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Shadow25

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  • Birthday 04/25/1988

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  1. I can't keep track of whats on my mind....seriously, if someone asks me what is wrong with, in a personal situation (not on the internet) I choke up, I don't know what to say, because so many thoughts just fly through my mind at once...there are alot of people I don't want to know that I am feeling this way. Yes...I can type alot, because like I said, it's my little way of venting for the time being. And if I just said "I'm depressed" it doesnt exactly say much does it. For all you know, I could be someone claiming to be depressed just so they could get attention. Yeah, my master instructor is a health and fitness professional aswell, but I don't really like him due to his cocky attitude...talking to him is intimidating, like he doesnt want to talk to you sort of thing. all good, what do you mean by neg and pos = attraction? Are you talking about being attractive? I can be attractive, I can act like the most positive person in the world if I want...but I always feel like crap deep inside. Once I think of one negative, that's it, my mind is triggered to start thinking negatively. Trust me, I've tried staying positive, no matter what, even the most embarrassing moments and bad things happening I still try to look at the bright side...but the problem is, that I am too conscious of what I'm thinking that I feel like everything i say or do is just fake or played out...even though it's not...it's hard to explain....I guess that's also the reason I don't cry, because I don't want to force myself to do it. It's really hard to focus on one thing at a time aswell, because everything links to each other in some way, If i don't do one thing, I can't do anything else, and if I do it, then it can cause more problems....it's like there is no escape. Yoga and pilates and stuff like that, I would do them, but I don't have a job, I don't have the money to pay for them. I have been to a doctor already, he said to go to a physio, but ...did I go? no, I had no motivation to. Anyway...I'm off to tae kwon do now :S....yay F'ing hay! EDIT: Ok...back from Tae Kwon Do. Basically, my master instructor had to teach, and I hate being in his classes...I dunno why, I think it's just because that's when I most push myself. Anyway...It was ok, I didn't kill myself in the lesson at least...my foot is killed though...I brought it up for a kick and it started hurting :S Uhmm...yeah, the only thing I didn't like was the sparring, because it's not sparring day, and if we do sparring any other day, we do it without any protection (that's the way I prefer it, more mobility), anyway...when I was partnered up with the master instructor (I am highest belt in that midday class) and straight away he's kicking me in the head and punching me in the chest and crap....so much for light sparring :S Then he says exactly what I expect people to say every lesson, and that is "are you going for your black belt" in a kindof rhetorical question way...and then, well, I just knew that I was gonna get drilled with every attack I did on him....so I was trying to pick the right moment....then he starts relaxing and leaving himself open for me to kick him, I was slowly getting more confident with attacking, but then he ended the sparring practise there and we had to swap sparring partner. Anyway...later on, we were doing patterns, and in between the patterns he stopped us and said "what is it, the one single thing that stops us from doing most things in life?" I straight away said "fear" and I knew that he was talking about me....like usual, I feel like the goddamn voodoo doll, I just get pins stuck in me whenever possible. Then he went on to talk about fear, I forget what exactly it was he said, but I think he directed it at me at one point. Then after we finished the class, we all sat down in a circle like normal, and he asked us what did we get out of the class....I was first, and not expecting the question....I didn't really have an answer, so I just said "not to be so fearful of things" then he went around the rest of the class asking them, then he asked me again "so what did you learn in that class again" I said the same thing, then he said "what do you do about that fear" I said "I have to confront it", that was kindof a reminder of something I have been thinking about alot, whether I should confront the black belt grading, as I'm scared to do it, on that note, during the class...earlier on, he stopped to say something about the black belt grading...something like, do I want to get my black belt, or do I want to be a black belt? I really felt like saying that I don't want my black belt, because I am not a black belt, but ...I didn't of course. Anyway...back to his little speech about fear...he went on about it, how he was afraid of sparring when he was at red belt, how he hated it, so he confronted the fear and now he has been national champion many times and his trophey collection is just...huge, not just from sparring of course, but...yeah, basically, if he didn't tell you that, you