Meeky

I didn't even last a day. Am feeling really guilty, but then again, on the other hand, everyone keeps saying there are no rules, and that I shouldn't feel guilty about my mistakes. So, we have been broken up for a week and a half, after being together for two years (see my other post: ) After a heartwrenching phone call on Friday, no contact on Saturday, and then another heart wrenching phone call on Sunday (we were living together so we are trying to sort everything out), I decided that I would give myself a goal to NOT contact him for a week. And when that week passed, I would see if I could wait another week. And just keep going like that. However, I had the most horrid day on Monday. I felt so depressed, so lonely, utterly miserable. And I heard that he was going around telling me we were breaking up. I guess that really hit home, because although we broke up (it was mostly my decision, but he agreed) I kept thinking there was hope. Even just a sliver. That we still love each other, and that for the rest, our relationship is (was!) fabulous. The only issue we have is that he has great difficulty being open and honest with me. This is, of course, a huge issue. He has stated he can't change (or won't?) So there was nowhere else to go, but to break up city. Anyway, I got home after work, and totally bawled my eyes out. You know when you cry so much you can't breathe? It was awful. I'm sure he sensed it from the other side of the city! He called. We talked. Well, he talked, I cried. Talked about us, talked about why, how, what we were doing. I said I needed to hear from him that it was over. For good. That there is no chance of us ever getting back together. He said he couldn't do that. That he didn't want to believe that, so couldn't say it. But I am still living in hope, and I HATE it. I wanted him just to SAY IT, so that there would be no more hope. He couldn't. I don't think because he doesn't want it to be over, but because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. He hates being hated. He even wants us to be friends. Give me a break. After a LONG two hour conversation, we hung up. And for some reason, I got in my car and drove to him. He was happy to see me. We talked, and talked and talked, around and around about the stuff we always talk about. Nothing new of course. He told me he loved me. He even asked me to stay the night. And as much as I would have wanted to, I KNEW in my heart, it wasn't a good idea. That it would just make things so much worse for me. Cause of course, guys can separate sex from everything, and he would be able to go on the next day as if nothing had happened. And for me, it would have given me hope. So, I was strong, and said no. I left. He sent me a text, saying he loved seeing me and loved me. This morning, I decided it was best for my OWN sanity to cut off contact. I sent him an email, explaining this. And managed to sort the majority of our living arrangements out. I hope I won't have to talk to him about anything in regards to that anymore. Because in a way I was using that as an excuse to talk to him. I KNOW I have to do this, but it is sooooo hard. He is so pretends to be the nice guy, and that makes this harder. I need to find the anger. I need to remember all the HORRIBLE things he did to me, where he didn't respect me, my feelings or our relationship. So why is it I can only think about how much I miss his arms around me? How do I stick to NC, and get through this?

I am sitting at home bawling my eyes out. It has been one week. One week apart. Only one weekend of no contact. I am struggling. I want to talk about it, but on the other hand I am sick of talking about it. I don't know who to talk to. I'm sure my friends are so sick of hearing about it. One minute I feel like I will get through this eventually, next minute I am a bawling mess on the floor. I keep trying to convince myself that I don't want him, not the way things were. And he is not willing to change, so thereforeeee it SHOULD be over. But my heart is screaming that I don't want to live without him. I miss him so much, my heart feels like it is literally breaking. Everyone tells me it will be okay. That it will be hell for a few months, but that I will get over this and move on. They tell me time heals all. I have read all the posts about no contact, about moving on, I have scowered the internet for advice. But right now, it just feels like I am stuck in this huge hole and I can't climb out. I just want him back. I want him to take me in his arms, and tell me that he loves me and that it will be okay. I am a mess. I feel lost. I don't know how to go forward.

Hey, we are not the only ones who give false hope! My ex is doing the same to me every time we talk! Doesn't have the balls to say, IT IS OVER, I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU. Just says he is not sure. That he loves me. That he misses me. So, it is NOT just a female thing!

