vixens husband

I can now finish the story. Sooner than expected. I found out about all this on Friday morning befor she woke up. I went to work, angry and upset and then mailed her and asked her to leave the house because I didn't want to see her again. She rang me an hour later, in tears, said she understood and that she would go but had nowhere to go and would I mind if she stayed for a few weeks while she got that sorted out. I felt so sorry for her, I offered her money, I asked her some questions, she said she was so sorry that she would end the relationship and so on. Now I have to admit I had also done something that day that I am very ashamed of. I wrote to her lover and told him the story and how I felt. I told him that she had always told me she loved me and that she had slept with me all through the time she was sleeping with him. He did not reply. As a result and because I still loved her I said I would like to talk about it and if she would promise me to end all male relationships and work honestly with me I would think about working it out. The story gets complex from here, she was planning to go to Ireland from Friday evening to Wednesday to stay with, she said, a friend of the family from China. I couldn't go due to work commitments and I asked her was she going to see this guy in Ireland (he is Irish but had the last I knew been living in NZ). She said absolutely not. On Saturday I sent her my letter, the one you have all seen, she rang me saying it made her cry she was so sorry, she would never cheat again, she would work with me to make things better. i asked if I was in some way at fault she said that I took her for granted too much, couldl try harder, didn't talk to her enough and so on. I reflected on this and I think she is right, I could be better and I wanted so much to give our marriage a chance, love does not just die because one person makes a mistake. We discussed things, she said things were over with the Irish guy, she hadn't and wouldn't ever see him again. I asked her where he was, she said "he is still in Asia". I also asked him who she had rung for nearly an hour on Firday in ireland, she said her friend but she didn't think it was that long. We have been chatting, via text and phone positively since then, until while driving today I realised that the phone calls to Ireland were very long on Friday when she was so upset. There were two numbers so I rang one and an Irish male voice answered, I said "may I speak to .... (boyfriend's name)" he replied "yes, this is him". I hung up. I then rang the second number, an Irish woman answered, I asked if ... (bf) was home, she said no he was out, I then asked if -my wife- was there, she said, oh, no she's not. At this stage you can guess how I feel, this morning I was feeling positive but scared. I am now devastated. I can't give her any more chances and I will try not to even speak to her if it can be helped. I am packing her things now. Feels better to write it donw, but not much.

This is what I am going to say to my wife: the hardest thing for me is not the fact that you shared your body so readily with another man. Or even that you slept with him and did it so many times. It is not that you didn’t break it off until I found out, or that you have even recently been sharing photos of yourself with other men. It is not even the fact that he must have satisfied you in ways that I couldn’t for you to keep seeing him like you did. Together we have experiences and shared learnings that not other man can ever have with you. Even if it is because they were “firsts” that make them unique. Your first visit to Australia, England, Belgium, your first marriage, your first house, your first car, your first LV handbag! What really hurts is that you shared your body with another man as an act of love. You told him that you love him, you told him again and again and again. Did you tell him while he “made love” to you? Did you tell him while you orgasmed? This is the pain. Even the phone messages I saw, the “I miss you”s that should only have ever been said to me, these are words that are for closeness, not for casualness. This is the pain that is killing me, that is cutting me so deeply. Love is not some words that tumble out of your mouth every few hours as if you were making sure you switched the iron off. Love is a way of life, it is respecting, caring and sharing experiences with someone with a depth of feeling that says you’d rather be sharing with them than anyone else. Love is knowing that you can be better and hating the fact that you didn’t do better in the first place. Love is founded when you develop a bond and a common sense of purpose. The bond is strengthened so that it become a foundation for a future, it is built upon with shared experience and commitment, with trials and celebrations, with good times and bad times. At some time this thing that you have built becomes love, it becomes deep respect based on understanding of another’s weaknesses and strengths and acceptance of these. At that time you say the words “you know, I love you”. The words, when uttered in context, with the limited few recipients who earn and deserve them, are the most precious in the world that you can give and receive. You stole from me somehow.

