Relationship Coach

CTG, I understand how you are feeling and it's very normal due to your recent break up. Take this time to turn the tables a bit and don't get angry, study their relationships. Learn what make's them work for your roomates and don't get jealous. It's common to envy what we don't have in life but you can certainly have it if you really want it.

Kimmi, First, I'm glad to see that you have grown out of your "I'll cheat before they do" stage. Very unhealthy for all. You were basically sabotaging your past relationships so you would be the cause of it's downfall or able to say to yourself, I already cheated so if he or when he does it wont hurt as bad. Essentially you were a fatalist. Your trust issues were not with your boyfriend but with yourself. You felt if you could cheat so could they. Everyone however does not hold the same standards as you, remember your infidelity was premeditated as a layer of security in it's own twisted way. It's like getting a job at a store knowing you will eventually be fired for one thing or another, so you steal something from the store justifiable in your own mind as retribution for what hasn't happened yet and may not happen at all but just in case!!!! Sound about right? Your guilt has gotten the better of you now and your confessions and remorse for kissing the guy is a cry out for help. You have found someone you really deep down don't want to lose, you have tested this relationship and been given a second chance. Don't see him as weak for staying with you, see him as strong and committed. This little break is more for you to realize what you could have lost. Fly straight and be honest and true to yourself and him. Best Wishes.

GAG, 100 years or so ago, that was probably the norm but there are many variables in today's society to doom a marriage at that age. It is perfectly natural to have desires of matrimony at your ages but it is more so for the protection and commitment of your relationship. As he is finishing a chapter of his life (high school) and you are starting a new chapter (college) he may just want to secure his future with you as his own insecurities may be causing him to jump the gun. You both are at crossroads in your lives to where what you accomplish in the next 3-5 years may shape your lives forever. Focus on that before dealing with a marriage. If it is true love, you will be able to stay committed through the college years and after you get settled in to your careers, then look at marriage. As for having children, wait until you have spent a few years together to enjoy the fruits of your careers and alone time. Children are wonderful but your exploration years of marriage, years 1-3 are best if focused solely on the two of you. You have the best thing going for you right now, time.

WE2005, If money is an issue for help, seek out advice and support from your church if possible. I know how difficult this is for you but if you wait until your mood picks up, it may just get worse. Taking that initial step can start your journey to finding the strength to deal with this.

CTG, Everything you have said is for the most part correct with exception of the contraction rate from female to male. Without getting too technical here there are several ways for men to easily expose themselves to HIV. This is of course assuming the female is a carrier of the virus. Vaginal to penis transmission can happen if there is a slight tear of vaginal tissue and or abrasions on the shaft of the penis. Piercing's have also been contributed as well to increasing the risk of infection. In addition to this, blood from menstruation has been found to contain HIV cells as well. Oral transmission can happen by secretions of an infected female getting in to any abrasion or tear in the mucus membrane in the mouth, including micro-avulsions in the gum lines from brushing. This transmission is risky to both genders. Bottom line is to reduce transmission rate by using protection including dental dams for oral male to female and of course do not have sexual relations with unknown/untested individuals. The more proper terms for this would be mouth to vagina or penis to mouth, since being politically correct as to the gender preferences of forum members cannot be assumed. Anal sex is also considered high risk due to very thin and vascular tissue in the anus. Hope this helps!

WE2005, I understand what you are up against, see if this helps! Good Luck! Strategies for Coping Pro-active things to be doing as on-going maintenance for yourself Get involved in organizations or causes that you personally believe in. Put meaningful things in your life other than your significant other. Help those who have challenging life circumstances. For example, volunteer at a nursing home or orphanage. Make sure there are supportive people and places in your life. Every once in a while, do something that is atypical of yourself, although not self-defeating. For example, go to a movie on a weeknight or get your hair cut. Tend to your spiritual needs. Specific strategies to try when the depression of missing hits you: Let out the emotions: cry, scream, sing, exercise, go for a run, play a sport, take a walk Write a letter to the person, whether you send it or not, letting her/him know how you are feeling Write poetry or a journal entry or both Go watch a sporting event Come into the Counseling Center to talk about it Go see a movie: comedy to make you laugh, adventure to take you away, tearjerker to help you cry Go to the TV lounge or study lounge to have other people around you; don't stay alone in your room Call, visit, or study with a friend Take homework to a restaurant and do it over coffee or a meal As if relationships weren't complicated enough, having them accross a long distance is extremely challenging. However, throughout time couples have had to be miles apart, and have been able to maintain a solid, happy, successful relationship until they could be together again.