Wow, thank you all so much for your kind words. I read that article - it was amazing! I'm sure everyone involved in a break up can read themselves in it. So, where am I at? I'm not sure. He sent me a really sad text on Thursday night, saying he was unhappy, and that he hates all this. But then at the end said he was coming to pick up his stuff on Friday. Well, obviously not unhappy enough. Friday we both had counselling sessions. We had been going as a couple before the break up, and she had suggested we both have individual sessions to try and sort out our individual issues. His was before mine so I knew she had spoken to him. Of course she couldn't tell me what he'd said, but she seemed to be so sure that if we wanted our relationship to get back together, it would be possible (if of course, he is willing to change). That's not really what I wanted to hear. I am already fighting the sliver of hope. I am trying to MOVE ON, not live in hope of him coming to me and saying he can and is willing to change. Then she said to me that I have control issues, and that that is something I need to work on (she is spot on, I do). Then she said I should open myself, be vunerable, and tell him that if he was willing to try and change, and he saw a future for us, that I would be open to that. I was scared to say that. I don't want to be vunerable. But she said we were both trying to be strong, sending the wrong signals, and trying not to look weak. So I had to take the risk, and put myself out there. I was not keen. However, I trusted her advice. I got home in the afternoon and he had taken all his stuff. ALL of it. It was heartbreaking to see. What was worse was that he had left me the most heartwrenching note. That he was really upset, that he was hurt, and that he loved me and I would always be in his heart and mind. I don't need to read that. Cause if he loved me that much, he would be with me and do anything. He had also left me a few other notes around the place, which made it worse. After talking to a friend of mine, who agreed with the counsellor (!), I plucked up the courage to call him. We still have to sort out our house, and stuff, so that was the main reason for the call. But before I got into that, I said that I was open to him coming to me and telling me that he could change and that we might have a chance. You know what he said? I KNOW. I felt totally stupid, vunerable, desperate (even though I'm not!) and DUMB for listening to the counsellor. I had put myself out there and got a typical HIM reaction back. So, I moved on and went to talk about the flat, etc, and then we did the "this is so hard" talk, crying etc. So gets you nowhere. However, at one point he did say to me that he was sorry for saying that he knew I was open to us getting back together. He was just being arrogant and defensive. But he then went on to still say he wasn't sure blah blah blah. I can't listen to his indecision. Anyway, he is going to call me Sunday with his decisions about the flat (he is deciding whether to stay here when I leave in 3 weeks). After hanging up, I got some sort of strength from somewhere. I stopped crying (it has been an evening AND a morning without crying - progress!!!) and thought DAMN YOU. I don't want any more phone calls like that. I don't want to hear how sad you are, how much you miss me. YOU are the only one who can change that, YOU are the one with the issues. I can't do anything about how you feel, and I can't make you want to be with me. I need to get on with my own life. SO, I am trying to look FORWARD. Plan things, look into the future (one without him). I have a new job in a month, new colleagues, and I'm moving cities. So, when he calls on Sunday, I am going to try and sort as much of the flat stuff as possible, and then tell him that we can't have contact anymore. I am not going to totally be STRICT (which is how I usually am), and say never speak to me ever again. But I am going to say that it is both our best interests to take some time apart without getting caught up in sad crying conversations with each other. I am going to say that I might give in and call him (and that's okay!), and that he can do the same, and that there are no hard and fast rules. But basically, if he has something to say (other than he misses me) he CAN call me. If he wants to say that he wants us to be together and that he is willing to change. I will listen. But other than that, we should no talk anymore. What do you guys think?

I can't believe it is over. We talked on Monday night, for hours, crying and crying and crying. But he agrees, that we can't go on like this. Tells me he can't change. What else can I say to that? I spend Tues crying. Wednesday he comes home, and we spend the afternoon talking and crying. For some reason I think I want to spend one last day and night with him. Just to say goodbye. But during the afternoon I realise it is killing me. He cooks me dinner, just like normal times, and sits on the couch beside me. Suddenly I realise he has to leave. I want him to stay. I want to be with him. But I can't just spend time with him like everything is okay. I tell him he has to go to his Mum's. But I can't watch him leave, so I get up to head to a friends place. He starts crying, crying so much he can't breathe. Falls on the floor. BEGS me not to go. It was so horrible, and my heart was breaking. But there would have been no use in staying. He didn't ask me not to go because he was going to change, and that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. He just didn't want me to go THEN. That's what I think anyway. So, I spent the evening crying at my friends house, got back and he was gone. He left me the most heart wrenching note. "I Love you so much. This hurts so much I can't believe it. I miss you. Love you." This is so killing me. Why can't this work???????????? How am I supposed to get over this guy???? I have moved all his stuff into the spare room for him to pick up - basically so I don't have to see it all the time. How long will it be before I am back to my normal self again? How long before I stop hurting???????

My goodness, I read your post, and pretty much bawled my eyes out. I am in the middle of breaking up with my boyfriend of two years. We have travelled the world together, come back "home" and moved in together. Most of the time it is fantastic, but he seems to need more than just me and appears to be unable to be honest. We have been fighting like cats and dogs lately, and after a disastrous weekend, where he chose to go out for a beer, rather than talk to me on the other end of the phone crying, I have decided that enough is enough. We are both struggling, neither wanting to let go, but both knowing it is the right thing to do. I am on Day 2, and haven't stopped crying yet. And when I'm not crying, I have a huge lump in my throat. I can't but help think, if he loved me, he would make the effort. He would do anything. But in reality, he isn't willing to do anything much at all. I too, carry a secret hope that it will work itself out SOMEHOW. I guess that is denial. I don't know why love is so hard, and why it makes us hurt so much. All I know is that this is horrible. The only thing I can say to you, is what all my friends keep saying to me: you deserve better. And just take one minute at a time. Then one hour. Then one day. Then one week.