Some of my problems are probably because of age gap (check my posts), I say "some" not all because I think it could have worked. I am 46 she is 23. We met just before she turned 20. We have both experienced for the past three years the looks and inuendo of our friends and family and the downright glaring disapproval of strangers. Look in retrospect my advice is "don't" if its worth anything, once you are past about 30 the age gap become irrelevent but in your 20s it is important. Even ten years is important at that age. I am trying to think of examples but I can see it in my wife, she will come out to family and friends with me but she often feels out of the loop, I am sure, she makes friends more readily with their (early 20's) kids than with the parents, she has nothing to talk to my friends about and she is an extremely intelligent and well developed woman. Like it or not we will develop along the lines of how we perceive ourselves and how other people see and reflect us. Our culture casts a stigma on the very young wife and this is something you would have to live with for ever, it will affect you. Sorry for the doom and gloom. I feel like Marvin the Paranoid Android (if you don't know Marvin don't go out with you Aussie man any more (BTW, I am also an Aussie male, love your comments about the accent).

Thanks for all of your feedback and thoughts. I will clarify a couple of things, I did know she was chatting to people, male and female for some time and that she lightly flirts. I spoke to her about this and said that she needed to be careful but that I trusted her and she must make up her own mind what the limits should be (within reason). She is young, I did not want be controlling, I think in a relationship jealousy is very damaging so of course a degree fo trust is always necessary. Besides when we spoke of this she looked may straight in the eye several times and told "you know I would NEVER leave you, I love you so much". It was te extent of her behaviour that hit me like a truck when I found out, she was sharing genital photos with guys of their ex-grilfriends and themselves, this is unhealthy stuff. The affair is another matter, I knew that she had seen this guy with a group of her girlfriends as one of the crowd a few times, it was on Wednesday this week that I found out that they had been intimate together many times over an extended period (a year?). I think this is the worst pain of all, this is a woman who wakes herself when I go to work every morning (I leave early) to make a point of telling me she loves me and so on before going back to sleep. She has always been in my bed when I wake up in the morning, she must have "slept" with this guy and then come back and lay with me, same night. I don't care if it was last year and hasn't happened for six months the pain is horrendous. It seems the only reason it stopped is that we moved to the UK! I hope that the comments in one of your posts is true. I hope that if I can get an agreed list of behaviours she will change and an agreement with her as to what I can do to meet her needs then we can work this out. I hope so, I will try. The pain is still so new and raw.

I have been through the same experience Matthew but more recently, she had the affair some time ago and continued it in cyberspace. I recently discovered she is chatting-up guys on the Internet and sharing pics and webcam. I confronted her with this and first she broke down and volunteered to move out saying that she knows she has a problem. She is 23 years younger than me at 23. I am going to work with her, to try to help her get past this, she has committed to me that she wants to, I married her because I love her and love is not killed because she has flaws, I love her all the same. If she can't overcome what IS a problem then we will reconsider in the future but for now will try. I hope this is of some help.

Agree, you have a brain, you have a conscience, thats what makes you different to an animal. Think about this, if you thnk it would be difficult to leave her now and go your own way to spread your seed as it were I can tell you from bitter experience that, no matter who initiates a breakup later WHEN you get caught and she gets hurt, you WILL suffer badly, seperation/divorce and dissolution of a trusting relationship are devastating experiences. Take a look at your right hand man. Know what its for? get on with it.

My wife has been doing the something and the problem has gradually worsened. She has got to the stage now of chatting with nearly a dozen guys at a time to whom she sends pictures and I suspect even videos of herself. I recently found out by accident about this as she left email open on my computer and I found that not only did she have an affair a year ago that she was continuing via the net but she has been arranging meetings and getting phone calls and texts from a variety of men. I confronted her with all this, even told he she must leave that I couldn't stand it any more and to my surprise she has admitted that she thinks she has a real problem. She says she has a problem controlling the extent to which the chatting goes and she gets curioser and curioser to meet and see more of the other person. To cut this story short we have been apart for a couple of days and she is promising now to cut off all ties with these people and remove them herslef from her computer but she also asked me not to spy on her because she feels that this would make her life too miserbale (living under suspicion as it were). I am going to try, I believe her, I love her, I really think she loves me and I want to give her this chance. Has anyone else had such an experience? Can we get through it? Am I being naive?