Meeky

I so feel the same. It seems like the ex just gets everything he wants on a silver plate. He doesn't miss me. He doesn't have any regrets. He just moves on and his life is perfect. Where as mine feels like it is falling apart. But, I try to think (and you should to) that he WILL get what is coming to him. One day. You won't be around to see it, but he will. He will get hurt by someone. Or he won't be able to have who he wants because they see right through him. Or he will never be happy because he can't be honest. I have already had one small taste of it. My ex went for a promotion at work and didn't get it. I was HAPPY. Isn't that horrid? And even if things do work out for them, they do not have US, and we are the best. THEY are the ones that miss out on what we have to offer. They are the ones that have to live with themselves and their behaviour.

I hate being so sad. I hate feeling so down and depressed. I hate wishing we were still together. I hate wondering if he still loves me. I hate wondering why he doesn't want to grow up and have a life with me. I hate having that sliver of hope that won't go away. I hate wanting to call him. I hate feeling as if my life is a huge mess. I hate thinking about him all the time. I hate knowing that his life will be fine without me. I hate breaking up!

......but a really excellent quote I read once said: Of course he is going to miss you. But the only reason he CAN miss you is because he is choosing every SINGLE day to live without you. You can't make someone love you. You can't make a relationship work if the other person doesn't want to. You can't fix something that was probably broken from the beginning.

Hasn't anyone got any advice?????

Talked to my ex of three weeks for about two hours last night. So much for no contact. I KNOW it is the best thing to do, that I need to put space between us in order to heal and move on, but it is hard. Quick recap. We broke up three weeks ago (were together 2 years and lived together for the last 8 months). He says he can't be open and honest with me and doesn't know what he wants (in terms of me, in life, job, everything). I said I can't be with someone who can't be open and honest. So he moved out and moved in with his mum, I stayed in the flat. I moved out last Friday and shifted back to my home town. We saw each other on the Wednesday. He texted me both on Thursday and Friday asking to see me before I left. I refused. So we had no contact since Thursday. However, as he was staying in the city, he had the appointment with the landlord to check the flat in order to get out bond back. He texted me Monday telling me the landlord was being an a*se and causing problems. I have a friend who is a lawyer, so I knew the landlord didn't have a leg to stand on. So, I ended up calling the landlord, and sorting it out (after talking to the ex as well). During our conversation he tried to get friendly and ask how I was. I refused, and kept it business-like. It was SO hard. Anyway, after sorting it, I felt stink. Like I had gone back to square one. Hearing his voice just makes it feel so horrible all over again and I miss him. Monday night he calls me to tell me what is happening with the bond (he has to fax me some paperwork) and we talk about the last bills etc. He tries again to small talk. I give in. We end up talking for two and a half hours. About general stuff, but about us as well. He keeps telling me how much he misses me and loves me. BUT won't do anything about it. So I don't know whether all his talk is just that. Talk. If he really loved me that much, he would move mountains to be with me, even though I am in another city. But he is "unsure". About me, about everything in his life. And I refuse to wait around for someone who is unsure. BUT I still cling to the hope. I hope he will realise that he has made a big mistake by letting me go. He probably won't, I know. But it is what I hope for. I hate it. I hate thinking about it so much, and missing him, and this stage of the whole thing. I have to let go, I have to move on. And I am trying. I have moved away, I start training for a new job next week (which I hope will be a big distraction), but I still think too much and wonder too much. The great "He's just not that into you" book says that of course he misses me. But the only reason he gets to miss me is cause he is choosing everyday not to be with me. I think that is a great quote and probably very true. SO, why is it that I can't let go??????? I need to cut him out of my life and have absolutely no contact anymore. I know this. So I have changed my phone number. I hope that will stop me WAITING for him to contact me, as much as me getting upset by his (infrequent) texts. I don't understand why he does it though. Why say those things? I guess he is just trying to be the "nice guy". The one who is hurt too. And he wants to do the "friends" thing. He is friends with all his exs, and it is his worst nightmare for someone NOT to like him. Sorry to ramble. I am just at such a confusing place right now. All over the place emotion wise, and I feel very screwed up.

