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Batya33

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Everything posted by Batya33

  1. Batya33
    I believe you phrased it that way for a reason - you wanted to get attention, just like you chose to get drunk so that you could get the attention you needed from this man and then blame it on the alcohol. See these as signs and realize that you are at risk for this type of behavior recurring if you don't treat the root of the problem.
  2. Batya33
    I think you can fall in love with the image you have of them from typing and talking on the phone - but most of the time that is not the same as loving the person in real life. Also, falling in love doesn't mean much until you have spent in person time with the person on a consistent basis - then you can see if falling in love turns into loving actions that continue on both your parts over time even when that headiness fades.
  3. Batya33
    I would however make sure that his habit of not calling you when he is upset even when you have plans does not happen again. Also, how often does he go out and get drunk? Does he do this every time he's upset? This is the time to get to know the real him - to do that, you must not focus so much on whether he likes you but on whether you like him and his values.
  4. Batya33
    I think the woman should return all calls promptly, express appreciation for the guy putting effort into planning dates, thank him while on the date, etc - but in the first month or so of dating before it is exclusive/serious I think it works best for the guy to do most of the asking out (not all, just most). In my experience with dating (25 years of it) I realize that people might misread no interest as interest, etc. but I have found that if a man is truly interested in me and available, he will ask me out on a date, in advance, that he plans. I realize that you might ask women out who say no - that you might misread signs as "interest" when they are not truly interested or that they might have been interested but changed their minds- the same has happened to me when I have asked out men and when men I thought for sure were interested didn't call for another date. Dating requires a thick skin on both sides. As I mentioned, perhaps some day men and women will ask each other out on dates equal parts of the time and there won't be this sort of "structure" where the man is typically the main "pursuer" for lack of a better term - in the beginning. But for me to advise someone to buck the trend and pursue men - do most of the asking in the beginning - would be bad advice if she wanted a relationship. I do not agree that if the man does most of the asking he is more interested than the woman. I let a man take that role because I find that it works best for both of us. I may be equally or more interested and thereforeeee I will return his calls promptly and make it clear that I would love to see him again, etc. (but even if I don't for some reason -- maybe I am tired that night or not feeling well and he misreads that as a sign of non-interest -- a man who is truly interested will call anyway).
  5. Batya33
    The way you asked the question reflects that you aren't thinking of women as individuals or, really, as "people." Every woman is different and should be treated as such. In general normal people like kindness, generosity, understanding, tactfulness, etc. in varying degrees depending on context and the person involved. There is nothing that makes all women happy in the sense you're asking. It made a woman I know very happy for her husband to order all her food for her at a restaurant, all the time. That would make me sick. Some women aren't happy unless they're hearing from their significant others every hour and some women only want to hear from him every few days. What really makes people happy is to be treated like individuals - that might be as far as one can go in generalizing.
  6. Batya33
    I don't think it does as long as both people are on the same page - and that can be tricky particularly if one person says he/she is fine with casual dating but secretly wishes/hopes for more. What I would not advise is being intimate with more than one person at a time for both health and emotional reasons.
  7. Batya33
    When you decided to get married was it with the expectation that she would change as far as her ability to communicate with you? Did you discuss this with her before you got married? Since you knew this about her and you weren't satisfied or fulfilled, why did you decide to have two kids? My guess is that since this issue has been there since the beginning perhaps it is you who have changed in your expectations. That is fine, but realize that it might come as a surprise to your wife since for a long time you were fine with the way things were - fine enough to stay married and have two kids. I do empathize because to me being able to talk with one's partner in a comfortable and meaningful way is essential - it is a huge part of loving. Sounds like counseling could work and also sounds like she is angry with you (not sure why) and that this is a reason for the distance. I hope for the kids' sake you put your all into working on this marriage for at least the next year.
  8. Batya33
    Because it is safer that way - you get to pine away for the person, think about the person all the time, reject people who are sincerely interested because you are "in love," get attention from others for being so deep and "intense" etc. You don't have to date real people with all their flaws, etc and you never have to worry about being in a truly committed relationship, with all of its downsides. That is not what I am about but what I have seen other people be about.
  9. Batya33
    In that way, treat dating like a job - you wouldn't just "blurt out" certain things on an interview, right? Of course be honest but have that all important filter and learn how to avoid "blurting things out." It will help in your friendships too. When I was your age there was no email or texting. You called, period. We also went to college and had classes together - didn't matter. I would not text him - it's very indirect, etc as I said before. Just my opinion.
