Batya33

I totally agree with this - as the saying goes "kids don't get dating, they get attached."

If he is bold enough to stare and talk to you he is bold enough to ask you out. If he doesn't ask you out it could be for a variety of reasons other than being shy (which I doubt) - he might not want to date anyone at work, may have met someone else, may have lost interest. I go by the general rule- with rare exceptions - that if a man is that interested in dating a lady and is emotionally and otherwise available, he will ask her out in advance on a proper date (or at least for lunch or coffee). If you ask him out it could be very awkward since you work together. Why not invite him to lunch with some of your colleagues and while there mention a movie you have wanted to see, etc?

I am not sure what industry you're in but I think you're ignoring how valuable it is that your boss and colleagues like you and your work. Use that to your advantage to network with them so that they can refer you to others they know in the industry and be a reference for you to get a new job. Do not let this attitude of yours to this woman come through in any of your dealings with anyone. Stop gossiping about her with others unless it is to praise her work. You never know what peoples' allegiances are and while they may not love her work, they may be very comfortable with her or personal friends of hers. Do not burn bridges.

For many reasons, I would not count the 5.5 years as getting to know each other for purposes of a romantic relationship or for purposes of knowing whether you would be compatible in a marriage. I would say in general given your ages, anywhere between 6-9 months is fine as far as a proposal. As "harry" said in "when harry met sally" "when you know you want to be with someone forever, you want forever to start right away." why not ask him why he wants to wait another year if he is so sure you are the one? Depending on what he says I would have my own internal "deadline" and at that time tell him you have to walk away unless he is going to commit to you.

In my opinion since he kissed you and had a conversation with you about relationships he is not shy about telling you how he feels. Listen to his words- he said he did not want a relationship and unfortunately when a guy says that you can add "with you" to the end of the sentence. This is not to be hurtful but just to remind you that you take a risk when you hook up with a guy before establishing whether he is interested only in hooking up or in a relationship with you. Don't get more attached assuming you can get him to change his mind. Tell him thanks for his honesty, that you are interested in a relationship or at least dating him and not just hooking up and that he knows where to find you if he changes his mind. Then stop all contact. He knows absolutely that you're interested- even the shyest guy wouldn't be afraid to ask a girl out on a date who was willing to hook up with him,. Also, you told him you didn't want a relationship so make sure you clear that up if indeed you do (which I assume from your post you do). In short, he is definitely attracted to you and would likely hook up with you again but right now, that would be about it - he was very honest on this point. Most men who want to date a lady are not going to tell her that they always wanted to hook up - they will be a bit more tactful/sensitive and say that they really want to get to know you - the whole package. As far as he not liking it when women say they like him, my guess is he would be fine with it - or happy - if he felt the same way. Alternatively, he really might not be interested in a relationship with anyone, not just you. The result is the same - be thankful he is being honest and stay away if you want more than the occasional hook up.

it's true - I get questioned but married people also get questioned about all sorts of things- when they're going to buy a house/have another child, etc. It just depends how you react. Luckily, I live in a city where single people in general are celebrated, not shunned.

I did a lot of online dating - met over 100 men in person, dated several for a few months at a time. Here are my thoughts. Having an active on line profile where women can write to you, wink at you, etc is inconsistent with being in a committed relationship - it's telling the world that he is available and he is keeping his options open to a certain extent. However, you chose not to require exclusivity and to sleep with him relatively early on in the relationship. From this he is entitled to assume that you are comfortable with casual sex (sex without a commitment). He is entitled to keep his options open and to date others if he wishes. Sure, it's fine to have the attitude of "we'll see how it goes" - for me, for example, that would never work if we were having sex - i would insist on exclusivity first, and likely not have sex for at least the first few months. But that's me. You are entitled to be fine with casual dating - with "let's see how it goes" but then it's not fair to expect him to take down the profile. All of the gifts, calls, dates and attention certainly reflect that he is interested in you but if he were interested in being exclusive, he would not want to have a profile up stating that he is single and certainly not one that was active. I had a similar situation in that we dated for two months and he was logging in every few days. We were not exclusive (and thereforeeee didn't have sex yet) but he called me every day, bought me small gifts, took me out at least twice a week. However, at the two month mark I told him that I wasn't going to wait forever for a commitment. He understood and asked for a little more time. I decided internally to give him one more month. As luck would have it, on our third month "anniversary' I saw a side of him and watched him do something that was shocking and convinced me that we didn't have a future. I will also add that in that last month he slowly distanced himself - point being - anyone can romance you for the first few months - you have to get to know the person over time. This person likes you but is not yet ready for a committed relationship.

I think the only way he'll decide to get back together is if he experiences what life is like without you there in any way and he sees if he misses you.

