ultraviolet

I think we're born "shy," but parents can have a powerful influence as to how introverted we truly become. I've seen this with my own nephew. He was born an introvert in an extroverted family. But his parents both work, so he's had to get used to being taken care of by a big extended family network and deal with lots of social interaction that he might not have innately preferred to participate in. But because the majority of these interactions have been positive loving, fun experiences, he's slowly learned to trust others (by trusting his parents, etc.) and come out of his shell. He is always a little slower than his extroverted sisters to warm up to strangers, but he doesn't hide from new acquaintances or avoid them like he did when he was a lot younger. I attribute this to his parent's loving determination to give their children as many positive opportunities to socialize as possible and to keep unhealthy fear (in this case shyness) from allowing them to grow as social individuals. I really observe their family interactions with interest, because I myself am a shy person and to this day I find it awkward at times to meet new people. But I would never 'blame' the way I am on my parents. It's been pretty clear to my extroverted family from day one that I was born an introvert. They and my godmother who babysat me have told me numerous time that when I was little I tended to be 'crabby' and cry a lot especially if I was forced to be around large groups of people. As for your conclusions, I don't find any of them to be true for me. Being an introvert for me has a more to do with my feelings (very emotional, sensitive, thus social interactions seem very overwhelming) and the way I see myself (a tendency to be too nice and thereforeeee vulnerable) in the world versus anything my parents may or may not have done. For instance... (1) I was brought up by both parents in a loving home. (2) I was allowed to go out and play as long as I finished my homework. In fact my parents were always encouraging me to go out and exercise and socialize more. (3) I was the oldest child. I wouldn't say I was dominant, but being that I had a 7 year head start over my sibling, I'd definitely say I was a benign ruler. (4) My parents weren't social butterflies, but they weren't shy either. As a family we'd play sports with a large group of friends once a week and attend informal parties with the same group at least once a month. (5) No physical or sexual abuse, unless you count the occasional spanking as such. If there's one thing I do wish my parents did differently, it's that I wish they encouraged me more to focus on my strengths. As I excelled in school and teachers complimented me, I grew out of my shell and became more confident. I think parents who tend to focus on what's 'wrong' with their child instead of celebrating what's right, shouldn't be surprised if they children struggle to find their place in the world. One more story: I have a male friend who's even shyer than me. But unlike him I do not believe that it's so "okay" to use shyness as an excuse not to make an effort to socialize with others. His parents are both shy and they let him excuse his refusal to interact with others because he's so "smart" and special. As a result he has little to no social skills and although he graduated from college with honors, he couldn't land one internship which unfortunately has practically limited all chances for him to get a good paying job in his field. Since graduation, he's had one job for 6 months where he kept to himself and deliberately refused to 'fit in' in terms of dress and participation in company charity events because in his words "The quality of my work is all that should matter." Unfortunately it did matter and he was the first to be fired when things got bad. I mention him, because although his parents both being shy may have biologically contributed to his being born shy, I believe the way they raised him ("It's okay to avoid making small talk and getting to know people if you don't want to, because you're smarter than them.") is what's really hurting him today. If they had raised him, like my nephew was raised, I think his life would have been completely different and that he'd be one of the most well paid and respected men in his field. Instead he's bitter, has no friends (except me and even that's "shaky"), and whenever things go wrong for him, he blames everyone else for not getting how 'special' he truly is. Being fired woke up him to the reality that the world isn't going to spoon feed you like your parents for being "special," but unfortunately he still chooses to cling to the belief that if you're smart and just work harder than anyone else in this office, that people will like you and want to work and be friends with you. I think it might take a couple of more bad experiences in the working world before he realizes that how well you "fit in" (or at least try!) is just as important.

I'm trying to lose weight and get my finances in order. I've found that I'm more likely to follow through on my daily intentions (and ultimately my life goals) if I first Take the time to make a list of all the reasons why I want to accomplish "X." i.e. Why is losing weight or getting my finances important to me? Post this list somewhere where you can see it every morning so that when you're later faced with temptation or the urge to avoid what's in your best interest, you'll keep in mind what's really important TO YOU. Secondly, keep a running list (preferably on a legal notepad so that you can see the list at a glacne) of everything you'd like to accomplish large and small. Don't worry about the order of things. Just write them down when you think of them and go back and number them later (according to order of importance.) Tackle the most important ones first and cross off your accomplishments.

