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Batya33

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Everything posted by Batya33

  1. Batya33
    I would not make myself as available to him so that he will figure out that if he wants to see you he has to call you and make a plan in advance. In addition, try and find out if he ever had a girlfriend where he asked her out and they started dating - to see if that is something he "ever" did. I don't think asking guys out is effective in general and it doesn't seem like he is shy as far as interacting with you. You could mention that there is a movie you'd like to see, etc and see if he steps up to the plate. Right now it could be he doesn't need to ask you out on a proper date because you're always available to hang out with him.
  2. Batya33
    I think it's fine as long as there are no sexual activities involved that can spread STDs. I did not used to tell other men I was dating others unless they asked to be exclusive. I did not ask other men if they were dating more than one person either. I would find it offensive if a man gave me details other than "I am not ready to be exclusive" - if he said "I am dating other women as well" I guess that's fine but I don't want to hear the blow by blow nor did I share that type of information. In certain weeks I would have three second or third dates all in that week. No problem in my book - definitely not cheating. I would not sleep with more than one man at a time though for several reasons including the fact that I don't "do" casual sex and wouldn't want to be dating someone who did at that time (if he did in the past I probably would be ok with it). There are men who insisted on exclusivity basically from the beginning. One didn't want to meet me through an on line service unless I wasn't dating anyone else because it was long distance. I declined - I didn't see a point in closing off my options before I even met the guy. In my current relationship, we've been officially dating for a little over a year and for certain reasons discussed whether to start dating again for a few weeks before we actually did. We've been exclusive since we started actually dating but that is somewhat unusual in my experience.
  3. Batya33
    I believe you are the one who posted about packing an overnight bag for a first date. Rule number one, wink wink - don't go out with a man who tells you to do this.
  4. Batya33
    I think it's unclear. What comes to mind is that at his age he may not have a lot of experience with women. He is intelligent, well rounded, etc but could just be awkward around women. I think he is interested but I'm not clear if that goes beyond flirty friends or whether he wants to be in a relationship with you. It's nice that you get to see each other often on a casual basis but it also means he doesn't have to put much effort into seeing you - or go so far as to ask you out on a proper date. Maybe don't hang around quite as much and see if he comes looking for you. ps - love your screen name! pss - wow - I'd love to be a college student again and get to watch movies every night! ;-)
  5. Batya33
    Yes, I think you do unless there is a reasonable excuse. I'm not good in general with unreliable people, boyfriend, friend, colleague, otherwise.
  6. Batya33
    Could he be content enough after a while to come back? Will whatever he experienced be enough at some point? Is it possible? Or am i jst being way to idealistic? Here's the thing - first, please please do not let him share details or ask for any if you ever talk to this jerk, I mean person, again. Yes it is possible that he will miss you so much that he will realize that he doesn't want to be with anyone else and will tell you what a silly mistake it was to even say what he said. There is also a chance he will be with one other person and realize the same thing. I would treat it as o-v-e-r for the sake of your sanity. Let him do his thing, you do yours and if he returns to you please don't make it easy for him to have you back as if nothing has happened.
  7. Batya33
    What I do is I give it a chance - meaning if it is a new person in my life I will see him 3 or 4 times and if at that point I still do not want to kiss him, I will move on and not see him romantically anymore. In your case it's a little unusual because you were attracted enough to have s_x with him. My guess is that you got your expectations raised through the typing/talking and expected it to be phenomenal. Why not see him a few more times and if you still feel the same, break things off.
  8. Batya33
    You will be strong and it is a simple message: I don't buy your reasoning for wanting to be with other women. I respect that that is how you feel about it, but I can't relate to it. I am not comfortable being with you if that is your choice. Go and do what you feel you need to do and if you decide you want to get back together with me, you can call me at that time, and if I am still interested and available I will but I am going to move on too. If you do end up with other women I would want to start over, just date, no sex so that I can rebuild trust and make sure it is safe health-wise to be intimate with you. Please don't contact me while you are "exploring" because I need to move on - I will miss you but I have to care about myself more than you at this time.
