smallworld

Hey Jewelz, I PM'd you the rest, but here's my take on your questions. (Note these answers apply to you & Mike too.) can it possibly work out with them if it didn't the first time? - Yes, if they work through and resolve whatever issues originally split them up. if not likely...how long would you give their relationship? - I can't say. The answer depends upon how challenging their problems are and how much they're both willing to sacrifice to resolve them. how often does it work the second time around for couples if they had been together for a long time and broken up before? - Even if I could give you a statistic, it'd be meaningless, because each case is different. If he had ended your relationship kindly, I would have suggested that you take time to heal your heart and wait no longer than 3-6 months to date others. But in this case, I suggest moving on ASAP, because his callousness was deployed not in anger (a ruse), but to destroy all hope. do you think he will contact me? - No, not as long as he and Wendy are doing well. do guys ever contact girls after huge blow outs like this? - They do, but only if they get dumped again or realize going back was a mistake. Oh yes there's one more possible reason: If they decide they're "confused" and choose not to choose, thereby getting to date both women simultaneously. do you think he will realize he made a mistake?... - I can't say. If Wendy fulfills his needs, then he may never think he made a mistake by leaving you. (Again, this is no reflection upon you, your self-worth, or the sincerity of your feelings for him. He just prefers Wendy more.) do you think he would've gone back to her even if we hadn't have gotten in that argument? - If you hadn't gotten into that argument, Mike would have left anyways. He enjoyed what you had together while Wendy was unavailable, but the bottom line is he wanted to be with Wendy MORE than he wanted to be with you. So he "manufactured" a reason to dump you! There's nothing you could have said or done differently, because a man who wants out will always find some other excuse to end the relationship. One day I'm sure he'll realize what an idiot he's been and regret his actions. Hopefully you've have come to the same conclusion and have moved on by then. We teach others how to treat us. So in the meanwhile, please spoil yourself rotten and lavish the love that you're used to giving him on yourself. Lots of ice cream, funny movies, and pointless shopping are in order until you realize you deserve better!!! Take care!!! Smallworld

Hi Linzy, I read your old posts for backstory and found this OK. I know you want to think he's changed his feelings for you, but he's clearly pining for this other chick who isn't you. It isn't fair and it's driving you crazy I'm sure. But deep down you know that if he really wanted to date you, there's nothing stopping him. I know this feels like the end of the world, but it really isn't. If he doesn't like you that way, it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or that you'll never be happy or experience love. It just means that this one boy doesn't feel exactly the same way you do. Like you did for him, I could tell you, you deserve much better, but I doubt you'll listen. Like him, you're choosing to pine over someone, because you're not ready to let go. So I'll just say, the more you focus on something you can't change (his feelings), the more it's going to hurt, but we'll be here for you if you need to talk. Take care!

Being ready to have sex isn't just about intercourse. It's about being ready to deal with the consequences. What if the condom breaks? What if she gets pregnant? Are you read to be a father? If you can't answer these questions, then in all honesty you probably shouldn't be having sex. If you're going to use condoms, you're going to need way more than one. Usually it takes a few tries to learn how to put one on, so bring the whole darn pack. Better yet, practice at home. One more thing: You seem to want to have a "bigger orgasm" your first time, because you want to impress your gf. The truth is if this is her first time having sex, the size of your orgasm isn't even on her list. She's more concerned with how much it's going to hurt. If you really love her and want to impress her, focus on how to give her a bigger orgasm and she'll reciprocate in kind.

Hi Julie, It broke my heart to read your story. I don't know if Mike will ever come back, but to be honest I don't think he deserves to. 1. He baited you into interrogating his son and then summarily dumped you for doing just that. (Personally I think he did this just to have an "excuse" to dump you.) 2. He lied to you about seeing his Mom when he was really seeing Wendy. 3. He categorized your relationship to her as "nothing serious." 4. His responded to your attempts to get closure with callousness: "we're done," "leave me alone," & no response. No matter how good things were before, Mike clearly isn't treating you NOW with the love and respect you deserve. It's evident that you really care for him, you're honoring his wishes, and have tried to end this relationship maturely. The question is "Why is it that the only person that seems to matter in this relationship is Mike?" Don't you matter? Don't the kids matter? Didn't the two months matter??? Answer those questions and I think a well-educated, intelligent woman like yourself will know what to do.

