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ultraviolet

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Everything posted by ultraviolet

  1. ultraviolet
    h1tek, I realize Bipolar is a serious mental condition, but this young lady still has a choice, one that I refuse to let her off the hook for considering that she has children to think of. She has the choice to take her meds! There is no excuse to be acting like a poster child for Jerry Springer when children are involved. If you're getting agitated, I consider that healthy, because you have every right to be. I'm angry and sad for you and your family and I don't even know you. This dysfunctional behavior is costing you your happiness, self-respect, and potentially your family. Aren't these things worth fighting for? By the way I can tell how much you love them because you're trying so hard to gallantly excuse their inexcusable behavior when it so clearly hurts you to live like this. I really feel for you. It's crazy-making when the people that you love most, value their own selfish ends over what's best for the family. That's why I advise you to try talking to her from the heart. Don't cast blame, just decide what it is you need and if she can't or isn't willing to try, than that my friend is the reality of your situation. Edit: I just read Batya's latest response. Brilliant. Please heed the advice.
  2. ultraviolet
    I don't deny the truth of what you say. I'm sure the daughter throws histrionic tantrums and calls the cops, because LIKE HER MOM she's learned that making false accusations (guilt trips) and acting belligerent works. This doesn't mean that she's incapable of change and acting like an adult. It means that she's never truly had to face the consequences of her actions and forced to change in order to have a roof over her head. She behaves like this because it works, not because she's got some mental condition that prevents her from growing up. These two women are bullying you in your own home into accepting mistreatment that no one would accept from strangers. What's wrong with this picture???
  3. ultraviolet
    You aren't telling her to choose. She's already made that choice and given you the ultimatum. Look I realize she's a Mom and it will always be difficult for a mother to turn her back on her own children, but you weren't asking her to do that. You were asking her to have her daughter pay her share, do chores, treat you with respect, and act as a responsible parent IF she wanted to be a member of your household. Your fiance turned the tables on you by pointing out all the ways you "disrespect" her daughter instead of agreeing to try and work things out like any normal person with common sense with do. I'm not saying that you shouldn't try to improve relations with your step-daughter, but you and more than justified to walk if she REFUSES to compromise in any way particularly if you're being honest, open, and fair.
  4. ultraviolet
    To be honest, your fiance has little incentive to change, because she knows you value the relationship more than you value your own self-respect. She's heard you complain before, seen you move out, and come back. She uses guilt trips (bluffs) with you because she knows they work. Don't try to second guess her "bluffs." Decide what it is you want, need, and can tolerate. Put your cards on the table, say what you mean, and mean what you say, because things will never change as long as you let your fiance disrespect your boundaries.
  5. ultraviolet
    I don't think you're materialistic. I think you're an intelligent, common sense person who's dealing with a dysfunctional family that refuses to change or see the need for it. The matter warrants serious discussion. I would try getting your fiance away for a nice evening out, just the two of you. Tell her your thoughts just as calmly and rationally as you presented them here, but try to emphasize how much you love her and the kids, but how hurt and disrespected you've felt by due to specific events. Let her know you love her, but you can't continue under these conditions and tell her what you need to see changed in order to stay together. Then listen to what she has to say. If she's still not willing to compromise, then unfortunately I think you'll have to take her ultimatum seriously and decide at that time what is tenable to you and what isn't. Good luck. I know this decision won't be easy.
  6. ultraviolet
    I agree with Sea Bisquit, but if it were me ... I'd take baby steps and try making new friends where you are right now. The camraderie and practice will do you good whether or not you eventually decide to try and call a new city home. In the meanwhile brainstorm, research, and make some friends online in places where you think you'd like to move to and then... take a trip and go visit them. Your intuition will fill in the blanks. P.S. If it's fear holding you down, remember you can always move back.
