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heartlessromantic

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  1. heartlessromantic
    I completely agree with caro33. She is acting like a rival and you need to talk to your boyfriend about your discomfort and give your reasons. He should be more sensitive to your feelings and show respect for your relationship by putting up stronger boundaries. If you guys are serious, then these are all very reasonable things to expect. A relationship requires some work and vigilance. Long term relationships don't just magically happen. Just google "emotional infidelity" on the Net. There is also a good book called "Not just friends" about this topic. I think any couple that is serious should read the book.
  2. heartlessromantic
    I think you just need to slow it down and let her dictate the pace. I think from what you've written it is evident she cares about you but a person can only handle so much change at once. Remember, she just got out of a marriage. She is no doubt a little jaded and emotionally worn out. Do not make too many demands on her. Do not make demands for "quality" time. The last thing she needs is more relationship talk right now. She needs levity. Be that bright light for her. Make her laugh and smile. I know you have needs but you are sabotaging yourself if you make too many demands on her and she ends up associating you with stress. If you care about this woman, be patient and kind to her. It might be a bit unfair because you have needs too, but her hectic life and the corresponding stress is not going to magically go away. Be patient and be the thing in her life that makes her smile instead of worry.
  3. heartlessromantic
    GH2001 - You can ask yourself the same question. Why would a man in his 40s with two kids develop a crush on another woman outside of his marriage? Even the best relationships take work and vigilance. You have to be willing to protect your marriage and that means setting up emotional barriers so that you don't end up in a situation like you are in now. When you expend emotional, physical, or sexual energies outside of your marriage, you are robbing your spouse. If the marriage already has issues, you are making things worse because you are robbing yourself of the energy required to work things out. This is why many good marriages start on a long, slow decline. What are you posting for? What are your goals? Do you just want help interpreting this woman's actions? Do you want advice on how to save your marriage?
  4. heartlessromantic
    You did the right thing. People say that you didn't have an emotional affair but I think you stopped it just in time. This is how emotional infidelity works: people don't expect to cheat or get too close in a relationship. It happens because people think "we're just friends" and slide down the slippery slope. Soon enough, you're really in an emotional affair, which often leads to physical cheating. Given how often your wife might be gone in the future, she has every right to be upset and you should be more vigilant.
  5. heartlessromantic
    Did she have an affair? I would suggest marriage counseling if you guys are not able to talk it out... Feelings and nostalgia for the past can come and go. It is how we understand and deal with them that can preserve or break a marriage . Look up emotional infidelity on the net or at an online bookstore. There are many online articles and publications that deal with this issue.
  6. heartlessromantic
    Are these recurring dreams? Same dream every time? Have you told your boyfriend? It sounds like something he should know so he won't assume the worst when you flinch at his touch. I would recommend seeing a therapist...
  7. heartlessromantic
    Hi GH2001, I have never been in a situation like yours but funnily enough, I am reading some books that deal precisely with your issue. The issue of emotional infidelity or letting your male/female relationships become more than that is an increasing problem. Though I have always been good with boundaries, I have learned that one must be extra vigilant. I'm not sure what one can do after letting your emotions spill over but I hope the articles and book links below can help you. I think she was probably flirting with you. I think if you want to remain faithful to your wife, you made a mistake in admitting your attraction. You are correct in trying to curtail contact but I'm not so sure that NC is what's best. You should try to act normal, professional, and just keep a distance. Save your energy for trying to save your marriage (if that's what you want and value) and not some affair with a woman who is tormenting you and may not even be all that interested. Online articles: link removed link removed Books that might be useful: link removed link removed
  8. heartlessromantic
    You do not come off as materialistic at all. You have your own values, needs, and standards. You two must have something to still be together but it does seem like there are a few nagging "always in the back of the mind" issues here. As for him not traveling because of a lack of founds, I don't think you can judge him that way. He seems to have his own set of priorities and he works just enough to fulfill them. It's a lifestyle thing. I think if you want to be serious about this guy or if you are thinking longer term, you two will have to take some time and have a serious talk. How does he envision his life? How do you envision yours? If there is large mismatch, then maybe it's time to re-evaluate the relationship.
  9. heartlessromantic
    I think you are doing well! Remember the stuff that you did that made you feel good. Keep doing those things and any other things that make you feel good. I know exactly where you are and how you are feeling. Keep plugging away. It does get better.