Hey there, Read your post and soooo feel your pain! I know what you mean about going back to square one. I am at that point too, having spoken to my ex yesterday on the phone about flat stuff (our landlord is being an a*se). And I know what you mean about holding on to the hope. I do the same. Even though, when I think about it, even if he came back and begged me now, I'm not sure it would be the right thing to do. His personality does not suit mine, and we are probably just not meant to be. But that doesn't mean I don't think about him, miss him, wish we could be together again. I think your friend was really harsh. I have one of those friends too, who thinks it is helpful to make sure you are constantly getting "reality checks". I think it is okay to be upset about getting your stuff. It is okay to have hope. These things are all normal. I don't blame myself anymore for feeling bad, or upset, even though I'm sure lots of people think I should just get over it, and that i can do better. I hope you are feeling a bit better now. TAke care of yourself, and maybe go out and do something just for you. I am treating myself to a massage tomorrow.

I am all over the place at the moment. I feel like I have lost all control and am a complete mess. I saw my ex on the weekend. I KNOW NC is the way to heal, but up until now, I keep breaking it. Or he does. Have lasted five days at the most. I can't handle this. I feel like I am falling apart. I feel like I am drowning. I guess what triggered this is that it is my last week in the same city as him. I am moving in three days time. It seems SO final. I will never see him again. I am panicking. He will never grow up so there is no hope for us. I know this. I know we can't be together and that he is not the one for me. But leaving scares the s*it out of me. I am so used to having his support, hearing from him, having his arms wrapped around me at night, and now we have nothing. It is like an addiction. I MISS HIM SO MUCH it hurts. It has been three weeks and I have made ZERO progress. I am about to take a new job in a week and need to be able to focus on that. But instead, ALL I can think about is HIM. It is eating me up alive. I wish I could just sleep for a few months until the pain and the stupid thoughts have gone. I wish I could switch off my brain. I know so many people get through this, and that time will heal all eventually, but I just feel so stuck and down at the moment. I so hate my life right now. Sorry, this post has no real point. I just needed to vent.

I don't think you can be friends until you are COMPLETELY over him. So, no emotional feelings whatsoever.

Good point NJRon. It just freaks me out cause I have this fear I guess, that once I leave the city it is truly over. I have to accept that, I know, but I'm scared. Thegoodgirl04, when was the last time you had contact?

Well, I guess that is a good thing in a way. My ex leaves me alone for a few days, then either texted or writes THE saddest emails (the last on Wednesday). It brings back all those feelings, and I get upset. He said he was "working on his problems" which of course gives me the smallest sliver of hope. I HATE THAT. Half of me thinks he is doing it just to make sure I am still out there for him. He feels sorry for himself. BUT won't do anything to change the situation. The thing is, I find it SO difficult to ignore him. If he contacts me it throws me back to stage 1. I am leaving the city we both lived in next week. So one more week and I get to at least put some distance between us. Am thinking of leaving him a letter saying goodbye and only to ever contact me again if he has changed. What do you think?

Whenever I read your posts, I ALWAYS see me in them. I feel exactly the same as you. I know it is probably for the best that it is over, that he lied so many times, that I deserve better. But that doesn't stop me crying sometimes, when I think of the stuff I DID like about him. I also wonder whether I am throwing something good away, but then I keep telling myself, if he wanted me and wanted to change he WOULD and he would fight for me and us. And he is not. Is your ex contacting you?

