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Batya33

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Everything posted by Batya33

  1. Batya33
    I think the answer is that you wait until your mindset is positive because my guess is that your negative mindset will prove to be a self fulfilling prophecy. For the record, I have not had the experiences you describe so yes, there are good men out there!
  2. Batya33
    He's not yet interested in taking you out on a proper date. I wouldn't accept an invitation from someone I hardly know to "hang out" at a bar much less a last minute invitation. He's not playing a game - he is being direct about his level of interest which for now is to invite you to meet him at a bar so he doesn't have to put in the effort of planning a proper date where the two of you have time alone to talk.
  3. Batya33
    I would say any time you feel disrespected it is an issue that needs to be discussed and resolved. How often does he get drunk? It's not just a "guy" thing - people who are respectful of their SO's feelings would not behave in this way because of course it is controllable. It's fine if he notices an attractive woman, not fine if he stares or gawks in your presense. And it's not fine if he uses alcohol as an excuse to be rude.
  4. Batya33
  5. Batya33
    I don't believe in that myth of "when you least expect it" - I know some relationships that started that way and it's very sweet and romantic and yes if you're not looking and you happen to meet someone you probably won't be as self-conscious. The vast majority of my friends in happy healthy relationships and marriages met because they were in the mindset of looking and either they went to an on line dating site, did an activity that attracted members of the opposite sex (tennis, community theater, certain chairty work) or got set up by their friends or families on a blind date. Nothing wrong with it being on your mind each time you meet someone - I was the same way before I started dating my boyfriend.
  6. Batya33
    My opinion for what it's worth (and I will PM you too). It sounds like he feels pressured and suffocated. You are too giving and available and not challenging him - you give him oral sex, let him talk non stop without you getting any air time (I bet he doesn't ask about your day often, am I right?), etc. I say - lavish yourself a bit more and tell him that for the next month you will not have sex - you will have foreplay, kissing, hugging, etc but hold off on the sex. Make him see how it is to miss it. Some say - not sure if it's true - that the health of the sex life reflects the health of the rest of the relationship. I also think the disinterest in physical intimacy - hugging, kissing - may be unrelated to the disinterest in intercourse unless he feels that if he starts down that path - even friendly cuddling - you will want sex each time.
  7. Batya33
    Anything less than him calling you and saying "I made a huge mistake and I want to get back together" is meaningless, irrelevant. Focusing on that kind of internet logging in stuff will only make you crazy and overanalyze. It could be a variety of reasons - he misses you but not enough to want to get back together, he wants you to know he is checking your profile so that he can keep the door slightly open, he wants to see if you added any friends, etc. My advice - block him from viewing it.
  8. Batya33
    I think you ask for the results but I have to question why someone would have sex with someone she had serious doubts about trusting.
  9. Batya33
    It's what works for the couple. What works for us (we are dating, do not live together) is to talk at least once a day, share at least the important things we've done that day including decisions and we don't make weekend plans without checking in with each other. I will make independent plans on the nights I know he is not available (because of work or other social plans) but often I will check with him on weekday nights when he might be free before making other plans. We travel separately for business but together for vacation/holidays.
  10. Batya33
    I am a boss much of the time in my job. I try my best to be clear but what I notice is that those who I delegate to do the best job when they reply to my email of instructions or come to see me and say. OK - just to recap - you want - and then they list in detail every single thing I told them to do. sometimes that is a little frustrating for me if I'm busy but you know what - it's worth the time because then we know we're on the same page. In addition, if questions come up they email or call and ask. I will add the caveat that I appreciate very much when they don't come to me if the questions can be answered by someone lower down on the chain of command. For example, my secretary shouldn't call me first to ask a question about word processing - that is not what I do and she should ask another secretary first or the office manager if at all possible. I did not read your entire post but got the gist of it and hope that my advice was helpful.
  11. Batya33
    Just means that you believe it's better to be right than to be close. I believe it is better to be close than to be right in the context of making a relationship work.
  12. Batya33
    No birth control is 100%. I have brought up this topic directly and concisely. If you are not comfortable bringing it up you probably are not ready for that level of physical intimacy either. What I have said is "before we have s_x I need to know when the last time for you was - (if less than 6 months ago a test may not yet be effective) - I also need to know if you ever slept with anyone in a high risk category and to confirm that we will be monogamous. Tell him those aspects of your history and that you plan to be tested too. If he gets really offended and/or refuses it's simple - he is obviously not the guy for you.
  13. Batya33
    I think the problem is not that dating is a game but that you at this point lack the self esteem and self confidence to date and so you resort to blaming your lack of success on external factors like "dating is a game" and how all men are, etc. I promise - once you get a stronger sense of self esteem and self respect, interacting with others in a positive, productive way will mostly come naturally and if you find yourself so smitten you can't see straight, you may need to remind yourself of that self-worth and self-respect but it will just take a little reminder - like the snapping of a rubber band - not a full-blown "game." I like and enjoy challenging people. I am turned off by doormats both in friendship and dating. I don't go so far as to want what I cannot have, but my best conversations with my bf are when we challenge each other and are unafraid to express ourselves and our opinions because we feel secure in ourselves and secure in our relationship. One of the main reasons I used to stop at date one two or three with a new person was because of the vibes and energy of insecurity or clinginess - had nothing to do with looks or success, etc.
  14. Batya33
    Most of the men I have dated - and I have dated many men - prefer highly intelligent women.
  15. Batya33
    I think it's foolish and potentially dangerous to assume exclusivity unless there is that talk. You would have no idea if you are being exposed to STDs after you've both been tested because he is free to see and be with other women.
  16. Batya33
    What about those of us - like me- who wait a few months to several months to be s_xual - then is exclusivity still assumed? I think it's dangerous to assume exclusivity if you are being intimate in light of STDS, etc.
  17. Batya33
    I would say he would not be a good candidate for any job that requires positive reinforcement. Good luck (but you won't need it ;-)
  18. Batya33