I have written to the forum before about my boyfriend. We have been seeing each other for almost two years now. Moved countries, travelled, and are now living together. We have had trust issues from the start (he had a girlfriend when we first started seeing each other and he has MANY MANY friends that are girls that he has been "inappropriate" with in my eyes) and we are still struggling with them. However, it has now got to the point where I can't take much more. We are seeing a counsellor, and trying to work through it, but my boyfriend doesn't seem to be able or willing to make the effort required. The counsellor told us that he has to be completely transparent and tell me EVERYTHING in order to build the trust up. He said he would do that. Between then and now, I have caught him out on three occasions, where has has withheld the truth on purpose. The first was when I found out he was forwarding emails from a "friend" to a secret email account he has. The second was when I found out he had bumped into a colleague while working, and swapped phone numbers with her, and had been texting for weeks. And the third when I snapped him getting a text from another "friend" who I knew nothing about, also female. He had supposedly bumped into her weeks ago and said NOTHING. I am TRYING to see it from his perspective but am finding it difficult because being open and honest seems so natural to me. The last straw has come this weekend. On Friday he finally called an old "friend" of his that i feel very threatened by. The counsellor suggested he call her and basically for my benefit, explain that I am number one in his life, and that he is with me now (she is quite inappropriate with him, and seems to think they have a strong connection and if things were "different" they would be together). He made the phone call alright, but sat there and had a nice talk about her work, and his work, and life in general. DID NOT MENTION ME AT ALL. Got off the phone and wondered why I was upset. I got so angry, and said I feel like second best in his life. He said that he told her we were getting engaged. Funny, but I didn't hear that. Apparently she said "don't tell me you are getting married on me" and he said "no, not quite". According to him that means we are getting engaged. I was soooo angry. He left for work, which meant he was going to be away for Friday and Saturday nights. Friday night we speak in the evening, and I am really upset. Tried to explain to him how I was feeling, and how I was really worried about our relationship. I even got to the point where I was bawling my eyes out. We talked for maybe 20 minutes, and then he informs me he has made plans to go out for a drink. Here is me bawling my eyes out, and he couldn't care less. He would rather go for a drink. I said something along those lines. He promised it would be one beer, and then he would ring me back - max 1/2 an hour. I fall asleep on the couch and TWO HOURS LATER, I wake up and realised he hasn't rung. I call his mobile, which just rings and rings and he doesn't answer. Then he finally calls me back 20 minutes later and says he was in the shower. At 1.30am. We argue, and by 2am, I tell him there is nothing left to say. So we hang up. He sends me two texts on Saturday, the last one being at 7pm saying he was heading out. I hear NOTHING until Sunday 12pm. Not one word. Basically I feel like I am his LOWEST priority. He chooses his "friends" over me, he chooses BEER and going out over me. I don't understand why he didn't even try to CALL me on Saturday, when he was actually free from work from 5pm Sat till 1pm Sunday. So, I have made the absolutely most petrifying decision. To go away for a few days. I haven't told him yet. Will leave him a note. But staying doesn't seem to get anything through to him, and all my friends say this is the only way. He has to realise that he can and will lose me. But I am scared to do it. What if it back fires?? I LOVE him with all my heart, and don't want to lose this, but also can't go on living like this. I want to be someone's priority. I want to feel secure. And I'm not getting that right now. Am I doing the right thing??????? HELP P.S. Sorry this is so long