  9. Batya33
    Nothing to do with gender. There are people who at times are just interested in sex talk and nothing else. Your choice whether to interact with them. I wouldn't waste the time analyzing "why" because it seems pretty transparent, pun intended.
  10. Batya33
    I'm 40 and I had a lot of positive attention from on line dating (was active for about a year or so and a few months here and there during a 4 year period in my mid-late 30s) - most of the men I dated were right around my age but I dated one man who was 4 years younger and a few who were a few years older. There were hundreds of men to choose from in my age group. Myspace is probably not the appropriate place for you because that seems very young (my teenage nieces are on it, etc).
  11. Batya33
    I would be VERY careful because he is one step away from sex talk (at which point, when I used to meet men in person through on line sites, I would run and not meet the person). Also he is building this up unecesarily and likely chatting this way with several other women. What I would do - tell him that until you know him in person you are uncomfortable with those kinds of comments - yes, you assume his intentions are honorable but you need to know someone in person before getting into all of that. See how he responds - he may be offended and say "but I was just expressing my feelings!" In that case he is being self-absorbed and remind him that it is "too much too soon" for your comfort. I would not have this conversation on line. I would have it on the phone and on that phone call set up the time/place to meet in person and see if that is on his agenda or if he just likes to flirt/chat. If it were me I would say "next" - I have been in that situation - but if you want to give him a chance to cut it out, that's what I would do. (usually I cut that kind of talk off at the chase as soon as it happens with a "thanks, that's sweet, mind if we wait for that kind of stuff until we meet in person?")
  12. Batya33
    If you want to decrease the trauma I would: separate from your wife, throw your energy into co-parenting the kids, and when your divorce is final for a year (divorce, not separation) go to the other woman if she is still interested/available (break off all contact with her other than a monthly check in call if you must). This way, your kids will suffer less, you will be able to clear your head by being legally single for at least a year and that hopefully will allow you to see if you are still emotionally available to the other woman or whether you realize that that was meant to be just an affair and/or that you don't feel you can trust yourself to be faithful to her the way you weren't trustworthy in your marriage. If it is meant to be with the other woman it will be when you are legally single for a significant amount of time. Any other path continues your approach of self-interest and as a married man with kids and responsibilities to them you can't really continue that, can you?
  13. Batya33
    Take it as a learning experience and figure out why you were vulnerable to a man like this. Of course when he was "sweet" it must have been very exciting but when you feel better, work on how to feel better about yourself so that you are not vulnerable to this type of person - either romantically or in any other area of your life. All the best to you.
  14. Batya33
  15. Batya33
    Oh I totally agree. I was just responding to the poster who opined that many people who go for a college degree are materialistic. I do think it's probably easier to be a successful philanthropist if you have a higher degree - allows you to network more easily with those who can invest $, can give you a license to permit you to help even more (i.e. social work, medicine, law, nursing, etc.) and probably adds to the diversity of one's perspective depending on what the degree is in. Anyway, I gave my advice to the OP - sorry to continue on this tangent, just wanted to explain.
  16. Batya33
    Ten or fifteen years down the road you'll see that most popular girl in high school has little correlation to happy adult woman.
  17. Batya33
    What is your basis for that statement? Most of the people I know who have a college degree - including myself - have used it to make this world a better place. Many people make more $ not getting a college degree - the constant list of names of wealthy people who never went to college. I could not help the people I do without the advanced degree I have and the license that resulted from it. Before the advanced degree, I taught inner city children - again not something I would have been permitted to do where I am from without a degree. And, of course I could not make the charitable contributions I do ($, I mean) if I did not make a comfortable living which in turn is a direct result of my degrees and the work I have done. My experience is typical of so many people I know, who have advanced degrees or college degrees and either have a career in the non profit world, do volunteer work/community service and/or contribute significant sums to charitable organizations. I am sorry that you know many people who go to college for materialistic reasons. I'd be curious to know what percentage of well known philanthropists have at least a college degree - I am sure many do.
  18. Batya33
    That might "work" but why would a woman want to resort to that type of behavior to "get" a man. Seems to me a man who would otherwise not have been interested would not be much of a prize. And that assumes that the woman would be comfortable with no strings attached s_x.