You deserve closure, but unless you broach the subject, I don't see Mr. "I'm Too Cowardly To Inform You I'm Back With My Girlfriend" stepping up the plate. To me his actions and lack thereof tell you everything you need to know. He's a friend but he had no excuse for the way he treated you so rather than screw things up further, he's decided to pretend that you never hooked up. If you need the apology (I know I would), definitely speak up. Tell him that you understand if he decided that he'd rather be with her, but how as a friend you deserved to hear it from him first. Sometimes people don't realize how pretending nothing happened, actually hurts others more by making them feel like they and their feelings never mattered.

Can you really be her friend at this point? Ever? Be honest with yourself, then her. With time it's possible to be friends with Ex's if the two people involved are mature and don't play games. If you really want to keep her in your life, perhaps it'd help to set up a future date to meetup, say 6 months down the road?

Ren, I'm a fellow shopaholic and I think it's really simple to understand why we shop. You don't "treat" yourself because you secretly have some need to have your self-esteem lowered when you have to ask your parents for more money. You "treat" yourself, because shopping makes you feel happy and helps to temporarily fill up the deep hunger to be loved and cherished. Shopping also helps us to buy the things we feel might just "fix" us (haircuts, makeup etc.) and make us more attractive ("worth loving") to others. Unfortunately the shopping is hurting you because it traps you in this vicious cycle where you buy things to feel better, but then you feel bad because you have to ask your parents for more money in order to keep feeling good. In reality there's nothing wrong with us that shopping can solve, because the problem isn't materialistic, it's a problem of self-worth. We know this and yet and we try to fill the emptiness with "things" because it's an easy, fun way to feel good when what we really want and need is the love, nurturing, and understanding we didn't receive as children. I believe you have the intelligence and insight to solve this problem if you really want to. The question is "What can you do to truly feel loved, validated, nurtured, and good about yourself without spending money?"

I'm glad you had a great time in Vegas with your relatives but I'm sorry to hear your Mom was up to her usual tricks. I think Awdree's right about your Mom being jealous, but I also think she's afraid of losing you (and control over you.) This is why she's always offering to buy you things (like nice slacks), but at the same time she's always insulting your appearance and saying you "embarrass" her. I don't know about you, but if someone was constantly embarrassing me, I'd try to spend less time with them, not more, know what I mean? For someone who's so embarrassed by you, don't you find it interesting how much she relies on you to speak for her, attend social functions, etc.? My mom's a lot like yours and all I can tell you is I hope that in time you'll see that her hurtful words have a lot more to do with her and how she perceives herself than they ever had to do with you. One thing I've noticed is that people who are living a meaningful life don't tend to feel the need to tear others down. If you can look at your Mom as if you've never met her before, what do you see? Can you see why she might feel the need to make others miserable to feel like she has some sort of control over her life? (Not that any of it should be excusable. I'm just hoping that a different way of looking at her might free from you from accepting her words as fact in the same way that changing my perceptions helped me. Good luck!)

Great advice all around but I specifically like Brawnee's idea of coming up with a list of things you can do instead of calling. Make a pact with yourself that from this moment on you will NOT call him at work unless it's an emergency. An emergency is NOT that you're feeling upset or that you didn't get to say everything you needed to say. An emergency is a matter of life and death. Period. Keep this pact but honor your own needs to communicate. Every time the urge hits to talk to him, grab a notebook and write out what you want to say to him so that you can get all your feelings out uncensored. Write out what you wish were different, how you wish he, others, and you would act to resolve whatever's bothering you. Put the notebook aside, tell yourself you'll talk to him later about what you've written and then go out and do something from that list of ideas. If you keep doing this I think you'll find that it gets easier and easier to control yourself and feel heard, yet keep your relationship and self-respect in tact. When I was going through something similar, I kept a counting device with me and clicked it every time I thought of calling him. I think it'd help you to do something similar and see for yourself how much you're obsessing because when you're focused on dialing him, you're caught up in the moment and your need to be heard and not looking at the bigger picture of just irrational and maddening your actions can be. Counting is also a great way to gage your own progress as the number of clicks should go down steadily day by day and week by week.