Unless you plan to spend your entire relationship on the phone or online, I wouldn't worry about it. It probably just means you're a little self-conscious and prefer talking face to face. If she's the same way, well that's just one more thing you have in common, right?

Meiscreative, I agree with Kskm and think you should wait until you're 18. But I also know that you're young and no number of should's and shouldn'ts ever had sway over me when I was your age, so I'm just going to point out the red flags and let you decide if this "older" guy is worth the trouble. 1. He's a teacher who's abusing his position of authority and he knows it. To you it may seem highly romantic that this man is showing interest in you, but the reality is he's an adult who knows what he's doing is wrong. All teachers are required to take workshops about how to motivate students while avoiding any hint of impropriety. My bro-in-law teaches, but will only meet with a student after class if another female teacher is present. Why? Because he could lose his career and go to jail if something happened and he values his vocation too much to ever make such a mistake. This guy on the other hand is flirting and telling you dirty jokes. What does this tell you about his character? 2. He's married. Immorality aside, could you honestly enjoy having a relationship with this guy knowing how much it will hurt his wife if she ever found out? Are you willing to split them up? If he left his wife, could you ever really trust him not to do the same thing to you someday with some other student? And if he never left her, how would you feel? 3. He's not treating you with respect (i.e. dirty jokes). If he really cared about you, he'd speak to you with respect, ask you questions about your goals, and he'd want what's in your long-term best interests. He wouldn't risk doing anything that might impact your future negatively and he'd divorce his wife and wait until you're an 18 before he ever made a move on you. The fact that he's telling you dirty jokes and toying with your feelings, tells me he's not looking for a relationship, but an underage fling. 4. He's making you feel confused and ugly. Real love isn't selfish. Real love makes us feel safe, happy, & good about ourselves, and it recognizes what makes us beautiful inside and out. If you feel ugly (dirty), it's because what he likes most about you is not your maturity, personality, talents, or good heart: It's that you're young, physically attractive, and he wants to bed you. Sex is an important, healthy part of any romantic relationship, but it's net result should make you feel loved, not ugly. So - What do you think???

Ripped from the greatest movie of all time "Napoleon Dynamite" : Napoleon: "Well, nobody's gonna go out with me." Pedro: "Have you asked anybody yet?" Napoleon: "No, but who would? I don't even have any good skills." Pedro: "What do you mean?" Napoleon: "You know, like nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills. Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills." --- Hey Treble! Don't be so hard on yourself. Being shy is tough. You just need a few minor adjustments in your thinking to break through. The online girls think you're attractive, because you're actually showing them the real you: smart, funny, and confident. It's stupid I know. Girls should like you for your body and your body only , but reality is girls like guys who're fun, interesting, and who've got skills. You've got all three qualities. So why fight it? Romancing women is not that hard. I think you're stuck on the idea that it's your movies that people love, not you. Actually it's the skills (humor, creativity) that you used to make the movie that's got them hot. So why not harness their romantic potential to woo the girls you like??? It only makes sense! If you want a friend, be one. The key is to forget yourself and focus on others. Most people are vain and like it when someone asks them questions about themselves. Start small, crack a joke, ask them "How's it going?", or what they did that weekend, or ask them if they'd like to see your latest production and then show them! If they freak and look at your weird, don't take it personally. You've spent all these years being quiet and sleeping through class, so the new you is going to take a little to getting used to. Just keep plugging at it and make it your biz to have fun and you'll naturally draw in the fun-loving people. One more thing: Losers make fun of others because they need to tear someone down, in order to feel good about themselves. When my husband was a teenager, his cousin (same grade) found it funny one morning to take a running leap and knock the wind out of him with a swift kick to the chest. The cousin found it so funny in fact, that he started doing it every morning until my guy rewarded him with a hard punch to the stomach. I'm not advocating violence, but the moral of this story is stop being an easy target. Use your humor to put the bullies back in their place. Give as good as you get and people will respect you. Good luck!