  10. Batya33
    I respect your opinion. The majority of the time, when a man is single, truly interested in a woman and emotionally available and stable he will do the asking. Most of the time, if the woman does the asking it is ineffective because the man is not that interested. Part of the time I have found that men, initially interested in the woman or at least considering it, are turned off by the woman initiating a date. You are correct that it "should" be the way you described. I have found that it is not the way you described and thereforeeee advising women to do the asking is not the best advice I find.
  11. Batya33
    A few things. If you are going to contact him I think texting is a bad idea. Pick up the phone and call him. You will not know if he received the text, will not know if your words were misinterpreted and if you don't want to seem pushy to me a text is just as "pushy" just more transparent/indirect. Also, if I go out with someone three times unless we have a specific time/place for our next date I assume I probably won't hear from him again. That sounds negative but it is they way I self-protect. It is too soon for us to have an understanding and it is only three dates. If he is into you, he will call and after three dates I don't think he should feel put upon in having to call for fourth date. Finally, as much as it is nice to bond over stories about exes, etc that can backfire and make the date feel more like a therapy session, not as much fun - even though it's intense it's almost too intense and detracts from the budding romance. Honesty is great but I don't think that's the same as "telling all" - the subject of specifics about exes should be avoided if at all possible so that the two of you can get to know each other and have fun!
  12. Batya33
    All I know from my own experience and that of the hundreds of women I have met and spoken to about this (ages 20s to 40s mostly) is that I know of no happy long term healthy relationships where the woman did most of the asking out on dates and planning for dates, and calling in the first month or so of the relationship. Now, of course, that might be because no one wants to change the way things are currently done, but unless a person wants to be a crusader and work to change the way it is, I would say that on the whole it is ineffective for a woman interested in a man for a long term relationship to do most of the asking out on dates in the beginning stages (before they are dating steadily/exclusively). Typically, a man who is interested, emotionally available and emotionally stable will ask a woman out first even if he is shy. I think it's fine for women to ask men out - I am talking more of a woman who does most of the asking for the first month - bu typically those do not turn into happy long term relationships. You are correct - I have been asked out far more than I have done the asking - but my reason for not asking is not because I am afraid of rejection or don't want to put in the effort but because it is ineffective unless I am looking for a fling (which I never am). I also know of many men who are flattered to be asked out but for whatever reason choose the woman who they initiate the dates with in the beginning to be with on a long term basis. Often I hear the stories of "how we met" and it is with pride that the men describe the initial way they courted the woman - true, sometimes it is with a tinge of "ugh I had to do all that work" but it is mostly pride. On the other hand, women must put in the effort to show sincere interest and to be friendly and approachable to make the asking part easier for the man. Perhaps someday things will change.
  13. Batya33
    At this point as tempting as it is I would stay away from the "hopelessly in love" analysis. Be a lot more practical and hard-headed. When that "hopelessly in love" fades a bit and becomes a bit less thrilling, heady, etc. how would you feel then if you gave up your opportunity to have (biological) children for this man? It's hard to think that way, I know, but you owe it to yourself and to him to be brutally honest with yourself. When your friends start having babies, will you be able to be around them and think "yes, I wanted that but I am glad I got to keep my man even if it meant not having babies." Maybe that will work for you, maybe not - but giving it up for some lofty notions of hopeless love may not get you there, ten plus years down the road when the decision starts to have more of a timing element than it does now. What I would do - once his life settles down a bit with these crises he is experiencing, tell him you want nothing more than to be in his life - when he definitively decides about having kids. That you don't want to get more attached to him knowing his current position on having kids. Or, you can give yourself one or two more years of dating him and then decide how you feel about it - it just might be much harder then because of the increased attachment.
  14. Batya33
    I am glad you discussed this and, in a way, since his views fluctuate, they may change back. It's not surprising that they would fluctuate again at a time like this. Do you think there was anything sabotaging in your reason for bringing this up at the time you did? It was pretty likely that he would not give a positive answer right now, right?
  15. Batya33
    If a girl is very friendly and approachable - lets you know she likes you - you know she is interested- then you will ask her out if you are interested too, right? She doesn't have to be the one to actually ask you out on a date for you to know she's interested, right? I understand that a woman makes your day by asking you out. How many of these women have you gone out with long term? How many of your friends are in long term happy relationships where the women did most of the asking out on each date for the first month or more (i.e. the woman not only asked the man out for the first time but for most of the subsequent dates in the next month or two?). For what it's worth - I have asked out several guys and it's not easy and not that hard either. I've flattered most of those guys, ended up going on a date or two with most of them. None of them turned into real relationships. Not sure if that shows anything, but did want to share.