You've been given lots of great advice. I just wanted to add that when I was on meds and they were making me tired, I talked to my doctor who suggested I switch the time of day I take them. I was taking them in the morning and was exhausted for the rest of the day, so I started taking them in the evening with dinner. Voila! Problem solved. I'm no longer on the meds because I like you hate the side effects, but I'm not necessarily anti-meds. Antidepressants helped lessen the dramatic highs and lows of my emotions while I was in therapy until I was ready to handle them alone. The interesting thing to me is that after being on the meds for two years, it's like my brain has been trained to stay "calm" in the face of stress. I'm still me, a person who tends to be ruled by her emotions, but now I'm a calmer me who takes a step back to reevaluate a situation before I jump to conclusions. I believe antidepressants have their place in therapy, but like anything else they shouldn't be a long term emotional crutch. I was told I'd probably have to take those pills for the rest of my life because my depression was due to the "fact" that my brain wasn't manufacturing enough serotonin. Although it's true that serotonin averages tends to be lower in individuals who are depressed versus the average population, this pronouncement was made to me based on my being depressed (something I stated), not due to any blood work or test that was ever performed on me (Why? Because there is no test!) and dosage adjustments were always based on feedback I gave the doctor as to how I was feeling. So if you feel the meds have outlived their usefulness or are harming more than helping you, you have every right to stop taking them, but please don't do so without consulting your doctor. Withdrawal symptoms can be unbearable and sometimes life threatening. It's best to taper off these brain altering drugs gradually (smaller and smaller dosages) and over a period of several weeks. IMHO, the very idea that we have to take these pills for the rest of our lives due to some inborn serotonin deficit is BS the pharmaceutical companies feed the doctors to feed us so that we'll keep boosting their bottom line. What these people don't tell you is that there are plenty of other natural things you can do to boost your serotonin (like diet, sleep, and exercise) that are just as effective, but healthier, safer, and cheaper. More below... The Anti-Depressant Fact Book: What Your Doctor Won't Tell You About Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Celexa, and Luvox by Peter R. Breggin, M.D.

Welcome to Enot Ben! You're driving yourself crazy over the little things, because you really care about this girl and you're afraid of losing her. Chris and his schemes don't help things either! BUT If you truly believe she loves you and wouldn't lie to you, then you need to have faith in yourself, in her, and what you have with each other. I've been in internet relationships and I've also had long distance relationships. It's difficult, but when I finally faced my fears I realized that most of them had very little to do with the person that I loved and everything to do with my own insecurities. She sounds like she feels the same way about losing you. If that's the case, you both need to talk about how you feel and what you can do for each other to alleviate these fears. If you're both open and honest with each other, there's no need for fear or second guesses. The rest of the time I'd spend with her I'd spend making plans for now and in December! Just because you're not in the same country, doesn't mean you can't "date." For example: Last Valentine's I had dinner with my love long distance over the phone. We've watched tv together while IM'ing and we've had bubble baths over the phone too. Focus on what you'd love to do together and where you'd love to go when you finally do meet. Make the little time you have together pleasurable so that she enjoys, looks forward to, and wants to spend more time with you. Woo her and it won't matter what anyone else says... You'll both know that you're the center of each other's universe. Good luck!

Your bf sounds deeply depressed. I believe he does truly love you, but when he's depressed, everything hurts... In the depressed mind, the most innocent words and glances get twisted into judgements, rejections, inditements. This is why he pushes people away. It hurts to be with them. And it also hurts to see others happy and enjoying life when all he can see is what's wrong with life. He needs help. It's like he's drowning in darkness. Be there for him (listen, hold him, accept him as is) but you have to take care of yourself as well. He's not lying to you. He loves you, but he can't be there for you when he can't even take care of himself emotionally. Talk to him about getting help. Tell him you're worried and you love him. If he refuses, enlist family and friends to talk to him as a group. Tell him you'll do the leg work. You'll find him a counselor, set up an appointment with a doctor, whatever it takes. Often times depressed people really do want help. They just don't have the energy or self worth to seek it themselves. Good luck. I'm here for you if you need need an extra shoulder to lean on.