    Hi

    Batya33 replied to englishwoman41's topic in Online Dating

    My question is why in the world would you generalize about "men" based on an experience with one jerk? I had three dates 13 years ago with a man who asked me to wear more makeup and said his mother would take me to get a makeover so I could learn how to wear makeup. I never dreamed of generalizing from that jerk that all people, much less all men had personality traits like that. When I did on line dating, I was very selective about who I would meet. There is sometimes a fine line between sarcasm and rudeness - particularly when the person doesn't know you well - and if it were me I wouldn't tolerate a man who commented on my clothes or makeup in the way you described. I would simply be grateful that I didn't see the jerk again and move on to find someone who was respectful and had compatible values with me.
  19. Batya33
    Why do you want to be chased, as opposed to desired and respected? The way it works in my relationship - and has worked this way in others - we each have a strong sense of self and self-respect so if one of use does not treat the other with respect or feels taken for granted, that person naturally distances himself/herself - not a game. I continue to desire and respect my bf because he stands up for himself with me and speaks his mind and I try to do the same. It's when one person behaves like a doormat that the other person may lose respect. So, check in with yourself and make sure that he is treating you with respect and caring. If you want him to chase you, those games are easy - the risk is that while he may "chase" you he will have trouble being on an even keel -comfortable - with you because he may feel insecure or that you are unpredictable. To get him to chase you, don't return his calls, act aloof, don't be too available to him. That will "work" with the risks (that would be unacceptable to me), that I described. Also keep in mind that if his focus is on the thrill of the chase he may not stick around once things settle into a more comfortable routine.
  20. Batya33
    Actually, I repeated exactly the same thoughts about his children, etc as in my previous posts. It is fine to like him - you are human. It is not fine to act on liking him by acting inconsistently with the commitment you made to your husband. There wouldn't need to be wedding vows if it wasn't assumed that at times there would be temptation.
  21. Batya33
    In my experience - and this might be unusual - the men who have been serious about me have wanted to know where I stand from early on - in the first month and have been very specific about their intentions and asked specific questions about mine. I personally could not be comfortable in your situation because I won't have sex unless there is exclusivity and strong potential for a future. If you are comfortable enough to have him inside your body, risk getting pregnant (because that is always a risk) then in my opinion you should be comfortable enough to discuss his intentions towards you. I wouldn't assume and think of it this way - if you are doing all these kinds of "relationship" thing how could he possibly think you were being pushy at this point to ask where you stand? I would hope he would respect that.
  22. Batya33
    I am not perfect and never claimed to be. If you want to be with this man you have a choice- you can divorce your husband and when the divorce is final you can be with this man (if he is divorced) or any other single man you want to be. Responding to my opinion by saying that I must think I'm perfect is just trying to evade the real issue here - you are about to be unfaithful and in a circumstance where there are young children involved. Please do whatever it takes to avoid damaging their lives - they did nothing wrong and are not responsible for your less than satisfying marriage. you say you want input but from your responses here it sounds like you're trying to justify your actions to yourself.
  23. Batya33
    You have total control over your actions and reactions to your feelings. You are choosing to react by acting inconsistently with your marriage vows. You can choose to be faithful and not be with this man but you are instead choosing to start an affair. I didn't say I thought being married was about being mature - I said that people have implied that it is. Your behavior - in my humble opinion - is far from mature. Your feelings are human of course - temptation is everywhere which is why there are marriage "vows" - your reaction to your feelings are inconsistent with the vows you took. Why not choose to not react to your feelings and instead honor your commitment to your husband and marriage? Apparently you want the benefits of marriage - otherwise you would divorce - but with the benefits come the obligations to be faithful even in the face of temptation. You are going to do what you're going to do despite what anyone says. I hope that by some miracle his children aren't impacted.
  24. Batya33
    How can you say you care for him when you are willing to take part in something that will eventually hurt his children deeply? Reading your post makes me feel better when tactless people imply or express that I am somehow less mature because I am not married. So-called "married" people like you make me remember that the status of being married doesn't always correlate to maturity, responsibility or integrity.
  25. Batya33
    I wouldn't be friends with, much less date, a man who was disrespectful enough to behave this way in front of his girlfriend or spouse. It's not a "guy thing" - it's a "rude/disrespectful - thing" It doesn't necesarily lead to cheating but it sure says a lot about his lack of character and integrity.
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