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heartlessromantic

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Everything posted by heartlessromantic

  1. heartlessromantic
    I don't know exactly what you are talking about but love does not conquer all. That phrase is a fantasy. Any real relationship requires effort and commitment. The initial spark or chemistry is just the beginning. Sustaining it requires real work.
  2. heartlessromantic
    If you are not over him and having semi-regular contact keeps you from moving on, then go cold turkey. Maybe it'll be easier now that he's finally given you closure, but then maybe now is exactly when you need some time away to get past this latest news.
  3. heartlessromantic
    Her daughter is an important part of her life and maybe she's past the point of just dating around, so she wants to make sure that men who are interested in her can handle having an instant family.
  4. heartlessromantic
    He doesn't sound like he's worth the trouble. When you start thinking of some good memories, just think about how he's treated you and apparently shown very little remorse. That would be enough for me to get a little angry! Then use that anger and go work out or something... concentrate on yourself. Make yourself feel good.
  5. heartlessromantic
    Yes, be cautious. If you really care about your new guy, take steps to ensure total closure with you ex. This means minimizing contact and continuing showing your new guy that he is more important to you now.
  6. heartlessromantic
    Let me just say that I enjoyed your anecdote! I don't really know what to say other than to offer some practical advice. I would hardly consider myself a piece of gorgeous hunkitude but I've had the fortune of dating some pretty cute women in my time. And I've found that the best advice I can really give anybody is to just be yourself and not be so worried about how you "stack up". Worrying about factors outside your control only leads to frustration and anxiety. Women can sense that you are ill at ease and it is a turn-off. However, being yourself is a bit harder than it sounds. The reality is that you have to be somewhat interesting. So do what it takes to make yourself more interesting, to give yourself more stories to tell. Broaden your horizons so you can chat people up about more than "invoices". How would that "gorgeous hunk's" invoice story stack up against a story about encountering a bear while hiking in the backcountry of Alaska? What if one of the women was more literary and you could talk to her about something you saw in the New York Times magazine or some book? I'm not saying that you should go seek out danger, start extreme sports, or become a pseudo-intellectual but you get the idea. The reality is that really attractive people will naturally have an easier time and more opportunities but you will get your opportunities as well. Just be ready to kickass when it's your time. PS: But don't put any pressure on yourself. Whenever I talk to a girl I don't know, I always think to myself that I'd be happy just to make a new friend or I'm just passing time at a party or whatever. And then I see what happens, but I don't put pressure on myself.
  7. heartlessromantic
    Why do you not feel ready? Who did the breaking up?
  8. heartlessromantic
    Nothing is wrong with you. You were smart and perceptive enough to seek help when you sensed something was wrong. It sounds like you were raised in a bad environment and have some issues to figure out. If you can afford counseling or therapy or some sort of support group, I would recommended attending. Leave this relationship and concentrate on yourself. You know yourself well enough to realize that you need to work on your self-esteem so go out there and take steps! Become a stronger person so that when you do meet that great guy, you will be ready to have a healthy relationship.
  9. heartlessromantic
    lostnpain - I agree with you in that I think your wife needs to allow herself the opportunity to heal and to try and forgive you. What is the current status? Do you two still go to counseling? I know nothing actually happened but perhaps you two can try reading this book together? link removed
  10. heartlessromantic
    Whoa. You need to leave immediately. Sorry, but no matter how sweet his words, you should not go back. Maybe he will seek treatment and maybe he will get better but do you want to GAMBLE YOUR LIFE? Think about it, he beat you so hard that you thought he might kill you! Don't forget that.
  11. heartlessromantic
    I don't feel like you have a right to be upset with her. You decided to look outside the marriage when things went south, instead of taking steps to try and fix the marriage. Now, she is doing the same thing. Sorry to sound harsh, but you have no logical right to be upset. I can understand how you would feel betrayed. It is a natural reaction, even in an "open relationship" (which is why I feel like these types of relationships are a farce). But at least she was upfront about her activities while you have deceived her for years. Another thing that disturbed me is that you described your wife as "idolizing you" and that it bothered you when you felt that she didn't "idolize" you anymore. I don't think that in a healthy relationship, one partner should idolize the other or put the other on some sort of pedestal. Out of curiosity, what is it that these other women provided that made you feel good that your wife did not do?
