Jump to content

Batya33

Platinum Member
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    70,356

  • Joined

  • Days Won

    245

 Content Type 

Everything posted by Batya33

  1. Batya33
    I think that's because of the flawed assumption that you can understand "men" as a group - or should even try. Why not look at them and treat them as individuals as much as possible? I say this even though I subscribe to "the rules" - so yes I generalize to the extent that I believe that "most" men who are available (emotionally and otherwise) and interested in a woman will ask her out on a proper date even if he is shy. Beyond that, as far as whether "men" like intelligence in "women" there is nothing productive to be gained from thinking about it from that perspective.
  2. Batya33
    Actually that's completely inaccurate. My sister had irregular periods her entire life until age 40 and had 4 kids between ages 26 and 35 (for 3 of them she needed some fertility drugs, for the last one she did not). Many other friends with irregular periods got pregnant with no problem at all.
  3. Batya33
    Actually, no, it was clear from his emails and his responses that he was interested in taking me out on a date. By way of example only he said that he wished he could treat me to the event but he was strapped for cash, that he hoped i didn't see that as a lack of chivalry, and there were other aspects of the email that made it 100% clear.
  4. Batya33
    I have been in several situations where the man I was dating for a month or more - two or three months - asked me out on a date - the full deal - dinner, in some cases to also stay over for brunch the next day, etc - and it was clear when I got there that he wasn't that interested in seeing me. It was easy for this man to have you meet up with him - no effort, he just invited you to come to where he was - so yes, he wasn't "uninterested" in seeing you but he may not have been too interested either. It is not irrational for someone to invite you somewhere even if he is not that into you, particularly if no effort is involved. I am not saying that he is not interested just disagreeing with your take on it. I've never been drunk - been to many bars in my long life, been a bit tipsy but never drunk. I do not judge people for getting drunk but do not think they should use that as a justification for bad or "off" behavior. In that case, I would say, you chose to drink too much (unless something was slipped in your drink) and took the risk that you would not behave the way you typically do, etc. I am not criticizing you for drinking - I am just saying you made a choice to drink, knowing the risks. My guess is all will be ok today and I am sure you'll think twice next time about getting drunk in this type of situation, and that sounds like a good result to me.
  5. Batya33
    I have had this happen to me - from the other perspective - a few times and recently. A few years ago I met someone at a party. I was not with my bf that evening (for the record, my then bf and I were allowed to date other people). We both are in the same profession. He seemed possibly interested in me but I couldn't tell. He called me and said we should have lunch sometime and we made a plan for lunch during the work day. I had two views on it - that he might have meant it as a date or because we both had the same profession and it was lunch during the day, it might just be a networking lunch which I do regularly. We had lunch and I learned we were not of the same religion which is a dealbreaker for me. He then asked me out and I declined (he did not seem upset as far as being "led on" and we remained in touch as friends. Second, a few weeks ago I met a man at a religious service. My bf was not with me. We started chatting about a non profit organization he is interested in - when he mentioned a particular city he had just visited, I mentioned my bf who had lived there once. I was not positive he had heard me. He emailed me a week later to see if I wanted to receive his newsletter and to see if I wanted to "stay in touch personally" even though he is a struggling artist. I replied "lots of my friends are struggling artists so sure, why not." Two weeks later he emails again, this time asking me to accompany him to an arts related event. I replied - sorry, I can't and I'm getting ready to go out of town with my bf." I also wrote "as I mentioned when we first met, my bf used to live in [city] that you mentioned. It was clear when he replied that he hadn't heard me the first time. So - there is a lot of room for miscommunication. What I would do is continue to ask women out whether for a casual coffee or a formal dinner or a walk in the park, realizing that asking someone out for a saturday night meal is a far more clear indication that it is a real date as opposed to a casual lunch or coffee during the week.
  6. Batya33
    Rejoice that you are not a bridesmaid. Most of the time it is expensive, a time-sucker and a big pain in the behind. I loved being my cousin's bridesmaid but that was different - 8 weeks before her wedding she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and he married her anyway and wholeheartedly. I was so proud to be included in that wedding in that special way and I will cherish those memories always. She died 2 years ago (2.5 years after the wedding). I digressed but it is my point - be a bridesmaid only for those who you are really close to, who you believe will continue to be there for you after the wedding and be very selective about who you do this for.
  7. Batya33

    Ahh!