I understand that you have needs but why not try - for a week - being other-directed instead and being sensitive to her needs for a little space?

I think it's a personal thing about what your standards are for reliability etc - the important thing is that even if you decide to adjust your standards or be flexible because the situation calls for it that when you do that you are true to your self esteem and self respect. Maybe one way to judge that is to say "would I feel comfortable telling my best friend that I decided to see him even though [fill in perceived unreliable behavior.]" I have friends that don't return a call for two months but because we've been friends 20 plus years I cut them slack and for others, blowing me off two times in a row means that I will not see them again unless they re-prove reliability and sometimes - let's say if I was left waiting on a cold street corner for an hour with no explanation - it means that we're not making plans again, ever. But it's individual and personal and your S.O. should be well aware of your personal standards from your behavior which to the extent possible should be consistent. I totally agree with your plan for this week - you will know sooner than later whether he will step up to the plate.

At most I would give one more chance but he has to come to you and don't make it on a Friday or Sat. night because you want him to see that he doesn't get the privilege of seeing you on a prime date night.

Here is what I think and I hope it is not too duplicative of what the others have said: 1. I think that you two (I am not blaming either of you!) moved too quickly into domesticity - meaning, in my humble opinion, you didn't do enough courting where you see each other, in the beginning once or twice a week tops (i.e. the first month or so) and then slowly move into two or three times a week -- it might sound unnatural or going against "but we miss each other and it feels right to see each other almost every day!!" but I think it gives the couple a chance to get to know each other at a reasonable pace, over time. It also means that you don't feel compelled to get your kids involved at lightning speed because kids "don't get dating, they "get" attached." He may have "thought" he wanted insta-relationship but all of a sudden he's not only dating you but he's also involved with your kids, helping your family out with projects, etc -- he "should have" known it was too fast but he didn't, and you went along with it and now instead of being clear and saying "woah - let's slow down" he is being passive/aggressive. Of course it can work this way and work smoothly - you meet, are inseparable from day one, it's all good. But often especially with people with commitment issues, in the beginning it's so thrilling and being a couple and all that domestic stuff feels so warm and fuzzy until after the honeymoon period where it might feel like a ball and chain. It is why I believe in keeping things at a slower pace than you did even if the man seems to want to go at lightning speed and seems sincere. He may very well be sincere - but also on cloud nine and not thinking clearly. I do not stand for unreliability in my friends or relationships. I give a certain amount of chances depending on how long I've known the person, what is going on in his/her life, how important the relationship is. In dating - at this stage -my personal standard is about three chances, tops before I either call it quits or close to it. This happened to me about 5 years ago - two months of honeymoon, then one rudely cancelled plan, then another plan that week where he was distant/off putting, then a few days later, drunk in front of his parents when no one else was drinking (new years eve) rude to me, walked out on me and blew me off for a new years day brunch. He was half-apologetic and I was totally done and didn't look back. That's just one example. I agree you can ask what's going on in his life but what I would do is what you are doing - make your own plans, let him do the initiating of all phone calls and plans for now (i.e. as if you're back in the initial courting phase) and keep your kids out of it for now. Finally, people will treat you the way you treat yourself and the way you show you are to be treated from your actions. A cliche but one I often need to remind myself of. It's a blessing that you're seeing this early on because if indeed this is not just a phase at least you didn't invest a lot of time. All the best to you.

Keep mentioning his wife/child in every single conversation or interaction whether it is in context or not. If that doesn't work, just say "the way you are staring/the comments are making me uncomfortable, please stop" (without bringing up the fact that he is married).

Hmmm "never listen" - that's a pretty drastic statement, particularly after nine months. It sounds like you have accepted his immaturity and narcissism and his justifying poor treatment of you with the "late bloomer" theory. Against that backdrop, this list should be no problem for you - it is consistent with everything you already know about him and that you have accepted up to this point. I would say even if you think his needs are silly, definitely go along with it because his immaturity hasn't bothered you in the past. As is probably obvious from my post I am having a hard time responding because it doesn't sound like a healthy or respectful relationship in any sense of the word but that is precisely why your questions might be better answered just by you - values, standards, self-esteem, what makes you happy - are all such personal things. I will add that although you said you "get a lot" out of this relationship you didn't mention one specific thing. All the specifics you mentioned were the negatives.

There's a simple approach here. You tell him - I do not want any phsyical or sexual contact with you unless you believe breaking up was a big mistake and you want to get back together. As far as a friendship, maybe - maybe - 6 months to a year down the line but right now you cannot be friends with him because it's too confusing.

I would run, run now, and do not look back. He is trying to see how far he can push your boundaries and how much power he has over you vs. how important your values are to you. Would you treat a friend like this? Why not instead evaluate what you get out of this relationship that is positive and I hope you put this "list" on the "con" side of the balance sheet. My prediction is if you do these things for him - the sex-related, etc he will lose respect for you.

