smallworld

Oh Wow! Personally I don't think you need advice. Apparently you're playing it just fine. 8) As I mentioned many posts ago, I really think you guys have a good chance because the primary disagreement was commitment. I realize she rebounded right after you split (no excuses for that), but all her actions say to me she never got over you and has always maintained hope of reconciliation in the back of her mind. When a woman falls in love and sees herself getting married and having kids with a man, it's not that easy to get over him. You question your worth, your attractiveness, etc. and the weak ones amongs us rebound for validation. She seems just as scared as you are of saying what she really feels, so she's slowly slinked her way back into your life and now... you're bed! If you want a relationship with her, it's time to ask what's going on. I have no idea how much you should tell her of your own feelings, but I believe you'll know what to say when the time comes. You too have to much history between each other to lie and play games. Life's short. If you want her, go for it. Good luck!

Your sister's mistake was to maintain contact after breaking with him. I know in an ideal world we should be able to remain friends with our Ex's, but this man is unstable and isn't handling the transition to well. Every time she shows she cares by talking to him and giving him books about breaking up, it only reopens the wound and gives him false hope that they'll get back together. It is better to break up in person, but what's done is done. If she feels she owes him closure she can write him one last letter explaining all her reasons. But she needs to make it clear in the letter that it's her final communiqué. Before you go to the police, I highly suggest you run down to the library and check out Gavin de Becker's book The Gift of Fear. (Yesterday I saw the book selling for a buck at Dollar Tree stores. But hurry if you're interested, because these are "remainders" so they're not guaranteed to have back in stock once they sell out.) Gavin de Becker is a high paid security consultant who protects celebrities from stalkers. The book explains what behavior to look out for and how to respond. In general he recommends – No contact. In the book he also explains why he believes getting the police involved (i.e. restraining orders) can sometimes make things worse than if the stalker was just completely ignored. (Hence my ambivalence in this case about a final communiqué.) If you still need more help, I suggest you contact your local women's shelter or YWCA and ask for a counselor. These people are very familiar with the language and behavior of stalking and can counsel your sister on the best course of action. Don't be embarrassed to ask for help. These people would rather help before things escalate. You can't stop him from threatening to reveal personal details to the family. If she thinks he's serious, maybe it's best that she forewarn them. Many minds are better than one and you and your sister need all the wise counsel you can get. Good luck.

Don't add her to your list yet. That would be weird. Start small. Smile at her when you pass her in the hall. Sit by her in class. When you get a homework assignment, ask her to verify what's required. Borrow pencil/paper from her. Grab a happy meal for lunch and when you return the pencil, give her the free toy as a thank you gift. Pick her some flowers and leave it on her desk before class. Look shocked when she accuses you of putting it on her desk. Tell a funny joke. Make friends with her friends, so you'll have even more excuses to hang out with her. Tell her she sounds like she knows what she's talking about in class and ask her to critique your papers. Compliment her on her cool shirt, tennis shoes, earrings, whatever - if she's wearing something cool. I think you get the idea. Just talk to her!

Farewellnote, I was in therapy twice. In both cases it was regarding men whom I loved deeply, but weren't emotionally available and weren't good for me. Like you I didn't want to see the truth because I felt that if I gave up on those relationships, I'd never be happy. What the therapist did for me was to play Devil's Advocate. If I started to talk about all the good things in the relationship, she'd mention the bad. If I started to mention the bad things, she'd remind me of the good. Back and forth, back and forth until I began to see it wasn't either one or the other. The truth was in between. You're right. She's not all bad and it's important to forgive others. The problem is your heart only wants to remember the good, when the reality is that she's using you. I advised you to make a list of her crimes, because you keep choosing to fall for her words and ignore her actions. If she came to you and said "Look I'm sorry. I was an idiot. I don't want to play the field anymore. I only want you," and she owned up to all the hurtful things she's done in the relationship, then you can forgive her and consider taking her back. But right now it's not in your best interests to forgive her. She's shown you repeatedly that as long as you let her date others AND use you, she has absolutely no incentive to change her behavior because she knows you still care and will do anything to stay in her life. The painful truth is as long as you CHOOSE to be her doormat, she'll happily wipe her feet on your heart. The good news is you don't have to be the doormat! You can choose to believe you're a good person and are worth loving. You can choose to make new friends and rebuild old relationships. You can choose to believe that there are other women in the world who will love just as you are. And You can choose to walk away from this relationship because it's not good for you.

