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avman

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Everything posted by avman

  1. avman
    I agree with SwingFox here. I think this guy is playing you. He's nice to you when he wants something, then he disappears. It must be very hard for you to see this behavior. Especially since he was your first real love/lover. But I think it is unhealthy for you to continue to interact with this man. Love yourself enough to go on without him. You don't need him. You are a lovable person and deserve so much better. You can get through the hurt, but it will take time and a good strong support network. Here's a good test of his character. Will he agree to sign a repayment note for the loan(s) that you gave him? If he was a straight-up honest person he would. My guess is that he won't. But I'd push him on it anyway. Then if he doesn't repay (which I have every belief that he won't) you have a document that stands up in court. If he refuses to do this - this should be a strong signal to you what kind of person he is. Don't fall for the "baby trust me, of course I'll pay you back" line either. Go out with your friends. Buy something new that you look great in. Spoil yourself for awhile and stroke your own ego. And let us know how you are doing.
  2. avman
    I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. It seems like you have a pretty good handle on the traits that you have that have driven him away. That puts you in a much better position than many of the people who have been dumped for what seems to be no reason at all. Now that you know these things about yourself, its up to you to make those changes. Do it for yourself, not for your ex. It is possible he will see those changes in you and come back. But it is also possible it is too late to save the relationship. He hasn't seen those changes in you yet so how does he know you will follow through? If you make positive changes in yourself you will be more likely to succeed in your next relationship. You obviously have many great qualities that will be attractive to others. I wish you luck!
  3. avman
    It is probably just your body getting use to the hormones. However - if it continues or the pain just gets really bad go to the doctor immediately. You may need a lower dose pill if your body just cannot tolerate the hormone level.
  4. avman
    I am so glad things turned out great for you! It gives me so much hope that someday I'll be reunited with the daughter I have never known. The circumstances are complex and maybe someday I'll be ready to share, but suffice it to say there hasn't been a day thats gone by in the past 2 years that I have not thought about her. I hope that she is in a wonderful home like you had with people who love her and spoil her rotten. I even have presents that I am saving for her when I can finally find her again. Only 16 years and 32 more days to go. Thanks again for your story. I feel better.
  5. avman
    I understand you must be very scared right now and so is your ex. Nobody thinks it will happen to them. But sometimes it does. First I would tell someone you trust. Hopefully that is your parents, but if you are not ready to tell them yet then find your best friend, or a teacher or counselor, or a pastor. They can help you by being your support. You will need it. They can also help you with the step of telling your parents. Next you need to see a doctor. Both for your health and for your baby's health. Do not put this off. It is so very important. There are also national centers such as Planned Parenthood which can provide you counseling and let you know your options. There are many people with very strong beliefs on this. I know I have mine - but you haven't asked and I wouldn't force it on you. But you must make this decision. And finally, take a deep breath. It is going to be alright. Yes things will be rough but you will make it through. Let us know what we can do for you.
  6. avman
    From your posting I think you might be coming on a bit strong to her. After all, she just met you and she probably has other things going on in her life. She probably didn't turn her phone off to avoid you, she just had other things to do. But your overreacting to that may have her wondering just what is going on. Slow down. Take it easy. Let things happen naturally and see where this leads to.
  7. avman
    I agree with whats been said. But I also have to throw in another wrinkle. The relationship has to overcome the biases of others. Some will not take the relationship seriously and will be angry. And that can be very hard on the relationship. If both of you stick together and really don't care what others think you'll be ok. As time goes by it will be less of a big deal. Good luck to you both!
  8. avman
    He is right that if you start a relationship with lies thats all you will ever have. It will not work out. I commend him for asking you to let him make his decision first BEFORE jumping into a relationship with you. Hopefully you love him enough to respect his wishes. You obviously know you can manipulate his decision if you choose to. But let him make his own decision. Then you will know he really wants you, and he will be comfortable with the fact the decision was his.