Kudos Blue53! 8) If you ever doubt your decision, rent "Fatal Attraction." I've found the best way to get over these things is to channel a bit of that heat you felt for the interloper and reinvest it in your spouse. Maybe rent a fireman's uniform and do a sexy little dance in Mrs. Blue53's honor?

You're most welcome! Hope I didn't come off as a know it all. I write what I write, because I need to hear it too. Take care!!!

Welcome GrottoNymph!!! (lovely name btw!) I lived in Seattle four years so I'm very familiar with what you're talking about. I apologize for taking so long to respond to your post, but I've been mulling over what to say to you. Your feelings sound so raw and I didn't want to say the wrong thing or seem to make light of your situation. I'm sure the 36 other people that have read your post feel the same way. So please don't take it personally. None of us are experts and we can only give advice on things we're familiar with. I really admire and feel for you. Life keeps throwing you all kinds of challenges, and yet you've fought back every step of the way and now you're in college making good grades. That's quite an admirable accomplishment! Kudos!!! 8) I know it's hard to think this way when you're down, but being let go from the temp jobs and the minimum wage job doesn't necessarily mean that there's something wrong with you. It may very well be that you're too good of a worker and as a result the work dried up, or the employers misled you about about how much of your employment they really needed, or your work ethic was making the "regulars" look bad and they poisoned the management against you. (I've actually had to leave a retail job where I was falsely accused of stealing by co-workers who were passed up for my position.) The point is if you did the best that you can do, there's no point in tearing yourself to pieces. Depression is nothing more than dwelling upon ("rehearsing") things we can't change. Naturally the more you ruminate on negative thoughts, the more hopeless and suicidal you feel. Conversely, the more you focus on your accomplishments and acknowledge what personal qualities (intelligence, tenacity, hard work ethic, independence, self-reliance, etc.) and talents got you here, the stronger and more capable you'll feel. Write everything down and post the lists on your bathroom mirror, because it's important that you deliberately remind yourself on a frequent basis what an amazing person you truly are and how far you've come. It's also important to be kind to yourself. If temping is killing your spirit, get a retail job around books, animals, children, art (whatever you love but never have time for.) The pay is low, but so is the stress of having to jump from situation to situation trying to fit in, and then being let go. Working at a university is also a wonderful option, because full-time employees are allowed the privilege of taking courses at greatly reduced cost. I know money's tight, but the library (i.e. self-help books, Kurt Vonnegut novels, funny videos) is always free and on campus you have access to free or low cost career counseling, job placement, and mental health services. Taking care of your health is vitally important to your sense of well-being. If you have the chance, I highly recommend that you hunt down: Feeling Good by David Burns, When Your Body Gets the Blues by Marie Annette Brown. The former will help you challenge and dismantle negative thinking as it happens. The latter is a quick read based on a research study of Seattle women and how a consistent regiment of exercise (walking), vitamin intake, and increased exposure to sunlight reduced their depression in 8 weeks or less. Both books have really changed my life. You may also find it helpful to join a job search group and/or any group on campus or in the community that involves something you enjoy or believe in. Life has thrown you a lot of curve balls lately and I think the emotional support of being around people facing similar problems would be comforting and inspiring. I've also found it personally rewarding to volunteer for organizations where your skills are needed and appreciated. Volunteering would give you a sense of purpose, lots of positive strokes, nurture your talents, build your resume, and allow you to network and make friends with people that could help you transition to the next big thing. You'd be surprised at the kind of amazing people you meet in these organizations who give freely of their time and money. In closing like anyplace else, Seattle isn't immune to the law of supply and demand. You live in a place where the cost of living is high, but so is the unemployment. If all else fails, you may have to be a pragmatist and relocate to a place where financial survival isn't such a struggle. In the meanwhile, you may have to get a few roommates to make rent. You may have to take a few semesters off and/or consider taking several general studies courses at a local community college to rack up your credits but at a much lower cost. Is Seattle really the best place to realize your dreams at this point in time? Only you can decide. If you need to talk, please feel free to PM me. Good luck!

