

Here is what I would do to make sure you cover all bases (pun intended with the sports reference): in the event that she doesn't like eating in front of people (or you specifically - because of a potential romantic interest) suggest something comparably romantic/non-sports like and see what happens - i.e. wine tasting, going to the theater or some other live performance, an evening cruise, etc. Why not ask her if she is self-conscious about her breakouts - and tell her that you understand why she would be but that you hope it has nothing to do with you seeing her skin that way - that it is not a problem at all and you find her attractive both inside and out. While I agree generally with the concept of friends first I think often it creates more confusion than it's worth. I prefer to just take things slow in a dating context - i.e. keep the physical intimacy at a slow pace but make it clear that you are courting her and going on dates.

I have a boyfriend now but when I was out there dating (I am 39) I had the following standards/expectations: no matter how much a man flirted with me, expressed interest, etc I listened to none of it - I listened to only one thing - the words of asking me out on a proper date in advance that he did most of the planning for. Everything else I trained myself to mean nothing as far as whether he was interested in spending time with me one on one outside the club or bar in the future. And that also went for a man's interest in me during the early dates - of course it was never "negative" if they showed interest but it never "counted" as anything concrete. I had to work on this so that my expectations were reasonable. I clearly remember when I wasn't like that - I remember in 1989 I met an amazing guy at a bar - he did the same thing your guy did - I called him for the same reasons and while we spoke clearly he wasn't interested anymore. I was devastated. I never let that happen again because I changed my expectations. I do not think that this is because men are players or have any evil motives - I simply think that men, like women, might have many reasons for wanting to chat with someone at a bar, flirt and say lovely things. Who knows - it's fun, it's enjoyable to be with an attractive person, it might be "practice" at dating and socializing - and there is nothing wrong with it - he did not make a plan with you (meaning time and place) and then not show up, he didn't promise to call you on a certain day to make a plan (even that means little) - he owed you nothing. Sure, it's not the nicest thing to be all over someone you have no intention of seeing again but who knows - perhaps he had every intention and the next day he changed his mind, went on a date with someone else who he liked better, heard from his ex, decided to take a break from dating, etc. I've heard so many stories (and some which happened to me) of "but he said . . ." "but everyone said he liked me . ." - who cares - it means nothing as far as whether he wants to date you. It means that at that moment he was attracted to you and enjoying your company. I also think that if you have the attitude that these men are "players" you will treat the ones who do follow up and want to date you with unfair suspicion. I would continue to be optimistic and positive about men - who, generally, I think are pretty great (at least, I've been treated well most of the time during the last 25 years of dating).

With all due respect your post sounds like a bit of psychobabble. To me seeing the big picture is in living daily life and doing small kindnesses - and larger ones - for others - not being a doormat of course and taking care of yourself but focusing on what you can do for others. Last night I noticed a woman who couldn't get her baby carriage through part of the sidewalk because of bikes in the way so I asked my boyfriend if he could help move them aside for her and we did. Had I been distancing myself and "thinking" about the world - been in my head - I would have missed that opportunity to help her. I also find it through spirituality - both in prayer and in choosing what to and who to pray for at the end of the day. Another way is by living a healthy lifestyle - I feel centered when I exercise and eat right - and then I am a kinder and less grouchy person. Also - travel - going to new places even in your own town or city - just got back from trekking around the pacific northwest and yes it opened my eyes in a lovely way. Keep it simple - the more abstract you get and the more you think that you have to do some grand gestures or "deep" thinking the more you will get away from the simplicity of peace and clarity. When I read to homeless children (about twice a month at a shelter, since January 2002) and I see a child recognize a new word, or relate to the characters, there is nothing like that experience to give you perspective on many things - in a simple, natural way.

I think there's a middle ground here. Come up with your basics list- a relatively short list of qualities the man must have to have potential for a serious relationship. For example, mine are: same religion as me, at least a college education, strong work ethic, similar values to me, strong character and integrity, healthy/lives a healthy lifestyle (no drugs, excessive drinking), wants marriage and family in the near future and there must be some spark of attraction within the first handful of dates (i.e. I can imagine kissing him). I no longer have "looks" listed because although in my 20's I would not have considered dating someone obese, now I would in certain circumstances (based on health issues, not attraction). I think it's awful to go out for a free meal because in part, you'll end up with a headache or stomachache if you don't have a good time and you'll probably feel guilty which isn't fun either. I would not go out with the guy you rejected just because he looks "hotter" - how would you like it if someone decided to reevaluate you because you did something new with your hair or lost/gained some weight?

