Batya33

The issue here is respect, not so much whether he would be faithful. If he chooses not to stop the behavior- and of course he can, if he wishes to - why not start checking out other men and see what he thinks.

My role as a girlfriend includes all I would do for a close friend - listening, being supportive, patient, dependable, loyal, nurturing. Beyond that I feel that I agree to see him at least on weekends, to attend couples/family functions with him if I can (and to make those a priority), to be respectful and express myself when I am angry or confused so things don't build up, etc. I also agree to be in regular touch with him. It's odd to answer this because these are all things I like to do - not what my "job" is. I guess my only obligation (although I want this to) is to be faithful since we are exclusive. All of the things I listed, he does for me too.

I would take as direct an approach as possible. Go back and ask if she'd like to have lunch or coffee sometime to continue your conversation. That way it won't be like you're asking for a full on date. If she says yes, close the deal - either set up a time/place then or get her phone number so you can follow up.

It's not that I don't it's that I have never found it to be effective since I only date for potentially serious long term relationships. many years ago it worked just fine if I just wanted to play kissy face for an evening. I have asked out several men and to me, equality for women in the workplace has nothing to do with female and male roles in a romantic relationship. At work I pursue what I want - I initiate contact with potential clients for example, etc. - in romantic relationships, in the very beginning I am friendly, warm, approachable and show interest - but allow the man to ask me out on a proper date. I say "allow" because I would be happy to do it if it seemed effective. No one I know is in a happy healthy long term relationship where the women did most of the asking, calling, planning in the first month or two of the relationship. What typically happens in that situation is either a casual fling, one or two dates and then a slow fade away by the man, or no response at all. I also find that the men i like appreciate that I can wear my professional hat at work - where I can be where needed aggressive, etc and remove that in social or dating situations where I am more "myself" i.e. softer, more feminine, etc. Feminine qualities are not really valued in my field (with a few exceptions) either by men or women. They are valued in my relationships and I think that's great.

Here's what I would do instead - no expecations until and unless there is a specific confirmed date - until then he is off your radar - and if he doesn't call that is all the confirmation/closure you need. That way, at least you save your pride and don't feel like you're chasing men.

Sounds like a convenient excuse to me - your so-called guilty feelings - you were too lazy to leave so you chose to have children with her. Nothing to do with positive values on your part. You've made your bed and your children shouldn't suffer for it. Why not go to marital counseling and see what can be salvaged or leave her so she can find someone to cherish her, make sure you co-parent those kids emotionally and financially - it's not their fault! - and move on.

You just have to be careful that what you call being picky/not settling is not simply an excuse not to put in the effort it takes to be in a relationship. for example - one very happily married man I know (married about 20 years) broke up with his now wife because she didn't like to camp and he loved to go camping. He realized he missed her terribly, that this was a compromise he could make and they have had a happy life together from what I understand. It depends what you are picky about - if she has to have a certain color eyes or hair that might be too picky but if you won't settle for someone with an incompatible sense of humor, that is more of a core value. Hope that makes sense. I know several people who have or are seriously contemplating settling. What is interesting is that before they get engaged they are very open about their doubts, etc and once the engagement is announced that talk stops completely and all talk is about the safe subjects of wedding planning, home buying, honeymoon, family planning.

I was told on a single blind date in about 45 minutes that: he wanted to keep his car until he had driven it the number of miles between earth and moon; he wanted to start a website for likeminded people; the last book he read was an audiobook - how to fall in love in 30 days (something like that) he collected a specific type of musical instrument world wide and spent hours on ebay searching for different countries' versions (ok that could be kind of interesting); he lived with his mother and they shared a bathroom. I also found out after a different blind date that he was into erotic origami. I don't make those things up. I have to say though, I find that sharing war stories can be bonding but it is so easy to get cynical and give up.

I think in a healthy relationship you can have all those things - I do. I pursue my career in a more confident way because my boyfriend is a great sounding board/brain stormer for the things I am trying to do, we each spend sufficient time with our friend alone, and I love that we call each other to check in - it's a nice warm/fuzzy feeling most of the time. As for money, I'm not so interested in acquiring things. not saying you should date but I don't think you need to justify the benefits of singledom by highlighting perceived negatives of being in a relationship - both have their advantages and disadvantages.

It's the fact that you were surprised that is confusing. If you assume your three month rule, little should surprise you in the first 6 weeks.

To me the most effective way is to make sure you attend events concerning interests you have so that approaching people won't seem automatically like you're trying to date the person - it might just be related to the reason you're both there. For example, I meet people through my volunteer work and at the parties that are given for my fellow volunteers and other volunteers at the organization. Other friends are involved in community theater, business or professional organizations or their temples/churches, etc. Meeting people this way breaks the ice and makes people feel less on guard when approached because the whole purpose of the event is to meet and talk with people.