  10. heartlessromantic
    As for his anger, some people just have trouble dealing with guilt. It is very frustrating to have somebody be angry at you because they've done something very wrong and you've confronted them. Walk away and know that he will feel guilty for a long time. The persons (ex-girlfriend and close friend) who cheated on me felt bad long after I had gotten over it.
  11. heartlessromantic
    Sorry, I was not trying to defend him in any way. I just mean that from his point of view you've made things even more uncomfortable - not to say that he doesn't deserve a little bit of that. I think it is less than honorable of him to have his mom break up with you. Shows a bit about how he is in a crisis and how he feels about accountability. I think you know what needs to be done. Take care.
  12. heartlessromantic
    I don't know that saving money is necessarily materialistic. In this dog-eat-dog world, it's just smart. You never know what can happen. If he is 35, I think he should be looking ahead just a tiny bit, but at least he seems to be happy. Melrich is right, though, it might just be an issue of whether or not your values are aligned. Do you guys talk about the future?
  13. heartlessromantic
    Passive aggressive behavior can manifest in many ways. A friend of mine told me that she would do little things - maybe unconsciously - to sabotage a relationship if she was unhappy, even though she might put up a happy face. I think the core of many relationship problems is just poor communication and fear of conflict or confrontation can be a cause of this problem.
  14. heartlessromantic
    You're doing the right things to move on and appear quite strong. Don't worry, you'll get through this. As for the guilt, from what you wrote he doesn't seem to be most sensitive bloke, so I wouldn't obsess too much over it. It is a natural reaction but what's done is done and feeling guilty about it doesn't change a thing. You can send him an email or letter if it will make you feel better but that just might open up a chance for him to give you a nasty response. If you need to say something, some sort of one-way conversation might be best. You both hurt each other and made serious mistakes. It happens. Learn from it and don't repeat the same mistakes. Good luck!
  15. heartlessromantic
    dnozzle - You don't necessarily have to stop contact, just don't make demands on her time. Send her an email once a week to let you know how you are doing and ask about her. Send her a Christmas card. Stuff like that. But don't wait around on chat all day for her, go "invisible" mode if you can, and don't bombard her with emails. If she replies to an email, wait a few days and then reply. Basically, be there for her but don't stress her out, don't let her associate you with a chore. I have also dated somebody coming out of a serious relationship and it does take time. Unfortunately, nothing you can do will speed up the process. If you really feel something for this woman, then just be patient. If you feel like you can't wait, then don't really stay in touch and try to move on.
  16. heartlessromantic
    I see... hmmm... maybe you can come at it indirectly by saying that you and so-and-so girlfriend were talking and how you like guys who brush their teeth, shower regularly, and do their hair, etc... (don't know his specific issues). Or you guys could be people watching and you can point out guys you think are cute or something... This is assuming you guys have a real friendship and you're not just looking to improve him so you can pounce on him.
  17. heartlessromantic
    I think he broke it off and you should start NC immediately. If you have anything more to say, send email or something but after that, leave it alone. You've already invaded his space by calling his friend and his mother. No need to make a scene at his work. It sounds like you already "investigated" and satisfied your curiosity enough. I've been cheated on and I know how obsessive it can make you: the need to know every single detail. But the fact is, it's done and it's bad enough as it is. How much more or what possible explanation could he possibly give you that would make it okay? I know you guys have been together a long time but you need to begin healing again. Leave it alone and move on.
  18. heartlessromantic
    What sort of things has he shared with you? If he already has some intuition as to how to improve his appearance, then it shouldn't take much more than a little nudging on your part.
  19. heartlessromantic
    Sounds like you two should have never gotten back together without discussing his cheating. You kept a grudge and acted on it. It's too bad. He may have made a mistake but as the old saying goes, two wrongs do not make a right. While things may not have been explicitly exclusive, it sure sounds like it was implicitly exclusive, otherwise you would not refer to what you did as "cheating". So are you saying that you wouldn't have been upset if he told you he had been sleeping with someone? He sounds like he is really hurt and you only salted the wound by commenting on his bedroom skills... From a guys point of view, to have your girlfriend betray you and then say that, talk about ouch. What you did is in no way justified by what he did two years ago! If you were not over it or could not forgive him, you should never have taken him back. In any case, it's over now. So much damage on both sides. Live and learn. Good luck.
  20. heartlessromantic
    How long has she been divorced? She may not be completely emotionally ready for a serious relationship. You are talking about marriage and a future together and she is still trying to come to terms with her divorce. She seems to care about you and try to make some time for you despite her busy life. I think your best bet is to be supportive and let her know you are there for her without imposing on her time. You don't want to add more stress to her life than she already has... The whole thing was probably just moving too fast for her.
