Cranston

She's shocked that it has come down to this. She says she loves me and and all that. But she also says that she's not going to beg nor say anyhting since none of that will do any good. She also tried to say that she didn't know things were so bad and why didn't I tell her? I couldn't believe my ears ..! After so many times telling her. I did feel bad for her on Friday and I weakened. I gave her a hug and fifteen minutes later she returned it. The next day - she was * * * * *y again and was too tired for sex. It was a mistake for me to have softened. I'm filing.

Yeah - if you read just a couple of posts above .. I told my wife I want a divorce. Now she's freaking out and I'm a little shaken myself even if I'm the one who had the advantage of knowing what's coming ,,

Which post made you think that ..?

Yesterday I told my wife I wanted a divorce. She's freaking out and frankly so am I. I feel terrible today. I could barely sleep last night. I told her that we should let this sit for a few days before we decide how we want to proceed. I think she may be willing, for the sake of the kids, to keep it civil. Besides - I'm sure I'll give her more that the courts will .. This is sad ..

Thank you, Rosemary .. but I've tried it ALL. Everything except marriage counseling - but that I won't consider unless she also thinks we have a problem. I have no desire to drag her there kicking and screaming. If you read the whole thread, you'll know I've tried for 8 long years to find a way to fix this. I guess I bought into the notion that marriage is hard work and as such, I took on the work myself. I was mainly motivated to stay for the kids, but now even that isn't enough to make me stay. The trips? We've done plenty. I even took her to Italy and .. well that's all in this thread. She is most certainly not anywhere nearly as pressured and stressed as I - and yet I know I have no trouble being pleasant and loving towards her. So that to me is just a lame excuse. Flirting, offers for massages, etc. I have tried them all many times. It does no good. None of it. And this is why this ends now. I give up.

The funny thing is .. I noticed this weekend - is that she has absolutely no idea how bad things are with me. She really thinks everything is pretty much ok. I think I'll be ready to drop the bomb in about a week, maybe two at the very most. I somehow don't expect this will go well.

Well, I can only guess. She was raised by a single mother who herself was extremely hot-headed and unbelievably abusive. While my wife is not like that to that extent just yet, she's headed that way. I think she may have never learned how to be comfortable with not being 100% in control of everything. If things don't go her way, she turns abusive - maybe like her mother did when she was a girl. I guess as she began to feel more secure in the idea that I was always going to be there - she felt less compelled to be nice to me. She's perfectly able to be pleasant to all others around her. In fact I'm sure her friends and acquaintances all think she's wonderful .. but not to me. In any case, the change was not drastic. It happened over a long time, getting worse maybe starting 8 years ago

Thanks. And I never intended for sex to be part of any bargain. That in itself is a marriage-killer. I look at it more this way: You live in a great neighborhood - the school is a block away and it's got top-notch teachers. The city and the beach are both within 15 minutes drive. Ok so maybe you can hear some traffic noise and the house is a 3 bedroom instead of a 4 bedroom, but the good outweighs tha bad. Now let's say the school now becomes overcrowded and standards drop. Also the traffic is so bad that it takes 2 hours to get to the beach. Now there is no reason to stay anymore. There is nothing left to outweigh the good. So you leave. It's the same thing. There were bad things in the relationship always. I saw the red flags in the beginning, but there was alot of good also. She was passionate and loving. She was cheerful and we did many fun things together. So the good of all that outweighed the temper issues. But now that the good has disappeared and the bad had gotten worse .. there's nothing to salvage. That's all I'm saying ..

I don't want anyone getting the impression that sex and intimacy were NOT the only problem. Ultimately it was the ONLY problem. I'm saying that without sex and intimacy there is very little reason to want to put up with all the idiosyncracies and faults we all seem to possess. If she could have brought herself to treat me like a lover and a husband - I wouldn't even be considering this divorce even with her faults. I would have stuck with her til the very end. But if you're not going to have sex with your husband, ladies .. you'd better be damn nice to him.

Thank you. Thank you very much. It's nice to know someone understands. You've been right on in all your posts in this thread ..

Thank you, RayKay. It's no so much that there was more to it than the sex and affection .. it really was the crux of the problem. I could have put up with her moods and her issues if there was also the sex and affection. I happen to be too tolerant of this kind of behavior. In fact, if we were also lovers, divorce would never have been on my mind. But the unpleasantness without any of the good stuff to counterblance it makes the relationship tip towards being especially undesireable. I see the benefit for her - but I don't see the reason for me to stay any longer.

Ok - I've been away for awhile and I thought I'd give you all an update. By the way, you took my post about seeing another woman waay to literally. It was just a sarcastic retort to the guy who said I needed to pose more of a challenge to the wifey .. But anyways. After my last post I let things fester for awhile, we've had sex maybe 3 times since last I spoke to you all. There was a lull because I suddenly got ED, I think because of the emotional issues I was experiencing with her. Plus she gets angry and disgusted when I can't perform - which does little to alleviate the pressure. I could masturbate and get plenty hard, I just couldn't do it with her for a while. Then, for some miraculous reason after that.. I was ok and could perform again. In any case, I suddenly decided I can no longer live like this anymore and decided to divorce her in the very near future. Since that decision, I've taken steps to distance myself emotionally from her. I don't initiate any affection to her, I don't initiate sex, I don't put up with any of her tantrums, and I do more of what I please as opposed to what she'd like. Oddly enough, this has resulted in her wanting to show me affection and wanting a little more sex (not much). She also is careful to be more considerate. But alas - it's all too late. I despise her now not only for what she is now but for everything she has put me through up until now. I've been able to be much more objective about this marriage only to relive some behaviors and attitutes that I saw then as no big deal and now seem so appalling. For example: 1) When my father, with whom I was very close, died - she went ahead and took herself and the kids on vacation while I stayed back and dealt with the morgue and the burial details. As I drove her to the airport, she was mad about something (I forget now about what) and gave me the silent treatment until I dropped them off. 2) I took her out to a theater play and a great restaurant one night - it was great except for the way back when she spent the entire ride angrily berating me for not taking her on an expensive vacation like her friend's husband did to his wife .. 3) The dread I feel 99% of the time I get home from work knowing she's going to be pissed off by some issue I can't predict. She then get all "tired" and heads off to bed. I hate her for making spend all these years going through this. 4) She was a flight attendant for many of the years of the kids' toddlerhood, gone for 1/3 of the time. I was the father and the mother for that time and did so very well while I made a well above average income for us. The a few months ago my daughter tells me that she told them I was irresponsible. She can now go f*ck herself and see how she likes not having such an irresponsible hubby around. I'm more determined than ever to leave her and as I line up my ducks, as we say, I'll pull that plug. I'm only sorry I didn't come to this realization earlier.

I have gone to great lengths, only a portion of which I have explained here, to deal with this situation. The only thing I haven't done is marriage counseling and I can't stand the idea. I know its the right thing to try, but I feel like my self-image and self-respect has already taken too much of a beating. I feel like I am going to a stranger to say "Please convince my wife to have sex with me". If thats what it takes, its not worth it. Even thinking about it makes me want to leave the marriage.

Thanks! Nice to know someone gets what I'm talking here ...!

So this is interesting ... I declare that in spite of all my efforts and my being a good guy my wife isn't interested in sex. And somehow, through my posts I gave you all the impression that : 1) I pushed my wife away because I'm a humorless, angry, controlling bum 2) I'm boring 3) I don't know anything about romance 4) I'm selfish 5) I need to see a therapist because I obviously have issues My God! How did you all come up with all this? Anyway, thank you all for your help. I'll do what I can.