I wouldn't have sex with someone unless we were exclusive, we were on the same page in general about marriage, and hopefully we love each other. Also we would both have to be tested for STD's and that means he would have to have not been with anyone for at least 6 months so that the tests would be accurate. The minimum I have waited is 2 months - I think having a set time like "the third date" is silly, in my opinion. This is just what's right for me and what has worked out well for me every time (that is I don't have big regrets about anyone I was intimate with in that way and I am not cynical about men like many women my age seem to be)- I don't judge what others choose to do.

This is just me but I find it inconsistent to be exclusive and advertise yourself as single or available - at the very least psychologically it make you feel as if you are keeping your options open to some degree. I have my profile hidden on the online dating sites I was on but one still allows those who put me on a favorite list to view my profile - I cannot respond to their emails or even see who the emails are from although I suspect it is one of them. Difference is my boyfriend knows that to that extent I am still "visible" and he is totally fine with it. I am fine with him having an inactive hidden profile from when he lived in another city even though the online dating site still sends him matches emails -he likes to share them with me and we laugh about some. We did not meet online by the way. It's all about compromise and what feels right to you. Just because your boyfriend's activity wouldn't feel right to me entirely doesn't mean it can't be part of a compromise you make with him. On the other hand if it would make you happier if he deleted his profiles and he is not doing that then you are entitled to say that if he won't you will not consider the two of you to be exclusive and you are free to keep your options open too.

If you are suspicious like this in general (and I doubt this is the case - are you like this with your friends too?) then I would work on that and consider that maybe being in a relationship is not for you -because being in a healthy one requires a decent level of trust and giving people the benefit of the doubt.

I know a number of people who went to law school after majoring in philosophy - the two disciplines have a lot in common including the emphasis on logic.

I am not sure why it is jerky to want to date only casually as long as the intentions are spoken and everyone knows where they stand. It is very simple. Tell him: I like you and enjoy your company, but I like me more. thereforeeee, since I want to be in an exclusive relationship and you do not we do not have compatible values right now. If you change your mind you can call me and if I am interested and available I will consider it.

To determine what he wants, watch the feet not the lips. If he wants to date you to get to know you better as a person, he will do what we all discussed above - call in advance, make a plan, put effort into making sure he gets to spend time with you. If he does not do that or does something in the middle/gray area, he is not interested in dating you at this time. He may be interested in hanging out, in having sex, in being a buddy, but not dating. Of course - he may want to court/date you and his style of courting is to have you pick up on signals, ask him if you can come over and have sex. There always are exceptions. Just figure out if that makes sense to you - that a man who wanted to impress a lady would behave in this way. If he is that type of man is that ok with you - are you ok initiating dates/times to hook up and having sex with no strings attached. If you truly are and you won't end up feeling badly about yourself and telling yourself it is his fault for giving "mixed signals" then go for it. It doesn't sound like you are. I know married couples who had sex on the first date. They are very happy. They are also the exception. Typically sex on the first date followed by no initiating of a second date or future dates or clear statements as to future intentions means that what he wants is sex with no strings attached, possibly to be reevaluated in the future - likely to be reevaluated when he meets a lady he wants to court and not just have easy sex with.

I think it's up to you - if the good of being with her outweighs the bad - to very nicely, but not apologetically - and assertively (see my reference to "nice" also) tell her exactly what you plan to do with her and without her. Without too much explanation either. Not "I need my space" that is just psychobabble. Start with the positive "I cannot wait to spend time with you! here is my plan . .. " and then tell her. that's it. for example my boyfriend and I spend all weekend together but we have a real "flow" of time spent together and not so together. We will take walks but not talk that much, he may go on line while I read, we may watch tv together but not talk or I may go on line while I have my coffee, a habit of mine - instead of talking with him. We spend a lot of time together and talk a great deal of course, do things together but we both have a natural sense of the "dance of intimacy" - sounds like your friend does not so you have to decide whether the positives of being with her outweigh the negatives.