wouldnt have never figured it. Later on I was working, he went out for lunch, he got back, and said "you should start saving your money" and I asked "what for?" he then said "for going over to korea next year" and then i asked "to train or to..watch" and he said to train, and then went on to say that we now have a sister school in Sol, Korea or something. Then I kept on working...and about 30mins later...maybe less, he says "come sit down" so I go over to the reception desk sit down, and he starts going on about how I will be a great martial artist, and why that is so, and he was saying that I am persistent and all that, he also spoke about how I should get working on my flexibility, and how my technique is good (uhm....my technique is what everyone jumps on me because of) but my flexibility is restricting me to do things. Anyway, he was going on about how it took him 10 years to get to where he is at, and that I've only been training just over 3 years, that I have a long way to go, but he thinks that I'm on my way towards that, towards being a great martial artist... Now....all of that has happened today has made it harder to quit, If I quit, I will be a disappointment...I have tried quitting before, and he said he was disappointed...I felt disappointed aswell, that was when he gave me a job at tae kwon do to clean twice a weak for my training. That's why i'm working there... Last time I went to quit, I didn't tell him the real reason why, I only told him that I couldnt afford it anymore (because dad was paying for it and we had gone down in terms of money) so he didn't know that I just didn't want to go anymore, because back then I felt like I do now, but I had less reason to feel that way. But...yeah, after today, I feel just as bad, just as confused, just as disappointed, I can't think straight, why can't I just bloody well be happy, I've never truly been happy, isn't there any way >( I should point out that all my friends are in at tae kwon do, and also the person I am attracted to, who is actually 10 years older than me with a daughter, and I have asked her out, that didn't work out so well, and...well, right now, she's just starting to bring that friendship back again, she has started talking to me, not me trying to talk to her, hell she's even complimented me, because when I was teaching a class the other day with the disrespectful students, she said I handled it really well. I often wish that I never became attracted to her, that I never left it so long to ask her out, that I actually flirted back when she flirted with me, I often wish that the friendship we once had was back... This is another topic all together, but I'm still stumped as to why she flirted with me in the first place, it was heavy flirting, she was also very touchy touchy with me, just...extremely friendly in a very short time, and made many sexual hints, and actions (spanking me when I was putting kick paddles away or spanking me when I was bending over when I was cleaning, then running off laughing like crazy about it, then saying things like "come here , it's time for your spanking, hehe"... She did things like that all the time, and heck, she even tried to subtly leave tae kwon do together with me...which is actually what made me really wonder if she actually wants me, because it was really obvious...one night I had to stay behind even longer to learn an advanced phone script, and she actually stayed, and studied until I was finished, but...my brother came in to pick me up and I think she was kindof annoyed by that, because she didn't get to leave with me and chat....that was the last time she left at the same time as me, and from then on, it all went down hill, I went through a phaze of depression, because of my joints (when they first started hurting, and it was all rather new to me, I couldnt do anything and felt pathetic...like I do now, only back then I wasnt used to it as much), and...I stopped being as social as I normally was, then...after that phaze finished...her and I didn't really talk to each other anymore, I thought something was up, but wasnt sure... Basically...I just found it strange for her to be all flirty with me, and show nearly every sign of attraction to me, without me really doing much, I felt strange about being attracted to a woman 10 years older than me who has a daughter, I also didnt know if she was single or taken, which stopped me from asking her out earlier...after all that..she just stopped....if she liked me as a friend, she wouldnt have done that, she would have kept being friendly, not distant...I didn't know what I had done (this was before I asked her out) she just...stopped, I figured it was something to do with me, as she was just being her normal friendly self to other people, stopped talking to me all together...so I gave her some distance...eventually I asked her out...but waaaaay too late obviously. Anyway...that didn't help my confidence, it didn't help my mentality at all. Now we are starting to be friendly with one another again...so...now that's another reason I don't want to leave tae kwon do behind... AAAAAAAAAAAARGH! it's so frustrating....tearing my brain in two directions....it's crap, I'm so tired.
