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avman

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Everything posted by avman

  1. avman
    How about asking for their help in discouraging her from her crush with you. Tell them it makes you uncomfortable and would like their advice. Tell them that you'd hate to tell her you don't want her around but that is what you are going to do if it doesn't stop. Maybe by coming forward and directly saying you aren't interested in her - rather than trying to prove your innocence later may help. Not knowing this family, I guess I don't know how they would react. But hopefully they would see that you recognize the problem and you want it resolved. Does this help?
  2. avman
    Well, eventually she will go on and find someone else. You'll have to give it time. You already know that this is impossible - so thats a good thing. Take sensible precautions - don't be alone with her, no touching, no flirting, etc. Stay in sight of others so that nobody could ever accuse you of anything. Sometimes once rumors get started they are hard to stop. Eventually she will get over it. But if she just won't get the message you may have to tell her not to come around anymore. Its sad, but in the paranoid world of today you can't be too careful.
  3. avman
    I've had good luck with Celexa after some pretty bad luck with Paxil. The first month or so wasn't much fun as there were a lot of side effects to work through. But once my body got used to it I did feel different. Depression will not just "go away" because of the medication. All the medication does is take the edge off and let you focus on beating the depression with counseling, time, healing, etc. It stops the darkness from overcoming you. For awhile I felt emotionless but I think that was caused by the depression more so than the medication. Its just that once the sadness lifted I noticed the numbness more
  4. avman
    Just realize its going to take them some time to get used to the idea. I would guess they will not be very receptive when they first hear the news. You've got a pretty large age gap and you are still young. If you were 30 and he was 48 nobody would care. Just take it slow and reassure your parents and hopefully things will work out ok.
  5. avman
    Well, I don't know how close you are to your parents. Do you typically tell them everything about the guys you are dating? If you are just getting ready to date this man I don't know that your parents have to know the details unless things get more serious. Naturally your parents are going to be concerned because they don't want you to get hurt. Once you know this person better and if things continue on - then its probably time to bring it up with your parents. They may be upset at first, but hopefully over time they will get to know him and judge him on his merits instead of on his age.
  6. avman
    Well, like I mentioned how you feel is going to have to take the backseat right now. You aren't going to be able to resolve these problems during the pregnancy so don't even try. I know that sucks and its not what you wanted to hear but I just don't think she's going to be receptive to that during this time. Go to her, tell her that you love her and that you are excited about the baby. Tell her the two of you can deal with these problems once the baby is born but for right now you'd like to declare a truce. Then be a loving, supportive husband. You WILL notice a change in her (but there are still going to be outbursts, crying, etc). Focus on what you have in common right now - you are both having this baby. Get into it. Go pick out baby stuff with your wife. Go to the doctors appointments and especially the ultrasound (its very cool). Come up with some suggestions for the nursery (your wife still gets to make all the decisions but she will be happy you are involved). When I was in your position I put together the most fabulous nursery you ever saw. Wallpaper (3 types), new trim, new window treatments, the works. When I was pissed I'd go in there and start up with power tools. She was happy because I was 'helping' and I was able to work out my frustrations by smashing nails into the walls.
  7. avman
    Yes the love life can disappear immediately once the pregnancy starts. She just wont feel like it. Then after 3 or 4 months when she isn't so sick and things have stabilized all those hormones will really work in your favor. It will be great - ending with a sudden crash at about 7 months when you won't be allowed to touch her at all. *sigh* Don't overanalyze right now. She's not herself. Wait until the baby is born and things calm down. If there are still problems then you can start working on things. But to be honest you'll both be so tired the only thing on your mind will be sleep! Good look and congrats! It really is worth it.
  8. avman
    Whoa, hang on there. I think you are correct in saying since your wife has become pregnant she seems like a different person. She is a different person. All those hormones, aches, pains, and such running through her body can REALLY change things. After having been through this 3 times I can safely tell you that it does get better once the pregnancy is over. But for now, you are going to have to take a backseat and take care of her for awhile. I know it doesn't seem fair, but thats just the way it goes. Is she in the first trimester? If so, then yes the love life will be dead for awhile. Then it comes back with a vengenance in the second trimester. Then in the third trimester it goes away until 6 weeks after the baby is born. She may say horrible things to you. Smile and tell her that you love her - she doesn't really mean those things and can't help herself. She will cry for no reason at all (like the leaves are falling on the sidewalk all wrong). Just hold her and tell her its going to be ok and you'll take care of all those leaves. And hang in there my rookie soon to be father. It does get better. I will have a beer for you and be thankful it isn't me going through it this time.
