symphony1125

I keep getting all of these mixed signals though... When we went to the therapist yesterday, I admitted all of my faults to this stranger and never once pointed the finger at my wife for any of our problems. At first she seemed kind of distant to the counselor but by the end of it, the counselor did ask her if this was something that she was willing to work on, and she did nod yes... even when we went to go pick up the kids from the babysitter (a friend of both of ours), my wife seemed playfull with me... until we got home... her attitude then changed again and she once again became distant. Another mixed signal was when I asked if she wanted to go to the grocery store with me and the kids and she replied "I don't really feel like going anywhere" so I got my son ready, and before I went to head out of the door, she made a gesture that she wanted a kiss, and we did... but now her attitude has changed again. When I asked for a kiss last night she responded with a unenthused "sure..." Seriously, I'm doing everything this week so she can relax for once (taking care of the kids, laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc.), and I'm feeling a bit used by it... almost like she's feeding off of it. Take for instance tonight... instead of taking the counselors advice and having time to ourselves when the kids go to bed, she's going out with her cousin. Now I normally do not have any problems with her going out at all, but I'm just REALLY uncomfortable that her cousin is the only one who seems to think that we should get a divorce, and I'm pretty sure that she encourages her to do so as well. Why my wife chooses to surround herself by negativity... I don't know. However, if I hadn't said it before... I've realized that when I thought that I wanted a divorce before, I now know that I was wrong, because it's nothing more than an easy, cowards way out. A way to run away from a problem which will never get dealt with if I so choose to run away....

Yeah... our first appointment is tomorrow... I'm a bit nervous about how receptive she'll actually be. Wish me luck!

I called Military OneSource this morning when I went into work to fill out my leave paperwork (I've decided to take the week off), and they hooked me up with a proffessional marriage counselor that's only a mile away from me... I didn't even know that there was a facility that close... so goodness there. Now if I can just get my wife to smile, that'd be great.

Thanks so much! I'm going straight down to the base hospital tomorrow morning to see if they can hook us up with a marriage and/or personal counselors... I was seeing a shrink for awhile through life skills but I stopped going when I got REALLY depressed... stupid move, and my depression and constant hopelessness hurt us even more... it stopped me from doing what I needed to do (and what I was asked/said I would do) and it hurt both my wife and I. During my depression, I got cold because I sat on the couch and thought "Why should I act any better... I'm breaking down because of everything and my wife won't even help me". I know now that when it comes to that, that I should've been a man and never have neglected my responsibilities as a husband or a father. So now even when I feel like my wife isn't helping me through, I'll never again neglect her or my children. I just want her to believe me... when I left the first time, I was so torn over my wife because I still loved her, and I was still in love with her... I was so sick with grief that I threw away all of the books that I had bought to help us and some other things... I couldn't look at any of it... the memories that we made were awesome, and every picture, everysong, even things that nobody would even think of (ie. a picture of two people getting married at the jewelry store at the mall) would tear me apart, and I know now that becoming distant and protecting myself by telling her that I wasn't in love with her and that I wanted to move on was nothing more but a big... huge... mistake. It's not what I really wanted, but at the time, I thought that it was the only solution... The truth is, is that it was the easy solution, and the long term effects of that decision would be nothing more than sorrow. It was the easy way out, and also, I know now (hindsight is afterall 20/20) that the easy way out was also the wrong way out... it was the cowards way out to something that can be fixed. After realizing this, I came back home, but my like I stated in the above, my depression took ahold of me and consumed me entirely... it's turned me into someone that I'm not, and I'd rather not be that person anymore. All I need is just a little good faith.

That's a very good point... I never saw it that way before, so let me extend my thanks to you first of all. I suggested that we should go to marriage counseling and then go see separate counselors for anger management or personal issues. It's been a roller coaster and I'd like to get off and go back to having a happy family very much so more than anything. I've made a lot of personal sacrifices and strides even within the last few days... she believes that I'll go back to doing the things that I was before (ie. going out with the guys late at night, or neglecting), but I definetly won't be... not at the cost of my marriage I won't be. I hope that she sees that and places good faith in me, because it's awfully hard to stay focused without encouragement and support but I know why I don't have any of that now, and I also realize that it's up to me to do it alone (at least at first) to get back into good graces. I just hope that when the time comes, that she'll do the same for me. I love my wife with all of my heart... I've never felt this way before... and it just seems like this all of this is an eye opener for me... a kick in the a** if you will... and it's made me realize all of the mistakes that I made. I regret each one of them... I really do, and it's time for me to change for the better, and get back on track with my family.