  7. ultraviolet
    Normally I'd recommend talking to him, trying to discern the truth and go from there, but there are a lot of red flags indicating this guy isn't trustworthy. $3000 is a lot of money. Assuming he's telling you the truth (doubt it), I wouldn't even consider lending it to him unless you can afford to lose it. I know you care about the guy, but for someone who's in love with you and wants to "marry you someday", he's not treating you with the love and respect you deserve. Any emotionally intelligent person could see that when you accused him of using you as a 'booty call', you were looking for reassurance. Perhaps you could have approached him more tactfully (by telling him you were hurt instead of accusing him), but his self-serving (he's the victim???) and defensive responses to you and the fact that he keeps bringing it up (no matter how much you apologize) *should* be a wake-up call that this guy holds grudges and is more into being right than he is into working things out. This isn't love. It's the need for control. One more thing: I realize it's hard being a divorced father and having to pay a huge chunk of one's salary every month. But I doubt any woman with a 2 year old little girl came easily to the decision that they'd be better off divorced from the father. Rather than empathize with him right now, I think you ought to ask yourself: What is it that she might have had to accept about him that you're trying to ignore? Do yourself a favor and write it all out. First take a piece of paper and write out everything you ever wanted ideally in a man. Highlight those things that are necessities (non-negotiable.) Take a second piece of paper and draw a line down the center. List all the pros and cons of being in a relationship with James. Have your sister and mom add their input as well. Compare the two pieces of paper. How much are you compromising your needs and wants to be in a relationship with James? Can he ever make you happy? Is James even close to being the type of man you want and need? I know you love him, but how well is he loving you?
  8. ultraviolet
    Psipro, I'm sorry for your heartache. If you think about it, the timing is not so strange. The beginning of the school year is like a 'fresh start' that invites us to think about what we want to do with our lives and where we're headed. Unfortunately from your posts it sounds like your gf has felt for some time that something's missing in the relationship. The coincidence makes sense when you realize that she's probably more comfortable 'breaking up' when she knows that you'll both be caught up in your separate lives at your respective universities.
  9. ultraviolet
    Past, Robowarrior's response to your post caught my eye, so I went to read your previous posts. I prefer to be an optimist, but from everything you've written before, I can't in all good conscience encourage you to continue pursuing a relationship with this fickle girl. I know you love her and would do just about anything for your first love, but YOU aren't the problem. You don't have anything to prove as you've proven to her over and over again the sincerity and depth of your feelings for her by seeking her out despite all the hurt she's caused you. SHE'S THE ONE that has to want you bad enough to change. She's the one that has to stop the mind games (she doesn't like to cuddle???) and get serious about doing the things that would make you both feel happy and closer. The fact that she doesn't do these things and is constantly chasing other guys and saying discouraging things to you as a consolation prize are signs that deep down she doesn't really want to get back together. Ignore her words and ask yourself: Is this how I'd treat someone I love and want to be in a relationship with??? Not likely. By the way, people tend to say things like they "don't think they can make you happy" when the truth is they don't think you can make them happy. Not because there is anything wrong with you per se, but because they're too cowardly (and guilty) to admit that they no longer want a relationship with someone who treats them so well (perhaps undeservedly so). You deserve to be loved by someone who loves you just as you are and without reservation. Unfortunately, she isn't it.
  10. ultraviolet
    Good question. The best advice I can give you is to approach her gently. (Don't worry about penetrating her at first, just try stimulating her.) While you give her lots of slow kisses, gently glide your fingers down her sides, caressing her face, her back, her hips, her thighs... The key is to make the touching a slow, gradual exploration of each other's bodies that arouses both your senses. When she seems ready, slowly explore her by sliding your fingers down the front of her panties, and tracing slow, lingering concentric circles around her clitoris (just above the point where her labia touch)... If she seems to enjoy it, try applying a light pressure to your circles. Ask her what feels good and tell her you find it sexy when she tells you what she wants. I'll let you two figure out the rest....