Hey LifePuzzle! Remember this? It means Ms. Fleece knew you had the hots for her before you "spent ages talking" and before you convinced her to spend the afternoon playing frisby/ball with you. If she really wasn't interested, that was the time to dash your hopes. She may be the nicest girl in the world, but no girl likes it when someone she's not interested in, keeps pursuing her. It's creepy! So I really think your fear of rejection is preventing from you seeing just how good a sign her acceptance of your invites have been. Have fun at the party! Since she knows that you like-like her, I don't think she'll think it's weird that you're talking to her more. That's what people in like-like do! Just keep being your funny self and give her a chance to sort out her own feelings. She's shy too after all! BTW - If your friends have high expectations, it's probably because they clearly see that you have a good chance with this girl. 8)

Good for you Farewellnote! Well it's obvious why you feel great - You finally stood up for yourself. 8) Sometimes you have to hear things said many times by many people before it sinks in, so here it is again: This girl is NOT for you. If you start to doubt that, write down every cruel thing she's ever done to you. Reread and add to the list until it's seared into your brain because in moments of weakness your heart will try to convince you otherwise. Spoil yourself the next few weeks. Lavish the love you normally give her - on yourself, and laugh because you know what she's missing out on. And most importantly don't let her back into your life in any form!!!

It's okay to be defensive. Actually I'd like to apologize for my advice coming out so harsh. I'm glad you have options. My friend didn't and I just didn't want anyone to go through what she's experiencing. She basically was trapped in her house (section 8 housing) because she couldn't rely on anyone and getting a job wasn't an option because her son (on 5 different meds) kept her up all night and too exhausted to work. The only money coming in was from the disability checks, foodstamps, and what she could beg off friends. As you can imagine, she can't keep very many friends. Her family had disowned her years ago. You sound like you're in a better position than her and are doing the best you can in a tough situation. I admire you for having the courage to accept help from social services. (My friend had a breakdown and her son was taken away from her for 3 months, so I know how humiliating it can be to have SS step in.) If SS is pressuring you for an answer, I'd tell them you're staying married. Even if you don't intend to, your husband obviously needs the training b/c it was his temper that started this mess. He might not interact with his stepson after you're divorced, but I'm sure he'll want to visit his biological son and the training will help him learn how to be a better parent, period. Preventing future problems is vital. You seem like a strong person who doesn't normally ask others for help. I know you'd rather be self sufficient, but I'm sure your family loves you and wants what's best for you and the kids. If you have to rely on them for a while, do it. That's what family's for! One last thing: It takes guts to start a business! If you have the talent to sell your work to one customer, than you can do it again with multiple customers. I really recommend you check SCORE out and get a free biz mentor. Maybe things aren't as bad as they seem. Maybe this biz could be your ticket to financial stability. 8) Good luck!

Thanks for the encouragement Alabama! I just have to remember I survived it all these years and I can do it again. The adult side of me thinks I should write the letter, but I know the minute I send it, I'd be obsessing about his reaction or lack thereof. So I think I'll just be a wuss and let my husband tell him I'm not interested or "It's not healthy for her" or "She's got too much on her plate" or some other lame excuse the next time they meet. I haven't responded to any of his attempts to get a hold of me, so I'm sure he'll eventually get it. Since he called, I've been puzzled as to why I still care after all these years. Reading these posts made it clear: It wasn't the rejection that hurt so much (I was expecting it), but the fact that he never acknowledged all the love and support I did give him. His recent assumption that I'm just ready and waiting to counsel his wife, underlined all this for me. I acknowledge that it was my fault for ever putting myself in that position. Believe me - I've definitely learned my lesson!!! Anyway, to all who've made it thus far, thanks for reading all this. I think I'll keep my loopliness to myself now.

