lauragutierrez

As for the rest, the latest is that he got a job in Kuwait. He told me on a Wednesday that he was going to start beginning of August and that I needed to organise all my things to leave the house around that time as he has to empty everything and thereforeeee I need to go. For the last two weeks I have been up to walls organising everything. That is why I didn't write here. I notified at my work only last week that I am leaving and I have to get out soon. He says the job over there is a good opportunity to have a break and he came home with a booking for an air ticket for me to go back to Spain. I was actually going to go back regardless but for reasons of my course, visa and work here I was trying to make the effort to last till October as it was more convenient for me, however from one day to another he said he was going and I have to leave. So I am going back and I already have the ticket with me. I am flying out on the 12th of August. Of course, I know it is the best for me. I can't wait to get out of here. But I have so much pain, so much anger, so much frustration, and not because of him, but for how low I feel, for how humilliated I feel after a full year and think that no one knows that I have been here that I would love so much to spit it out. I wish so much I was capable to just go and let people know. Momene, when I read what you wrote I couldn't believe that that is exactly what I wanted to do for so long.

Momene, I just read your post and I just wanted to do that so many times. I had so much anger and I felt so humilliated that I really wanted to let the world out there that I do actually exist. I wanted to write to everyone and say how much of a hypocrit he has been. I wanted to tell everyone out there that I have been living with him for nearly a year. I wanted to shout out loud, so loud to stop feeling like someone said before "a dirty little secret". I am so sick of having been hidden that as you said it is not for revenge but for justice. The problem with me is that I am too good, too good to hurt other people.

Divorced, separated or single there is never an excuse to hurt people. I didn't come here knowing all the facts. In fact, I didn't know any of the facts. I know many people separated or divorced and when they choose to be with someone else they don't do to them what he did to me. This is not a matter about your civil status. This is an issue about loving the person you are with or not. If you do love them, you don't hide them, you don't put everything else before the person, you don't lie, you don't mess up with them, you don't ask them to keep on waiting for things to happen when you know they will never happen. What he did is something that only hypocrit people do. He just wanted to have the best out of everything. He wears one mask in front of the church, another in front of his family, another in front of me. I wouldn't dare to do that to anyone, not just someone I am in a relationship with. I am talking further than relationship level. I am talking about human being level for the shake of respect. The only thing I knew is that he had to finish things at a legal level and I understood that, I always did and that is why I was waiting for that to be finished. That is why I accepted not to answer the phone. Because I knew that if her ex found out that he was with someone else she could make things even worse for financial issues. But all that finished and to my surprise I found out about the whole lot about church and what not. It is only then when I realised that this would never finish. Sorry, he never told me I would have to wait all my life for a church to decide so that I can be free. He didn't tell me that. he didn't tell me I would live in a house hidden and not being able to pick up the phone. I think that if I was going to bring someone all the way from the other side of the world knowing this I would warn them before coming. That has nothing got to do about being divorced or not. That is about HONESTY.

I knew he wasn't still divorced but we both agreed in moving together. I thought he was the type of person that is separated, he had chosen to be with me and for me that is what counts. Divorced or not yet, what counts is that in your heart you have left go off the past and if you have chosen to be with someone new you are going to give them the best. Of course I didn't know anything about the way I was going to stay here before I came. I didn't know I wasn't going to be able to pick up the phone and I didn't know no one was meant to know about our relationship. Of course, if I had known all that I wouldn't have come here. For me, many people get separated and divorced and they start with some one else and they don't hide them or are ashamed or guilty to be with them. I thought this was the case here. Basically, they had the property settlement in court which is finished by now and he has filed for divorce. I thought that is it but to my surprise he says that at this stage he can't change the situation and that is what he can offer me. I understood that while the property settlement was taking place maybe he could be under pressure and maybe the wife could even make things worse for him for money matters if she found out that he was with some one else but the fact is that everything should be more than ok by now. My point is that I can see this situation lasting forever with no change at all. And in fact the longer it goes the worse because I am not taking it anymore. At the beginning it worked because I kept on accepting everything but now it is different because I am saying enough is enough. I spent one year talking over the phone with him. He came to Spain to see me for 6 weeks and then I came to Australia. It is two years since I am involved with this person. If after two years he can't change things I can't wait any longer for him.

yes, you are all right. There has never been a time when I read any of the posts and I have disagreed. I am here like an idiot thinking about divorce and the wife opposing when the fact is that I haven't been treated right and that is all what should count. I still worry about him when at this stage the only one I should care is about myself. I already gave so much and I seriously believe that I deserve to take care of myself and forget about him. Talking here to people and seeing what others think has helped me a lot. As I said I don't know anyone here where I live and although I talk a lot to my family over the phone it is always good to have opinions from outside. I honestly feel that I am coming closer and closer to leave. Things take time and although I might not leave tomorrow I clearly see how I am getting closer and closer and putting deadlines to leave. What I mean is that now I feel much more ready to leave than I was for example 3 weeks ago. I am seeing things much clearer. Yes, you are all right.

do you mean it took you 14 months to get divorce by the church or divorce at the court? does anyone know if his wife could oppose divorce? in Australia the only thing that they take into account to get the divorce is that they have been living apart for 12 months and there is no way back together. They have been separated for nearly 2 years but I have the feeling she will want to oppose the divorce.

