jewel76

Actually, everyone on here has helped me out tremendously with this situation already. It's so great to get everyone's perspective and read their similar experiences...I truly don't feel "alone" in this anymore. Thanks so much you guys for all the great posts - I appreciate them all so much! (and please keep them coming...this is good stuff!)

I can SOOO see him saying that! (bad sign...) That is a great idea. I'm going to have to see what I can do to arrange that. Great insights JustNormal...I have to say, you got me thinking a bit differently...not so much like the "victim" here. Thanks!

I guess it would also be fair to add that the ex gf in question was his high school sweetheart who is now married with kids...I just don't know why he feels he needs to lie to me about contacting her. From what he told me, they broke up because her parents were too "religious" or something. I guess they didn't like him because he wasn't. There is also a more recent ex who is on his friends list though...who he is perfectly open with me about. I really don't get it. Does he really think he has a chance at getting back with the hs sweetheart who's married? (He ended his email to her with..."Bye for now...) Aw, how friggin cute. Ugh...boys.

...this is my absolute worst fear I hope it is not true. Yes! Actually I do want to...I really do. I just hope that I'm not miserable in the process. I guess i can make the choice not to be. I mean, who knows, maybe it will all turn out alright afterall...you make a good point about the 6 month mark. ...very intersting idea with the ex g/f thing. Intriguing. I think I'm just going to keep my "research" on the DL for now...see what develops without playing dirty just yet. definitely gives me something to ponder though...

Yup - he tells me every time an issue comes up that I am being "too sensitive" - exactly the same as your ex it sounds like. Or that I bring stuff up for the sake of arguing...why would I do that? I don't like arguing with people I love. I bring stuff up because I am concerned about it being a problem for us...it only becomes an argument when he fights back instead of listening and taking what I say into consideration! Can he not see this? I guess he'd rather do ANYTHING but accept responsibilty for stuff. He couldn't possibly even consider the thought that he has done anything to cause a problem because he doesn't see it that way. There has simply GOT to be a way I can communicate to him so that he understands where I am coming from and can learn from it. Afterall, I learned it somewhere along the way...why shouldn't he? I mean, we're not born with this knowledge. I had an ex who taught me all kinds of things that I hadn't realized before I met him about taking ownership for my words and actions and being accountable, listening and being patient with people. I listened and learned from him, I'm sure "D" can do the same from me...right? Ugh...I just dont' know. He just has to get rid of this "I can do no wrong" attitude. I guess I really want to exhaust every option here and know that I did all I could to save this thing becuase it is very important to me. He means so much to me already and has been such a blessing in my life. I really do love him alot. This is really hard.

Yeah, it hurts quite a bit actually. Makes me feel like he doesn't really like me all that much even though he tells me he loves me. I guess it just doesn't make sense to me. He actually told me the other night that sometimes he thinks to himself..."What did I get myself into..." and that he started out liking me 100% and now it's down to like 97% since I've been "giving him a hard time about stuff". God...I never realized how bad that acutally sounded until writing it down just now. When he says stuff like that though, I figure he just doesn't realize how he's coming accross or making me feel because of his age/lack of maturity (even though I know I shouldn't make excuses for him). And I know how incredibly sweet he can be when he wants too...I just love that part of him and that is very hard to find in guys these days (so it seems...). Man...this stuff is really telling - and it really hurts to think that I may have to end things with him over this. It just seems like such a waste after all the good feelings and wonderful things we've shared together (albiet in a very short time period). How could I have been so wrong about him?

True, but I also don't want to feel like I'd be throwing away something that could be very good...for him and I both. I mean, I really thouht I had found "the one" with him. He always talks about our future too and how he sees all of this working itself out over time. If only I could just "lighten up" as he thinks I need to, maybe we really could make this work. Sometimes I just wonder if I am bound and detrmined to sabotage every relationship I get into by finding faults in the other person. I really don't want to be that way. But then again, these are real issues to me...

btw...I do not think it is right to go through other people's mail...but we gave each other our myspace passwords and agreed that we are free to check whenever we want because niether of has anything to hide from the other one. If that is in fact the case, then why didn't he tell me that he sent his ex an email? Maybe because he thought he could get away with it? Who knows. This is exactly what I mean about laying it all out on the table. Why didn't he just tell me? The only reason I can think of that he didn't is because he has bad intentions and plans on taking it further...afterall, he told me about the other friends (one of whom was female).