  2. Well, like I said, if I quit, I know I will regret it, I will not be able to watch my friends do the black belt grading, because I don't want to cry in public, I don't even let myself cry alone (not healthy)...only lately i've let a few tears come out... My stress has been built up of an unhappy life altogether, from family, to school, to social life, to employment, and now sports. well...sports I have always had problems with...I am skinny, I didn't like people pointing out that fact to me all the time, yet I always got a nickname like "twiggy" or something like that. As for my martial arts, I do Tae Kwon Do. The only friends I have that I actually see, are in at tae kwon do, including people I'm attracted to is also another cause of my stress...I'm trying to get over the person, but like everyone I become attracted to....that's never going to happen...it's always there. I don't have any motivation to do anything anymore, I can't even drive yet, I have my L plates, but have only done 4 hours... I don't have a job, I've been looking for ages, but I'm not going to lie, I havent exactly been trying my hardest...I don't even think I'm good enough to be an employee for any job, It's like I know I am but I feel like I am not. I don't want to go for crap stand-behind-the-counter-beeping-items-through jobs, because they are going to be the death of me, I can't stand in a spot for so long doing nothing but a repeated task...I know most of you have probably done that kindof job...but I have a very active mind...so active that it screws up my speech when talking to people, I'm also very paranoid with alot of things. I could go on about the bad things about me, but...I feel like a mess, I havent vented EVER, I mean, EVER, I havent ever been able to scream out to the top of my lunges, I havent been able to cry on someones shoulder for hours, I havent been able to break things and smash them to bits to release anger or anything.....I've been supressing...for my whole life..just supressing my anger, my sadness...and I try to stay positive and happy to counter this negative stuff, but I guess now I'm at a state where I couldnt care less to think positively anymore...like it's no use... I'm never going to suicide, so no chance of that ever happening, no matter how bad I get.... It's funny...I help others with these problems, but I can't help myself, I feel so pathetic for that...and by helping others, I mean ALOT of people, I don't know how many who have said they have wanted to commit suicide, 1 of which I couldnt help, and she actually did. I knew for a long time that my depression would just get worse and worse....but i always believed that if I just kept supressing it, it would never effect me.....how wrong I was, how very wrong i was. I'm off to bed now....otherwise I won't get anymore than 5 hours sleep before i go to work for the dole in the morning (yeah, I am starting to work for the dole now....how great )...I didn't ever want to go on government funding...but I was forced to, so I could help support our family with payments and food and all that. Oh...and guess what else is going on now....due to my depression and lack of mental energy to do anything, I havent even written down a list of 20 jobs for a friend at tae kwon do to help me out with, because she wanted to help me get a job.....she doesnt know I'm in this mental state...nobody except you guys and a few friends online know of it...you guys know the most so far...I don't want people to care for me, I don't want them to hate me either, and I don't want them to feel like I am pushing them away, I just guess it's hard to explain....other people have their own problems...they shouldnt worry about me and try to do things for me, and when people do, I feel useless, helpless, weak, etc etc, I don't like that feeling, as you already can quite clearly tell... I guess in a way, typing all this is a way of venting...but it's not the greatest way, it makes me feel better while writing it...sometimes it makes me feel worse, but...afterwards...my emotions just come straight back. I honestly don't know what I want to do with my life, I have no motivation to do anything right now, I have nothing left in me...I feel like a lost soul right now...I think that's the best way I can describe my complete mentality and emotions....I feel dead, non existant, out of touch... Another thing, I forgot to mention, is that it's not just my black belt that is causing the stress...it's training in general...before I go to training, I get nervous, almost so bad that my stomach feels crook like....gassy i guess....(yeah bad) when i get to training I feel ok, if my master instructor is training, I feel scared, intimidated, etc, mainly because I know that i'm going to die that lesson, and I'm also going to have alot ALOT of comments being directed my way, because these past few months, I havent been getting any of my techniques right or anything, i'm always unsure of techniques...almost like I never knew them and...well that shows in class, both to him, and the other lower belt students....and ....ya know, I'm surprised i havent broken down crying in a class yet from constantly f'ing up, and having people tell me that i'm f'ing up and that I should know these things, blahblahblah. If my friend who is helping me with the jobs is doing a class, I feel the same, only she goes on about it like she was never my friend, like she wants me to break...she doesnt think she is doing any wrong, she is doing the right thing, trying to correct me and stuff, but....she does it too much, because I am the belt before black belt, and that is when we get alot of correction happening. uhm...and when my mate is teaching the class, I feel fine, he's a good friend, he doesnt usually try to kill us, and he at least understands how bad it is to train with these sorts of injuries, because he has had plenty of them. The bad thing is...he isn't here all week, so I have to try and deal with the other 2 above. I also am required to teach classes....and...on the day of typing this...I went out to teach a class because my mate was busy on the phone...and these kids...they couldnt have been any more disrespectful towards me, it hurt something fierce...I was thrown out there all alone with a class of 30-40 students, and alot of them were screwing around, deliberately trying to test me to see if i would see them, I almost sat the whole class down and not teach them I was so angry inside...but I didn't... I kept on teaching the class...handling the situation the best i could, and finally, my mate comes out, sits them all down in a circle and gives them a lecture on respect, basically told them how disgusted he was when he was watching...that both made me feel good and bad, because I don't like people sticking up for me...it was my problem, I had to deal with it.... OK...I think my post has gone on long enough...I need to get at least 4-5 hours sleep before working tomorrow, so i'm off. I feel like, by the end of this week, I'm going to be an absolute wreck....but...ahwell....life goes on right.