Amgine, Although this started out as harmless flirting, there is now knowingly going to be a victim involved, either you or his wife. Now that you are aware of his marital status, you must put an end to this by informing him directly that you are not comfortable sharing anything with him. Do you believe he is just being friendly or do you sense other motives behind his questions and attraction to you? How would you feel if this was your husband? That will help you to chose your next course of action. If he really pushes you for conversation, start asking him questions about his wife, where does she work, what is she like, you may even comment to him that you'd like to meet her, she sounds nice! This will certainly defuse his drive for something outside of his marriage. Good Luck!

Sylia, Not such an uncommon problem. I have posted an article from an associate of mine and I think this may help you. Try putting the porn away and position yourself in front of a mirror for visual stimulation, essentially you become your own catalyst. Try this alone and if it works add in the BF. Good Luck. Female Orgasmic Disorder Cindy Meston, Ph.D . Definition Female Orgasmic Disorder (FOD) is defined in the DSM-IV-TR as a persistent or recurrent delay in, or absense of, orgasm following a normal sexual excitement phase. The inability to obtain orgasm does not always lead to sexual distress or dissatisfaction in women, and if the disorder does not cause the woman marked distress or interpersonal difficulty, a diagnosis of FOD should not be made. The diagnosis of FOD should be based on the clinician’s judgment that the woman’s orgasmic capacity is less than would be reasonable for her age, sexual experience, and the adequacy of sexual stimulation she receives. Indeed, Laumann and associates3 found only the youngest group of women (18-24 years) showed rates of orgasm lower than the older groups for both orgasm with a partner and orgasm during masturbation. This is likely to be attributable to age differences in sexual experience. Women exhibit wide variability in the type or intensity of stimulation required to attain orgasm. Research indicates orgasms in women can be induced via erotic stimulation of a number of genital sites including the clitoris and vagina (the most usual sites), the periurethral glans, breast/nipple or mons. Non-genital forms of stimulation reported to induce orgasm include mental–imagery or fantasy and hypnosis. There have also been a few isolated cases of “spontaneous orgasm” described in the psychiatric literature where no obvious sexual stimulus can be ascertained. Most studies examining orgasmic dysfunction in women refer to orgasm problems as either “primary orgasmic dysfunction” or “secondary orgasmic dysfunction.” In general, the term primary orgasmic dysfunction is used to describe women who report never having experienced orgasm under any circumstances, including masturbation. Secondary orgasmic dysfunction relates to women who meet criteria for situational and/or acquired lack of orgasm. By definition, this encompasses a heterogeneous group of women with orgasm difficulties. For example, it could include women who were once orgasmic but are now so only infrequently, women who are able to obtain orgasm only in certain contexts, with certain types of sexual activity, or with certain partners. The DSM-IV-TR does not directly address the issue of women who can obtain orgasm during intercourse with manual stimulation but not intercourse alone. However, the generally accepted clinical consensus is that she would not meet criteria for clinical diagnosis if she is able to obtain orgasm during masturbation unless she is distressed by the frequency of her sexual response. The Prevalence of Orgasmic Problems in Women Based on findings from the National Health and Social Life Survey (NHSLS), orgasmic problems are the second most frequently reported sexual problem in US women. Results from this random sample of 1,749 US women (ages 18-59) indicated that 24% reported a lack of orgasm in the past year for at least several months or more. This sample also suggests that nonmarried women are at a greater risk for developing orgasm problems, as well as women who have not graduated from college. This percentage is comparable to clinic-based data The Treatment of Female Orgasmic Disorder Female Orgasmic Disorder has been treated from psychoanalytic, cognitive-behavioral, pharmacological, and systems theory perspectives. Regardless of the treatment approach used, one needs to keep in mind that relationship factors such as marital satisfaction, marital adjustment, happiness, and stability have been linked to orgasm consistency, quality, and satisfaction in women. A relation between childhood sexual abuse and various sexual difficulties has also been reported. Cognitive-Behavioral Approaches Cognitive-behavioral therapy for FOD focuses on promoting changes in attitudes and sexually-relevant thoughts, decreasing anxiety, increasing the link between positive emotions and sexual behavior, and