  9. avman
    With all due respect I think that advice is ridiculous. You wouldn't be able to keep up being a totally different person and your wife would wonder what the hell you are doing. Very often the marriage problems have nothing to do with sex and lie much deeper. Marriage counseling tries to get you both to understand more about each other and to explain what is working and what isn't in the relationship. Then both of you come up with a plan on how to go about making things better. It only works if you both are committed to the marriage. And usually thats one of the first things a good counselor will do - is find out whether the marriage is salvageable. Maybe it has nothing to do with you. Maybe she is having a completely irrational crisis or perhaps reliving some past trauma in her life and its making her life come apart. Ask her to try the counseling. If it fails, most good counselors will also help the couple work out an amicable divorce or separation. That saves the couple and especially the children a lot of pain instead of going through a bitter adversarial divorce.
  10. avman
    I think its a great idea that she stay with you for awhile. Maybe your mom or her mom can help you with the money to go see her and bring her back with you. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
  11. avman
    Let me make this perfectly clear - threatening your wife or her boyfriend in any way will not help you. In fact it is the kiss of death as far as custody is concerned. You need to be on your best behavior. I don't care how angry you get, do not raise your voice, raise your hand, touch your wife, or threaten anything. You already have a history of possibly losing your temper and that is going to count against you. I know you are upset, but let it out somewhere else. Go to the gym and hit a heavy bag. But you are going to have to suck it up in front of the wife. If she knows she can't upset you she'll eventually drop it. Otherwise she'll keep pressing your buttons until you blow your stack.
  12. avman
    OK my friend, hang in there. I can tell you are in a bad way and things are pouring out of you. Thats a good sign, let all the feelings and emotions come. Let me say that I don't think getting back together is the best things in this case. I know you want to - but she doesn't. Its going to take awhile for you to accept this, but its over. Its time to take care of you. Your wife is no longer your responsibility. You cannot change her. You cannot make her feel the way you want her to feel. Let her take care of herself now. Please go to a counselor. This is important for your own health. You need to be at 100% for your kids and to weather the storms ahead. The counselor can help guide you on your path to healing. Focus on your kids. You know you are a good father, so don't let your wife convince you any different. I know you still have feelings for her and so she can say things that hurt you. But just because she says something doesn't make it true. Keep your attorney informed and tell them everything - hide nothing. Just love your kids, spend as much time as possible with them, do everything together. Try to work out custody in a civil manner with your wife so that everyone doesn't get drawn into a bitter custody battle. Everybody loses in that case. And God be with you.
  13. avman
    I'm so very sorry to hear that this happened. I would recommend you get out there and be by her side right now. She's going to need your support and understanding more now than ever. She's in for a long road of recovery and so are you. You're going to have to be the strong one for awhile. Both of you need some help with this as you've already discovered. A rape crisis counselor is a great idea. Also she should go to the police so that they have a chance of catching this person. I know it may be difficult for her but its important this guy doesn't do this to someone else. Thats why I think you need to be there for awhile. She has some very difficult things she needs to do and she needs you.
  14. avman
    If its ok with both of you then its ok. You sound pretty concerned what people will think about it - so that might be the major problem. As long as both people are comfortable with the age difference, treat each other well, and don't really care what others might think its fine.
  15. avman
    I'm very sorry to hear about the situation you are in. I wish your boyfriend would be a man and stand up and support you in this situation - but that may not happen. You need to take care of yourself right now. Get the medical care that you need first of all. And also check out some counseling for yourself so that you have a clear understanding of your options. There are plenty of places available with low or no cost medical help and counseling. Call up your friends and tell them you need them. Your real friends will be there for you. And hang in there. We're here for you as well and many people on here will be able to offer suggestions as you go through this.
  16. avman
    Many lawyers will let her have a discussion with them for the first hour or so at no charge. It might be worth her while to check out a few and see what they recommend. They may be able to adjust their fees to match her financial situation or recommend places she can turn to for help. Some lawyers do a certain amount of pro-bono work and might be willing to lend her a hand.