  3. I am not a quitter, I don't usually quit, even when I really absolutely want to quit. As some may know, I do martial arts, I have my black belt coming up in about 10 weeks from now. I have joint problems that have been reducing me to a mess during training. I havent been able to do anything anymore, my technique is gone, my dedication...I don't know if it's gone or not, I train, when i have to train, but I only train at martial arts, I don't train at home anymore. I have tried strengthening my joints (knees, hips, and the joints next to the groin on the inside of the leg), by doing weight training, but I only did 4 weight training sessions before mentally giving up, I didn't feel any progression, and I am not feeling any progression, I am getting worse in my training, and the more I train, the more I am pushed beyond my limits to do what is not making me better, but putting me through torture, both mentally and physically, to the point where I often want to just scream out of anger, to the point where I want to break down and cry....but i don't, I hold it in, like I always have, and I just don't vent at all. These joints, are stopping me from doing something that was a dead set goal of mine, I trained for so long, and I trained so hard, perhaps too hard, so I could achieve my black belt, not just the belt, but my attitude, my heart, the black belt isn't just a belt, it's ..i dunno, you have to do martial arts and respect it and your training and development to understand...black belt is not a belt, it is an attitude, it is a lifestyle, it's..many things, many things I aimed for. But a black belt, is also someone who should remain positive, no matter what happens, someone who pushes on when the going gets tough, someone who doesnt just train at martial arts, but trains outside of the martial arts training school, someone who becomes a martial artist, not just trains in the art. I've lost all that I developed, in just a few months, I would say this started around january..perhaps before then, and it wasnt as bad, I even went to quit once before, but my pride stopped me from telling the real truth as to why I wanted to quit, so I kept training, and I trained more and more, I trained even harder, but only found myself getting worse. I havent prepared for my black belt, just like I didn't prepare for the belt I have now, which is my cho dan bo, and even though it's just 1-2 hours of my time to spend doing the grading, I ...feel like I can do it, but I feel like I can't do it. My technique is out, it's terrible, it's embarrassing to try and teach a class with 20 students in it, and have to get one of the lower belt kids to demonstrate a technique, because I can't do it, and if I try to do it, I look ridiculous, and the kids' parents are watching most probably thinking "does this guy know what he's doing", it is also embarrassing to be doing my own class, and not be able to kick a bag hard, because even tapping something with my right foot, causes my foot to pinch, and it feels broken...that has been like that for about 5-6 months now, ever since I kicked someones elbow about 20 times in succession from anger of not being able to spar properly...at the time it didn't hurt, because of the anger, but I feel it every time I train, I feel it when i walk even. NOW...I'll just cut to the point, save all the dramatic talk. I have trained for over 3 years for my black belt, I aspired to get my black belt, I have been inspired by other people when I watched them go for theirs, I was and am proud of those people, I look up to those people (some of them anyway..but thats another story), but...some of those black belts, I look at them now, and I wonder why they have their black belts...it clicked to me...these people arent even good at their techniques or any of that, they arent leaders or people to look up to, but they are happy...I think...and then I think..."well, If they can do it, so can I...but...oh..my master instructor expects alot out of me, he expects me to be great, have great everthing...I can't deliver, and I know I won't"... See...that is the problem...I am expected to do what I cannot do anymore, and my master instructor just doesnt understand, I don't like talking to people in person about personal issues like this....and I don't, and I most certainly won't feel all that great telling him about all this, because I know, that if i try and quit martial arts now, my pride will stop me, because i DON'T WANT TO QUIT. Well...one half of my doesnt want to. The other half is jumping up and down in an angry fit, saying "if you don't quit, you are not using your common sense, stop letting your pride get in your way of doing something you shouldnt do, just quit and you will feel better". Then I think "if I quit, I will regret not going for my black belt, and I will have quit, I will have done something I don't like to do, I will have done something shameful, embarrassing, and I know that I will regret it" BUT, If i don't quit,...I will continue getting worse, physically and mentally, I will be like a time bomb, ready to explode, and I know, that If i do my grading for black belt, and I pass, I don't deserve it, because I am not a black belt at heart. I don't know what to do, I really don't, it's like there is no possible way out without. I know some of you will say that if you do it, it will be done, it won't be an issue anymore, but I do know that, everytime I put that belt around my waist..that is all I am doing, I am putting a black belt around my waist, and that I don't deserve it, because my heart isn't there, nor is my skill, or attitutude. If I quit, I won't be able to watch others do their black belt grading, because I