increasing orgasmic ability and satisfaction. The behavioral exercises used to induce these changes traditionally include directed masturbation, sensate focus, and systematic desensitization. Sex education, communication skills training, and Kegel exercises are also often included in cognitive-behavioral treatment programs for anorgasmia. Directed Masturbation (DM) Directed masturbation (DM) is most frequently prescribed for women with primary anorgasmia. The successive stages of DM train a woman to locate and manually stimulate genital areas that bring her sexual pleasure. The process begins with a visual exploration of the body, using a mirror and educational material depicting female genital anatomy. Following visual and manual identification of the sensitive genital areas that elicit pleasure, a woman is instructed to apply targeted manual stimulation to these regions. Training on self-stimulation is directed toward the woman achieving orgasm alone. Once she has accomplished this, her partner is incorporated into the DM sessions. Women experiencing FOD have successfully been treated using DM in myriad therapy settings, such as group, individual, couples therapy, and bibliotherapy. A number of outcome studies and case series report DM is highly successful for treating primary anorgasmia, with success rates up to 92% of women studied. For a step by step guide to DM, see [Annie, in here insert Becoming Orgasmic, Heiman recent edition) Anxiety Reduction Techniques Anxiety could potentially impair orgasmic function in women by disrupting the processing of erotic cues and causing the woman to focus instead on performance related concerns, embarrassment, and/or guilt. This, in turn, could lead the woman to engage in self-monitoring during sexual activity, an experience Masters and Johnson referred to as “spectatoring. Anxiety reduction techniques could be beneficial for helping women attain orgasm by helping them to focus on pleasurable sexual thoughts and sensations which enhance arousal. Systematic desensitization and sensate focus are the two most commonly used anxiety reduction techniques for treating FOD. Deep relaxation exercises in systematic desensitization enable the woman to replace fear responses with relaxation responses. A succession of anxiety-provoking stimuli is developed by the woman and the therapist to represent increasingly threatening sexual situations. The woman’s task is to alternately experience fearful and relaxed responses, resulting in a net decrease of anxiety. After the woman can successfully imagine her hierarchy of anxiety-provoking situations without anxiety, she then engages in the hierarchy of actual activities. Sensate focus is primarily a couple’s skills learning approach designed to increase communication and awareness of sexually sensitive areas between partners. Couples practicing sensate focus are instructed to first explore their partner’s nonsexual body regions without the potential for sexual activity. The couple increasingly practices sexual touching without the pressure of sexual intercourse. The sexual touching allows for a woman to eventually guide genital manual and penile stimulation to enhance her arousal. The success of using anxiety reduction techniques for treating FOD is difficult to assess because most studies have used some combination of anxiety reduction, sexual techniques training (e.g., DM), sex education, communication training, bibliotherapy, Kegel exercises, and/or pharmacological agents, and have not systematically evaluated the independent contributions to treatment outcome. With this limitation in mind, accross controlled studies, women have reported decreases in anxiety and increases in the frequency of sexual intercourse and sexual satisfaction with systematic desensitization, but substantial improvements in orgasmic ability have not been noted. Other Behavioral Techniques Sex education has been a hallmark of sex therapy since the days of Masters and Johnson. Education about female genital anatomy may help acquaint a woman with her body’s pleasure-producing regions and consequently help alleviate orgasm difficulties. Kegel proposed that conducting exercises that strengthen the pubococcygeous muscle could facilitate orgasm by increasing vascularity to the genitals. Treatment comparison studies have generally found no differences in orgasmic ability between women whose therapy included using Kegel exercises versus those whose therapy did not. To the extent that Kegel exercise may enhance arousal and/or help the woman become more aware and comfortable with her genitals, these exercises may enhance orgasm ability Pharmacological Approaches To date, there are no pharmacological agents proven to be beneficial beyond placebo in enhancing orgasmic function in women with diagnosed FOD. Placebo-controlled research is needed to examine the effectiveness of agents with demonstrated success in case studies or among sexually healthy women (i.e., buproprion, granisetron, and sildenafil) on orgasmic function in women with FOD.

