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avman

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Everything posted by avman

  1. avman
    Is this infidelity? Well no, I don't think so. But its certainly lying which is a bad sign. I don't know why he would lie to you if the conversation was as innocent as he claimed. Maybe he just didn't want to upset you. But I think it seems pretty suspicious. I think its fair for you to give him the "if you ever do this again" speech. Tell him how critical honesty is to you given your previous relationship. Hopefully he'll shape up.
  2. avman
    The one year anniversary of my fathers death was the most painful day for me. The strange thing is, once I got through that day it started to get better. The entire year before that had been a blur. So I guess that was just what I needed to do was mourn for that year. You are going through this. And it will be ok. Its going to hurt, I won't kid you. But you will make it through. Remember that your mom is watching you and is proud of you. Go out and talk to her wherever you feel closest to her. Tell her how much you love her and miss her. Catch her up on everything thats happening in your life. Ask her how she's doing. Remember all the times you had together. But do not have any regrets - you cannot change the past. Just remember it. Crying is ok. Even hard crying is ok. Its just your body letting loose the tension and stress. If you have to call in sick, then call in sick. People will understand. Pick a trusted friend and just pour it out. Tell them you don't expect them to make it better or to solve anything, just that you want them to listen. I hope this helps. PM me if I can help you in any way.
  3. avman
    Well, thats kind of the point of this test. I wouldn't want to tell you how to cheat on this test. Maybe he could admit he has a problem prior to taking the test and work out a deal with the school officials. Perhaps they would agree to him entering a treatment program instead of kicking him out if he comes clean with them first.
  4. avman
    I am sorry to hear you are feeling so low. Unfortunately it is all too common in situations like this. The other woman is left waiting in the wings while the married man continues about his life. You are strong to be moving on. I think it would be best to cut contact with this person. You need to be free from the constant reminders of the situation and start looking for love from someone who is free to give it to you. With time, it will get better. But you'll have some really rough days ahead. Keep talking it out, there are great people here on this board. Get out of the house, go out with friends, do some volunteer work and give some time to others that need it (its very fulfilling )
  5. avman
    I think a talk with him would be best. It seems there is a lot of confusion with both of you on the state of your relationship so I hate to speculate. He may be willing to 'cheat' with you since you two have a long history together where he wouldn't cheat with somebody he has just met. That doesn't make it right, but I'm trying to rationalize what he might be thinking.
  6. avman
    Well, not knowing if you are male or female (and maybe that doesn't even make a difference) is it possible that friend A thinks of you as more than a friend? If not, then it seems like just a case of jealousy. Explain to him that his friendship is equally as important as friend B. You don't distinguish between the two and never will. Reassure him that you wouldn't slight him even if friend B asked him to. Hopefully that will make a difference. If there is more to A's feelings than just friendship, well then thats much more complicated. I hate to get into that issue without more information.
  7. avman
    I am a bit confused by your post. The title threw me off as I was expecting you to ask about whether or not you should reconcile. Instead it looks like you are asking for help in understanding your ex's behavior. You mention you have no expectations of reconciliation, but is that really true? I'm not sure if you want him back, or not. If you do then maybe he picked up on that during your get together. You two had a long history together and perhaps he felt as though he was picking up where you left off. I don't know the situation with his current relationship (is it exclusive? is it serious?). But it seems he is certainly carrying a torch for you and would likely return to the relationship if you wanted it. I'm not going to judge either of you. Ok, so things got a little interesting the other night but you both came to your senses. I think the two of you should have a little talk and see what the status of your relationship really is. If you decide to reconcile then its up to him to break the news to his current girlfriend.
  8. avman
    You might want to take your mom to a doctor. If her depression is a chronic as you are saying she may need some medication and counseling in order to make it better. For some people, depression isn't just a phase they can pull themselves out of. Its a real medical illness that requires treatment to get better. I'd recommend you make an appointment and go together to see what they say.
  9. avman
    You're right - it is wrong that it happens. Although what you are describing is discrimination based on sex - not race. Two people equally qualified for the same job and performing at the same level deserve the same pay - period.
  10. avman
    Let her be. I know you want to help her and hate to see her go down this path, but it is unlikely she will listen to you. You mentioned the main reason for the break up was that she wanted to experience life without anyone to answer to and thats exactly what she is doing. Let her know you are there for her, but I suspect she will need to learn life's hard lessons for herself.
  11. avman
    An interesting question. My definition of marriage is a vow that two people take to be devoted to each other no matter what. Now, your second question has me torn between my religious side and my less religious side. My religious side tells me that 'till death do us part' and 'what God has joined let no one part'. So that means yes, you stick to your partner no matter what happens and regardless of what they do. Luckily you excluded physical abuse (and I add sexual abuse to that) as I don't believe God is so unreasonable he would expect someone to tolerate that. My less religious side says that if a person has really tried to stick with their partner, tried to work through the issues, gone to counseling, given them second chances (or third, or fourth). And even after all that, their partner still treats them badly or ignores their vows then yes I think its time to get out. But I think thats a last resort and not to be used for just being disappointed, or deciding you're not in love or have found somebody better (this addresses your question about selfishness). What would I give up for my partner? Well I suppose it would be easier to say what I would not give up: My religion My ethics/morals My children My identity I think most other things would be open for discussion. Compromise is essential for a marriage to succeed. I think its selfishness and unwavering positions that cause many marriages to fail.
  12. avman
    Same deal here. Its just not much fun for me to go places alone. I'd rather be with someone. I think its just something extroverts need.
  13. avman