Pride? Yeah maybe. From my perspective though, I look at it as, nobody likes to feel like they are being bull * * * *ted. I think it's fair to say that people should - for the most part - be who they say they are and do what they say they are going to do - lay it all out on the table you know? That way there are no surprises down the road. I've always been held to that standard by others, I hold it for myself and that's just what I'm used to in a relationship. That's the main issue I have with all of this. Being that our relationship is very new, I don't feel like he's giving me a whole lot to be confident in as far as our future goes. He just seems ambivolent when it comes to anything that takes any effort on his part, and I really don't feel like he's being 100% up front with the way he handles things. I know I am dwelling on the work thing, but that is mostly becuase it is something that is constantly being talked about each day and he's always making up some story about it or trying to tell me how "hard" he working when it's just not the case from what I can tell. And...I don't know if this should be posted as a new thread, but there has been a recent development as of yesterday that only adds to my insecurities about our relationship. He's now talking to an old ex-girlfriend on myspace. We had the convo that went something like this: Him: oh yeah, I got in touch with some old friends from ISA (International Studies Acadamy) on myspace yesterday. Me: Oh really, that's cool NEXT DAY AFTER I FOUND AN EMAIL IN HIS MYSPACE SENT FOLDER TO EX GIRLFRIEND ASKING HOW SHE'S BEEN Me: so you were saying yesterday that you got in touch with some old friends from school - who? Him: oh, just my friends >insert nameinsert name Me: Oh, that's it? No one else? Him: (very defensively) NO! Why would you ask that? Me: Oh, no reason. Just curious. (MAYBE HE SHOULD CHECK HIS SENT FOLDER BEFORE HE TRIES TO GET AWAY WITH * * * *). END OF CONVO...I WENT TO BED.

Thanks for this Wow...4 years is a long time to put up with that. There must have been alot of good times in there, or you wouldn't have stayed so long right? Did you ever have trust issues with him?

Hi RayKay, thanks for your reply...you make alot of good points. I really wish I knew how to make him understand this (or even care enough to try...).

Hi Momene, thanks for your reply He does act more like he's 18 for sure. I always just figured it was because he was so spoiled. He's so coddled by his mom that every time we get into an argument, he calls her up and asks if he can move his stuff into her house. Of course he always ends up telling me that he really doesn't want to leave once things calm down. I just think that he does not fully appreciate or understnad what it means to be in a mature relationship. It takes alot of giving and alot of work - on both sides. He just wants everything to go his way or he'll have nothing to do with it. I don't know about the fantasy...there could be some truth to that I suppose. I don't like to think of myself as an "older woman" though ;-) (yeah...having some issues with the big 3-0)

This is absolutely right. My ex-boyfriend definitely had these qualities, I guess I just took them for granted and never realized how important they really are to me.

Hi JustNormal, thanks for your reply I knew he was basically a good guy (harmless anyway) when he moved in because I had already met his mom and step dad (he is quite the little mama's boy) and they are all very nice people. He's got a really good heart and alot of love to give, he just doens't have alot of life experience. His family owns a Commercial Cleaning company where he is employed to handle sales (mostly soliciting). Right now he's learning all the in's and out's of the business so that he can possibly take it over one day...so he goes on some "carpet cleaning jobs" that get sold and scheduled as "special services". He's pretty conservative when it comes to sex and stuff like that so I doubt he's going out and doing anything like that. That's one of the things that stood out to me when I first met him...he seemed very "innocent" in that respect. As far as sleeping in, it's because all he has to do is call his work in the morning and make up some lame excuse like he was up late or his back hurts (I've heard him do it tons of times) and everyone at his work seems to buy it and not hold him to any of his commitments!!! I am truly amazed by this because I've never seen anyone get away with this before in my adult life. People are usually held to a standard of at least showing up to work in order to keep their job -- this is why I think it just extreme favoritism. He says that, because he sold some big accounts this year, he is very valuable to the company and his step dad is always telling him how proud he is of his progress. Who the hell knows. I guess maybe for some people, the real world never has to rear it's ugly head. Lucky them. Sorry -- that sounded very bitter...I think I need a cup of coffee.

I don't know if they're fixable, it kind of depends on wether or not he is willing to help fix them...