Forget the friend for now. Whether or not what he texted is true, I'd believe what you saw with your own eyes merits a talk. Even if you were seeing things through the eyes of beer goggles and jealousy, if you two are committed to each other, your bf should care about your feelings and tone down the partying if he knows that what might result would hurt you and the relationship. Give him a chance to make amends. He doesn't have to stop partying, but if he refuses to change at all, you'll have to decide if this is the kind of guy you want to continue to invest your feelings in.

The acid test for me is does he feel like "home" to me? I want someone who understands me intimately and who wants to make me as happy as I want to make him. If you can't see yourself spending the rest of your life with a man, then you probably haven't met the right man. I believe if you were truly happy in a relationship, there'd be very little doubt, if any, because he'd be satisfying your most important needs. It might be useful to be a little introspective. Ask yourself what was missing in these relationships. What does your ideal man have? do? be? manifest? that you didn't see in these men? What made you hesitate? Once you know what you want, it makes it more difficult to settle for anything less.

I think you're off to a good start. You recognize that you're getting way to obsessed and it isn't healthy. The question you need to ask yourself is "Why do you have a tendency to get obsessed?" Being together (can help relationships grow, but doesn't insure anything) so what is it that you fear when you're apart? I can't speak for you, but I've been in your shoes and alternatively I've been the object of obsession. What I've found is that when I was obsessed, it was because I put the other person on a pedestal and made how they felt about me the source of my esteem and self worth.

From everything you've said, it sounds like your gf stopped going to the bar because she thought it was the best for both of you. I can understand why you'd feel guilty, but if she made the choice of her own volition, there's no need to feel guilt. If you want to talk about it again just to let her know the full extent of your feelings, I don't see the harm in it. But it might be more useful and amusing to ask her how you could make things more fun for her now that she has a little more free time on her hands. As for her hypocrisy regarding her advice to her sister, when the topic comes up again instead of pointing out her hypocrisy, I'd say something empathetic to her like "It must be difficult watching your sister get hurt." Think of it like this: When she yells at her sister, she's really yelling at herself for all the times she caved, went to the bar, and let the Ex upset her. This isn't about "fairness", but about her own confusion and pain.

Crazy, You don't have a dilemma. You have an opportunity! Go for it! I know it's difficult when you're shy, but trust me the risk is more than worth it! Ask him out for lunch. If you're shy, make it a group date. If he stupidly asks "Why?" tell him you're going to be leaving soon and you just wanted to spend a little time with everyone before you leave. If things go well, smile warmly and let him know you'd like to do it again sometime. Hopefully he'll get the hint! And when you do leave, be sure to make up some business cards with your contact info to pass out on your last day. It never hurts to keep in touch and you never know who might just finally get up the courage to call.

Welcome to Enot Souldoubted! I've been in your shoes before and it's difficult. Sometimes people tend to be "takers" not necessarily because they're selfish, but because they're used to being helped, not helping. Rather than make yourself feel hurt and angry by focusing on what's missing in the friendship, I think it's more productive to focus on what you'd like to see change and be the catalyst for that change. Teach your friend HOW to best be your friend. Come up with a list of ways she could show you that she cares about you. Think about all the times you felt she failed to meet your expectations friendshipwise and write down what she could have done differently. Then when you're ready and calm (!!!), go and have the talk but keep the focus of the conversation on you and what you need. Explain to them how you love being friends with them, but sometimes you just need them to be there for you. Explain how they can best meet your needs by giving them concrete examples of how you'd like to be treated and things you've done for them that you'd like done for you. When they do try, give them positive reinforcement and when they fail, ask them (again!!!) for what it is you need in that moment. Hopefully in time, you won't have to prompt them as much. Good luck!

I agree with the advice you've been given. Let him make the next move. If you try to talk to him about 'salvaging something' (clinginess can be suffocating), you risk creating an even more awkward situation between you and that's the last thing you want. Give Tom his space, but if you see him smile and act as if nothing's happened. You didn't do anything wrong. He was just caught off guard or doesn't like holding hands in general. No need to beat yourself up over a moment of spontaneous affection. You have a loving heart. If he can't handle that, well he probably isn't the right guy for you anyway. * Hugs *

Clothing is OK but unless you know a person's tastes really well, you might want to try a fun gift like tickets (movies? concerts? shows?) to something you'd both enjoy together. Good luck!

