Relationship Coach

L22, I remember your situation well and I'm sorry to see that you are still struggling with this. You have attachment anxieties which are very normal coming out of a two-year relationship. You know deep in your heart you deserve better than him. His abusive waves have progressed over the years and someday it could lead to physical abuse. You miss the good things about him but your real issue is obsessing on where his mind and heart are. Give him some time to breathe and go with NC, not to drive him back to you but to give yourself time to realize, you don't need him. Don't make the mistake that many do, NC is for you to heal and get stronger. It very seldom causes the ex to come running back to you. If that were the case I'd open a NC resort on a Caribbean island with no communication services and require everyone to stay 30 days before returning home, I'd be rich! Do yourself a favor and stop trying to contact him, you are just making things worse and validating his reasons for not contacting you. It is best to assume for your own sanity that he has moved on and has no intentions of trying to win you back. When petty issues can rock the boat this much, there are more serious issues being overlooked. It's very possible it has taken two-years to grow apart to where there are more reasons to stay a part than to get back together. Dwelling on why he won't contact you just makes you miss him more, stop it. This isn't about making up or getting answers, it's about letting go and moving on.

Starrr, I certainly understand your situation and have a few ideas to causes and solutions. First of all if majoring in sciences and becoming a nurse was easy, everyone would be doing it. Look around, there is a high demand for nurses. You have chosen a career which requires a very serious level of commitment but offers you a great career by helping people and being well compensated for it. Lacking compassion for what you are studying may be part of your problem. You have set your sites on making good money but may have overlooked the condition of the road in which you must travel on to get there. There are a few things working for you that you may be allowing to work against you. Having the financial support of your parents is great but would you take school more seriously if it was your money that you worked hard for? Being in school and out from under your parents watchful eye can give you a chance to develop but then again it can also allow you to develop some unhealthy habits. You for the most part have put yourself in charge of holding yourself accountable for staying focused and you may not know how exactly to accomplish this. Kudos for trying the self-help books but often they stand in the way of getting something done, your school work. If you attacked your school work with the same zeal that you read through the self-help books with, part of your problem would be solved. You need to have someone, whether it is a counselor at school or a upper classman mentor you. Mentors will hold you accountable and keep you focused. You have a choice to make, change majors to something you really want and are excited about or look beyond the hard work realize the rewards are really worth the effort. Motivation? Think of the difference you can make in someone else's life when you are an RN, more than likely you will save the life of someone's child or parent in the near future. Giving the level of care to someone as if they were a family member. Being a vital part of our health care system that spends more time with the patients than any doctor or surgeon. What more do you want starrr, everything you need is in front of you. PM me if you want to discuss more on change.

LG, You feel bad because the person that you hurt was someone you cared about. It's human nature. I'd have concerns about you if you felt nothing. I agree you have to look out for number one and if you are not happy in your present situation, change it! You will be fine and the other person will be fine too. It's a sad thing to go through no matter what side of the relationship you are on. As long as you were honest and sincere, you did it the best way possible. We find ourselves consolingly mostly those left behind but I'm glad you posted here. People need to understand that there is plenty of feelings on your side as well.

Fairie16, Very good point! Those that find this behavior offensive are often the one's that get cheated on or left. Communication is the key. Understanding each others likes and dislikes is important. Knowing what each others boundies are is vital. Being closed minded is a death sentence.

MM, I'll respond to this in a way that addresses both genders since you mentioned it and it does go both ways. In general, porn is an outlet for stimulation without attachment. It's like most people would prefer to masturbate in private. It can point towards some serious relationship issues as well. It also could be a direct reflection of what the relationship is lacking or what the partner is desiring as opposed to what he has(gender, race, body type, kink). Often it can become somewhat of an obsession and lead to other forms of infidelity. In some relationships it is concealed, this in itself is mental cheating. You're crossing a line but in a unobtrusive way. If it is a known fact to both partners that porn is being looked at by their partner whether it be on the net, videos or magazines it tends to become less obsessive. Is looking at a dirty magazine cheating? The number one selling Playgirl magazine was the Brad Pitt issue, it's total sales were higher than any other issue including Playboy itself. So what this is saying is women came (no pun intended) out of the anti-porn closet to see Brad's Pitts? Everyone has fetishes, some much stranger than others as you can only imagine. My question is did this thread just "pop" into your head to start or are you feeling betrayed and hurt more than anything in the world?

S624, Everyone has a past and you can forgive but will never be able to forget. The things he did may seem unacceptable to you but it's who he is now that is more important. He should not have to apologize to you for what he did prior to your relationship with him. Love is non-judgmental, unconditional and forgiving, are you sure you are in love with him? It sounds like he has moved past it and waiting on you to get to the next level. What does he has to do to be forgiven by you, hang from a cross? Reconsider your feelings for him, honestly you are being a bit harsh on him.