simply do not want to cry in public...I know I most likely will, and I know that the black belt grading, it isn't going to be as hard as my cho dan bo grading, and...I will be wondering why I didn't just do the grading and get it over with. Right now, I'm wanting to quit very much, VERY much, but where i train...it's a part of me now, I've trained for over 3 years, I've made great friends, I've learnt so much, and...to throw that away, I dunno, it's a waste, but it is also something that will make me feel better physically. If you've read this far, I thank you for taking the time to read a problem that probably couldnt be compared to most peoples problems..so...thank you. This is a decision I have 10 weeks to make, and I've had about 2 years to decide what to do, whether i want to quit or not, and over those 2 years...I have stayed, now...the stress and pressure is so intense, I can hardly feel any respect for myself, I guess in a way I am disgusted in myself, why I even let myself come to this position. My pride is a burden, it's stopping me from doing something that could possibly make me a much happier person, but it's also stopping me from leaving behind something that is a huge part of my life, it's like ripping the soul out of myself, and throwing it away...I can't win.
  4. haha, myspace = disaster central for relationships.. Alot of people are right in saying that because someone in the relationship doesnt update their myspace account, that things can get out of hand...and it's true, very very true...hence why I don't intend on ever having a myspace account , lol.
  5. Ok...I'm attracted to 3 women here, lol 1 woman that is 10 years older, and ..well, that's kindof not going to go ANYWHERE. Another that I only get to see once a week when I go to lunch and is a very attractive and very nice bar maid who i think is interested in me. lastly, another person who I train in martial arts with, she has a glass eye, and I'm attracted to her, but don't want to be. How is this possible...I'm attracted to her....but I DON'T WANT TO BE. I just don't get it...I flirt with her, I show signs of interest, but...why!? I don't want to like her anymore than a friend..and yet I feel like I'm the most attracted to her..whats the deal here! Anyway...last night...I had a dream...very weird one at that, I guess you could call it a wet dream without the wet bit, because I didn't wake up with a mess. Anyway...I can't remember it perfectly, but I do remember lying on a matress on a floor, my friend from martial arts was there, and I figured it was his house, as a girl in the dream said that we should do it in his room... yes...confusing already isn't it. I didn't see my mate from martial arts in the dream, so no..he was only a voice, anyway, the one eyed girl was also on the matress, and she was lying down facing towards me, I was lying down facing towards her aswell. She was twirling her hair and then...I dunno what happened, but the other girl that was there just disappeared, and I found myself looking up a corridoor, which looked similar to the corridoor outside of my martial arts centre, when I looked back...the one eyed girl wasnt there, but instead, the girl who I just saw outside took the one eyed girls place (freaking hell!) then when I looked outside again, the one eyed girl looked as though she was waiting in the corridoor near the stairs with her martial arts bag, and she had a sad expression on her face...then when I looked back..she was lying next to me again.... What The F!!! Then she was complaining because she wanted to have sex, and I think I said that I had no condoms and that I will only do it safely, and she got angrier, then...the next bit is blank in my mind at the moment... But, the door to my friends room was open, and a matress was inside there aswell, she was sitting inside, but the door closed as I went to crawl into the room...there was this gap under the door which is kindof strange...the gap was big enough to put my whole fore arm under...so..well..the next bit is kindof detailed...but anyway... I can't remember what made me put my hand under the door, but when I did, I was playing with the rubber mats that we have at our martial arts centre, and I think I was...I dunno, i had 2 fingers...making a fingering gesture I suppose, and I was fiddling with the edge of the mats, then she gently grabbed my hand, put one finger away, and then ...I felt my finger..go into her then because I was kindof stuck with my arm under the door, my big fella downstairs was enjoying the feeling of it...but yeah, I was faced, stomach down, so it kindof hurt to get an erection, then I could just see around the corner, and ....she was around the corner again, in that corridoor with an even sadder miserable look of disappointment...almost like rejection, and loneliness, as if nobody will ever want her because of her eye (it's hard noticeable).. I think I just woke up after that, and it was about 5am in the morning, and I was all freaked out not knowing what the hell just happened...so I felt kindof weird and couldnt get back to sleep for about another 2 hours, I kept getting up getting a drink, and going back to bed, trying to relax, but I felt so weird... Why did I have to have such a dream! It was a good feeling dream, it felt real...not that I have ever had ANY real life sexual experience with women before, but...arg...I just don't get it...I feel so weird, and I havent stopped thinking about whether I should try to show her more interest or not.... It's like I have 2 of me living in me....one wants her badly...the other doesnt know what the hell to do... I wish I had dreams like this about the 27 yr old that I am attracted to...damn...