    cheating

    avman replied to enadevoli's topic in Infidelity

    I can see we aren't going to agree on this topic, and thats totally fine. But let me throw a wrinkle in this. What if you found out your partner cheated on the relationship BEFORE yours. They haven't cheated on you. Do you break up with them now?
  14. avman

    cheating

    avman replied to enadevoli's topic in Infidelity

    LonelyGirl, I agree with you. In this situation a second chance is not warranted. I was talking about those partners who are truly repentant. I am sorry for what you are going through and I hope it all works out for the best.
  15. avman
    Your question "do you dump a guy just believe he doesn't want or believe in marriage". Well if thats important to you, then I think the answer is Yes. You have some very valid reasons that marriage is important to you. Playing house isn't enough for you. If you feel that you'll be settling for something that won't meet your needs, eventually you will become resentful to him for not marrying you. Its a recipe for disaster later on. Its ok for you to say that you love this guy, but his goals and future just doesn't line up with yours.
  16. avman
    I think a world where nobody trusts each other would be a very sad place. Wars start that way. Lawsuits start that way. Enemies are made and kept. And nobody is willing to take that first step to go out and take a chance. Yes, by trusting we will get burned. That is inevitable. But I think it is the price to be paid for being a better person. Being bitter and distrustful is like a cancer that eats away at you from the inside. You never allow anyone to get close so you don't get hurt - yet you also never get to experience the richness and love you can experience by opening up and trusting people. I vote for trusting until given a reason not to.
  17. avman

    cheating

    avman replied to enadevoli's topic in Infidelity

    I must take exception to this. It is unfair to lump everybody into this category. There are people who prefer to take the high road and see that their partner is capable of better. These people are not doormats, they just love their partner enough to try and see it through. Now if their partner cheats over and over again and they take them back - thats being a doormat. Tell me you have never done something so brain-dead and stupid that you weren't horribly embarrassed by it later. I know I have. When looking back you think to yourself "That was the dumbest thing I have ever done. I can't believe I hurt so-and-so like that". And then you'll do anything to make up for it. Would you hope that your partner would be willing to give you a second chance? I sure would.
  18. avman