I was in your situation 11 years ago and managed to keep my feelings to myself for 4 years: link removed In my situation, it didn't work out. We're no longer friends. (My choice.) But I don't regret telling him. I had to do it for ME. Keeping it inside was killing me and like you I felt I had to tell him, because he was just beginning a relationship with someone. The door was closing and I knew if I didn't tell him, he could very well get married and never know how I really felt about him. If I had to do it again, I'd have told him A LOT sooner. Until I did I was constantly obsessing about him and what to do. I was hinging all my happiness on this one guy and felt if it didn't work out, I'd never be happy. I was emotionally closed to anyone who might have been better for me, because I was investing all my love and time on him. Please don't fall in the same trap. The h?ll you're feeling right now is actually much more painful than knowing the truth (which might actually be good news in your case.) Whatever you decide, do it for YOU, ok? You deserve to be happy.

Only she knows why she does what she does, but when I was severely depressed and my bf (now husband) tried to cheer me up, his cheerfulness seemed "fake" (in contrast to what I was feeling) and thereforeeee irritating. I felt like the more he tried to cheer me up, the more he was belittling how serious some issue was to me and that he just wanted me to slap a "happy face sticker" on the situation. I felt he didn't really understand me and that made me feel even more alone and misunderstood. I'm not saying you did anything wrong, I just thought I'd give you a glimpse of how she might be thinking. With depressed people, it's usually better if you let them talk instead of trying to fix them. They need to be listened to and understood in order to get better. The other thing is when you're depressed, you hate yourself and you don't believe anyone who says they like you. The most fantastic guy in the world can walk into your life and say "I love you," but when you hate yourself and you're used to jerks, you see that guy and tell yourself things like "He's only saying it, because he's doesn't know who I really am," or because he's desperate, stupid, or crazy. You get scared because things are going too well. You're not used to being happy so you test the fantastic guy's love by pushing him away to see if he gives up and when he actually grows a backbone, you reel him back in because you're scared to death that you'll never see him again. You go cold because all the pushing and pulling makes you realize you're actually falling for the fantastic guy and you don't know what the heck you want, because both having and losing him are too painful to contemplate. I can't say with any certainty that's what she's feeling, but she's definitely running from something. (Do you know if your ex has ever been abused? It seems odd that she needs to drink to enjoy social situations.) Until she realizes that she wants the fantastic guy in her life, I think you need to let her run around in circles for awhile. If you ever hope to have her back in your life, she really needs to feel the void of your absense and figure out for herself that you're worth the risk. It was only when I truly thought I lost my boyfriend to someone else, did I come to appreciate how much he really meant to me and what an idiot I was to let fear stop me from loving from and being loved. But even then, his love wasn't enough to fix me. No one's love is. I still had to take responsibility for my own happiness and do the therapy work required to learn healthier ways to battle depression.

Thanks Michele & Lady00! I had a good cry this afternoon, but reading your posts made me feel loads better. I really needed to hear it was okay not to be his friend again. I got over this guy by convincing myself that he never gave a damn about me, so his recent determination to get together was really throwing me for a loop. OK - Now that I'm sane again. I know there's no way in heck I'm ever seeing this guy again. If I go this nuts over a phone call, I clearly don't have what it takes to get over a meeting. My husband understands completely. The only reason this is even a dilemma is I don't want him to lose "H" as a friend. We've moved every 3-4 years and haven't made many friends since college, so I think it's important to keep the ones we still have. (You never really realize how important friends are to your well-being until you experience a tragedy and realize that no one cares. I saw this myself when I took care of an elderly suicidal in-law this Feb.) When "H" calls, we tell him we're "busy," but I feel so lame doing that, because we're all adults and I'd rather not play any more games. But then the truth is so embarrassing you know? And the thought of him enjoying the idea that I still give a dam# really burns. I don't think I have anything to fear about his intentions. If he'd wanted sex, he had four long years to take advantage of me. I just think he and his wife haven't made very many friends either and have come to realize what they've been missing out on, especially in light of her infertility problems. I'm sure too he misses the "doormat" but that's his problem. Thanks again!!! You're both !!!