Today is Day 5 of no contact. Well, that isn't entirely true. Yesterday was four days with NC. I had a really miserable day. I missed him. I cried at work. It was horrid. I considered calling him, but kept telling myself it would do me no good. I stayed strong. I walked home, cleared my head and pulled myself together. Only to get home to an email from him. He wanted to come pick up his bike from our flat (he still has some stuff here). I have no problem with that. But his email was more than just asking permission to pick it up. He started by saying he was lost, that he had no motivation to do anything anymore without me in his life. That he missed me, that he was miserable, that he can't get me out of his head. He asked how I was doing, hoped I was okay. Also said that he is working hard on his problems and issues, and trying to sort things out in his head. Argh. It threw me a bit. I wanted to reply, but thought, what would the point be? I would tell him I miss him too? But we won't get any further with the original problem. Which is that he cannot be open and honest with me. He has to WANT to change, and he just doesn't at this point. Maybe he never will. He picked up his bike today, and now, for some weird reason, I want to call. I want to hear his voice. I KNOW there is no point, but that doesn't stop the desire. He asked my sister (who was home) to say hi from him and also asked if I was okay. This is SO hard. I am leaving the city for good in a week, so I guess the both of us are freaking a bit, cause that is such a FINAL thing. I don't know. I was thinking maybe I should NOT call now, give myself the week, and if I still feel the same, call him on my last day to say goodbye? Would that be a mistake? Or should I just cut him totally out of my life? I want us to be together again, but not how things were. I don't know if they can EVER work out (am trying to accept that) but I just don't know what to do or how to act. Any advice?

With the Dutch if you want me to.

Wow, it is like reading my own post! I had a similar day today. I was doing fine the last few days, actually FINDING the anger, and not feeling sad for the first time. Then today, I was thrown back into sadness, wondering what he is doing, how he is feeling, whether he is thinking of me. I even contemplated calling. I so had the same where I thought I desperately wanted him to contact me. He did. I got home tonight and there was an email. Saying how much he misses me and loves me. BUT he is still not willing to change. I am not sure about the leopards and their spots. I think people can change if THEY want to. Not because we want them to, or because someone tells them they have to. It is something they have to figure out for themselves. And it seems, for both me and you, they need to figure that out ALONE. All I can say, and all I am doing, is leaning on my friends, coming to this forum LOTS, and trying to keep telling myself that I DESERVE BETTER. So do you!

Don't break NC. I agree with all the others. If SHE breaks the no contact, okay, but don't be the first. I hear you, and how you are feeling. I was feeling similar today. Wondering WHY it is taking me so long to make some progress (have been broken up two weeks), and after two strong days, today I was back to wanting to contact him. The thing is, if you contact her, you would have let her "win". Think of it that way. If she never hears from you, she doesn't know you are upset, that you think about her all the time, that you miss her. But if you contact her, that will all come spilling out, and she will be in control again. I know you want to be friends and want to show her that you have changed. But I personally don't think you can be friends for a VERY long time afterwards, if at all. Stay strong, think only of YOURSELF, and remember, YOU deserve better!

Hi mystik, Thanks for your reply. Your post made me smile. I will fake it until I make it! I am going to try and embrace this feeling of being okay (ish) and feeling the ANGER. Oh, I SO prefer it to sadness!! But if I regress, I can see from you that it is not the end of the world! 5 steps forward, 2 back (if that!)!!!!!!

My boyfriend and I have been broken up for two weeks now. Basically it came down to the fact that he says he is unable to be open and honest with me. He WANTs to be (or so he says) but doesn't know how. So I broke up with him. However, it seemed to be relatively mutual, as he has not chased me, begged me not to do it or anything. He has not fought to keep me or our relationship. I guess that says alot. I have basically been crying for two weeks straight. I lost my appetite, could only talk about him and how much I wished we could be together. I lost all zest for life. We saw each other on Friday, and he stayed (I know, I know, stupid!), and I felt like I went back to Square One. He said he loved me, that he missed me, but is STILL unwilling to make the necessary changes to himself. I think it is too much like hard work. I don't think he is ready to commit himself to a real relationship. However, that doesn't make me miss him any less. Anyway, after Friday, I decided it was best for my sanity, and in order for me to accept that we are over for good, if we didn't have any more contact. Today is Day 3. The weird thing is, that I am calm all of a sudden. I have not cried, I am thinking about him less, and I am actually at the point where I am ANGRY with him. Angry that he doesn't love me enough to want to do anything and everything to be with me. Angry that he is a coward and that he is willing to throw us away just like that. I LIKE the anger. It makes me feel stronger. I hated being sad and pathetic. But I am worried that I will regress at some stage? Is this just temporary? Am I going to turn into a pathetic mess again at some point? He is the type of person who agrees with everything in order to be the good guy, so I know he will not contact me (I asked him not to). So really, I don't have any triggers. I am moving cities and taking a new job in two weeks, which I am trying desperately to focus on and look forward to. So, my question is: will this last? Have I made some progress? Or am I just kidding myself and ignoring my feelings? I must admit everytime I think of something I miss about him, I push it away. Anyone else had this happen? Or something similar?