Actors and sales people face more rejection than any other occupation. It can start to wear on them and cause it to destroy their personal lives. This is there chosen profession, they have to live with it or change it.

A waste of six months?

SEAB, Thank him for inspiring you to go to the gym where you met this real buff guy that you are now dating and then tell him to get a life.

SEAB, Sounds like you just lost a ton of dead weight, your boy friend! Was he always this shallow or did he take special courses at JERKU? You don't need him and don't lose the 10 pounds for him, lose it because you want too. I hardly think 10 pounds is a big deal either way, unless you are 3'4" tall. No disrespect to those vertically challenged! Find someone who wants to be with you, not your waist line.

WOW! Mental-TIVO! Watch it and get it out of your mind. Whoever SHE is will end up dumping him again and then he will bounce back to you, the question is...do you really want him? He sounds as shallow as a kiddie pool, you could find better in a Wax Museum!

MD, This place attracts a higher percentage of people with failed relationships. That's like going to a hospital and asking "why are there so many sick people here?" I agree with S2S, RayKay and several others here. Love changes and grows as we do in our relationship. It mutates from the honeymoon stage, to getting comfortable, to taking a bullet for them to realizing you have become one. In a world where there are many jumping into relationships too quickly, this does set the stage for failed marriages. Keep in mind that there are many successful relationships out there that have learned to work through issues together whereas some would rather just cut and run. Those are the types of individuals that buy a puppy because it's cute but after it grows up, it gets neglected and becomes an unconvinced to care for. Keeping love alive in a relationship takes effort from both sides. Everyday I scan the section of our newspaper that lists wedding anniversary announcements, 20,30, 50 years and more. It's not as uncommon as you may think. To understand what causes relationships to fail you must understand what makes them work. If you see an elderly couple out one day, introduce yourself to them and ask them for a moment of their time to inquire about the bonds of love and keeping it alive. You will often hear, "I couldn't imagine my life without her/him." Try it, the answers may not only surprise you but inspire you!

JIF, Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who did not respect you or themselves? You are not losing much, send her packing and celebrate your freedom. This type of blogging is nothing more than a inappropriate chat room with the worlds scum. She has major self-esteem issues and needs and wants constant validation from others. The only tear you should shed over her are tears of joy that she is gone. JIF, get a hold of yourself, it is not important for her to understand how you feel. She obviously does not care, let it go. Let her come here and try to justify her actions, people in this forum are more than bloggers. She can't fool us and she shouldn't fool you.

LOVE, Yes, what you are referring to is a form of acupressure derived from acupuncture originating in the far east 1000's of years ago. Massaging certain areas of the body can help and cure certain ailments. Eastern medicine has been adapted by many and you can research it more through holistic and homeopathic healing sites on the web.

Keefy, You are too funny! Hope all is well for you, I did see some very solid posts from you this week that signal you are doing better. Good Luck!

LIMT, When is a rebound not a rebound? It's not a time issue, it's a mind/heart issue. If you were just longing to be in a relationship because you have issues of being alone, in my opinion that would constitute a rebound. Being that you have considerations for this other person I would say that your intentions are for a good reason. Often during the separation period people become disinterested in dating because they feel that it would hinder any chance of reconciliation of the marriage. Now that you have moved beyond that to following through with divorce, it is natural to want to spend time with someone you like and have something in common with (music). Why do I get the feeling you are a guitar player? Be up front and honest with this new girl and make sure she understands where you've been and at what speed you wish to travel. Ending a marriage is never fun but it can certainly bring new happiness to your life and help you to discover what your marriage didn't give you. Best Wishes!