  12. heartlessromantic
    This is rough. I'm of the opinion that people have to be stronger with their boundaries, especially since you have legitimate reason to be a little insecure about her and this guy being so close. Honestly - and maybe this is a bit harsh - if you guys are supposed to have a serious relationship, she should cut off contact with this guy. First off, even if he is a good friend, he is more than a friend. She has admitted as much, so there is no reason for her to stay in touch with this guy and no reason for her to feel like she needs to tell little lies about it. If you guys don't work this out, this will be a continual thorn in your side and will lead to more relationship troubles.
  13. heartlessromantic
    Actually, your story rings true with some books I've recently read about emotional infidelity. Friendships outside marriages can have a slippery slope and it's up to each individual to build walls as necessary to keep **** from happening. I didn't mean to sound harsh. I understand how it is to be caught in the middle. A few times in my life I've found myself struggling with values that I thought I held dear. Though for the most part my values have always won out, I understand how easy it can be to go the other way. Wrong or right do get blurred in the moment or under tough circumstances. Take care and good luck with everything.
  14. heartlessromantic
    If he has consistently demonstrated to you that he cannot keep promises, then I would have serious concerns about him as a long-term partner. Unfortunately, based on what you have written, he doesn't not seem like a good bet. One thing to tell yourself when your judgment is clouded by your emotions: Judge him by his actions, not words.
  15. heartlessromantic
    So the wife goes away for a few months - the first extended time apart - and finds out that her husband has a woman over, someone I presume she has never met, and he is comforting this woman about her bad relationship. You're telling me that doesn't look the least bit suspicious? I have to disagree with you. I think it's fair for a spouse to raise concerns. I think that OP's wife has carried things too far to the point of damaging the relationship even more, but I don't think it is out of line for a spouse to raise concerns if he/she believes a friendship isn't exactly that or if he/she believes somebody has ulterior motives. If it doesn't turn into an inquisition, I think being able to raise these kinds of concerns is a sign of good communication. I think something like a marriage is fragile enough and it takes vigilance and work to keep the fire burning bright. I have had these feelings in the past and though my girlfriends were sometimes annoyed that I pointed it out, I was ALWAYS RIGHT. I even let my girlfriends hang out with guys I knew didn't have totally platonic intentions. But it bothers me sometimes how naive women can be to the whole "just friends" thing. Guess what? Many guys use it as a cover to get close to a girl. Personally, if I was in a relationship, I wouldn't feel comfortable being friends with somebody that I knew had designs on me, just out of respect for my girlfriend or spouse. I can make enough friends that I don't need to hang onto every one, but that's just me.
  16. heartlessromantic
    I don't think it's fair to react so strongly against what his wife is feeling. If the relationship was great beforehand, then the wife must have been really hurt by it. It is hard to be idealistic and think everything is so great and then to be blindsided by something. Fine. Say all you want about your intentions (there were none) and all that, but how does it look to the wife??? The first time she is away for an extended period of time, she is confronted with a situation that doesn't look all that good. The whole idea of trust is so that you can feel comfortable when you're NOT with your spouse. Just because one person has a good marriage with lots of male friends and a husband that doesn't care does not mean everybody else's marriage works the same way or that everybody feels the same. Nobody gets married thinking they're going to cheat or get involved with somebody else. The OP even said that he felt a void when his wife left and that his friend filled a void. THAT is the first step towards real infidelity. I agree that he didn't do anything and maybe that never even crossed his mind, but "we're just friends" only rings true if you are aware of boundaries and know when to draw the line. Too many things happen under the guise of friendship. If you are having conversations or acting in a way that you would not feel comfortable about your spouse seeing, then maybe it's time to stop and think about what's going on. The reason she is upset is because you probably should have taken stronger steps to protect the relationship. It's good that nothing too deep happened, but it did not look good. Just because no actual affair happened doesn't mean she should not be upset. That's ridiculous! So we're not allowed to be upset until an affair is consummated? I do agree, however, that your wife needs to be ready to forgive you and at least start on the path to healing. She is not helping things by holding this over you.