Thanks Richgabe! 8) Vfunny, In reality it doesn't matter what we think. It's your choice and your consequences. But I do think it's strange that you're asking us to validate a choice we don't agree with. Your post wasn't about your "feelings," it was about whether or not you should act on them. If you want validation, google key words: cheaters, affairs. I have, but here's how I chose to deal with those feelings -

Women can and do get turned on by a man's looks, but we hold back, because there's a higher cost to be paid (pregnancy) if we act on our animal instincts. It's not so much that we don't want sex. It's that we don't want sex with the "wrong" man. What turns a woman on varies from woman to woman. If there's one universal turn-on, it's that every woman wants to feel loved & appreciated for who she is physically, mentally, and spiritually. Tap into that (with sincerity) and you'll find yourself "loved" beyond your wildest dreams. 8)

Make as many friends as you can with girls to learn how to talk to them. If you're really shy, start out talking to girls you're not physically attracted to. A girl friend can hook you up (We love playing matchmaker!) and tell you what you might need to do to improve your chances with the female species. The guys aren't going to hook you up. No explanation necessary.

OK, try this experiment. Take your post and everywhere it says "I", substitute the phrase "My husband." Wherever it says "We", substitute the word "They" and change every "He" into a "She." Then tell yourself if you think its okay.

Hi Jordan, I know the discrepancy between your chats online and in person is troubling you, but I really don't think your situation is as bad as you think. The fact that this girl is spending so much time talking to you online, tells me she really likes you. She's shy too so I'm sure she understands your shyness. In fact, she may actually be attracted to you, because you're shy! Personally I've always found shy guys to be attractive, because when they open up to me they're letting me meet someone that not everyone else gets to know. If your shyness in person really bothers you, why don't you talk to her online about your feelings and ask her if it bothers her. I think you'd be happily surprised by what she has to say. And what you learn might actually make it easier for you both to talk in person.

I've only experienced this once in my life, but I'll never forget it... When I was a senior in high school, my friend's college age cousin dropped by. He was very tall, sexy, and confident. When I was introduced to him, he kissed my hand while looking deeply into my eyes and said he was glad to meet my acquaintance. I was instantly smitten by his warm smile and laserlike focus (just like every other girl who met him.) Nothing ever came of that, but oh yeah... I was high off that moment for weeks! With someone you want to date, I think it's good to start small and watch the other person's reaction. If at each milestone, she responds positively, move to the next step: First trying holding her hand. Next putting your arm around at the movies, caressing her shoulder. Kissing her on the cheek, and then slowly kiss her closer and closer until you're kissing her lips. When you reach her neck and start gently kissing her there, she should be like putty in your hands. The rest you'll have to figure out yourself. As for asking a girl out, make the first date short and fun. Ask her if she'd like to eat lunch with you or go on a group date with several other couples. If it goes well, ask her to go see a movie, preferably a romantic comedy. Be chivalrous. Dress nicely. Open doors for her and pull out her chair when you're dining out. If she likes you, these little things will blow her away.

Hey Marmite! (I looked that up by the way. Gross!) I've never been much of a game player, but here's what I know: I wouldn't talk to Charlie. When it comes to love, Charlie's not Abi friend or yours. He likes that Abi still pines for him but not enough to be with her. If you talk to him he's only going to realize that his 'good thing' is at risk and try to win her back for ego's sake. Abi's not over Charlie. The problem is you can't force these things. She's young and sometimes girls have to have their hearts stomped on a few zillion times before they learn that love isn't just a word, it's how a person treats you. In your shoes, I'd take Abi at her word. She's not emotionally available now, but that doesn't mean she couldn't be later. So the smart thing to do would be to flirt with whomever you're interested in (including her), enjoy yourself and see what comes of it. Don't cross her off your list, but don't chase her either. If it was meant to be she'll let you know. And if not, well it's clearly her loss. If you decide she's worth the wait and can keep your expectations low, then I'd go ahead and get her a birthday card and some flowers. Women have been brainwashed for centuries to see flowers as a sign that men think we're beautiful and special. (Don't spend more than $10 = £5.29, because you don't want to go overboard and scare her off.) The best part of it is - the flowers will make Charlie look like chopped liver in comparison. Good luck!