Great question! Hmmm.... - Integrity - Their actions match their words/values. - Compassion - They see the world in terms of "We" not "I" - Courage - They do what's right, even if it's painful, inconvenient, and difficult. - They have a tendency to see and look for the good in others. - They pursue a greater good above their own personal gain. - They're forgiving and willing to admit when they they're wrong. - They're problem solvers (do-ers) vs. whiners/complainers. - They treat others with love and respect, even though they may not always receive the same. Note: I admire these qualities because I have so few of them...

Salucious, Genuine confidence (not arrogance or cockiness) is sexy because it comes from knowing what qualities are truly worth knowing and loving about ourselves. Looks are important in the sense that there has to be some semblance of attraction for a romantic relationship to build, but that doesn't mean you have to be coventionally "good looking" to win a girl's heart. In fact, none of the guys I've ever been attracted to, are "handsome" by society's standards (lol my friends are always saying "You like him??? Why???), but to me they're irresistible because they have the mysterious blend of inner qualities (intelligence, wit, verbally playfullness, creativity, kind-heartedness and romanticism) that drive the woman in me crazy. I think it's easier for anyone who's consider "attractive" to be confident, but I don't think that those of us who aren't conventionally pretty or handsome (me included) to use that as an excuse to give up on trying. We need to find confidence in who we ARE, instead of dwelling on what we lack or what we're "not." If you're shy or insecure, focus on what you like about yourself and what inner qualities you have to offer because more likely than not, when a girl does fall for you, those will be the things that make you irresistible to her. Sincerely, Someone who's shy, but playful, intelligent, kindhearted, sensuous, and fun-loving Your turn!

I think it's better for you and the the patients you'd be working with if you didn't work at the care home. Obviously you're heart isn't it no matter how "perfect" this job seems to your parents and to pretend otherwise is only to delay the inevitable... You'll either quit and/or come to resent your situation and take that out on the patients. But if you're not going to work there, the best time to break the news to them is by showing the initiative to find employment you ARE willing to do. Even if a job doesn't exactly relate to your career choice, the connections and skills you learn there can always translate to other fields. You might also consider doing a volunteer job in addition to one that pays to acquire experience in your field. The main thing is your parents don't want to see you spending this year on the couch. So Deal... or No Deal???

Have you thought about teaching English there? As for how much it costs to live in Japan (or any country!), you might want to check out: link removed link removed is a website for meeting and chatting with people who are exploring their options to live/study/work around the world. Type "Japan" into the search engine and discussions, articles, and contact information for other iAgora members who currently live there will pop up.

Your hesitation is understandable. My best friend came out to me during college, but only after taking the time to find and get comfortable with her sexual identity at her university. What helped her was joining lesbian/gay organizations on campus and making friends. (She went so far as to sleep with a guy friend to see if she felt differently, but I don't recommend that.) She eventually met a girl that she couldn't get out of her mind and they started dating. Don't force things, don't worry about labels... just be open. When it's right, you'll know.

I wouldn't overthink this one. You want her as a friend and she extended an olive leaf indicating she's interested in the same. So it's all good! But I will say this: If it were me, I would think you were flirting and interested...

I realize you're tried talking sensibly before and moving out temporarily, but these options didn't work with your fiance, because you didn't really MEAN what you said. You came back and you grudgingly accept your situation without any of your conditions being met. That's why I emphasized earlier that you have to MEAN what you say. If you truly find this situation intolerable, you have to walk away for good if she refuses to change. I'm just a pushover and try to give the other side every absolute possible chance to come to an agreement before I walk out the door. I believe at some point your fiance will see the light. The cost of loving her dysfunctional daughter is tolerable because she knows she always has you and your financial and emotional support to rely on. What if she didn't??? Would her daughter's tendency to call the cops (by the way accusing your son of molesting her daughter is heinous! She's actually hurting your kids too!?! Grrrrr.) seem so cute if your fiance had to endure this madness alone??? Something has to give, but someone has to decide at some point that the madness has to stop, and that one person's need to always have their way isn't worth the cost of everyone else's happiness.