Hi Spawn, Yes, I guess some things aren't meant to be. My ex was also fond of making big mistakes (like lying!) and then trying to turn it around like it was my fault. I always tried to explain things from my perspective, how what he did hurt me and upset me. And then he would go and do it again. He would learn nothing. And he has still learnt nothing. He thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong with his behaviour and that I am jealous. I told him that if it weren't for his sneakiness and deception, we could have had the best relationship in the world. I hope one day he realises that he needs to be open and honest and trustworthy (I don't think you can have a relationship without these things), and that he should have at least tried with me. I hope he realises he has lost the best thing in his life. But if he doesn't, I guess that is HIS problem. I just have to keep telling myself I deserve BETTER. That there MUST be someone out there who has similar principles and norms to me.

I had a mutual sort of break up. Well, I asked him to leave, but so thought he would wake up and realise that we were great together and that he didn't want to lose me. Oops. Backfired. He is now "unsure" of what he wants. Well, to me that means he does not want me. I know I was controlling in the relationship (partly due to my personality, and partly due to his behaviour) but he also has MAJOR issues to work out. I know he won't work on them. He would rather put his head in the sand and pretend everything is fine. That there is nothing wrong with him. That the problem is all mine. I think people who need to change, almost never do. It takes a lot of effort, a lot of will and the realisation that they HAVE a problem. Unfortunately most don't.

I am also experiencing similar pain to what you are going through. I don't sleep properly, am not eating, can only think about HIM, cry everyday, am exhausted all the time, and basically don't get through one single day without feeling utterly miserable. I am two weeks down the line from breaking up, and this is the first day of NC. It is hard. But I think if you read everyone's posts here, you can see that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. I think you and me, and all those other heartbroken souls out there need to focus on OURSELVES. What we want, what we need, what is best for US. It is hard not to think about THEM, but it is something I am trying. Looking for my OWN ways to get through this, doing things that make me feel better. Also trying to focus on future plans (I have gotten a new job and am moving cities!) and leaning on friends. We will get through this. It will just take time (no matter how horrible or cliche that sounds).

My boyfriend and I broke up two weeks ago, and he has cried many times since. On the phone, in person. And he was never a crier before. In fact, I had never seen him cry in the two years we were together. I think guys definitely cry (depending on how much the person means to them), but that they are able to put their emotions and grief into a box, go to work, go out with friends and at least PRETEND everything is okay.

He did not cheat on me. At least as far as I know and as far as he says. His behaviour is just inappropriate in my eyes, others may find it okay. I find having dinner in your hotel room with another woman inappropriate. I find it inappropriate to have flirty relationships with other women. I find it inappropriate not to tell your partner when you have gotten another womans phone number. These things are my principles. He does not hold the same principles. He is someone who has a LOT of friends that are girls. He sees nothing wrong with his behaviour and says they are just friends. That may be so, but the way he handles them insinuates something different. He just can't be open and honest with me about them. And I can't handle that. I know we couldn't have gone on the way we were going. And that something had to happen. But I am just so upset right now, and I want him back so bad. It just feels as if everything would be okay if we were back together again. That that is the easier option. This is too hard. I miss him too much. I wish he had cheated. Then at least I could hate him.