Here is what I would do. Bake something - cookies, muffins, whatever (not a birthday cake and probably not even a cake). give it to him and tell him it is a "happy autumn!" gift or a halloween gift - and say - I know you didn't want to celebrate your bday but you can't pass up an autumn or halloween gift, can you? I do find it odd that he won't tell you but I know some people who are odd about their birthdays. and - since it is his day if he wants to celebrate by not celebrating, that's his choice. . . .

OK if you say so - my guess is they would say the same about you, and be dead wrong - so what makes you so sure? I am 40, also and yes of course my age is a factor in determining if a relationship is right for me - on the other hand I think it is far better to be on my own then to be in an unfulfilling relationship - and that mindset helps me have a healthy perspective in choosing whether to continue with a relationship. If I were in your shoes I would feel lonelier than if I were on my own and feeling lonely because the emotional distance I would have to keep because of the deception would lend itself to a sort of empty feeling and/or loneliness. But that's just me.

Of course STDs are an issue! Each of your men is sleeping with you and whoever else the other man has slept with or is sleeping with (and since they don't know about each other you can't assume you know about who else each of them is sleeping with). At least (please!) stop having sex with one of them and advise the other to get tested and then tested again in 6 months from then (make up a story if you need to). I am glad you realize the selfishness here but I am not sure how the way you were treated earlier justifies you hurting others. They are giving to you under the assumption that they are not sharing you - how is it that you feel ok accepting what they are giving? Are they being punished for the way other men treated you?

My two cents - given STDs (even with using a condom they can happen) it is unfair of you to subject each of them to those by lying to them. My guess is you cannot decide because you cannot be yourself with either of them because of the sneaking around. I also have an issue with you referring to being "in love' with either of them. You love certain things about them - specifically, the things they can do for you -- if you really loved either of them you would not be cheating on them. I hope between the three of you you choose yourself in the sense that you choose to be the kind of "hard to find" person you say each of them is and be a person of character and integrity when it comes to relationships.

Good luck to you! Just wanted to add that I disagree with texting someone you have just met - in this stage, to make the best impression I would do just what you did and call her to arrange the second date. Yes, I have agreed to a second date where I wasn't sure or wasn't interested, where I felt put on the spot. I tried to show lack of enthusiasm - or I would say something about being very busy. I would never agree to a specific time and place for a second date unless I was interested in going. I have had men call me for a second date, arrange a specific time and place, then call the next day to cancel. Doesn't make it right but all sorts of things happen. You just have to balance the pleasure of her company against the risk of rejection/putting yourself out there. Good luck!!

I don't think you nag him. You decide on your time limit for him moving here. When that time limit passes, you tell him you care a great deal about him, but that you cannot wait around any longer. If and when he decides to move here - whatever that takes - -he can call you and if you are still interested and available you will consider it. Until that time limit you say nothing and no longer discuss what he has to get done to move here. If he brings up the things he has to get done, say that you are aware of that, you have discussed it before, and there's nothing new and thereforeeee nothing more to say. Do not let it effect you -- and it won't once you decide on your drop dead date. He is not lazy - he is just not motivated for some reason and perhaps if you stop bringing it up and, on your drop dead date let him know you believe you have waited long enough, that you need to move on with your life with or without him, perhaps the procrastination will miraculously disappear. what I would do is see if he procrastinates in his school or job. Watch the feet - what he does - not the lips - what he says. Also, are you ok with him sleeping or playing video games all day to the extent he does that?

I don't think you're a terrible person - I think your behavior was terribly manipulative and self-absorbed. Try and consider how you would feel if the roles were reversed.

A guy who is sincerely interested in you will call you and ask you out for a date he plans in advance. Until then, have fun with all the flirty looks/gestures, etc but self-protect and have no expectations that it means that he is interested in a relationship with you. Some guys just like to flirt, some are not ready for a relationship, and some are interested in dating someone else but enjoy flirting with other women so that they feel like they are "out there" and desirable.

"Physical needs" seems like a lame excuse for cheating. Would those physical needs of yours also justify forcing a woman to have sex? Think about it. I think one night stands are fine (although not for me - ever!) where both people are aware it is just a one night thing, both have been tested for STDs and not with anyone for at least the last 6 months before being tested (even if protection is used), the woman is on the pill and a condom is used, and both are single/unattached. Otherwise, there is too much of a risk for pregnancy/STDs. I also think there are many instances where one of the persons involved (usually the woman) lies or lies to herself about being ok with a one night stand and then ends up thinking the man is a jerk for not calling her (even though they agreed it was only one night) - too many of those can make the woman cynical and generalize that all men are like this.