If he doesn't normally behave this coldly, I'd give him some time to sort through his feelings and send him a note telling him you love him and will be there for him when he's ready to talk. Then I'd leave him alone. I'm sure he cares about you, but right now he's in a lot of pain and doesn't have the strength to take care of his emotional needs and yours. He's spending all his time with his family, because he feels they're the only ones who really share and understand his loss. He resents your attempts to force your way into his life, because he feels you're being selfish when you ignore his need for "space." Run down to your library and grab Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. The book explains why men tend to shut down during times of emotional turmoil and how to deal with it. Good luck! I know it's hard, but if you love him you have to respect his wishes and let him heal on his own terms in his own time.

At 33, most women have a clue about the kind of guy they want to marry and have kids with. My best guess is that she likes and enjoys your company (and kissing you!) but she doesn't think you meet her "standards" or are her "type." Please guard your heart and think twice about investing your love in this person. She's been brutally honest with you about not wanting a serious relationship, and yet she has the gall to kiss you and toy with your feelings. If you like being toyed with, enjoy it. If not, maybe it's best if you distance yourself from her until she realizes what a good man she's missing out on.

If you read these boards, you'll notice a lot of people come accross the same problem at some point in their life - They love their partner, but they're not "in love" with them. The doubt typically happens around the 4 year point. Scientists think we evolved a 4-year itch, because that's the amount of time a couple needs to stay together to successfully rear a child through infancy. More info about why we fall in and out of love: link removed link removed So what you're feeling is quite normal. I've experienced it myself, but in my case I came to the conclusion that I'd never want to risk losing what I have. Love isn't just a feeling, it's what we "do", so the more you chat/email/interact with the online guy, the more you invest your emotions in him and the more you're going to feel like you should be with him. The grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side of the ocean. The online guy has an unfair advantage, because you're not living with him and having to deal with the unromantic problems of household chores, paying bills with him, etc. My advice is to take a good hard look at your current relationship and be brutually honest with yourself. Is there really anything wrong with it? Or are you just craving the exciting, heady romantic feelings of the first stage of love? Are you prepared to accept the consequences (losing your partner) if you leave and the other relationship doesn't work out? If you break up, break up because your current relationship isn't right for you, not because you have a "crush" on someone else. It's folly to do so when biology tells us you'll be asking the same questions about the other guy in four years.

Sometimes what seems like a tragedy might actually be the best thing that could happen to us. If you were let go, that's probably a sign your heart wasn't in your job. The good news is now you're free to experiment and try other things. It's okay not to know what to do anymore. Half the people in college don't know what they want to do with their lives, so if you go you'd be in good company. Applying doesn't have to be a big deal. If you want to start right away, check out your local community college and just take one course. The classes are cheaper than at 4 year institutions and you don't have to worry about getting in. If you like it, get a job that pays the bills, but leaves you ample time to study and socialize. Apply for scholarships and grants. If you still don't know what you want to do, take advantage of the free career counseling and job placement office that CC's offer. Take general courses that are required in all universities (English, History, Math, Life Science, etc.) Rack up two years worth of good grades and leadership roles in extracurricular activities, so that you can transfer the credits to a four year university to finish up your degree. It's never too late to start, but deep down you knew were going to do it anyway, so why not start today?