  17. heartlessromantic
    Would you have pursued your the affair with your friend if your wife had not told you about her emotional infidelity? I don't know.... sometimes I think it's so easy to say that life is not black and white but marriage seems pretty black and white to me, unless it was an open marriage from the beginning. It takes a rare breed of person to be in an open relationship and maybe you and your wife have a more liberal relationship but at the same time you were obviously very hurt by her revelation. I think that sometimes unhappiness comes from an internal conflict of wanting to be tolerant, progressive, liberal, modern, or whatever and not being honest with what you really want. I've recently decided to stop playing that game with myself. Who cares about pushing your boundaries, testing your own comfort level, trying to be openminded or progressive - if it is not who I am or how I feel? I want a committed, exclusive relationship with a partner who is as equally dedicated to protecting it as I am and I won't settle or try to adapt to something different. I want to be happy at heart, not happy on paper.
  18. heartlessromantic
    Actions do speak louder than words. You just need to consistently show that your actions are in accord with your words - that's really the best you can do.
  19. heartlessromantic
    Trust takes time to build up and is easily destroyed, no matter the track record. It is especially distressing since this happened the first time she was away from you for an extended period of time. One thing that is often ignored by the so-called "innocent" party is how something looks. Sure, maybe you had no intentions at all, but how does it look to her, given the circumstances? Very bad. You sound like a good husband and it seems like you have had a good marriage up to this point. It might be good just to ask her what you can do to make her feel comfortable again. I mean the romancing is nice but you need to attack the real problem.
  20. heartlessromantic
    If I don't feel like things can be worked out, I try to break up with somebody before there is a replacement - don't feel right about doing it the "easier" way... borderline cheating if you ask me. As for your ex, he sounds very insensitive. Seems like he's lost all patience with the relationship. What's the story here, if it's relevant? I wouldn't worry too much about what might be going on in the background. It doesn't really matter now, does it? Trust issues will only be relevant if you guys decide to try and work things out.
  21. heartlessromantic
    This sounds all too familiar. I am not fond of people who are obviously in a bad mood, are unable to talk about it, annoy you by their lack of communication, and then try to blame it on you. Not sure what to tell you. Was she insecure about you being away at college?
  22. heartlessromantic
    What exactly happened? It wasn't clear from your post. Did he sleep with his ex or did he sleep with you when you were broken up?
  23. heartlessromantic
    I think this is great for you. It sounds like you two are both mature and respect each other enough to understand what needs to be done, and to know that it will be much easier if you just got on with it in a friendly manner. I am in the middle of a possible permanent break-up with my girlfriend right now and everything is amicable. It is sad and we are both emotional people but we are not that angry with each other. Same with my last break-up. I think it just depends on the circumstances and personalities of people involved.
  24. heartlessromantic
    kbjinnc - It is something that I've struggled with myself. I've been betrayed by a few people close to me, after I felt like I had done many good things for them. I know how you feel. It is extremely hard to understand and many emotions race through your head. You think, "What kind of person does this?" The best thing for me to do is to just know that I am the good person. I had the best of intentions and maybe it didn't always come out perfectly, but I am a good person. However, some people have deeper problems and until they realize these things and are ready to help themselves, your effort only goes to waste. Take care of yourself and don't worry about your ex so much. I know it's hard but she acts like somebody who doesn't understand herself or her problems.
  25. heartlessromantic
    If you don't feel ready to see her and you feel awkward emotions creeping up on you, I would recommend telling her that you need more time. Unless she is open to reconciling and you want to get back together, there is really no point in putting yourself through this.
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