  16. Batya33
    Maybe the thing to do is to seriously consider not drinking anymore or at the very least not having more than one drink particularly if you are in a vulnerable situation to begin with. The choice to drink is also part of the "choice." There is a great article in the October 2006 Oprah magazine on women and alcohol.
  17. Batya33
    One of my best friends told me a few years ago to make sure to make plans with yourself - and call it a "date" - to have the mindset that you do indeed have plans - even if the plan is to read a book, watch a movie or call some friends. And, if I were you, if he does call you last minute and you are still in the non-exclusive stage I would not accept the plan unless there's a really good reason - i.e. an emergency situation or he just won tickets to something - don't be the afterthought, the "last minute girl" - you might have fun that night but he will know he doesn't have to put in effort for the privilege of your company.
  18. Batya33
    I agree that it was the wrong time to bring it up - my question is, why wasn't this discussed early on before you got involved? I realize that you feel you are too young to marry/have kids but since you apparently know you won't date someone seriously who you would never marry, why didn't you bring it up earlier? I also realize you don't want to come on too strong in the beginning but there are ways of exploring the issue without making it specific to you - just talking about views on family, having kids in a more casual sense. If having kids is a must for you then it is clear - although unfortunate - that he likely is not the guy for you.
  19. Batya33
    What I've seen work many times for people in your age range is to get involved - either back stage or front stage - with community theater. Something about working on a play together (and if you're shy, you can do backstage - costume design, lighting, set construction, etc) seems to bond people both friendships and romantically in a low-key but really fun setting where the focus is not on finding a mate. If not theater then find something similar where you're working on a fun project and the project, not socializing, is the main focus. Good luck!
  20. Batya33
    How would you feel if your spouse or significant other were to say to you "but it only happened once!"? Take this as a sign that you do want a relationship and use that sign to create an environment in which you can have a relationship with a single and emotionally available man. I would get tested ASAP for STD's and then tested again in six months. I would not beat myself up over what you did other than decide never to do it again and never ever to have contact with him unless it has to do with STDs and then I would have a trusted friend contact him on your behalf.
  21. Batya33
    While it may not be cheating - i.e. he may not be having sex with these women - it is inconsistent with commitment and probably - though not definitely - just a matter of time before he does meet one of these women in person. Aren't you worried about STDs or him getting one of these women pregnant?
  22. Batya33
    This is why when I did on line dating I emailed back and forth once or twice, spoke on the phone for about 20 minutes and then made a plan to meet if we clicked. That's it. I didn't want any further interaction because I didn't want to get attached or have unrealistic expectations of a complete stranger before meeting in person and seeing if there was even potential to go further. I agree that a person should treat others with courtesy and call to cancel a date if need be or not simply disappear, but on line dating, like all dating, requires somewhat of a thick skin. If you email with someone for 6 weeks you are risking getting attached to the email image of the person, which feels real and if something like this happens you get upset. If you simply focus on those who are on link removed for the purpose of meeting in person as soon as possible, then you prevent this sort of attachment prior to meeting in person. Once in awhile I made exceptions and e-mailed for longer and it was in general a mistake particularly when we met in person, there was no chemistry or we otherwise didn't click, and it was much harder to say no to a second date because of the history. It's not worth it in my opinion.
  23. Batya33
    During times in my life when I was feeling fragile or vulnerable- particularly after a break up - sometimes I would misread signals as signals of interest or see even a little friendliness as full blown interest. I don't think there was anything wrong with asking him for coffee but I wouldn't ask anyone to have coffee, or anything else for that matter unless you are feeling confident and prepared for rejection (whether you meant it romantically or otherwise).
  24. Batya33
    I think the main problem is when people presume that because they've been typing and talking to this on line person for months that somehow the safety concerns are lessened and that it is not like meeting a complete stranger. I think as long as you presume, for purposes of safety, that you are meeting a complete stranger and act accordingly, that makes the most sense. The internet can give someone a very false sense of ehnanced comfort, security and familiarity based on intense on line conversations. That intense connection, etc might turn out to be true in real life but when it comes to safety the presumption should be "complete stranger." Similarly, I wouldn't go home with someone I met at a bar, or on the first date unless we already knew each other or he knew close friends of mine who vouched for him and knew him well. Even then .. . .
  25. Batya33
    Sounds like the problem here is that she is trying to figure out what is good for her. There is no rule book but perhaps sharing experiences that might relate to her specific experience and provide insight would be helpful.
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