You're probably not going to like my advice, but I have some insight into your situation, because I once had a friend who was a single mother of a child with autism. I don't know how serious your son's condition is, but trying to handle autism as a single parent is a full time job in and of itself. The fact that you've voluntarily put this child in foster care while you're still with your husband is a sign of just how difficult it is when you have TWO parents involved, do you honestly think your life will be easier if you try to cope with this by yourself? As much as your husband drives you nuts, I think you need to stay put at this point. He may not be bringing in much income, but he's a built in babysitter and until you can rely on your income alone and have a better handle on your son's problems, to divorce him is to dump one set of problems for a bigger pile. I'm not saying you have to stay with him for the rest of your life, but you have two little lives to consider and bringing more chaos and uncertainty into the picture isn't going to solve things. You could actually end up on the streets if you're not careful. And in my friend's case, having a child with autism actually made it virtually impossible for her to make friends and have lovers, not only because autism is a full time job, but also because most people didn't want to be bothered with the demanding nature of the friendship. She didn't have someone she could regularly rely on, so every person she met, she instantly was asking favors of which tended to make most people feel used. Unless you're lucky enough to receive disability checks from the government for your son's special needs (about $500 a month), you need to get a steady job with good benefits (autism can get quite expensive with all the medicines your son will be taking) or you need to work on expanding your business to the point that it can support your family. (If you'd like good solid free advice about your business from retired successful entrepreneurs, check out your local chapter of link removed ) And Yes, your husband should be doing more, but I suspect that the fact that he knows you don't love him anymore isn't exactly inspiring him to be a good provider. So if you really want out of this marriage, the onus is on you to figure out how you're going to support yourself and the kids. The guy you're in love with might be the one you should spend the rest of your life with, but I think your chances with him would be a lot better if you can stand on your own two feet and prove to him that you're not playing games. No judging, but I actually think it's a good sign this guy's steering clear of you until you've gotten a better handle on your life. It shows he has character, self-esteem, and maturity (enough to know that sometimes love isn't enough). You've basically just showed him you can have sex with someone that isn't your husband or the man you profess to be in love with and the act didn't mean anything to you. That's got to screw with a guy's head and make him wonder if you ever really cared for him and if he should really risk his heart on someone who could cheat on him if he married her. But again if it was meant to be, he'll be there when the time is right. Prove to him that you're worth the wait. Get your finances, kids, and divorce in (that) order. Only then will you be the kind of woman he can trust with his heart. Good luck.