    Batya33 replied to Moopem's topic in Dating Advice

    I would not go unless you are interested in having sex with him or if you have a very clear and direct conversation with him in advance that you have no interest in being any more than platonic friends. Even then, I would not go - there are many activities to do in public when you're getting to know someone that range from free to expensive.
  8. Batya33
    I think the answer is that you wait until your mindset is positive because my guess is that your negative mindset will prove to be a self fulfilling prophecy. For the record, I have not had the experiences you describe so yes, there are good men out there!
  9. Batya33
    He's not yet interested in taking you out on a proper date. I wouldn't accept an invitation from someone I hardly know to "hang out" at a bar much less a last minute invitation. He's not playing a game - he is being direct about his level of interest which for now is to invite you to meet him at a bar so he doesn't have to put in the effort of planning a proper date where the two of you have time alone to talk.
  10. Batya33
    I would say any time you feel disrespected it is an issue that needs to be discussed and resolved. How often does he get drunk? It's not just a "guy" thing - people who are respectful of their SO's feelings would not behave in this way because of course it is controllable. It's fine if he notices an attractive woman, not fine if he stares or gawks in your presense. And it's not fine if he uses alcohol as an excuse to be rude.
  11. Batya33
  12. Batya33
    I don't believe in that myth of "when you least expect it" - I know some relationships that started that way and it's very sweet and romantic and yes if you're not looking and you happen to meet someone you probably won't be as self-conscious. The vast majority of my friends in happy healthy relationships and marriages met because they were in the mindset of looking and either they went to an on line dating site, did an activity that attracted members of the opposite sex (tennis, community theater, certain chairty work) or got set up by their friends or families on a blind date. Nothing wrong with it being on your mind each time you meet someone - I was the same way before I started dating my boyfriend.
  13. Batya33
    My opinion for what it's worth (and I will PM you too). It sounds like he feels pressured and suffocated. You are too giving and available and not challenging him - you give him oral sex, let him talk non stop without you getting any air time (I bet he doesn't ask about your day often, am I right?), etc. I say - lavish yourself a bit more and tell him that for the next month you will not have sex - you will have foreplay, kissing, hugging, etc but hold off on the sex. Make him see how it is to miss it. Some say - not sure if it's true - that the health of the sex life reflects the health of the rest of the relationship. I also think the disinterest in physical intimacy - hugging, kissing - may be unrelated to the disinterest in intercourse unless he feels that if he starts down that path - even friendly cuddling - you will want sex each time.
  14. Batya33
    Anything less than him calling you and saying "I made a huge mistake and I want to get back together" is meaningless, irrelevant. Focusing on that kind of internet logging in stuff will only make you crazy and overanalyze. It could be a variety of reasons - he misses you but not enough to want to get back together, he wants you to know he is checking your profile so that he can keep the door slightly open, he wants to see if you added any friends, etc. My advice - block him from viewing it.
  15. Batya33
    I think you ask for the results but I have to question why someone would have sex with someone she had serious doubts about trusting.
  16. Batya33
    It's what works for the couple. What works for us (we are dating, do not live together) is to talk at least once a day, share at least the important things we've done that day including decisions and we don't make weekend plans without checking in with each other. I will make independent plans on the nights I know he is not available (because of work or other social plans) but often I will check with him on weekday nights when he might be free before making other plans. We travel separately for business but together for vacation/holidays.
  17. Batya33
    I am a boss much of the time in my job. I try my best to be clear but what I notice is that those who I delegate to do the best job when they reply to my email of instructions or come to see me and say. OK - just to recap - you want - and then they list in detail every single thing I told them to do. sometimes that is a little frustrating for me if I'm busy but you know what - it's worth the time because then we know we're on the same page. In addition, if questions come up they email or call and ask. I will add the caveat that I appreciate very much when they don't come to me if the questions can be answered by someone lower down on the chain of command. For example, my secretary shouldn't call me first to ask a question about word processing - that is not what I do and she should ask another secretary first or the office manager if at all possible. I did not read your entire post but got the gist of it and hope that my advice was helpful.
  18. Batya33
    Just means that you believe it's better to be right than to be close. I believe it is better to be close than to be right in the context of making a relationship work.
  19. Batya33
    No birth control is 100%. I have brought up this topic directly and concisely. If you are not comfortable bringing it up you probably are not ready for that level of physical intimacy either. What I have said is "before we have s_x I need to know when the last time for you was - (if less than 6 months ago a test may not yet be effective) - I also need to know if you ever slept with anyone in a high risk category and to confirm that we will be monogamous. Tell him those aspects of your history and that you plan to be tested too. If he gets really offended and/or refuses it's simple - he is obviously not the guy for you.
  20. Batya33
    I think the problem is not that dating is a game but that you at this point lack the self esteem and self confidence to date and so you resort to blaming your lack of success on external factors like "dating is a game" and how all men are, etc. I promise - once you get a stronger sense of self esteem and self respect, interacting with others in a positive, productive way will mostly come naturally and if you find yourself so smitten you can't see straight, you may need to remind yourself of that self-worth and self-respect but it will just take a little reminder - like the snapping of a rubber band - not a full-blown "game." I like and enjoy challenging people. I am turned off by doormats both in friendship and dating. I don't go so far as to want what I cannot have, but my best conversations with my bf are when we challenge each other and are unafraid to express ourselves and our opinions because we feel secure in ourselves and secure in our relationship. One of the main reasons I used to stop at date one two or three with a new person was because of the vibes and energy of insecurity or clinginess - had nothing to do with looks or success, etc.
  21. Batya33
    Most of the men I have dated - and I have dated many men - prefer highly intelligent women.
  22. Batya33
    I think it's foolish and potentially dangerous to assume exclusivity unless there is that talk. You would have no idea if you are being exposed to STDs after you've both been tested because he is free to see and be with other women.
  23. Batya33
    What about those of us - like me- who wait a few months to several months to be s_xual - then is exclusivity still assumed? I think it's dangerous to assume exclusivity if you are being intimate in light of STDS, etc.
  24. Batya33
    I would say he would not be a good candidate for any job that requires positive reinforcement. Good luck (but you won't need it ;-)
  25. Batya33

    Hi

    Batya33 replied to englishwoman41's topic in Online Dating

    My question is why in the world would you generalize about "men" based on an experience with one jerk? I had three dates 13 years ago with a man who asked me to wear more makeup and said his mother would take me to get a makeover so I could learn how to wear makeup. I never dreamed of generalizing from that jerk that all people, much less all men had personality traits like that. When I did on line dating, I was very selective about who I would meet. There is sometimes a fine line between sarcasm and rudeness - particularly when the person doesn't know you well - and if it were me I wouldn't tolerate a man who commented on my clothes or makeup in the way you described. I would simply be grateful that I didn't see the jerk again and move on to find someone who was respectful and had compatible values with me.
×
×
  • Create New...