  6. wo wo wo WO! hold up a second....she lives with her husband.... THERE IS A PROBLEM! She's married mate, what the hell!? She's cheating on her husband for you....do you NOT see a problem with that!? The age gap isn't really a concern, you're right...as long as you're both happy, but...she's CHEATING ON HER HUSBAND!
  7. lol, well, I thought of her when I wrote this thread....havent really thought about her since, in fact, I don't think about her much at all, but when I'm having lunch, its like I want her to be the one to serve me, so that I can have a bit of a chat with her. I know she gets hit on ALOT, I've been standin in line waiting for them to finish ordering..and chatting her up. It's just that, a while ago, on my 18th birthday, I went out with my mates to that pub/nightclub, and she was working that night, when I ordered a drink, she stood there with a smile on her face as I downed a shot of ...something, lol, and whenever I walked past, I would notice she was looking...that was a long time ago though...in april that was. But yeah, now whenever I go there, the only time I really notice her looking at me is when she is washing up the cutlery, glasses and dishes, when I look up, she looks away suddenly, my vision has been kindof crap lately and so, I can't really tell if she's smiling when she looks away or not, but yeah, she doesnt look just once, she looks over several times, I often find her staring, because I can see her out the corner of my eye while I'm pretending to be thinking deeply about something...then I'll look up and she'll look away. And the day I wrote this thread, I noticed her playin with her hair as she walked past me, I only thought women did that to guys they are interested in, while talking to them, not while walking past them...so I dunno how to take that...I'm not really thinking about it (now I am, because I'm writing about it, lol), but yeah...dunno what it means, if it means anything at all. There is nothing wrong with asking her for her phone number, and then asking her out, she's not going to ask me out...no woman ever does, it's always the guys job...which sucks. You say to not hit on her...well, I don't, and I never have hit on her, I just talk to her like I would anyone else, and this has been once every week since late march this year...so that's a while! Now, I'm actually considering asking her out, and basically, I just want to know how I can go about doing that.
  8. uhm....does she know you are looking at her myspace thing....sorry, but you sound kindof creepy by what you are saying and how brief you are....I don't even see any purpose to this thread... You like this girl, you are looking at her myspace account, and you are trying to find out every little thing about her....why not just talk to her and be friends...you'll find out more that way, and it will give you a better chance for if she splits up with the boyfriend.
  9. Perhaps she just did something she was procrastinating over doing...I mean...maybe she came over to you, asked you if you want to study, you say ok, she walks off and says "okay..." possibly saying "it's a date"...I mean...it's almost as if she hadnt planned what to say or anything...did she seem nervous? As for the wave...she may not have seen you, heck, some people don't realise they're being waved at, even if the person waving is right infront of them. Let us know how the ...uh...DATE goes.