Hi guys, I'm feeling pretty empty inside, and I have been for a few months now. I hope I can explain this without confusing anyone, but here goes. My wife and I have been together for almost five years. We fell together in brilliant love and things were absolutely great. Marriage was great, my job in the military was exciting, familiy was great, the sex was great, our everything was just great. A few years back my son was diagnosed with diabetes and had to be medivaced out to another hospital in the state, it seemed devastating but after awhile things calmed down because we knew that we could control the problem that our son had and that he would live a normal healthy life just like any other kid... not too long after that, my daughter was diagnosed with Hurlers Syndrome, a life threatening disease that absolutely rocked our world. To my understanding, there's only a handful of hospitals in the US that can competently take care of this, and the closest one to us at the time was over five hours away... In turn, I had to transfer to another base in Ohio (I requested it because our families were both there) but in order to get there, I had to not only go through the rigorous and stressing process that it is to move several states away, but I had to give up my career in the current field that I was in. I loved my career and planned on using it when I retired from the service, but I would've done (and would stil dol) anything for my daughters well being. When we got to Ohio and I processed into my new base and my new job it was nothing more than a whirlwind of events for the next year. No sooner than a month after our arrival my daughter was admitted into the hospital and began treatment to include chemo therapy, multiple feeding tubes, a bone marrow transplant, a skin biopsy, platelete infusions, a plethera of medicines and creams each day, surgery for her central line, physical therapists, speech therapists etc, etc, etc... My wife and I spent almost five months in the hospital with no sleep (and another month living in a hotel near the hospital) watching our daughter battle through it all... it was rough, I hated seeing my daughter on her death bed and throwing up from the chemo or only have enough strength to stay awake for about thirty minutes a day or struggle to crawl or stand up. After we were finally able to bring her home, things were up and down and my daughter was constantly in and out of the hospital for many different reasons and new obstacles. Currently, our daughter is doing MUCH better but now we're faced with a new challenge... our marriage. It seems as if through the last two traumatic years of our life when we had to pull everything together for our children, we somehow forgot to pull things together for ourselves. I've not been the best husband, and I've always been consciously aware of our problems (and I always tried hard to resolve them on the spot by bringing them to attention)... hell even when I was in the hospital with my wife and daughter for all of those months, I bought multiple books on how to keep my marriage going. I also tried to get my wife to read them with me, so not only were we going to help our marriage, but doing it together would (at least I thought so) would help teach us how to become a team again... unfortunately, she didn't take to reading any of these wonderful books ('His Needs, Her Needs' & 'The Sex Starved Marriage') and stopped reading them around the second or third chapter. Now lets rewind to the beginning of things; my wife has always had some sort of communication problem... she doesn't open up easily and rarely talks when we have a conversation of the serious type. If she does talk, it's on the defensive... and that doesn't turn out good, because she speaks as though I'm a threat. When we first got together, I had to spend almost a year away from her to train for my job in the military, but I while I was away, I was the most absolute faithful guy. I wouldn't even hardly look at another girl unless it had something to do with my training, and I every chance that I got, I spent talking to my wife to reassure her that things would be okay. I never once strayed away. I thought that if I stayed the same loving, caring, and understanding person for her that I had always been, that she would open up to me eventually... after all, we were both madly in love. Whenever she needed me, I was there to support her with anything and everything. It didn't matter what it was, I always put her and the children way before myself... now I think (I'm not sure) that when I realized that (seemingly) no matter what I did or what I gave up, compromised, no matter how caring or devoted I was, etc, etc that my wife would not do the same for me and thats when I started to neglect her as well to attempt to support my self. I found other activities and hobbies to keep away from her and to try and make myself feel better... afterall I had felt worthless in the eyes of someone that I gave everything up for (that's another story in itself). I kept myself away and even looked up old female friends of mine to try and discuss my problems with... I was looking for something, anything to make myself feel better. I'm a simple guy, and all I require is support, communiation, someone who cares (and will show it), and (I hope that this doesn't come off the wrong way) but sex is really important to me... To me, sure sometimes it's to get off and a release but most times, I think of it as when two people can come together and be the closest that they can possibly be with one another on a whole new level. I know that my wife cares but shes never there to REALLY listen to me, and I feel like I'm ignored when I try to sit down and have a heart to heart with her. We stopped doing activities together, going out together, sex immensely decreased, etc. Now lets go to the near present... Now, things are still the same way, I left my wife a few months ago because I felt like she would never support me the way that I needed (and have always needed) to be supported in... I was gone for about a month, and then I broke down, and told her that I didn't really want the divorce, and that I did indeed still love her but that I thought that she really needed to go to anger management for herself and that we needed to start going to marriage counseling together, she agreed and I thought that she was really putting forth an effort because she asked me right there if I wanted to make love... and when I asked why, she stated because that was one of the problems that we needed to work on and that we should start now. We did end up having sex that evening, and it was absolutely wonderful, but then everything went back to how it was, and I've been kicked out and welcomed back in a few times now. At the moment, I'm going through an extreme time in my life, with my loaded down job, my upcoming deployment to the middle east, my childrens problems, the lack of family, marital problems, and to top it all off, my father in law is sick with lymphoma. I've become severely depressed and I've since moved back in with my wife but I haven't had the motivation to go get the rest of my things and I've been living out of a suitcase and I've been doing nothing more than sitting on the couch, playing video games and acting somewhat cold to my wife because of my depression, and now, it's affected her badly... She told me the other day that she doesn't know if she can be with me anymore... I've never cried so much in my life... me, along with her family has been talking to her for the last few days, and I think that she's had a change of heart, but she's walking on a thin line as well. Shes still somewhat distant, and today she saw me sitting on the couch and asked me what was wrong... I told her that I feel unattracive and undesirable to her and she asked why... I replied because we haven't even made love in over a month... she didn't say anything more, rather she walked away into the kitchen. I'm lost, and depressed... it would be an easy fix for me. If she would only throw her arms around me and tell me that it was going to be okay... Advice?