  11. ultraviolet
    Grace, My heart goes out to you and reading your painful recount of what he's done to you brought tears to my eyes. No matter what he says (whether it's about you or some awful childhood he supposedly has), there is no excuse for laying a hand on you in anything but a loving manner. So why does he hit? Because it gets him what he wants - CONTROL. How can he hit you knowing that you love him and what an abusive childhood you had? The answer is when he's raging, he's not thinking about anyone else but himself as the "victim". Note: You can justify almost any heinous behavior - stealing, adultery, abuse, genocide - if you see yourself as a victim. Don't believe it. No matter what life deals us, we always have the choice to treat one another with love, kindness, and respect. So... does he love you? Even if he does, his behavior shows what's really important to him - CONTROL vs. love. Is this how you want to be "loved"? Is this the kind of father you want raising your baby? I was reading posts earlier today and thought you might find this link posted by NotTooGreen helpful. Please take a look at the abuse forum here at enotalone. There's a wealth of information there about how to find help through your local women's shelter. (If you don't know who to contact, your local Y should be able to put you into touch with the right people.) link removed More about why and how we excuse the abuse when it's happening to us. link removed
  12. ultraviolet
    I've been dealing with this question myself for years and what I can tell you is this... Once you find someone who loves and understands you better than anyone else and who fulfills your deepest needs on multiple levels, there are no doubts or thoughts about flirting with other people. (Yes you'll still notice when someone's attractive, but their allure won't mean anything to you because deep down you know that no one could ever make you as happy as the one you're with.) The problem is so many of us are afraid of being lonely and settle for so much less when our hearts long for something more. If you have reoccurring doubts, don't wait for something to happen. Talk to your BF and maybe take a time out from the relationship to discover what's really missing.
  13. ultraviolet
    You may not need a career change, just a different venue. These books might help you discern what's missing. Good luck! Zen & the Art of Making a Living by Lawrence G. Boldt link removed The Pathfinder by Nicholas Lore link removed
  14. ultraviolet
    What would you most regret? Leaving or staying? What set of actions is more likely to bring you closer to achieving your long term goals? The things we usually regret most in life are the things we're too afraid to try. I'm originally from a small town and believe me it will be there if you ever decide to move back. If you stay to make your parents happy, you might regret passing up on a great opportunity that would give you a safe, fun way to launch yourself into adulthood.
  15. ultraviolet
    I'm a worrier too. The funny thing is I graduated college eons ago, and I still have nightmares about not getting assignments done or about cramming for tests. All these years worrying I've learned several things: 1. Worrying is pointless. If I'd had spent half the time exploring possibilities that I spent worrying, I'd have been a lot happier and more productive. 2. Life is a lot easier when we ease ourselves into things. You don't have to know what you want to do with your life right away, but getting there takes time, so it's well worth your time to explore your options a little every day. If you're not sure what course to study, do a little reconnaisance. Figure out what it is that attracts you to these courses and which is the most likely to keep your brain engaged. Talk to students currently studying those majors and ask them what they like and don't like. Shadow people that are currently working in fields you're interested in and talk to professors to see if their work interests you. Drop by the bookstore and peruse the books you'll be using if you choose those majors. (Studying feels effortless if the subject is something you're really passionate about.) Talk to counselors and learn about the job growth potential of these fields. The more you know, the easier it'll be to make a decision that suits you. Lastly, what I've learned since graduation is that there are no "right" or "wrong" majors. A good education will serve you well no matter what you study. For example: If you're still undecided after all your research, you can pick a major as general as English Lit and add course work later if you decide to go a more specific route like Law or Media.
  16. ultraviolet
    Sometimes that which seems most cruel, is actually the most loving thing you can do. If you don't feel this young man is right for you, then the kind thing is to let him go so that he can heal his heart and one day pursue a relationship with someone who will truly love him. If you're tempted to get back together for the wrong reasons, remember however much he's hurting now will be much worse when you leave him again. Please don't do it.