I think casual dating is fine as long as everyone is honest that it is not exclusive. Doesn't make him a bad guy and indeed it is nice he is being honest. You also can agree to sexual monogamy if you are nervous about diseases from sex. But please listen to his words - don't analyze them - they are simple. He is saying he does not want a commitment with you or a serious relationship with you right now. That is all. Who cares why - the only why is for your ego and you have to develop a thick skin if you are going to date this guy when you want a commitment and he does not.

I don't agree that he is being confusing. I think you are confused because you had expectations that he would now ask you out on a proper date because you were intimate, and he is not. When you start reading into public myspace postings you are going far afield of what are signs of true interest - calling you specifically for advance planning for a date. Same for reading into someone telling you he is going to relax at home and watch a movie. At most that means he passively hopes you will ask to come over so he can get you into bed again. If that is all you want with this guy - and please be 100% honest with yoursefl!! - fine but it sounds like you want more or you wouldn't feel "confused." His actions are loud and clear - at this moment he does not want to date you in the traditional sense. This could change but will not if you make it easy for him by asking to come over and getting into bed with him.

My question remains - now that you do know all of this, why not take action and move forward instead of focusing on yourself as a victim and him as the bad guy? I am still surprised at your passivity - you chose not to find out more information, you chose to move there without a place to live or financial independence, and you are still there months after knowing all of the facts. Please ask yourself why you are not taking action and removing yourself from the situation - instead of pointing a finger at him and saying it is all his fault ask yourself why you would do such a thing to yourself - stay there in this situation - now that you know the facts. Sure, of course what he did was wrong but that doesn't help you move forward now. Perhaps in the future you will decide not to move far away to be with someone who is still married - perhaps not. Right now, why not focus on what you can do to remove yourself from the situation. Feeling sorry for yourself is not equivalent to taking action. I know you know that. Good luck.

My humble opinion is that if you do not want to marry him, move out with the baby, have him give you child support and see the baby as often as possible so that your baby does not grow up with two parents who are living together, do not get along (which at some point your child will pick up on) and are not married. Just doesn't seem healthy for you or the baby to be living with a man you do not want to marry and who you are not happy with - at some point don't you want your child to have a good role model for a healthy, loving relationship? Not at all saying you are a bad mother or making bad choices - you are trying to survive - just something to think about. . . .

Not sure what you mean by "otherwise really good looking." So shorter than average is by definition an "otherwise?" What about those people (like myself) who happen to be drawn to shorter men? Why not look at it this way. This hot film director is willing to go out with someone who is taller than average and my guess is like all of us you have at least one other physical "flaw" which he will have to accept if he dates you. As far as feeling "awkward" it depends entirely on the two of you. My boyfriend is about 2 inches taller than me at 5"5 and he dated a woman who was 5"8. He doesn't care. In my view he stands head and shoulders above most people when it comes to integrity and character. As far as attraction, I agree that's a personal matter but I disagree with your generalization that shortness is by definition a negative.

I am sorry you're going through this. Questions that occurred to me. Why aren't the two of you married (is this a mutual decision) and are there plans to marry? My hunch is that that situation adds to the tension and conflict and certainly won't be the best situation for your child to be growing up with two parents who live together, aren't married, and have tension between them. Best of luck.

I would ask a lawyer or look on the internet to find out what the divorce laws are in the state in which you were married, which should cover financial issues too.

Sounds from your post that you don't see her work in raising your children as worthy or difficult as you say you sacrifice everything. What about what she sacrifices in raising your children and doing all that work? My guess is from your attitude that she also sees that attitude, it makes her a bit angry or resentful and anger/resentment is the best way to turn someone off really fast. . . . .

I think it depends. It's normal to feel a strong attraction to someone unavailable and less of an attraction to someone who is not as much of a challenge. Here is what I would do. Give it another month or so and make an effort to see her once a week for a fun date so that you get to know her in different situations. Keep the level of physical intimacy to a minimum. If at the end of that time you don't find yourself more attached or maybe even missing her a little when she is not around then reevaluate. You haven't known her long enough to know if true and lasting feelings will develop and on the other hand, you have no idea whether your intense feelings for the 18 year old will burn out as fast as they burned up.