Six weeks is six weeks and you chose to see her that often and get that intense. Better to get to know someone over time. Sounds like she liked the thrill and romance of a new relationship, then went on holiday, realized she missed being "free" and that was that. You can't truly count the first two months as a predictor of the future of the relationship because often it's so head over heels, thrilling, larger than life - and that is what a lot of people enjoy, not the comfort and stability of a long term relationship.

At this point I would stop being so available - spend a few minutes at the cafe, then leave. If he wants to spend time with you he has to make the effort to ask you out on a proper date he plans in advance.

I read to homeless children at the shelter they live at. They get a lot out of it and so do I - I enjoy it, I feel like I am contributing, etc. So, partly it's altruistic in that it's totally volunteer and partly I enjoy it. sometimes I don't feel like going and I go anyway because it is the right thing to do. I'm not sure that we have to focus on total altruism in order to add to the good in this world - if we held that as the standard, most people wouldn't even consider helping others if they thought it would be looked at as at least partly selfish. I don't believe on focusing on testing your altruism by considering "would I take a bullet for anyone" - I believe in focusing on actions that increase the good in this world, small and large.

I am a successful/educated professional, financially independent, have been so for the last 12 years. I typically date men from my profession. I live similar to you and in a major city (but I do not drive). I have never had the issue you describe and, indeed, my dating life improved when I went into this field (I used to work with young children). The men appreciate that I am independent, reasonably sophisticated, etc. Here is one thing I would consider - think carefully about what vibes you give off when you have the man over - are you giving off the vibe of pride in what you own, is your home welcoming and cozy? I am sure you've considered all this. I think it is easier to be in "our" situation in a larger city where perhaps the people who live there are more openminded including about women being at that kind of level.

If it were me I would not have called to ask if he wanted to go on a date he had suggested. I would have waited for him to call me to confirm the date - if we had agreed on a specific time and place I would show up at that time, etc. if he hadn't then it's not confirmed and he needs to call you to firm up plans.

I had that problem until I was a young adult. what helped me a lot was visualizing the tablet going down and focusing on that mind set.

This is fairly simple. First of all cyber dating is not real dating so you are not in a dating or romantic relationship with him. You have now discovered that you are incompatible with respect to some important values of yours. Be thankful that you learned this now and take it as a lesson to not get attached to typing and talking with someone in advance of meeting in person. Whether any of us would be ok with it (I certainly would not be for two reasons - the porn and his justification "easy money" - I don't respect that type of reasoning) is irrelevant. Know yourself and your boundaries and that makes the answer simple.

The issue is that according to some, if you let your boyfriend pick up the tab you are taking advantage of him in some way. That is what I do not agree with. In my field, the child care issue is one women and men face. For example, if a woman with no children has a social plan - maybe family related, maybe not, and a woman with children wants to go watch her son's soccer game and one person needs to work late, who gets priority? Particularly for single women, their dating needs - i.e. trying to find a husband -- might be seen as less important than a woman with children wanting to go to that soccer game, ballet recital, or other child-centered events. I am specifically excluding child-related emergencies because I think we all have to be flexible about family emergencies which all people face. Now, if the woman with children has chosen a flex or part time schedule then she is entitled to leave early to attend to her children because she has agreed to the lower salary in exchange for that time. It is when two full time people are involved - whether male or female. It also depends on whether you see the decision to have children as one that should be supported by employers and if so, how much. To me, it is a choice whether to have children and in many respects a privilege and a blessing so there are times when I would prefer not to be burdened with extra work simply to allow a mother to go to that soccer game. There are times when it is fine with me. It's complicated!

Yes and that is where we disagree. I don't think equal pay for equal work can be compared to how men and women choose to relate in their personal/private relationships. If a man chooses to reject my offer to contribute half to our dating activities my alternatives are to accept his offer, reject his offer and write a check if he won't take the $ (I have tried this - the check never got deposited), or refuse to do the activity unless he accepts my offer to pay which seems in most cases like a lose-lose. Or I can only date men who will accept my offer to pay my own way all the time no matter what. I have yet to meet a man like that in 25 years of dating. In short I don't think that form of "equality" - splitting everything neatly down the middle - makes for a healthy relationship where it is done in the name of "well since you want that in the workplace you'd better pay half of every meal we share and let's keep a running tab of who spent what." For example, how does that work where the woman or man orders a more expensive dish? Who gets to take the doggy bag home? What if she buys icecream but he eats more than half? (this is a paraphrase of a scene in the movie the Joy Luck Club). At work it is cut and dry. You're not supposed to be doing social activities or personal activities together as part of your job, and when you are social, typically the firm will pay for it, or a client - anything else is personal time not work time.

Instead of focusing on "but I love him!!" Ask yourself "do I like him" and "what do we have in common as far as values?"

