Meeky

I so feel the same. It seems like the ex just gets everything he wants on a silver plate. He doesn't miss me. He doesn't have any regrets. He just moves on and his life is perfect. Where as mine feels like it is falling apart. But, I try to think (and you should to) that he WILL get what is coming to him. One day. You won't be around to see it, but he will. He will get hurt by someone. Or he won't be able to have who he wants because they see right through him. Or he will never be happy because he can't be honest. I have already had one small taste of it. My ex went for a promotion at work and didn't get it. I was HAPPY. Isn't that horrid? And even if things do work out for them, they do not have US, and we are the best. THEY are the ones that miss out on what we have to offer. They are the ones that have to live with themselves and their behaviour.

I hate being so sad. I hate feeling so down and depressed. I hate wishing we were still together. I hate wondering if he still loves me. I hate wondering why he doesn't want to grow up and have a life with me. I hate having that sliver of hope that won't go away. I hate wanting to call him. I hate feeling as if my life is a huge mess. I hate thinking about him all the time. I hate knowing that his life will be fine without me. I hate breaking up!

......but a really excellent quote I read once said: Of course he is going to miss you. But the only reason he CAN miss you is because he is choosing every SINGLE day to live without you. You can't make someone love you. You can't make a relationship work if the other person doesn't want to. You can't fix something that was probably broken from the beginning.

Hasn't anyone got any advice?????

Talked to my ex of three weeks for about two hours last night. So much for no contact. I KNOW it is the best thing to do, that I need to put space between us in order to heal and move on, but it is hard. Quick recap. We broke up three weeks ago (were together 2 years and lived together for the last 8 months). He says he can't be open and honest with me and doesn't know what he wants (in terms of me, in life, job, everything). I said I can't be with someone who can't be open and honest. So he moved out and moved in with his mum, I stayed in the flat. I moved out last Friday and shifted back to my home town. We saw each other on the Wednesday. He texted me both on Thursday and Friday asking to see me before I left. I refused. So we had no contact since Thursday. However, as he was staying in the city, he had the appointment with the landlord to check the flat in order to get out bond back. He texted me Monday telling me the landlord was being an a*se and causing problems. I have a friend who is a lawyer, so I knew the landlord didn't have a leg to stand on. So, I ended up calling the landlord, and sorting it out (after talking to the ex as well). During our conversation he tried to get friendly and ask how I was. I refused, and kept it business-like. It was SO hard. Anyway, after sorting it, I felt stink. Like I had gone back to square one. Hearing his voice just makes it feel so horrible all over again and I miss him. Monday night he calls me to tell me what is happening with the bond (he has to fax me some paperwork) and we talk about the last bills etc. He tries again to small talk. I give in. We end up talking for two and a half hours. About general stuff, but about us as well. He keeps telling me how much he misses me and loves me. BUT won't do anything about it. So I don't know whether all his talk is just that. Talk. If he really loved me that much, he would move mountains to be with me, even though I am in another city. But he is "unsure". About me, about everything in his life. And I refuse to wait around for someone who is unsure. BUT I still cling to the hope. I hope he will realise that he has made a big mistake by letting me go. He probably won't, I know. But it is what I hope for. I hate it. I hate thinking about it so much, and missing him, and this stage of the whole thing. I have to let go, I have to move on. And I am trying. I have moved away, I start training for a new job next week (which I hope will be a big distraction), but I still think too much and wonder too much. The great "He's just not that into you" book says that of course he misses me. But the only reason he gets to miss me is cause he is choosing everyday not to be with me. I think that is a great quote and probably very true. SO, why is it that I can't let go??????? I need to cut him out of my life and have absolutely no contact anymore. I know this. So I have changed my phone number. I hope that will stop me WAITING for him to contact me, as much as me getting upset by his (infrequent) texts. I don't understand why he does it though. Why say those things? I guess he is just trying to be the "nice guy". The one who is hurt too. And he wants to do the "friends" thing. He is friends with all his exs, and it is his worst nightmare for someone NOT to like him. Sorry to ramble. I am just at such a confusing place right now. All over the place emotion wise, and I feel very screwed up.

Hey there, Read your post and soooo feel your pain! I know what you mean about going back to square one. I am at that point too, having spoken to my ex yesterday on the phone about flat stuff (our landlord is being an a*se). And I know what you mean about holding on to the hope. I do the same. Even though, when I think about it, even if he came back and begged me now, I'm not sure it would be the right thing to do. His personality does not suit mine, and we are probably just not meant to be. But that doesn't mean I don't think about him, miss him, wish we could be together again. I think your friend was really harsh. I have one of those friends too, who thinks it is helpful to make sure you are constantly getting "reality checks". I think it is okay to be upset about getting your stuff. It is okay to have hope. These things are all normal. I don't blame myself anymore for feeling bad, or upset, even though I'm sure lots of people think I should just get over it, and that i can do better. I hope you are feeling a bit better now. TAke care of yourself, and maybe go out and do something just for you. I am treating myself to a massage tomorrow.