  9. avman
    Don't you just hate it when they say "Its not you, its me". Then you can't do anything except watch it happen. I have learned that if you push too hard in this situation you will drive the person away. Getting clingy and hitting them with "but baby I love you so much" doesn't work at all. Just be the great guy that you are. Let her see that and she'll have to decide if she's ready for you or not. Tell her that you are there for her and you are willing to talk about it when she is ready but tell her you won't push her. Tell her you just want her to be happy (cause you do - right?).
  10. avman
    As many people will tell you, the first year of marriage is one of the hardest. You are not alone in having difficulties with communication. Your husband also uncovered a few skeletons in your closet (and I would bet that he has some in his too) and that has him questioning his trust for you. He is no doubt very hurt by finding out you slept with your ex. And it is obvious he does not know how to react. He doesn't know how he feels, so when you keep telling him you need communication he sees that as a demand that he cannot comply with. He is sorting things out and you have to accept a little of that. Tell him you love him, that you want this to work, that you will get through this together, and that you regret what happened. It looks like you are also discovering the key success factor in marriage - it takes both of you. You alone CANNOT fix the problems in your marriage. It takes both of you. For you to say that YOU are failing is not correct. So don't be so hard on yourself. You can only do your part. He must do his part. And he doesn't realize how he is contributing to the problems. So, after all that you are saying "Ok, so now what?". Keep trying to get him to go to a counselor. Or - if that doesn't work - try a marriage workshop with a bunch of other couples. That may be less threatening to him. Tell him the two of you need to fix the "marriage" problems. Its not his problem or your problem, its the marriage's problem. Maybe then he will agree. I do suggest that you go to counseling yourself just to prevent your self-esteem from getting flattened by his attitude. I can hear the "I'm worthless" feelings coming from you and you must resist those feelings. Its amazing how if someone tells you something often enough you start to believe it! Hope this helps.
  11. avman
    The key phrase for me here is: I was feeling up and down regarding being appreciated and loved and emotionally close, but thought that things would improve once we get married You thought your guy would change once you married. It doesn't work that way. You have to either accept someone for who they are, or look elsewhere. They will only change if they want to. You are also longing for what you had before and I can understand that. However that person wanted you to change into something you are not. And I'm afraid thats no better. You left that relationship for a good reason. I think you need some time outside these relationships to love yourself. Go back to that career and that will build you up. Your husband has been tearing you down and you need to heal from that. Once you have built yourself back up again then you can start pursuing a relationship again with someone who loves you for who you are - and that you love them the same way (and not for what you think you can turn them into). Good luck to you. And I wish you peace.
  12. avman
    Well the fact that you are under 18 is a problem. In most states it would be illegal for him to have any sort of physical contact with you whether you consent to it or not. Even the wrong sort of kiss/hug could get him into trouble. So my guess is that he would not pursue a relationship with you due to your age. He might even start distancing himself from you if you made a move on him now. Once you are 18, then the two of you would have to decide if the age difference is a problem. If one of you feels that it is - then it is. If both of you can get past the biases of others, and the difficulty in finding things in common with each other then go for it. Age difference is less of a problem as you get older.
  13. avman
    Be careful about driving yourself crazy reading too much into his comments. Yes he could be talking about a long term relationship with you. On the other hand he could just be making pleasant conversation. And as for the word 'we' does he say "We should go to the movies" or does he say "We should get married"? Same word, really different context. I think you are on the right track taking it slow and seeing how things are going. Enjoy your time together and don't be too hung up on analyzing his every word.
  14. avman
    Marriage counseling is different with every counselor. You have to find one that both of you can communicate with. A good counselor will work with both of you to help you talk - they will not judge one side or the other as "in the right" unless it is such obvious behavior that they have no choice (such as abuse). Some people find religious counseling does work, others don't. How do you know it is working - you asked. Well generally that is a feeling you will get inside. You either start to feel better about things, or you don't. You asked how long that takes. No legitimate counselor will guarantee results in x weeks. It depends on your situation. But it generally takes a period of months - no less. As long as you continue to see improvement it is working. I hope this helps.