Just my humble opinion. You will have no idea whether you two click on a romantic level or have enough in common for an in person relationship unless and until you spend consistent in person time together for at least a few months. You have no idea what she is like in person - her body language, mannerisms, what she is like with others such as waiters, bosses, family, friends, neighbors, etc. You have no idea what she is like on a daily basis - on-line communication is selective and she can choose when to communicate with you as opposed to in person when she can't simply log off because she is in a bad mood or tired, etc. You may truly believe you have romantic feelings like love for this person but those feelings are not based on real time spent with the person. On line communication can feel very real, deep, sincere, etc but you can't account for chemistry or interpersonal dynamics from just a web cam or IM. Certainly you can be lovely pen pals or phone buddies and get to know things about each other but whether this is "true love" or the foundation for a real in person relationship remains to be seen. Again, just my humble opinion and I hope you get to spend consistent in person time with her soon.

First of all my advice is from the female perspective because I am one ;-). If he asks you what you are doing that day certainly you can tell him. It doesn't matter - you know why? Because he doesn't get to see you by asking you out last minute. He gets to see you if and only if he calls you and asks you out at least a few days in advance and if you are not already busy, you accept. Also, if you decide that my advice makes sense, he won't have much of a chance to keep tabs on you because until he starts asking you out regularly, in advance, he won't get to chat with you much at all. But remember, make it clear in this way "I really enjoy our "chats" so much but my work/social life is getting a little too busy for me to be available on the computer as often. I'd rather see you in person and if that makes sense to you, let me know when you're free and we'll find a time when we're both available." Something like that - he doesn't deserve a blow by blow of what you do every day and you are not there to train him on how to be a gentleman and court a lady. If he is truly interested he will either figure it out on his own or ask someone how best to get your attention and get to spend time with you. Where you went a little wrong in my opinion is in thinking that getting to know someone for a potential romantic relationship involves spilling your guts about "deep" things right off the bat and being available 24/7 to talk to the person. Most people like a little challenge, a little intrigue, and a little space to get to know someone. He was fascinated at first as most people are when they first meet someone they are attracted to but now that you are basically at his beck and call and so "nice" to him the challenge is gone and he doesn't feel like he had to do much of anything to get your attention. This doesn't make him a bad guy, just human. And - many men - not all! - are visual - so that if they don't get to see you in person, you don't make as much of an impression or motivate them to spend more time with you.

I think it helps a great deal for someone to stop focusing on being a victim/having a pity party and taking active steps to change a situation - particularly a situation that she chose in large part. As far as helping Laura I was simply responding to another poster's view with which I disagreed. What I think would help Laura very much is a small dose of "tough love" rather than sympathy. Sympathy is nice but won't change things. The more she focuses on victimhood the less action she will be compelled or motivated to take. I still don't see how a married man can make any type of romantic commitment to another woman but we can agree to disagree.

I think it's crucial - if you want any kind of romantic relationship with him - that you cut way down on the typing/talking so that he is forced - if he is interested - to ask you out on a proper date that he plans in advance and spend time with you in person. You will only learn whether you click in real life for a relationship by spending consistent in person time. Right now you are wayyy too available for him - all he has to do is type to you or click on a window and he has your full attention. He doesn't have to put in effort and you are telling all in the name of "openness and honesty." I say - in the name of your great worth and confidence, you hold back until he earns the right to know all this and to have all this attention from you. He earns it by calling you, asking you out on a date he plans in advance and then taking you on the date and showing sincere interest in you. You in turn should show up, look nice and be appreciative of his efforts. This is not about playing a game - it is about making sure you show him that your time is valuable, that you are not an open book to just anyone, etc. So at this point, slow down and tell him very nicely - that you love talking to him on the computer but you are busy and would prefer to spend your free time with him in person, so if he wants to see you again, you'd be happy to make some plans to do so. Then if he doesn't ask you out, keep your responses to his IM's polite but short - and sign off if need be so that he must take steps to spend time with you that involve effort on his part.