  17. ultraviolet
    The first time you call her just to talk, make it your goal to just make contact. If the conversation flows, great. If not, just be proud of yourself for having the courage to take that first step. Whether you're on the phone or talking in person, forget yourself and focus on having fun and getting to know her. Do you have any classes, friends, or school activities in common? Use these commonalities to make small talk. For example: What was that homework assignment again?, funny things that happened in class, complaining about crazy teachers, unidentifiable cafeteria foods, driver's ed horror stories, and what tv shows or movies she likes. Whatever the topic, just have fun with it!
  18. ultraviolet
    Smile and be friendly. If he likes you but he's shy, he'll eventually warm up to your advances. If he looks annoyed and reacts coldly, time to move on.
  19. ultraviolet
    I agree! Pre-surgery Pamela was definitely sexier. Very Elisha Cuthbert. See here: link removed link removed As for orgasms, every one feels different to me, but the best ones feel like I'm being launched into outer space. The parachute ride down isn't bad either.
  20. ultraviolet
    Mom already knows the truth. She's just waiting for you to dispense with the formalities. Thanks for sharing! It's inspiring to hear an "almost" coming out that went well.
  21. ultraviolet
    My heart goes out to you. If it were my spouse, I'd make a point of asking her what things she intends to do to break her addiction, have her set deadlines, and look for progress. Ask her why she wants to stop. If she doesn't have answers to your questions and it seems like nothing's changing, then it's very likely that nothing will without family and professional intervention. Here are some resources to help you figure out your next step: link removed: Self tests and faq's links on left link removed link removed: Forums & Healing library (articles) on left link removed link removed: Infidelity articles under "popular links" on right link removed link removed: Extensive list of online sites for surviving infidelity link removed
  22. ultraviolet
    If you're stupid, well we all are. You strategy sounds good except for one thing, it's hard to have quality flirt time in class...especially with everyone and the teacher around listening in. How about lunch? in between classes? after school?
  23. ultraviolet
    I agree with Elektra and your therapist. Unfortunately this woman doesn't seem to have the right mindset for a serious relationship at this point. If you really love her, you have to respect her wishes. You can let her know you're back in town, but let her her be the one to come to you. She knows where to find you and how you feel. If you keep trying to pursue something against her wishes, you're only setting yourself up for more hurt and disappointment. Note: If you were the only boyfriend her family ever liked, then the problem was never your weight, but hers... the weight she carries from her past.
  24. ultraviolet
    I see what you're saying, but nowhere in the post did it seem like she did do anything to help him with it except talk the talk. If it was so important to her, why was he blindsided by her assertions when he himself had tried to talk to her on multiple occasions about the problem? (Armchair answer: She never had the courage to tell him the truth and neither of them did anything concrete to resolve the problem.) I enjoy sex just as much as the next woman (ok that's not true... more!) but sticking it out for me (no pun intended) would entail helping him get the help he needs. If performing with someone he loves made him this anxious, I sense that going to a professional isn't something he eagerly would pursue. The least she could have done was tell him how important this was to her and give him the moral support he needed to get help. (i.e. Call a doctor. Go with him to the appointment.) It's the difference between thinking about "us" vs. "me." To me anyone who would give up on a man after a month of unfulfilling sex (note: the first month was good) isn't someone that has the love, commitment, and fortitude to last a lifetime of money, family, career, and relationship problems that challenge all couples at some point. Hence my conclusion: She's not worth it. Note: If I'm biased against this woman, it's because when I was going through problems of my own, I wasn't strong enough to get help. Instead of writing me off, my guy and my friends were my strength until I found my own again. I wish more people in the world were like that.
  25. ultraviolet
    You sound like you're doing your best to have a relationship with a girl who's both very unsure about herself and immature. In private, ask her what's going on and tell her why it bothers you. If she's willing to change, give her another chance. Otherwise only you can say if the rudeness and humiliation is worth it.
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