I am all over the place at the moment. I feel like I have lost all control and am a complete mess. I saw my ex on the weekend. I KNOW NC is the way to heal, but up until now, I keep breaking it. Or he does. Have lasted five days at the most. I can't handle this. I feel like I am falling apart. I feel like I am drowning. I guess what triggered this is that it is my last week in the same city as him. I am moving in three days time. It seems SO final. I will never see him again. I am panicking. He will never grow up so there is no hope for us. I know this. I know we can't be together and that he is not the one for me. But leaving scares the s*it out of me. I am so used to having his support, hearing from him, having his arms wrapped around me at night, and now we have nothing. It is like an addiction. I MISS HIM SO MUCH it hurts. It has been three weeks and I have made ZERO progress. I am about to take a new job in a week and need to be able to focus on that. But instead, ALL I can think about is HIM. It is eating me up alive. I wish I could just sleep for a few months until the pain and the stupid thoughts have gone. I wish I could switch off my brain. I know so many people get through this, and that time will heal all eventually, but I just feel so stuck and down at the moment. I so hate my life right now. Sorry, this post has no real point. I just needed to vent.

I don't think you can be friends until you are COMPLETELY over him. So, no emotional feelings whatsoever.

Good point NJRon. It just freaks me out cause I have this fear I guess, that once I leave the city it is truly over. I have to accept that, I know, but I'm scared. Thegoodgirl04, when was the last time you had contact?

Well, I guess that is a good thing in a way. My ex leaves me alone for a few days, then either texted or writes THE saddest emails (the last on Wednesday). It brings back all those feelings, and I get upset. He said he was "working on his problems" which of course gives me the smallest sliver of hope. I HATE THAT. Half of me thinks he is doing it just to make sure I am still out there for him. He feels sorry for himself. BUT won't do anything to change the situation. The thing is, I find it SO difficult to ignore him. If he contacts me it throws me back to stage 1. I am leaving the city we both lived in next week. So one more week and I get to at least put some distance between us. Am thinking of leaving him a letter saying goodbye and only to ever contact me again if he has changed. What do you think?

Whenever I read your posts, I ALWAYS see me in them. I feel exactly the same as you. I know it is probably for the best that it is over, that he lied so many times, that I deserve better. But that doesn't stop me crying sometimes, when I think of the stuff I DID like about him. I also wonder whether I am throwing something good away, but then I keep telling myself, if he wanted me and wanted to change he WOULD and he would fight for me and us. And he is not. Is your ex contacting you?

Today is Day 5 of no contact. Well, that isn't entirely true. Yesterday was four days with NC. I had a really miserable day. I missed him. I cried at work. It was horrid. I considered calling him, but kept telling myself it would do me no good. I stayed strong. I walked home, cleared my head and pulled myself together. Only to get home to an email from him. He wanted to come pick up his bike from our flat (he still has some stuff here). I have no problem with that. But his email was more than just asking permission to pick it up. He started by saying he was lost, that he had no motivation to do anything anymore without me in his life. That he missed me, that he was miserable, that he can't get me out of his head. He asked how I was doing, hoped I was okay. Also said that he is working hard on his problems and issues, and trying to sort things out in his head. Argh. It threw me a bit. I wanted to reply, but thought, what would the point be? I would tell him I miss him too? But we won't get any further with the original problem. Which is that he cannot be open and honest with me. He has to WANT to change, and he just doesn't at this point. Maybe he never will. He picked up his bike today, and now, for some weird reason, I want to call. I want to hear his voice. I KNOW there is no point, but that doesn't stop the desire. He asked my sister (who was home) to say hi from him and also asked if I was okay. This is SO hard. I am leaving the city for good in a week, so I guess the both of us are freaking a bit, cause that is such a FINAL thing. I don't know. I was thinking maybe I should NOT call now, give myself the week, and if I still feel the same, call him on my last day to say goodbye? Would that be a mistake? Or should I just cut him totally out of my life? I want us to be together again, but not how things were. I don't know if they can EVER work out (am trying to accept that) but I just don't know what to do or how to act. Any advice?

With the Dutch if you want me to.

Wow, it is like reading my own post! I had a similar day today. I was doing fine the last few days, actually FINDING the anger, and not feeling sad for the first time. Then today, I was thrown back into sadness, wondering what he is doing, how he is feeling, whether he is thinking of me. I even contemplated calling. I so had the same where I thought I desperately wanted him to contact me. He did. I got home tonight and there was an email. Saying how much he misses me and loves me. BUT he is still not willing to change. I am not sure about the leopards and their spots. I think people can change if THEY want to. Not because we want them to, or because someone tells them they have to. It is something they have to figure out for themselves. And it seems, for both me and you, they need to figure that out ALONE. All I can say, and all I am doing, is leaning on my friends, coming to this forum LOTS, and trying to keep telling myself that I DESERVE BETTER. So do you!

Don't break NC. I agree with all the others. If SHE breaks the no contact, okay, but don't be the first. I hear you, and how you are feeling. I was feeling similar today. Wondering WHY it is taking me so long to make some progress (have been broken up two weeks), and after two strong days, today I was back to wanting to contact him. The thing is, if you contact her, you would have let her "win". Think of it that way. If she never hears from you, she doesn't know you are upset, that you think about her all the time, that you miss her. But if you contact her, that will all come spilling out, and she will be in control again. I know you want to be friends and want to show her that you have changed. But I personally don't think you can be friends for a VERY long time afterwards, if at all. Stay strong, think only of YOURSELF, and remember, YOU deserve better!