By "straight up therapist" I assume you mean a psychologist (PhD) or a psychiatrist (medical doctor). Most likely you won't see a psychiatrist, because they primarily prescribe pills ($$) and leave the talking therapy to the psychologists or LPCs. My first therapist was a male psychotherapist and my second was a female LPC (Masters in Social Work). To be honest their degrees weren't so important as the rapport between us and how comfortable I felt spilling my guts. I preferred the LPC based on how she ran things, but to this day I don't know if their differences in style were due to training or personality. With the psychotherapist, I did all the talking. And on cue like a sitcom therapist, he'd ask me "How do you feel about that?" If I got quiet, he'd ask me why I got quiet and analyze that. He never told he me what he thought and that drove me nuts. Ironically I did feel better, but that could have been the placebo effect of just being heard. One day he broached a sexual topic, and I thought "Um... you're a male and I'm never going to talk to you about that." Right then, I realized I'd only get so far with this guy, because I'd never be comfortable telling him everything. With the female LPC, I actually got most of my issues out on the table and there was a lot of back and forth going on. Our first session she asked me what I wanted out of the experience and we created a list of goals. She had a more practical common sense approach to therapy and because I was there regarding a relationship issue we didn't waste any time on imaginary Freudian issues. She'd tell me what she thought, but she never told me what to do, because her goal was to make me emotionally self-reliant. She'd draw examples from her life and other patient's lives to show me different ways of dealing with the same problem and to teach me healthier ways of interacting with others and thinking through my problems. The rest was up to me. It was a great experience and I'm a lot better person for it. I hope you'll find it immeasurably rewarding too. OK here's a meaningless task- No matter what you do in the next 5 minutes, do NOT think of a purple elephant. Time's up! What's the first image that popped into your mind? Where in your life are you guilty of thinking of a "purple elephant?" No two thoughts can occupy the same place at the same time. If you don't want to think about purple elephants anymore, think about green baboons or blue giraffes. Volunteer. Perpetrate random acts of kindness. Plan elaborate pranks on friends, then do them. Do anything, but wallow. Purple elephants despite that.

Wow Farewellnote! From your earlier comments I was really concerned by how isolated you seemed to be. I'm impressed with your progress! (Inviting work friends over and seeking out professional help.) It's very encouraging to hear that you're choosing to take care of yourself and trying to have fun. No I don't have any idea what LPC means. Google it. It's good to occupy your mind with meaningless tasks when you're trying to get over a problem. My drug of choice is playing Sims. As for Abi and her texts, human beings aren't logical. They're selfish. They want their cake (friends with homework benefits) and they want their ice cream (other guys) too. You don't have to make any decisions about her today, but just recognize that every time you contact her, you're voluntarily choosing to give her one more opportunity to hurt you. Short of amnesia, she'll never forget you. You helped her survive college and have been a good friend to her. You've loved her at great cost to yourself. The surest way to sear yourself into her brain is to stand up for yourself and tell her she can't have you unless she gives up the other guys, and then mean it. Walk away and don't look back. Let her go crazy for a change. Let her feel what it's like to not have you in her life. If she doesn't come back (and doesn't give up the guys), then you'll know you gave it your best shot and it wasn't meant to be. BTW - Counselors are like any other profession. You'll get much more out of the experience if you like and feel comfortable with the person counseling you. Decide if you'd feel more comfortable working with a man or a woman and request it. It's okay to interview several before you commit to one. If in any way you feel that the counselor is cold or uncaring, keep looking for someone who better fits your needs. Since you're seeking out help with a relationship issue, it probably won't take you more than 6-8 sessions. Heck at the rate you're going, you'll probably only need half that. Good luck!

You seem to be waiting for some particular sign from her before you state your feelings. Any clue what that is?

Blue53, I'm not going to judge you. I've been in your shoes, and I think it's a good sign that you recognized how intimate the moment was and that your attraction to this woman was growing. Your feelings and confusion over them are completely normal. Society tells us once you're married; it's wrong and abnormal to be attracted to anyone else. It's not. The truth is every one of us can be attracted to more than one person at a time. The important thing to recognize is that as in all things in life – You have a choice, but there are consequences. If you let these feelings grow, you'll be tempted to act on them. If you act on them, your wife may find out. If you she finds out, you could hurt her deeply and it could destroy your marriage. The question is - Do you want to go there? Is it worth risking your marriage for whatever you're feeling and fantasizing about this woman? In my case, I decided that my feelings were just feelings. I accepted them as proof that I'm a sexual being, but not as proof that there was anything wrong with either myself or my marriage. I enjoy my fantasies but deliberately keep myself away from temptation. To keep myself honest I tell my husband whenever I have a "crush" (we giggle and he tells me his too), and we're both happier because we accept each other's right to be "human" and because we're consciously reminding each other that we know what we have and would never risk losing it. If you know your wife wouldn't want to hear about your "crushes" then perhaps its best that you don't share them. But I definitely think many more marriages would last and thrive if we could admit to our spouses what we really feel instead of suppressing emotions that are "wrong" (which ironically only seems to increase their power over us and make us question the very sanctity of what we're trying to protect.) Good luck!