Thank you Avman for the wonderful advice. But just for an update our argument has worsened even tonight. I tried explaining to her (again) just what is happening and how I feel, and she replies to me with silenece. I am really getting rather discouraged.

Yes, I've read all about the different changes that she'll experience, it's just that living them is different and quite frankly it sucks. But, as for the love life, it was great, until the very moment that she found out that she was pregnant. Is that supposed to seriously happen? No sarcasm involved, b/c youre right when you say rookie father to be. She is three months along so far, and I've seen her cry for apparently no reason whatsoever, she told me that she didn't even know why she cries like that. But on the other hand, she had a problem communicating with me even before we got married. My mother-in-law says that it stems from her ex-husband, whom she just could not trust at all. But my God! It's been a long time since she was with her ex.....what gives. I sometimes feel as though she compares me to him, sees me as him, and thereforeeee acts the way as though she would if they were still married. But thank you for having a beer for me (God knows that she would flip out if she saw me drink...which brings up another problem, but I won't state the nature of that,...unless of course you ask ). Get back soon.

I don't know all of the details about your relationship between you and your life, but maybe you should ask her to sit down, (or at least talk to you over the phone), and assess the relationship as it is now. However, I personally think that it is wrong for her to keep the money for herself seeing as how (and THERE ARE military regulations and documents on this), she is only entitled to receive that money in her pay under certain circumstances (ie: if you guys live under the same roof for at least six months out of the year with the exception of her being deployed...etc.) So, if she wants to play it that way, well then my friend, I suggest that you no longer be her dependent, because as of right now, what she is doing (legally and morally), is completely wrong. Best wishes to you.

See the thing is, is that I have told her how she is making me feel, and all that good stuff, and no matter how many times we have that conversation, nothing seems to change.

I am a newlywed. And it seems like after we got married my wife begged me to get her pregnant, and now that she is, she is like a totally different women. Frankly, she just doesnt seem to give a crap about my needs anymore. I do basically everything that a husband should....I've made some mistakes...some BIG mistakes, but then again who doesnt? We now seem to argue constantly, our love life has gone to crap, and she won't talk to me about anything! I'm getting really stressed out here, and would like to save my marriage...Anyone got any thoughts??

It was a situation in which she could see me through a web cam, but I could not see her. I felt so disgusting. But another thing is (and I'm not using it as an excuse), I was starting to feel like she was pulling away from me because there was becoming this lack of desire when we made love. It just wasnt how it was before. It was simply a sort of, "thank you, youre done, get off and go watch tv thing", and that was very depressing to me.

I have always been completely faithful with my wife. I love her more than anything. I have no idea what came over me, but while she was away, I cybered with somebody. After I did it, I automatically felt the guilt of betrayl. I couldn't stand it so I told her and confessed to what I had done. She began to cry, and now, has no trust in me. She can't even look at me, b/c she no longer sees me. I feel completely disgusting, and I am TRULY VERY SORRY! This situation is killing me and it's all my fault. And not that I dont deserve it, but she just keeps wanting to know all the details, and badgers me with comments. Does anybody know, what I should do?