Roomy, Give yourself credit for asking for help on this one, you need it! Workplace relationships are a bad idea 99.99% of the time and your situation doesn't fall with in the .01%! First you are in a management position, if you are in the US, you are setting yourself and your company for legal issues down the road. You sound as if you feel you are fortunate to have your new position at work, why risk it for this? Her comments made to others that YOU wont leave her alone are unsettling and spell trouble in itself. She is either laying ground work for a favorable ruling in a sexual harassment suit or just to dumb and immature to know when to keep her mouth shut. Not the type of person to rob a bank with, if you know what I mean. Someone obviously respects you enough to put you in the position of authority you are in, don't disappoint that person by being careless and putting this girl before the company. You are at work to do a job, not a girl. Keep it professional and in your pants.

V, First of all, what you are doing is right because you believe that it is best for you and your unborn child. What is taking place now is a shift in control. Before he dominated, bullied and controlled you, now he is feeling powerless as you have shown your intentions of moving forward without him. Your display of strength and resolve has him confused and he's turning into a weak, pathetic little boy. You put him in his place and he's not taken to it very well. Use the abuse and infidelity as further motivation to keep you strong. You have been more than fair to him, now you're being fair to yourself and your baby. Get a restraining order if you feel uneasy about his stalking.

M, I'm with everyone else here, you knew what you were getting involved with. Did you think you could keep him under control? He is what he is and it's guys like him that keep forums like this open. Karma is dealing you the "see how it feels" card. Often being the other woman, leads to dealing with the other woman or women in this case. Dump him, learn from your situation, change your ethics and find someone who is 100% single next time.

Cakes, This is a very common dilemma that can actually work out for the best. There are some things the two of you can do to get on track and step in to the role of friends and then take it from there. It isn't going to be easy but many have done it! The first issue is frequency of contact and time spent together. Limit your contact to once a week by phone(10 minutes max.), no emails or text messaging. Limit your actual time with each other to once every 10 days and for only 3 hours. This will be the perfect amount of time to see a movie which is what I suggest(no Drive-Ins!). Talking during a movie is frowned upon. Before the movie talk about anything but your relationship. After the movie, discuss the movie as if you were going to right a review on it. Again, no discussion about the relationship after the movie. No physical contact what so ever, other than a friendly hug and a peck on the cheek at the end of the 3 hours. Try this for a month and make sure that he understands and agrees to this format. At the end of the first month schedule a 30 minute phone call to discuss your feelings about being friends and your relationship in general. If this helps, try it for another month, review where you are at and go from there. This will create either excitement about spending time together or really put it on a friendship level. Listen to each other and be open as to what is being discussed. This regimented space and time concept will pinpoint what direction the relationship should take. Just a suggestion, can't hurt to give it a shot.

MG, I get the feeling that you are not in the US. Are you in the UK or Canada? PocoDiablo is very much correct in limiting your liability in this case and legal action but if you are not in the US I'm not sure what would be applicable. Back stabbing is common in many industries, watch your back and let no one know your scared of this bully. Loyalties will often cause people to follow the money rather than doing the right thing, until it happens to them! Life does have a way of getting even with people. If you feel threatened than take actions to protect yourself. Good Luck.

MG, If you really feel this manipulator can get to your boss, you have nothing to lose. Go to your boss and explain the situation which occurred and let him know that this guys actions and words were witnessed by others as well. Acknowledge your understanding of their friendship and state based on prior employees losing their positions follow similar threats by this guy, mixed signals are getting out that his friend is undermining him. If you are as valuable at your position as stated, you will be fine. As to this guy slandering publicly on the radio, huge mistake if he does! That in itself is merit for a law suit against the station. As an independent contractor, your job security is based solely on your worth. Working without a contract is never a good idea because of unjust termination and loss of compensation. You should have a written contract in place, people at all different levels of the entertainment industry are considered as contract labor. All in all you have to decide if what you are fighting is worth it. Getting out of the business to advance in other directions sounds like a real good thing.

L, Just let it go, don't read more in to it than what it was. He's comfortable touching you so it was probably not a big deal to him. As far as his text msg goes, chalk it up as cyber-chivalry and think no more of it. You know what you do and don't want, what he wants, thinks and does should be no consequence to you anymore. You're doing fine without him.