My boyfriend and I are having HUGE issues at the moment, and I guess it all boils down to his behaviour with other women and the problem I have with it. We have been together for 15 months, travelled together, and have now moved in together. Most of the time it is wonderful, but occasionally we have these big blow ups, mostly about his contact with the opposite sex. Here's a bit of a run down of our history: we got together when he still had a girlfriend; took him TWO months to break up with her (all the while seeing me) even though he was in love with me from the start; before he got with me he also cheated on his girlfriend with an aquintance of mine; he is a natural born flirt. After a few months together, we had a small disagreement because he went to see his ex (who lives three hours away). I don't have so much a problem with his seeing his ex, but the fact that instead of going OUT to dinner or a movie or whatever, he seems to think it is okay to go to her ROOM and watch a dvd on her bed. Anyway, we talked and argued about that, and the issue got put aside. However, not long after that, I was playing games on his mobile phone and had to snoop (I know, SO bad!). Actually, I wasnt planning to snoop, I was looking in the outbox to re-read some of the sweet texts he sent me. He used to always end them with "love you, love me" which I thought was SO sweet. Anyway, my curiosity got the better of me, and I looked at other texts he sent. Turns out he used "love you, love me" with SO MANY OTHER GIRLS! He also told them he missed them, and it turns out they wrote similar intimate things back. We had HUGE fights over it, and the issue spun out of control from there onwards. One particular girl that he also wrote that he loved and missed, came to visit the country we were living in, so he decided he wanted to go stay with her and spend the weekend together. THEY SLEPT IN THE SAME BED. He swears nothing happened, but how will I ever know if that is true? He says these girls are "just friends". He has "strong feelings" for them, but that it is friendship but nothing else. What a load of crap?!!!!!! So that was the next incident. A few months after that, I had the opportunity to snoop (you ALWAYS finding something you don't want to see!!!!!!) when he gave me his email password to look up something for him. I could not help myself but read just one email from one of the girls that he "loves". It was basically a love letter in where she stated that it was probably time that they "closed the door" on their relationship, and that she will always love him. I didn't realise they had a relationship to close?????????? It made me SO angry and hurt, so we had huge fights about that too. He still swore nothing was going on and that she is "just a friend". Now we have moved countries again, and he swears that he doesn't tell anyone he loves them anymore, and just loves me. He still swears they are all just friends (why always female????) and that he wouldn't do anything to risk ruining our relationship. Now, the last straw has come and I don't know if I can take anymore. Actually, it is just the straw that broke the camels back, because it isn't actually that huge a deal. He is away on a course for three weeks, and there are ONLY girls on this course (10 of them). I had a bit of a problem with that, but okay, thats life. Its not like he chose for that to happen. The other night, I couldn't reach him on his cell phone. After an hour, he finally texted me and informed me that he was having "a drink" with ONE of the colleagues. Hmmm. Then the next night, this same ONE colleague of the female persuasion was invited over to HIS room, where he cooked HER dinner. Grrrrrrrr. I think cooking someone dinner is something intimate, and that you shouldn't invite ANYONE back to your room!!!!!!!! Fine if you all go out to dinner or whatever, but why JUST ONE??????? I am so angry and confused, because it seems he just doesn't know what is appropriate behaviour in a relationship. He doesn't think anything of what he is doing is wrong. That they are "just friends" thereforeeee everything that he does is okay. Doesn't seem to matter that it hurts me. So my question is: am I being totally unreasonable here? Do other people have boyfriends (or girlfriends) that have lots of opposite sex friends and have these sorts of intimate relationships??? It is so horrible, because at the moment I am considering breaking up with him over this. It has gone on too long and it is driving me crazy and upsetting me so much. PLEASE HELP.

Well, I have written to this forum about my boyfriend and I before, but I will give a quick recap. We have been together for over one year, got together when he still had a girlfriend and it took him two months to break up with her (all the while seeing us both). Then we had some issues during the first 6-8 months, as he was texting/emailing other "friends" but not with what I find appropriate words. He would say things like "i love you", "i miss you" and do a LOT of flirting. Then he got an email from an old flame (he says nothing at all happened between them but he has "strong feelings" for her, and she was easy to talk to) basically saying she needed to close the door on their relationship and that she would always love him! I'm sorry, I thought we were together! He also spent the weekend with her during that period, swore nothing happened, but after reading that email I now have my doubts. He also gets texts from "friends" saying stuff like "i miss you and so which I had the chance to be with you!" I find it hard to believe that they would text that sort of thing if they got nothing back from him. I think he eggs it on. ANYWAY, I love him so decided to try and get over all this stuff. I don't trust him, but am working on trying to. He doesn't help with all his dodgy behaviour, but he swears that that has all stopped now, that he loves me, and that he has changed since he has met me. He doesn't need all that stuff anymore. However, I don't entirely believe him and am always wondering if he is doing stuff behind my back. NOT good. On top of that, we have just moved back to our home country together and are looking for career jobs, and basically to settle down. That is what I want to do. I have done my overseas travel and now want a life and some disposable income. HE however, is quite immature, scared of settling down and still dreams of roaming the world. So now I have said to him that i think he needs to think about whether he WANTS this life. A job, a home, a long term relationship, because he doesn't seem ready. I don't want to force him into it, and I don't want him to have any regrets. If you love them, set them free etc etc. But now he is actually considering it! Which makes me really sad. He agrees he is not sure if he is ready. He is giong to think about it, and make a decision - one that hugely affects me! Then he said to me, if he decides he is ready, and we do "settle down" I am going to have to trust him. But how do I do that???? How do I go from being suspicious, and actually FINDING dodgy stuff, to not worrying about it? Any ideas? And should I stay with this guy? Is this immature behaviour a sign that I should wait for someone who is ready? His family and friends think he should settle down to (he is now 30) but I don't think he cares about what they think. And he will basically lose everything if he choses to go back overseas. But I guess that his choice, right? Any comments?