CT, Here is something that I posted for someone with a similar problem. I hope it helps. Steps To Take To Avoid Getting Hurt In A Relationship by Jennifer Good The biggest fear when it comes to a relationship is whether or not a certain person will leave you hurt, heart broken or otherwise affected. What I've found though is that many people open themselves up for potential hurt by not following a few common sense rules. It seems that the desire to be around someone who is interested in you, even if you are "settling" by being with him or her, is worth the risk. If you find yourself in, or afraid of these types of situations, keep in mind the following tips. They just might help you avoid a future hurt. Find Out Where You Stand The unknown is a powerful force. It can drive you crazy, make you doubt yourself and potentially destroy a relationship. Don't let this happen to you! Make sure you know where you stand in your relationship. In the same respect, make sure you continually let your partner know where they stand as well. You'll both be happier, and you'll have an easier time of communicating to each other. Don't Play Mind Games The person you are involved with, or about to be involved with, is another being -- just like you. Playing mind games is just another way to increase your chances of getting hurt in the end. Personally, I feel that if you are willing to play mind games with a person, then you don't respect that individual enough for a relationship anyway. So do that person a favor and let him or her go. Don't Sleep With Someone You Don't Know Very Well Yet This may seem obvious, but for many people it is not. I've heard countless requests for advice which involve a person not sure where they stand with a certain person, yet they've been involved intimately with them. Now they are faced with a potential loveless affair, are completely unhappy, and are being driven by the fear of the unknown. No matter what the urge is, if you are interested in someone for more than just a fling, don't do it until, at the very least, you are clear about the other person's feelings for you. You can avoid many future downfalls by following this tip! Be Honest With Each Other Your honesty, or lack thereof, can either build or destroy your relationship. Be honest with your partner about everything, and expect the same from your partner. Too many times, I see people who have let their partner lie to them about everything, cheat on them, and worse -- yet, they continue to be with them all "in the name of love." That type of love is no love at all. It is clinging to the fact that being with someone, even though they are hurting you, is better than being alone. It is fine, and perfectly reasonable to have strong feelings or affection towards someone, but it is altogether something else when you allow yourself to stay in a relationship that has a negative effect on you. Don't Settle If you know that a person isn't right for you -- go find someone who is. Don't wait to see if the relationship could turn into something better. You'll only find yourself a few years down the line in the same, or in an even worse, situation than you are in now. If you find yourself nit-picking about too many of your partner's traits early in your relationship, think forward to how much these "traits" will bother you after a few years. A relationship is 50% your responsibility, and 50% your partner's. Sometimes those numbers change depending on the situation. If you find things going down the wrong path, speak up and do something about it. Don't let it slide, thinking that things will get better. Proclaimed ignorance is not an excuse. This is YOUR life, don't be afraid to do things that will make it better. __________________

Use this to decompress and take a break for a while. The last thing you need is an inner struggle as to what you want. Clear your mind and do what feels best to you. Good Luck.

Learn from your mistakes! Stop pushing so hard. Listen, you come here to get advice and the opinions of others. If you choose not to take that advice and continue risking your relationships by your actions, maybe you have a deep seeded fear of a real relationship and you are ruining them without knowing it on purpose. If you know what you are doing wrong and you do know...yet you still continue...there are some real issues.

CT, We have addressed this issue with you before. Stop obssessing! Calling him drunk or not and asking those questions highlights to him your insecurities! Back off and let him come to you. It was wrong of him to blow you off but he may be trying to figure out how to best handle your bantering. RELAX, I've told you before, you are going to keep repeating your past mistakes in these relationships. Figure it out, your same actions are leading to the same results. If you really want this relationship, let it happen and stop trying to control him. Show him you trust him, leave and get away from the phone. Every passing minute just causes your mind to spin....what's he doing....who is he with....did I lose him???? Stop!

You are allowing his past to destroy your future! If he was mourning his ex who died, OK but this is a dangerous relationship to be in when he is still so in love with her whether she is available or not. I agree with the others his December Ritual is unhealthy and boderline obsessive. Mentally he is 100% involved with his ex, physically probably not. You really need to decide if you are willing to be #2 in his life, that's where you are now. Christmas should be a very happy time of year for the two of you. The real question here is, if you do talk to him and voice your concerns, what will satisfy you that he is willing to move forward with you and put his ex in the past? How will you know where his heart and thoughts are? Most people hold a place in their hearts for those who were once special to them but this takes it to a new level. I know you don't want to hurt him but this needs to stop now, it is very unhealthy for both of you. Don't let this continue through the holidays, it will only get worse. If he really loves you, why is he asking friends about her?

MR69, Until he contacts you, it was a one-night stand. Contacting him could very well scare him off, you said he was afraid of having a girlfriend. Sounds to me like he likes no strings attached. Giving it up to him on the first night was probably not a good idea. It may put you in to a category where you may have difficulties finding a lasting relationship, if that's what you are looking for. Put some feelers out through your mutual friends and find out if his interests go beyond last night.

