h1tek_rednek
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No problem. Here's an example of what I'm dealing with though. I just got off the phone with her. This crazy woman who lives close to us kind of befriended us about a year ago. I'm not being mean when I say crazy, she really is wacko. Anyway, last time my fiance saw her, it was quite a few months ago. She asked to borrow some money to put gas in her car. My fiance loaned her money, and later that night she called us by accident drunk off her a** at a bar. We had no idea where her 9 year old child was. My fiance was appalled at this, saying she wouldn't help her anymore and didn't want anything to do with her anymore, because that is just wrong. So out of the blue last night, the woman shows up. No big deal, she was there a short time and left. Came back today and hung out almost all day, and is talking about coming back tonight. I made a statement like "damn, I don't want her there, I can't handle dealing with her". All of a sudden, I'm the bad guy, being accused of not liking any of her friends and being a "holier than thou" type person. What the he.......I thought I was echoing what she said last time. Figured I wouldn't be in trouble this time because my opinion was the same as hers. Usually if I just agree with what she says, whether I mean it or not, it's ok, but if I have a different opinion, the fight starts. I am so lost right now. I go home from work in 10 minutes, and I don't even want to go.
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Legally I am not their father, so that isn't entirely true. Secondly, in SC, it is next to impossible for a father to get custody of the children. It's a nice thought, but I don't think it's feasible. She's not a bad mom, I wouldn't want to do that to the kids or to her to be honest with you.
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How exactly am I part of the reason?
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Well the kids are affected, you are correct. However, they are affected by the daughters behavior and actions, and by the fact that every time she is there, she and her (their) mama end up screaming at each other, the cops showing up, and the daughter leaving. So it's not me that is causing any anguish on the kids, I don't think. I would think that my fiance would see this and not want that type of thing around them, but it doesn't seem to matter.
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That's my line. I always think that way. Can't take it with you, might as well enjoy it. Better to be broke and alive than dead and rich. So yeah, you are right. Yes, I could move into another part of the house, but. We have a guest bedroom that is set up, but guess what...that's where the daughter is. The other 3 bedrooms are occupied, and the 5th bedroom is and has always been my office. Right now, I get up in the morning, get ready for work, and leave. I get home around 4:45, fix a drink, and go straight to the bedroom, where I stay all night long. That way I am separated from it all. As far as the kids go, they aren't my kids biologically, but they are my kids emotionally. If we were to split up, it would hurt our little girl, but the little boy would be happier than anything. He's got some issues about his mama. Doesn't really think of her as his mama, more of his woman, and is extremely jealous of me with her, to the point that he really, admittedly, doesn't like me. But I just feel like I am losing if I leave, and letting people down, I don't know who I am letting down, but I feel like I am letting someone down. Make any sense to anyone? Because it sure doesn't to me.
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Where to start. The last guy she was with before me was a lazy POS, he didn't work, layed around all day playing video games. She supported him completely, as well as the two kids, and her daughter (the same one), her boyfriend at the time, and their child. The one before that beat her, was an alcoholic/druggie, cheated on her, kidnapped her at gunpoint a few times, raped her. Just a real stand up person. He's now passed, he was in an altercation with his new gf, shot her dead, and shot himself. This is her kids biological father, although they call me Dad. The one before that is the daughter in question's biological father. He is a cop, her first love in HS. They were married for 8 years, and just didn't get along, so they divorced. He doesn't seem like that bad of a guy, although I've only met him twice.
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That is so hard. I know that is what I need to do. Just go ahead and step away from it, but damn, I don't know if I can. I wish it was easy like it was with my ex-wife. I came home one day, she was gone, I was like "cool", grabbed a beer and flipped the TV on. But with this one, it's like I can't imagine not having her around. I have always been in control of my emotions, never letting them control me, until now. Right now, I have a broken leg, so moving out now wouldn't work. So I'm pretty much stuck until I heal. That gives them about 4 more weeks, and gives me that much time to decide as well. Now for the part that I might get flamed over. Let me preface with saying that the first, foremost, and biggest reason I don't want to leave is because I love her more than I love life. BUT.....I have a lot of stuff, and I really love this house. 3000 sq. ft. on 4 acres in the country, I have a carport with a workshop attached, another shed, a camper, boat, pool table, bar, and a lot of generic "stuff". That would make moving very difficult, especially abandoning the house. Is that being selfish, being materialistic, or am I just making excuses not to leave?
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Batya, it's funny you say that. The last time the daughter was coming to move in we had that discussion, minus the counselling part. (The bad part last time is that the daughter brought her husband too, but tricked him, told him they were coming for a visit, and when they got here, she told him he needed to start looking for a job. That lasted a couple days, and he finally told her that he did have a job and he was going back to it, then he left). Anyway, the response I got to that conversation was that she understood, and she would do her best to gather up some money so she could just move out and get them away from me. So pretty much, as you can see, I'm between a rock and a hard place on this one. I've tried the talking sensibly, I've tried the moving out temporarily to prove a point, I've tried the authoritative approach, all to the same result. She isn't going to tell her daughter no on anything, all the way down to buying her cigarettes, etc., and if I want to be with her, I just have to deal with it. EDIT: Ultraviolet, this response goes for you as well. That's why I'm here, I've tried all the usual approaches to no avail, thus I am searching for an outsiders point of view, because at this point, I am at a fork in the road, and either way looks wrong.