  17. avman
    Well you've said she is your ex. This sounds to me like she is trying (very nicely) to put a little distance between the two of you. I think she still wants to be friends, but not more. So if you are going down there just to hang out, chat, have some fun, etc then by all means go. But if you are going down there to try and restart the relationship or you are hoping for more then I'd advise skipping the trip. It doesn't sound like thats what she wants.
  18. avman
    Well if you aren't sure you want him to like you in that way I guess you should wait for him to make the first move. Then you'll know for sure. Its likely that if you don't do anything to return those feelings he will probably move on to someone else. Now if you DO like him, then thats different. Then you might want to talk to him about it and see where your feelings lead you.
  19. avman
    Well your friend could try to arrange an independent adoption of this child. Both of the baby's parents must agree to this, but if they do then the child will legally be hers. Your friend should contact a family law attorney for advice on this. Social services is not the way to go - anything can happen and you are correct they will likely seize the child immediately. Your friend could petition them to be the foster parent but there are no guarantees.
  20. avman
    I don't think anybody here is going to say you shouldn't like her. You are right, we like who we like and its not always the best situation or something we have control over. Its totally fine to get to be friends with this girl. As long as you don't set your hopes at the point that you must have her. Just get to know her on a friendly level. Maybe once the two of you get talking she might find she is interested in you. Or you might find out you aren't interested in her. Let things happen naturally. On another note, the person you really need to like is yourself. Without having that you will have a tough time getting someone else to like you too. If you hate yourself, you will work around giving off that vibe and other people pick up on it. If on the other hand you walk around feeling that you are a good person other people will sense that and want to know you. Good people have lousy things happen to them all the time. They get mad, sad, depressed, tired, etc. But they are still good people. The only person that can take that away from them is themselves.
  21. avman
    I guess the answer is - it depends. If the girl is really close to her family and they hate her boyfriend - yes I think that will really hurt the relationship. She would probably value their opinion and would be hesitant to ruin her closeness over a guy. If the girl isn't that close to her family anyway, then it probably won't matter. But him having become physically violent is a really bad sign so hopefully she is keeping her eyes open.
  22. avman
    It sounds like your friend can't take a hint. Unfortunately that really only leaves you one option - the direct route. Sit down with your friend and have the difficult conversation you have been needing to. Tell her she needs to call you before coming over as you simply can't drop everything when she decides its time to come by. Also tell her you can really only handle a 2 hour visit (or however much time is comfortable for you) and just explain why. If your friend is as lovely as you say she is then she should understand and appreciate your honesty.
  23. avman
    While I'm not a lawyer, I have a little experience in this area. Here is what they would have to prove: That you wrote the comments That it is obvious to the layman that the comments are about them That the comments are false (this is key, you can't sue someone for telling the truth) That the comments are statements of facts and not opinions (its ok to call someone an idiot because that is an opinion, its not ok to call them a rapist if in fact they are not because you are passing it off as a fact) That they were actually damaged by the comments and can prove it (lost a job, got a divorce, had to seek medical treatment, etc) They are incredibly hard cases to prove so hardly anybody pursues them. Even if they do sue you can get it dismissed if they fail to make a good case for ALL the items listed above. Don't lose any sleep over it. But I defer to faeriechyld for her expert opinions from the law firm.
  24. avman
    I'll probably get flamed for this but I feel the father has a right to know. Ultimately it would be best if the decision could be made jointly between the father and the mother. I don't think it is right for the father to be completely left out. After all, he would be held responsible if the child were born. A friend of mine did not find out for years that one of his old girlfriends had an abortion. It still bothers him years later and he told me he feels responsible for the death of a child (his words, not mine).
  25. avman
    When I lost my father to cancer it took over a year before I didn't have breakdowns. I thought of him every day during that time and kept going over and over how much I missed him and that I wished he were there to talk to. He was my hero. Now 3 years later, I don't think of him every day. And I don't break down anymore. But I still miss him. And I can talk about missing him without falling apart. I can laugh at all the good times we had. And I talk to him sometimes and I swear he can hear me. I have come to peace with his passing and am able to share his life with my children. One of whom never had the chance to even meet him. You may not think what you experienced is normal, but it is. Emotions must be released when they build up. Your body is just adjusting itself so that no damage is done. It is perfectly ok to have this happen from time to time. And sharing this experience with us will also help you with your healing. PM me if you need to talk more and perhaps I can help. Call your friends who are close to you and have a cry with them. In the end, you will feel better. Hang in there.
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