First, stop referring to him as a "kind" man. Kind does not come to mind when you throw in temper, cruel words and hurtful actions. Be honest with yourself about whom he really is and what he sas done to you. He has dominated your life to the point you have lost your own sense of self. You really don't miss him or his ways. You have an attachment issue with him. He has caused you great pain, I have followed your other posts. You are making a huge step in the right direction by moving forward without him. Stop looking for signs that he wants you back. The fact is you don't want him back he is bad for you. If the bike is that important to you, go get it. Being that it is outside his place, this should not be a problem unless you feel that he would physically harm you if he saw you. This is a perfect example where NC is 100% for your benefit.

GCF, No one is saying anything negative or frowning upon her relationship, that is not the issue she is having and I certainly support her relationship. Your post is in left field.

CT, You've just about answered your own question. Because of the past relationships you are potentialy ruining this one. Slow down, take a deep breath and give this guy some room. You have to put to rest what happened to you before. I know that you feel vulnerable and scared that history will repeat itself and it will if you continue to act this way. Trust and believe in this guy until he has given you a solid reason not too. Don't let your imagination run away, keep things in perspective. You cannot control the past but you can control the future by your actions.

Happy B-Day Gradle! Don't try to over analyze here, you need to accept that it is a Birthday Card and let it go at that. Do not respond and burn the letters. Often letters like that are written to help us clarify our own thinking and vent. Letter like that are a step above drunk dialing. Keep your strength up by not responding keeping you in control.

PF, It seems that old wounds may possibly be healing and you are becoming more receptive to a heterosexual relationship. Your question is more about controlling your thoughts, impulses and desires for a man, correct? It is very normal regardless of the type of relationship you are in to wonder about "what it would be like" to be with another person and/or gender. This does not lessen the love you have for your girlfriend unless you act on it. Often theses feelings can be suppressed by remembering what made you fall in love with your current partner and visualize her being sexual with another man. Turn the tables. If your relationship is strong enough, talk to her about your feelings and be honest. That's what you would want isn't it?

M12, If your neighbors dog who you have been around hundreds of times before all of the sudden, unprovoked bit you. How cautious would you be next time the dog wagged his tail at you hoping for a pat on the head? Make your self too available to her and overly eager to be with her and you may get bit again. Remember what you have gone through with her and how it ended up. Question (to yourself) her motives and offer her nothing. Let her come to you with her intentions and don't assume anything. Your instincts have gotten you in to trouble before, learn from the past.

No, follow the NC format. Tell him you are going NC and to respect it, no games, no further attempts, nothing. You don't want him back and going 100% NC will prove your seriousness about moving forward without him being in your life. To you, he is dead, no longer exists. Burn and get rid of everything he every gave you. It's the only way. There has to be closure and just walking way will only leave the door open for him to contact you with questions, you want no part of this.

DP, You know what you need to do and that is NC. Write him the e-mail and explain that you can no longer be there for him at this time in any capacity. Hearing about his exploits with other women is doing you no good. He needs to understand that you are moving forward and in doing so you will not be in contact with him. This guy loves no one but himself and cannot be trusted. You deserve better and do not need the temptation right now as you are still vulnerable. NC is a must!

Ldybugrl, I'm with everyone else on this. My question is, with all you have put up with and allowed thus far, why are you worried about confronting him and risking him never telling you his feelings again? You should be splitting up assets and deciding where to live. His actions and disregard for your feelings show that he has no respect for you. He is going to do what ever it is he wants with or without your consent whether it be doing a friend, male, female, farm animal, who knows? Get out of this marriage. The trust is gone and you can find someone better, that I am 100% sure of!

DarkBlue is correct and you need another opinion. Psychosis is a loss of contact with reality, typically including delusions (false ideas about what is taking place or who one is) and hallucinations (seeing or hearing things which aren't there). Whereas OCD usually involves having both obsessions and compulsions, though a person with OCD may sometimes have only one or the other. You need to get this under control before you try to figure everything else out. We are here to help and support you but you need to see a doctor, we will be here.

Vulnerable, Congratulations! You have done the right thing and sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing and it will take some time before you see the sunshine, but you will. This is all about you now and the baby. Go NC with the ex if you can being I'm not sure if he is doing the right thing by financially aiding you and your unborn child. I believe you are in California correct? If so he can be forced by the courts to pay for your medical bills and pay child support even if you are not married. Depending upon how long you lived with him, even spousal support. If there is a record of domestic abuse it could get real ugly for him. Look in to community resources for legal and medical advice. You have taken a big step and you need to move forward and never look back. Chances are if he was abusive to you, he would be to your baby as well.

Shes2smart, Very nicely put!

LuLu, Dating Rule #1. Do NOT date co-workers! I understand that they have shown interest in you but think about it, you said "a large part of me feels like I'm not ready for anything." If you are not head over heals for this guy and prepared to either lose your job over him or having to see him every day if the relationship were to end, why bring this on yourself now? Casual dating isn't a bad idea at this stage as long as you are clear about it with the other person but keep it away from the workplace. There are other guys out there to test your dating abilities on, workplace....bad idea.