I recently moved back to California where I went to college. When I left California, I honestly thought I'd never be back for two reasons: 1. It's a beautiful state, but the cost of living is outrageous. 2. "H" who broke my heart lives here & I never wanted to see him again. From the first day I met "H" I fell hard. Gut instinct told me he wasn't interested, so for 4 years I kept my feelings to myself which wasn't difficult as long as he wasn't dating. We spent a lot of time together and "H" and I became friends. He called me his "best friend", but the truth was it was a very one-sided friendship. I was the love struck girl who was always running around doing little things for him, thinking she was the luckiest girl in the world because he confided in her. And he was the guy who grew up as an only child who sat back and enjoyed all the attention. We became really close the end of junior year and I felt like we were on the precipice of something more when I left for a month long family trip. When I returned I found out he had met a girl and had fallen in love. They'd only been dating for a short while, but it was quickly apparent that she was the one. He never managed to remember my birthday, but now was cooking her dinners, taking her to concerts, and buying her gifts. I went from spending every evening with him, to seeing him once every few weeks. The only times he called me were when he wanted advice about his relationship or he wanted to borrow something so that he could make something for her. When I hinted to him that I had feelings for him, he let me know in no uncertain terms that he didn't feel that way towards me and never would. To protect myself I stopped spending time with him and surrounded myself with other platonic guy friends. One of those friends was "W" a brilliant guy that "H" couldn't stand. Ironically, the more attention "W" paid to me the more "H" would try to get me back into his life. I had no interest in "W" so you can imagine that "H's" newfound attention was like a knife in my gut. A week before graduation, he called and asked if he could talk to me. He said his girlfriend was pressuring him to get married. She's several years older than him and wanted to get pregnant right away. He told me cared for her, but didn't like that the idea that she didn't want to have a career and that he was being pressured by her parents to get married when they'd known each other less than a year. Knowing my feelings for him, I think he expected me to advise him to not get married, but I couldn't do that. I told him if he really loved her and thought this was the woman he should spend the rest of his life with, than the two years he wanted to wait wouldn't really make all that much of a difference and that he needed to get over his fears. He went silent for a few minutes and asked me to promise him that if he got married, I'd be there. I told him I would, but as soon as he left I broke down in tears. A month after our graduation, we were all invited to "H's" wedding reception. I sent a gift but refused to go. Some might say it was immature, but I knew if I went I'd go crazy and I didn't want to be the center of attention amongst our small group of friends who knew every nuance of our relationship. "H" used to be roommates with my husband and is still friends with him to this day. I never officially had a falling out with "H" but we basically never spoke again. Since my husband sent "H" a Christmas card with our contact information, "H" has been emailing every few months and wants to get together. Last week he called for the first time and I freaked when I heard his voice on the answering machine. He thinks I'd be a great friend to his wife and wants me to console her through her third miscarriage. Normally I'm a very compassionate person, but the thought of meeting this woman just makes me nauseous. I'd feel like I was stuck back in 1994 worshipping the ground he walks on all over again. I never want to get that low again. I've wracked my brains for weeks because a part of me feels I should be enough of an adult by now to get past the heartache and meet "H's" family and pretend the whole thing never happened. But the truth is I have absolutely no desire to meet "H." His definition of friendship is very different from mine and I don't feel like being his doormat anymore. And of course I don't want to take the chance that seeing him again might rekindle those useless painful feelings. It took me 4 years of no contact to fall out of love and I'll be dam#ed if I let myself go there again. My husband knows the entire story. He was the one in fact who helped me get over "H." He understands that I don't want to socialize with "H" but still wants to stay friends with him. The problem is we don't know what to tell "H" every time he calls. My husband invited "H" to a see a basketball game, but "H" only seems to want to socialize as couples. When I left California, I honestly thought I'd never see this guy again and wouldn't ever have to deal with the awkwardness of the situation. I don't want him to think I'm being childish, but at the same time I don't want to tell him the real reason why I find the idea of being friends intolerable. I don't want to write him about it either, because I don't want to sacrifice what little dignity & pride I have left. Any advice on how we can tell him the truth without telling him the truth??? Ugh.

Congratulations on your impending graduation!!! At times like these you really have to take good care of yourself. You deserve it! Turn your brain off and do all the things you've been wanting to do but your Ex talked you out of them. Eat ice cream. Play mindless video games. Watch funny movies. Buy yourself toys from the 25 cent machine. Whatever!? Just enjoy yourself and realize that you don't need her to have fun. It's the first step out of the depression hole. I understand about your Grandma. I was really close to mine too and the last time we spoke, I just knew that it was going to be the last time even though she was in perfect health and spirits. What helps me is to remember the happy times we shared together and how darn lucky I was to have met and been loved by her. Do you have a photo of her or something personal she gave you that you could bring to your ceremony? Bring it. It's her big day too and I'm sure she'll be there in her own way. I'm sure wherever she is, she's very proud of you!!! 8)