    cheating

    avman replied to enadevoli's topic in Infidelity

    I think that depends on the situation. I feel everybody makes mistakes. But not everybody learns from them. If a person makes a mistake (say cheating), learns from it, apologizes, accepts what they have done is wrong, and grows because of it then yes I believe they deserve a second chance. Now if they cheat again - then they have proven they aren't trustworthy and didn't learn. Some people are simply unapologetic though. Or they deny what they did is wrong (like Bill Clinton's definition of sex). Or are so selfish they rationalize cheating by saying they were 'driven to it' or they 'couldn't help themselves'. Those folks are beyond help because they will simply repeat their behavior. They do not deserve a second chance.
  19. avman
    Well, I think you are in quite a bind. I can understand you love your fiancee, but she needs to accept the situation and realize that you are a father. It doesn't sound like that is the case, and she sees the 'father' part as a big annoyance to her and her plans. You seem like a good father and your priorities are straight. Do not let a woman come between you and your children - plain and simple. Your children need their father and you only get one chance at this. Once they are grown up you cannot go back. That time is gone. Your fiancee needs to understand that kids don't really follow adult schedules very well. Things change, emergencies happen, they need us when its not convenient for us. Thats just the way it goes and its what we signed up for as parents. For her to overreact this way is very troubling and you probably want to take a long hard look at this person. She may be the right person at the wrong time. Have some serious talks with her and lay out your concerns. If she won't listen or continues to ignore you then I think you have the answers you need.
  20. avman

    Hurt

    avman replied to Gilgamesh's topic in Dating Advice

    I am sorry it didn't work out like you had hoped. But as you said, at least you found out sooner rather than later. Its interesting how someone can change their mind, yet blame everyone else for their own decision. Its too bad she cheapened the experience, but as you well know thats just to make herself feel better. You can take some comfort in taking the high road here and that you didn't go all the way out there just to 'get some'. In your heart you know the truth and take at least some comfort in that. You have helped a lot of people on this board and from that I can tell you are a good man. Keep looking, the right person is out there for you and won't make you feel used.
  21. avman
    I disagree with what you are saying and add my vote to the others. I think dealing with her dad directly is the best bet. As long as you explain to him what you are doing and that it is a gift in appreciation of how they treated you when you were seeing their daughter its fine. Do not worry about what she will think. A true gift is a gift with no strings attached. Just present it to her father that way and wish him the best. Dont ask how she is doing, don't promise continued contact, just focus on him. It will leave you with a good feeling. And I agree with Gilgamesh, ask him not to tell his daughter. He will anyway, but it shows you are not using him to get her back.
  22. avman
    Eloquently said by The Morrigan. You had these suspicions about him already. And as I stated before, he's not sober after just 3 weeks. I have heard that alcohol amplifies traits that we already have. So a person with abusive tendencies may be able to control them when sober, but still is an abusive person. This sounds like your ex. He's still controlling and abusive even when not drinking. You can move on. You are already well down that path. You don't really want to see him anymore. He just keeps playing the sympathy card on you to guilt you into it. I think cutting off contact is the best thing for you now. Wish him well, and tell him not to call anymore. Then you will not be subject to the guilt trip.
  23. avman
    Some kids just don't want a pacifier. If she's doing fine without it, then don't worry about it. Then won't have to worry about coming back here in 2 years saying "My daughter won't give up her pacifier. Somebody please help me convince her to get rid of it." Stick with the teething toys. Its healthier than constantly sucking on the pacifier.
  24. avman
    Many things cause pupil dilation. Low light conditions for one. Certain medications for another. She may have just returned from the eye doctor, they commonly dilate your pupils to check for disease. Unfortunately another thing that can dilate your pupils are recreational drugs. Cocaine, speed, weed will all dilate the pupils. Heroin withdrawal causes it also.
  25. avman
    What he is doing is abuse. It is also rape from the time you tell him to stop. It does not matter that you consented up to that point. You deserve better than that. If he loved you, he wouldn't threaten you. Get away from him immediately. For your own safety.
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