One thing I have learned - dating requires a really thick skin where you owe it to yourself to self-protect until you are in an established relationship with someone. Maybe kissing someone you are not dating doesn't work for you because you get attached. Here are some of the things that have happened to me but I never got cynical - Several enthusiastic offers of second dates followed by cancellations or fade aways (no follow up calls to confirm) Men who just want s_x (although I never gave in to one of those, never would) Several shorter term relationships - 3-5 months that ended because they guy, head over heels at first, slowly pulled away Crushes where the guy ended up with someone else Being told he wasn't ready for a relationship and then he gets engaged a year later to someone else. Yes yes it is hurtful at times but if you know your worth - if you have reasonable self esteem - those hurtful experiences don't have to hurt you to the core - or, at least no further than some haagen dazs can sooth! Don't let yourself get attached before he says he wants to be exclusive and he sees a future - and his actions show it. Easier said than done but if you don't those jerky guys or the ones who didn't click with you are the real winners if you end up cynical.

I don't see anything wrong in one person in a romantic relationship accepting offers to pay from another person no matter what the other person makes or has. To insist on paying one's own way in the face of a sincere offer to treat can be offensive to the other person and patronizing - who am I to say to the other person that he doesn't have the capacity to decide how to spend his money? In my case, my boyfriend takes great pleasure in treating me to dinner and events, refuses my offers to pay and lets me pay about 30% of the time (and I also sneak in treating by buying tickets on my credit card in advance, things like that). I rarely ask him to carry packages - I do just as he would if I cannot handle it on my own. Rather, being the gentleman and lovely person he is, he offers to help and I accept his offer. If he did not offer instead watching me struggle with heavy packages I would find that rude. I offer to help others and him with packages - it's called common courtesy. If I thought he was so gullible as to let himself be taken advantage of by me or by anyone else, I would not be with him - that sounds fairly spineless and naive to me. I do know women who take advantage of men for free meals and other "treats" - I know I am not one of them and more importantly, he knows I am not one of them. He loves that I am a financially independent woman with a successful career and shows this in so many ways. That he also likes to have the gentlemanly/traditional male role when it comes to matters of the heart is perfectly consistent with that. He would be offended - this I know - were I to insist on paying my own way each and every time and splitting the bill. When he won't let me do that, he is very firm on that point and to challenge him would make him question why I am not willing to accept his generosity. Same as I would be offended if he tried to pay his "share" of what I pay my laundry and drycleaning service for his clothes, or for the food I buy or take out to prepare meals, or that I keep his favorite sodas and treats stocked in my refrigerator. These are some of the things I enjoy giving to him in our relationship. He has tried to pay me back when I get tickets for us to the movies. I don't let him and he accepts that offer. I expect - and get - equal treatment in the workplace - that has to do the work I do and the agreed upon compensation for the work I do. If I dated someone who kept an account of who paid what or wanted to split everything evenly to the penny I would find that cold and impersonal. I am not like that with most of my friends, either. We take turns treating and I am sure in some cases I pay more often and in others they pay more often. I don't care - it's a friendship and that's part of being friends and being giving and generous. If I get married, I am all for things being fair. One problem is how to quantify child care and how much that is "worth." I am fortunate that since I have saved $ for many years because I would like to be able to stay home with a child and still contribute my fair share to the family income, my staying home for awhile likely will not impact the family income. I do not expect a man to shoulder 100% of the financial burden particularly at my age. I know we will continue to disagree. Honestly, I have to wonder where your strident tones come from when you present your views on women and how we have to be ready to accept "equality" (whatever that means to you - still unclear) in a relationship if we want equality in the workplace. It seems to come from a begrudging or resentful place and that is sad.

Hmmm. You're a mom (and seems like you're a great one!) - you know how kids would rather have negative attention than be totally ignored? Apply that to your boyfriend. Not in a game playing way - in a non-reaction way. Now, if he holds up your schedule or planning you simply say - ok it's fine to keep the plans tentative but that means I will go ahead and make other plans if I feel like, ok? Don't show that it bugs you and just nonchalantly go about your business. If he shows up at your door with that impish grin, ignore it and again be nonchalant. Wow - it sounds like I am advocating game playing/putting on an act. Well, I have done that to get kids to behave and he is acting a bit childish, yes? So . . . . . Anyway, just my two cents "what do I know" - hope it helps!

I am sure that's the case! I am very lucky (!) in that, even though I joined a traditionally male-dominated career, I have had wonderful mentors - both men and women throughout my career - and mentored others. I have never done too close a comparison of my salary to others but in general I feel treated fairly without having to "act like a man" which I believe some women feel they need to do in order to be treated equally. I do think there are still major issues in how to handle flex time arrangements for women who are the primary caretakers for young children. In my career there is constant experimentation with different arrangements but nothing so far has worked globally - some women individually have good arrangements that are also fair. With all that, yup, I expect a man to try to hold the door for me if possible or let me go into the elevator first unless there are others waiting. So there ;-)