  19. Batya33
    One possiblity is that for those who insist on a strong spark at all times - that they are only happy when things are dramatic or exciting while others are content with a spark that was strong in the beginning and then fades some/needs to be reignited. If there was a spark it can be reignited. Sometimes that means giving another person space if you are feeling taken for granted - let them see what it is like to miss you (not to play a game, just to honor the natural "dance of intimacy"). Sometimes it means doing a new activity together or adopting a pet. I remember being re-sparked seeing my then bf directing a backstage crew for a play - just seeing him in a new light, a new context reignited the spark. Sure, for some the spark is always strong, always there, no effort or work involved. For those who don't want to put any effort into reigniting a spark, they likely will leave at the first sign of "boredom" or the blahs. I think it is rare to always feel a strong spark particularly over time. I think it can be fun to reignite it particularly if both of you are game to put the effort in. I don't think a spark can be forced. I have been out with men who are very handsome, charming, intelligent but . ... for whatever reason they left me cold. Made perfect sense to me - sometimes it just isn't there.
  20. Batya33
    Yes but those heady feelings do not necesarily mean that the two of you are right for each other long term. Sometimes, there is no correlation between the two.
  21. Batya33
    In my experience even shy men muster up the "courage" to at least ask a woman out for coffee and if they don't it's typically because they're just not that interested (although of course would be flattered to be asked out - but it wouldn't raise their level of interest in a relationship). Those who are so painfully shy that they can't even manage that with a woman they are interested in are likely not emotionally available for a healthy relationship - suggests that they would have serious problems interacting during a date let alone during a relationship. If you truly believe that it is shyness precluding you from asking him out, ask him out for a "non date" - suggest a lunch during the day, an outing with a group of friends - that should be a strong enough signal of your interest. In this case though since he had a girlfriend he likely knows full well how to initiate asking out a woman on a date (unless she did all the initiating due to his "shyness") Just my humble opinion. Good luck!
  22. Batya33
    People will treat you the way you treat yourself. Has nothing to do with whether it's a date, at work or with family or friends. He's entitled to assume from here on out that you are available for casual sex, he doesn't have to plan anything or take you out to any public place and he is entitled to assume that this is the kind of behavior that is typical for you. You are lucky that you weren't hurt physically and you might want to consider getting tested for STDS. I wouldn't know how to rate such a date because I would never accept such an "invitation" in the first place.
  23. Batya33
    I would get the degree akin to taking your medicine. Future employers are not going to "buy" your explanation as to why you didn't get a college degree - more and more a degree is a minimum prerequisite for most white collar jobs and probably even some blue collar. So swallow your distaste for "regurgitation" and not wanting to learn in the way that you are expected to at college (or find a more progressive type of college) and see this as a means to an end. When you are done you will have many more options. If you stop now there is a high risk that you will never go back. I am biased because without the educational background I have I would never have achieved anything near what I have and have the options I do career wise and financially. It is worth it, in my humble opinion to somehow make it through.
  24. Batya33
    It's interesting that you readily admit that you judge those who make judgments about having s_x early on. I'm impressed with that - it's very honest on your part. Often I find that those with more conservative views are judged as "too conservative" or out of step with modern realities, etc. but are called judgmental if they judge those who are ok with casual s_x. As for me I say no judgments whatsoever - to each her own/his own as long as it's two consenting adults and each one is honest about his/her intentions, STD issues, pregnancy/abortion issues and almost more importantly, honest with him/herself about what the expectations are from the encounter. Very cool that you know yourself so well.
  25. Batya33
    Hmmm- do you think maybe what attracted you initially - that sort of masculine reserved style - is what is not working now that the initial excitement has faded and you are looking for the day to day communication more than the "head over heels" feeling? I strongly agree with you that yes, even in couples where the conversation seems to "flow" there are times - maybe even much of the time - when you both need to adapt your communication styles to suit the other person. For example, when my bf is very busy or tired and he nevertheless wants to hear a story I want to share, I give it to him in sound-bite version (I also offer to wait for later but sometimes he really does want to hear it then) - rather than the longer version given the situation. One more question - is what you are feeling when he doesn't give an opinion that he doesn't "care" enough about what you care about? Good luclk!!
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