  10. It's all normal I'm glad to see that all is good now. As Friscodj said, do something else to occupy your time, and then just CALL HER...us men are like on off switches, if you half turn a switch on, it can often crackle and carry on stupidly (which is dangerous mind you), so if we try to slowly turn on, we end up getting this crackling thing going on. Now to translate that. The longer we take to call (turning the switch on), the more nervous we get, until eventually, something might blow and we turn back off again and not call. I find myself getting VERY nervous over calling someone up, my body just instantly gets nervous....but if I just call the person, It's too late, time to suck it up, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and JUST DO IT. When waiting, you create tension, it's like preparing to perform infront of a large audience your very first time...beforehand, you are nervous as hell, and when you get out there...it's like "WOW!, i'm actually doing this...ok, no backing out now", alot of people even cry from this tension....but if they JUST DID IT, straight from the word GO, they would of been much better off. Tell me...did you feel alot better once you called her? and did you call her a 2nd time and it felt easier? It just takes practise, and really...we are all afraid of rejection and embarrassment, so it's perfectly normal to be nervous over that factor. Good luck with the date
  11. I think he's just horny....i'm serious, I just reckon that he wants sex, I doubt very much that he could see himself in a relationship with you, I doubt that ALOT. I think you know what the right thing is to do, and that is tell him to leave you alone. I know that being harsh is probably not in your nature...you don't need to be harsh. Tell him that it's wrong, you are blood to blood cousins, the family WILL NOT approve, and it will ruin both of your lives if you do anything. Tell him the cold hard FACTS, if you tell him to look for girls his age, he won't listen, he's stubborn, no matter how mature you think he is, he JUST WONT GET IT IN HIS HEAD,....UNLESS, you tell it to him straight that it absolutely WILL NOT WORK, EVER! Don't try to let him down nicely, that is what I'm saying. It's different for non blood relations, but seeming you are cousins, it's freaking disgusting! use your common sense, do what you have to do. Let him know that he needs to snap out of his fantasy world
  12. aw bummer I went to have lunch and she wasnt working today....ahwell, I guess I'll have to wait until next week then
  13. hahaha *raises hand* GUILTY! I used to try and get the hell out of there as quick as possible...funny but strange.
  14. lol, It was an example of how a normal conversation goes, so you have some idea of where to work off. The scriptedness is so it's easier for you guys and gals to read, because when I read some people's posts and they try talking about a conversation, I usually end up getting lost wondering "who's saying what". I don't EXPECT the conversations to be played out like a script, a conversation goes however a conversation goes, for that very reason you pointed out, if she throws a curve ball, I'm gonna be F'd wondering where to go from there. I've never tried expecting conversations to go how I PLAN them to, I can never predict what a person is going to say until I get into a conversation. Yes, how I've written it, does sound like I'm expecting the conversation to ONLY be like that, but I don't ONLY expect a conversation to go like that, and when it comes to the conversation, it all comes naturally, it just flows like it should. Usually when I do have these little SCRIPTS, It's more or less a preperation for IF she does say something, because I'll either go blank, trying to figure out what to say, or something will pop straight into my head and I will say it. I'll make sure I stay away from these scripts next time I write a post, seems nobody here likes them at all! ----------------------------------------------------- I understand what you mean about emails. But I learn, keep it short and sweet, your suspicion is probably right, but only if I called her, and kept getting an answering machine, or I call her, leave a message, and she doesnt reply within the next day, I would send an email asking if she got my message It would not be long, infact it would probably be "hey, I called but you werent available, so I left a message, did you get it?"...it'd be something short like that. Oh, and yes, of course i'd be here dissecting the message, I'm clueless when it comes to understanding women! Anyway, I think you're right about not getting her email address, I'll just get the number instead, if i get her number tomorrow, when is a good time to actually call her and ask her if she wants to go out? That night, the next day, or what, I dunno, I would want to be calling her that night, I know that's for sure, lol Basically, I don't mind if she isn't single, doesnt want to give me her number, etc. like you said, move on to the next, I hardly know this girl at all, so...ahwell, she's not interested, so what, no big deal. If she's single, and gives me her phone number, then I can consider that as a good sign, if I ask her out and she says no, I'll be confused, but ahwell, no loss really, I hardly know her, lol. Thanks for the advice. Jayar, I think it was the only advice here that had any sense to it. Batya, I think you must be in a bad mood or something, I knew someone here would have a reaction like that, it's hard to describe every single little flirty action and body language in words without someone jumping the gun and pretty much saying "you're obsessing". It's like people here don't know people who think a hell of alot, are creative in everything they do, who love it when good things happen, and love it even more when unexpected good things happen, and like to share as many details as possible when talking about a situation. I mean...really, what good is it, if I say "there's this bar maid who I see on thursdays when I have lunch, and she flirts with me, and shows signs of interested, how should I ask her out" Doesnt exactly say much at all, and I already would know the answer to that question, people would say "walk up to her, just say, blahblahblah, etc etc", but do they know how the normal conversations go? nope, do they know that it's not that easy to just straight out ask her out...nope. Anyway...blah, this post has gone on for a while, I'm only asking for advice on how to ask this girl out without appearing desperate, shy, needy, etc I'm not asking for people to abuse me.
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