Am feeling really low today. My boyfriend of two years and I have been broken up for two weeks. But we keep clinging to each other. I broke up with him, not because I wanted to, but because it was the only solution, as I couldn't live with his behaviour. Last week Tuesday I sent him an email saying that it was probably better for our sanity and for the healing process if we don't have anymore contact. The next day he sent texts, saying how much he misses me, saying so many sweet things. I couldn't handle it. So I gave in, and texted him back. He then called me on the Thursday, and turned up on my doorstep on Friday. I KNOW I was totally stupid, but I let him stay the night with me. We did NOT sleep together (not for lack of trying on his part!) because I told him we sleep together when we are in a relationship, not outside of it. We talked for hours and hours on end about us and the mistakes we had made, and what we both had to do to make things work. But he still isn't saying I WILL CHANGE. Just says he misses me, loves me, wants to be with me, but isn't sure HOW to change himself. Says he doesn't know what he wants. Well, in my book that means you don't want me. We talked about options, like maybe going back to dating for awhile, but what good would that do???? For me, it basically boils down to HIM needing to make some effort. I want him to show me that I am the most important person in my life, and that he wants to be with me, and will do whatever it takes. And that he IS willing to change. But deep down it won't happen. He is too lazy, too laid back, too set in his ways. The problem is, I am having such trouble letting go. I wish I could get angry with him, instead of just feeling sad all the time. He needs to grow up and change, and of course, I can't make him do that. He has to WANT to. He says he loves me, misses me, hates us being apart etc etc etc, but never says he is willing to look at himself and do some soul searching. I guess I am living in hope, and that sucks. I want to get past this. Want to get past hurting, hoping, wishing. So I am trying to focus on the stuff I don't like about him. About how much he has hurt me in the past. So why do I still feel so upset and long for him? So, today is Day 1 of NC. I know I have to do this. But I don't want to (which I suppose is what is making it harder). But I am holding on to him, holding on to the hope, and that isn't helping me. I need to follow through this time. I need to NOT give in and contact him or see him. But HOW??????? How do I get strong????? This time I have ASKED him to help me. I know that probably shows to him that I am weak, but he has agreed to give me space and not contact me either. It just feels like a HUGE task, especially being Day 1. I have two more weeks in the same city as him, and I can't imagine going two weeks without speaking/texting etc, let alone longer. Help.

I have posted many times before, and find so much comfort here. My b/f and I broke up two weeks ago. I still love him VERY much, and wish we could be together. He says he loves me too, but finds it very difficult to be open and honest with me. I need that in a relationship. He says he can't change. So, I said if you can't change, we don't have a future. We have had many upset phone calls (am trying to sort out our flat, belongings etc so had contact last week), and I was hysterical on Monday and even went to see him. Although it felt good at the time, I realised I was living in hope for him to turn around and say he can't live with out me and that he WILL change. I want this. But of course, you can't make someone change, he has to want to. So, I decided to write him an email, tell him that we need to move on, and the only way to do that is to cut off contact. I have tried to finish off all the flat stuff, and told him that if he has something different to say, he knows where to find me. But for now, I hoped he would have a good life. For some reason, his idea of no contact is to send me texts. He sent me one yesterday, saying he got my email, that he is at a loss for words. That this hurts like crazy. That he misses me. And that this sucks. I was slightly annoyed that he contacted me even though I said dont, but of course part of me was HAPPY to hear from him. Then I get another one last night, saying that he misses me, misses cuddling me, and that he is upset. WHY IS HE DOING THIS? Why is he torturing me by telling me how much he misses me and how upset he is? HE is the one who can do something about it????? Does he not realise he is hurting me everytime and stopping me from moving on????? Or is he just being selfish, thinking of himself??????

Gosh, this is kinda hard. Split up with my b/f almost two weeks ago. It was kind of mutual. I am still a mess. So I can definitely think of all the things I miss. I miss the way he used to stroke my hair, the way he cuddled me on the couch, the way he held me at night before we went to sleep, the way he made me laugh over the most stupid things (I am quite a serious person), him leaving me notes on the fridge or in my lunch, my goodness, I could go on and on!