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Ultraviolet, you hit it right on the head, except for one thing. The daughter is bi-polar, and is supposed to be on medication, but refuses to take it. Anyhow, you are right, she's never been forced to act right in order to have a roof over her head. Her Mom is last choice too, that's the sad part. She is only now staying with us all these times because she has completely and wholeheartedly worn out her welcome with everyone else, including her biological father, grandmother, and several friends and friends of the family. The bad thing is that her Mom doesn't see it, they are so alike, everything that happens is someone elses fault. Dammit I don't know what I'm going to do in this situation, it really sucks. I thought I had the real thing when I met her, and I still do a lot of the time. I've never loved like I love her, and I do not want to lose this, but I don't know.......hell, I can't even finish that sentence. I'm just getting aggravated now.
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I don't mean "obey the man of the house". I do mean, that after the fifth or sixth time she has come to live with us, with our without her husband and kids, and it has been bad every time, emotionally, and financially, that my wishes should be respected, and she should not be allowed to disrupt our household, and cause undo stress and financial hardship for us, simply because she is immature and has no ambition. Sorry, that was kind of a run on sentence, but oh well. Basically I think there should be discussion, not one side saying, it's gonna be this way, or it's over. The point of us being married or not is irrelevant in this topic, so I am just going to leave that alone. Suffice it to say, that as far as the younger children, my fiance has no problem with me being a Dad to them, 100%, including discipline.
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Batya, there is a reason we are not married yet, but that is a long story, and really, IMO, isn't relevant in this discussion, no disrespect intended. First and foremost, I am the one working to support my family, my immediate family, not another family, and it is my house, I am the man of the house, and as old fashioned as it sounds, being the man of the house has a lot of meaning to me. And no, in my own house, my authority should not be limited.
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Here is something you might want to know. As I said before, you can talk to the girl until you are blue in the face, and she'll either flip out and start screaming, crying, etc. saying that no one ever says anything good to her, no one gives her credit for what she does do, and that everyone just hates her. Then it turns into either physical, as it has gotten a couple times between the two of them, and then the cops are there again, or it turns into just wanting to shut her up, so it gets ignored. Unfortunately, you aren't going to get the daughter to do anything she doesn't want to do. She will either lose it or say that she already is doing it, and get pissed at you because you are critisizing her. I hope that makes sense, it's hard to put into words. She has lived with us several times since we have been together, all but one time was against my will, but I was made to deal with it. So I pretty much can answer anything you have a question about. I don't mean to sound like I have an answer for everything, but I have been in the situation a lot of times, so I have first hand knowledge.
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Yeah, you are right. But in a way, I can kind of see her point. I am pretty much telling her to choose, her daughter or me. That's not really fair to her, but I think, in my mind anyway, that in this situation, it is justified. Am I wrong for putting it like that?
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Yeah, I'm 31, and my fiance is 41. The daughter is 22 I believe, so that means that my fiance was around 18 when she had her. Not sure what you mean by history there. My fiance got divorced from her daughters father when the daughter was young, but they always lived close, and remained friends, so the daughter saw both parents regularly. When she was young, my fiance had to work several jobs to make ends meet, so there wasn't a lot of time at home with her daughter, then she had the other two kids, that are my step kids. The daughter ended up quitting school in like 7th grade or something, and has been in and out of trouble her whole life, and I believe resents her mother for not being around more. Well, not I believe, I know this is true. It is easy to say that my fiance should tell her daughter to grow up and take responsibility, but with this girl, you can talk until you are blue in the face. She truly believes, in her heart and soul, that she is doing everything right, as a person should be, and how can you convince someone different of that when they truly believe it? No, we cannot have kids, nor do either of us want any more kids, so that's no worry there. I agree with the point about the stable family life, but the problem is I am blamed for it. In reality, I am blamed for just about everything. My fiance is one of those people that takes out whatever is bothering her on me, and tells me it is my fault, and likes to bring up every thing I have done in our entire history, that she didn't like. I have kind of gotten over that point in almost 5 years, but it does get old. What other history were you looking for?
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What you said made me remember something. Last time she moved in, I told my fiance that I would not live there while she was living there. I was prepared to live in my parents camper trailer. So a temporary move, nothing permanent. As fate would have it, I have a friend that was going on vacation for a week, and wanted someone to house sit that week. So I went and stayed there for a week. That caused a lot of tension between the two of us, as she told me that I was abandoning her to deal with the stress and everything herself. She also told me how much she missed me, etc., but made no move to tell them (the daughter had her husband and kids with her that time, eventually the husband got tired of it and left.) they couldn't stay there anymore. So as far as calling her bluff, I don't know, I get mixed signals about that, because she fussed at me about it, and told me how much she missed me when I was gone. Just damn confusing...