  21. heartlessromantic
    Honestly, words mean nothing. What actions has he taken to show you that he is trying to change? Is he in therapy? Is he reading books on anger management, etc? It doesn't sound like it. He seems very fixated on your weight and wants things to be a certain way. It makes me wonder why he even started dating you in the first place if he wants you to be something else. He seems to be very frustrated that you have not been able to keep your "promise" to lose weight and is having trouble expressing his frustration. But don't let all this distract you from the real issue. He has demonstrated abusive behavior and it seems to be escalating. You have to address this with him or leave the relationship.
  22. heartlessromantic
    I went through the same thing and I broke up with an ex because I just didn't feel "it". Great girl, respect her, love her but just not enough in the "gut". I think this dilemma presents itself because of the fact that we all know that a strong friendship is required to sustain a long-term relationship. But this isn't just any friendship. You need that spark, that romantic attraction AND a strong platonic love as well. You need both to feel completely satisfied in a marriage. It is no surprise that a couple's sex life is one of the primary indicators of a relationship's health - it's tough to have a good sex life when you don't feel that strong attraction.
  23. heartlessromantic
    Before reading my advice, I want to qualify it by disclosing that I have never been married. If his ex-wife is going to be such a regular part of your future together, maybe it is good that you meet her and also eventually get to know her a bit. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask this of your BF. It would be interesting to see how he reacts. I had an ex-girlfriend who was on good terms with most of her ex's and she was always very open about inviting me when they would visit. Keep in mind that these were ex's from break-ups years away and she would go out of her way to make me feel secure in our relationship, so it was slightly uncomfortable but not too bad. You can usually tell if an ex is happy for your SO or if an ex has ulterior motives and sees you as a rival.
  24. heartlessromantic
    Michael_H, Let's take "slander" out of the equation. Do not feel bad about making her look bad. Okay, so maybe she is this way because of past abuse. Fine. We don't have to demonize her. But what is the end result? She does not treat you well. And even if you insist that "it's not that bad", you are still not happy and you sense something is seriously wrong. That is why you posted on this board asking for advice. Trust your instincts. There are two "correct" solutions to your problems, with #1 being much preferable: 1) Leave as soon as you can. Move out, don't tell her where you are moving, and break up with her. Make sure you have enough money to support yourself so you won't come running back. It is important to have a plan, as another poster said, so you don't have a chance of coming back. 2) If you insist on staying, she must agree to go to therapy. What if the problem is deeper, like sexual abuse within the family? Don't ask her this. Just insist that she go into therapy. AND, you should still move out to get some space from her. Again, do not tell her where you are moving so you can let go easily. She sounds unstable and who knows what could happen. It's not like she's giving you any intimacy anyway - what's the point of living together? If she refuses to go to therapy or shows less than very high dedication to solving her problems, leave. I know you come from a lower class background but that does not give her any right to treat you this way. AND HER WEALTH DOES NOT MAKE HER A BETTER PERSON THAN YOU NOR DOES IT MAKE HER SOME SORT OF CATCH! You sound like a good guy and I guarantee you that in your life you will meet good solid women who will love you for who you are and who will treat you well. I guarantee it. Nice guys do not finish last. Guys with no backbone to look out for their own happiness finish last. My first serious girlfriend cheated on me with a close friend of mine. It didn't feel good and confused me. But it made me a stronger person and all the girls I have dated since have always, at one point or another, been deeply in love or like - depending on how long we dated - with me. Even the one who cheated on me really loved me. She's contacted me numerous times over the last decade. People hurt you, but unless they are total sociopaths, the guilt definitely sticks. This is something you need to understand. What you offer has value. Respect yourself, respect what you bring to a relationship, and only give to people who are willing to reciprocate.
  25. heartlessromantic
    Have you talked to him about his hygiene and his direction of energies (using his time on TV/video games instead of spending quality time with you)? It sounds as if the relationship has serious communication problems. If it is hard to speak openly, then write him a letter or email and specifically highlight the communication problems. Tell him why you can't be open with him. Tell him the other things that are bugging you about the relationship. I totally understand where you are coming from and know what it feels like when that "spark" is gone. It sounds like he takes you for granted or is just content to let things go down the tubes, most likely the former. Do you think he understands how dire the situation is or is he that clueless? Or do you think he takes your resignation as a sign that you're "trying to make things work and not rock the boat?"
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