  15. avman
    As someone who also has seen their share of problems I can tell you that it is possible to reconcile. We did, after filing, separating, hating each other, nasty lawyer battles, etc. But it isn't easy and I'll be perfectly honest and say now that I look back maybe it wasn't the right thing to do. You are usually allowed to put the divorce proceedings on hold if you would like to attempt to reconcile. Most courts are happy to put things on the back burner for up to one year while you attempt this. If things don't work out you won't have to start all over with the divorce, you can generally pick up where you left off. But both of you will have a tough time truly knowing whether you should reconcile with that time pressure of October hanging over your heads. Do NOT rush your decision. Work through this with a good counselor. Both together and by yourself. It will take time. And I wish both of you the best of luck and that you find happiness!
  16. avman
    It is certainly possible the baby is yours. Timing of intercourse matters very little. They've just released research that says a woman can release multiple eggs at different times of the month so all of that rhythm method contraception stuff goes right out the window. You can force a DNA test after the baby is born (the baby takes the test, not her). Before the baby is born you cannot do much except be ready. Go see a lawyer and get some good advice. Thats the most important thing - have a good advocate fighting for your rights. Don't take her word for anything. You'll know whether she is telling the truth about being pregnant in a few months In the meantime, be good to yourself. I will pray for you and ask for some peace to come into your life. Keep us informed, and never give up hope!
  17. avman
    I second everything SwingFox just said! If you believe it, it will happen. Employers love someone who is confident, enthusiastic, and eager to get going. I'm off to church right now and will make sure to put in a request to the big guy.
  18. avman
    Hi there. Wow thats a raw deal. But I agree with the other posters in one respect - you are better off without her! Now that leaves one other major question - what about the baby? If it is yours do you want a relationship with this child? Would you be willing to raise him or her if it is yours? These are some things to think long and hard about. If she marries this guy before the baby is born then he is called the 'presumed father' of the baby. That means you have NO rights in most states (some states are different). If this baby is yours and you are willing and able you might want to fight for custody. I think you should seek the advise of a paternity attorney ASAP. Even if you don't want the baby, she may decide to hit you for some child support (whether the baby is REALLY yours or not).
  19. avman
    She could be depressed. That is extremely common with families of cancer patients and survivors. Maybe her seeing an M.D. would help? And seeing a counselor sounds like an excellent idea as well. What about your two getting away for a super romantic weekend to rekindle some of those sparks? Go somewhere she really wants to go. Lavish her with attention. Laugh a lot together. You two have both been through a really rough time and you deserve some fun!!!
  20. avman
    Its not going to be easy. He's the daddy and it will be better for your child if he is involved. So you won't be able to avoid him completely. Getting angry and disappearing won't help you or your child and probably will get him thinking about how to get out of paying you child support. What you need is a really good support group. Your parents are a really good start. How about your friends? Spend a lot of time with them if you can. If you can hook up with other single moms that will help also. Your county child support office might be able to help you there. Many of them are probably in a similar situation and you can all help each other with babysitting, parenting ideas, and having a good b*tch session about your ex.
  21. avman
    I dont think you need a psychiatrist at all. What you need is a support system since the feelings you have are totally to be expected under the circumstances. This board is one place you can turn. Can you get in touch with the other wives/girlfriends/families of the other men in your fiancee's unit? They will all be having similar feelings and fears and could be a great help to you. All of you could share information as it comes in from different people in the unit. I know you're scared, but make some plans for how you will greet him when he returns home. Send out lots of positive energy to your guy, he will need it. Keep thinking about your future together (which you can control) instead of what might be happening over there (which you cannot control). Hope this helps!!
  22. avman
    Please before you do anything go to these two places and have a look. link removed link removed They helped me think clearly when I felt the same way. I won't try to turn this into a 'session' but everybody reaches their breaking point at one time or another. You are not alone.
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