No, he didn't tell me before coming here that he couldn't live with me or he was going to hide me. We both knew and liked the idea that we were going to live together. I thought things at the beginning would take a bit of time to settle and of course I wasn't demanding anything at the start as I understood the situation. Even when he asked me not to pick up the phone (as he said: "for the time being") I understood. What hurts me enormously is that after 9 months I am still in that situation and I don't see anything changing. He never mentioned anything about living together until after 5 months of living together when he talked to his brother who suggested him that we should't be living together and then he just comes home one day and tells me that we shouldn't be living together. You make someone come here all the way and leave everything for you and only the fact that that idea crosses your mind is already bad enough. Even his family came to see me and talk to me a couple of times at the very beginning, just after arriving and they haven't even spoken or seen me or anything since January. All this covered with the reason that it is against the church that he lives with me under the same roof. And that is something for what I will always hate them. It seems to me they just came to test me, see how I was, check on me and after that we don't even want to know anything about you. I would have never minded if they never came or talk but to do that and then ignore me as if I don't exist, that is disgusting.

thanks Hope75. The story is so long that I guess some of the things don't make sense when I write or I leave things out. The reason why he doesn't want anyone to know that I live with him is because he has filed for divorce through court (although still waiting for a hearing with the decision) but he is still married with the church. According to him, he shouldn't be living with another woman, even if he is divorced through court, until he is divorced by the church as well. To me this is so ridicolous. The Church will take years for annulment of marriage and that is if they ever grant it. What does that mean? that people cannot continue with their lives unless the church says so? If you have already divorced someone through court and you are happy with someone new, why should you hide them? i am not a lover that is hiding from the wife. And I shouldn't hide because of the church. He tells me that although he believes in the church and God, he doesn't agree with the church about the part of not being able to start with someone new and be happy again. he says: why should he wait until they decide? But he is contradicting himself. If he doesn't agree with that bit that the church says whey does he hide me?

yes, I know it sounds crazy that after all this time I am still talking about "considering leaving". I guess it is much easier to see things when you are out of the situation and look at them from the distance, however when it is you suffering you don't seem to see things so clearly. I try to think that this was happening to someone else and if that was the case I would tell them to leave. I would tell them that if after having given all they have, after doing all they could, still they don't get what they deserve then it is time to abandone.

Yes, I feel exactly as you say. I feel as if he feels ashamed of me and I feel he just have me as a secret. I don't even know how he can possibly think that in time everything will be normal. I don't think it will ever be normal and even if one day things became better he would have hurt me so much by then that I won't be able to be with him. Yes, I am considering very seriously to pack and go home. As well, he many times compare me to his ex. For me things might work between us or maybe not but I don't have to put up with being compared to her. He says his ex used to complain about things and that I also complain about things. But how in the name of God, can you compare her situation with mine?. He never hid her from anyone, his family never told her that she couldn't go anywhere, they got married in front of 200 people showing their love to everyone. She participated in all events he went to She left him several times and abandoned the house and he still went back with her. She divorced him and they got married again. How can you compare what they had together, which is a normal relationship (in the terms that she wasn't in a house hidden from everyone, not talking to anyone, not answering the phone) to entering into a relationship from day number one like me and being hidden from everyone as if I don't exist? Would there be any woman in the world that wouldn't complain about feeling treated like this?

the reason why I can't answer the phone is because people are not meant to know that I live with him. Only his family know that I live with him and they don't even accept it. As I said we both agreed that I would come here and live together. 5 months after living together and nothing wrong between us happening he was talking to his brother and his brother suggested that we shouldn't be living together. So my boyfriend comes to me and tells me that we shouldn't be living together. My boyfriend is 44 years old. I don't answer teh phone because his wife is not meant to know that I am here living with him and any other people either.

I only came to Australia because of him. I am paying $2,000 every 6 months to study (i am on a student visa), doing a course I don't even have an interest in just to be with him and luckily I found a part time job as I am only allowed to work 20 hours a week. I am not an immigrant who came here looking for a better life. I come from a beautiful country which is in Europe. I had a job which I left for him, I left my parents crying at the airport and they didn't know when the next time they would see me was. I arrived here and after two days I was told not to pick up the phone for the time being which I understood and accepted thinking that maybe it was a bit early, but 9 months later I still can't answer it. He says he has moved forward and chosen to be with me but has he? when he doesn't want people to know that we are together, when his own family doesn't even talk to me and he doesn't do anything to change the situation. I don't want to be involved with them 100% but they don't even ask about me when they talk to him on the phone. I only know one thing: if i had asked someone to come all the way to me and leave everything behing I would have fought for them till the last, I would have stood by them, I would have never let anyone interfer between us and certainly I wouldn't leave him at home every time I go somewhere because he is not allowed to come with me. I would tell people out loud: if you don't like it tough, because I do and that is what counts.

I am actually in Australia. That is where I came all the way from Spain for him. Is the fact of him going through a divorce a reason to give me less? is this a reason not to love some one?

I don't know. I am just so affected that I think I just try to excuse him. Sometimes I wonder whether I am right. He tells me that I complain all the time, but who wouldn't in my situation? My question is: does he love me? do you think he loves me?

It is not the culture what annoys me. If you live with someone for 9 months after having left your whole life behind and you are not allowed to answer the phone in the house, if you are not included in any social life with your partner, if everytime there is a family event you cannot attend because the family doesn't want you there and your own partner still goes as if he is accepting that what they are doing is right. He himself is allowing that I am totally out of the whole picture. No one knows I live with him except his family. It is like I don't exist.