You're not pathetic and disgusting. You're scared and confused. You're in a very stressful and terrifying situation and from the way your bf talks it's completely understandable why you're procrastinating breaking up with him. You feel like one wrong move could escalate things and you keep talking to your friends about him, because deep down you hope that they might look at your situation and come up with a completely different answer than leaving him. It's all understandable. It really is. You're scared out of your mind. I also know why you're not going to the police. It's because you don't want to make it seem like a bigger deal than it is and you also don't want to hurt him. You've suffered his BS this long right, what's a few months more, right? The problem is this situation is not going to get better the longer you ignore it. He's not stable and from his own family he's learned that it's acceptable to threaten a woman with violence if that's what it takes to keep her by his side. Even worse, his definition of "leaving him" has now expanded to anything you want to do that does not involve him!?! What the #@$#?! How can you win??? This situation is beyond your friends. You need to call your local YWCA and/or your local women's shelter. You need to talk to someone who's experienced with these matters and hears these stories everyday. Don't be embarrassed or feel like you you shouldn't be calling the shelter because you're not married or he hasn't hit you yet. I volunteered with one of these place and everyone who's ever worked there wishes more women would call us for help BEFORE things escalated. Most of the counselors there were women who experienced domestic violence at some point in their lives and who feel compelled to help. They won't judge you or force you to do anything you're not ready to do. What they most have to offer is a seasoned perspective on how dangerous your situation is and what your options are. And if it makes you feel better, just know that by going for help, you're not betraying him. You're saving him from doing something he might regret for the rest of his life. At the Y, we helped the men there too. Most of the men were required to attend our anger management classes as part of their domestic violence sentences. Surprising only 1/10 would reoffend. Many of them thanked us for teaching them how to express their feelings in more constructive ways and in some cases after trust was rebuilt, the couples were able to reconcile. PS. Don't worry about saving your parents. Put your own life jacket on first.

Have you ever noticed that when you go to the doctor and he tells you you're going to need a shot that if you watch the needle going in, it hurts more than if you look away and don't think about it? Well sex for a girl the first time is kinda the same idea and it hurts much worse if she's dry, scared, and preoccupied with how much it's going to hurt. Fortunately there's a better way. I know you've already told her you'll go her pace, but I think things will go much smoother if the night is more about the journey and less about the destination. Tell her she's the one who's going to have to tell you when she's ready for it (hmmm maybe beg? lol) and until then your focus will just be on pleasuring her as much as possible in as many ways as possible. If it doesn't happen that night, that's okay, practice makes perfect. The important thing is to let her decide the moment or moments. Have fun and use protection!

Hi Leanne, Is there any way you can share a flat with 3 other classmates? I know you're staying with the boyfriend, but with all the chaos going on in your life, it's probably better for your studies and your relationship if you live near campus. It's also important to create a life independent of your boyfriend, so that you'll know you can rely on yourself when times get bad. (I'd hate to see you out on the street if you guys ever split.) I'm sorry your Mum has failed you. You obviously don't deserve it. You have to know in your heart that despite all the bad things that have happened, none of it is your fault, so it's pointless to dwell on it. A few so-so marks won't sink you, but dropping out will. Focus on how you're going to support yourself and get your degree. Cut back on your course load if you must, but never give up. Never give up!

Maybe I can lend a fresh perspective. I'm the shy girl who is NOT hot. (I refuse to call myself ugly. I have enough self-esteem issues as is.) How unhot am I? Well let's just say I've never had a stranger hit on me. In college I had lots of girlfriends ask me, "You're not really that pretty. Why are guys attracted to you???" And when I got married, quite a few guests and relatives told me how "lucky" I was to marry my husband. So what's my secret? It's simple. I didn't worry about how many people found me unattractive. I just made friends with as many guys as possible. It wasn't a deliberate dating strategy. It was just what I felt comfortable with. But now that I'm older I see how smart a strategy that was. While the pretty stuck-up girls were passively waiting for a guy to ask them out, I was already inviting their crushes to see a movie or just hang out. Inevitably one of those guys became more than a friend and we got happily married. Not every guy was cool of course. Some of them wouldn't even speak to me because I didn't meet their minimum hottie quotient. But interestingly enough those were the guys I found who didn't have many friends, period. The bottom line is no matter how unattractive you (and others) may think you are, you're never going to make it to first base if you self-eliminate yourself from the dating world and your mind is repeating "I'm ugly and no one will ever want me" over and over. The world is cruel enough as is without us voluntarily tearing ourselves to pieces. If you're getting shot down at the bar, try a different tactic. Hang out where the type of girl you'd like to meet hangs out and befriend as many as possible. You want a girl with heart, volunteer at a worthwhile cause. You like drama, hang out at the local community theater. You want a woman who makes you breathless, join a running club. You get the picture? It's ALL about increasing your odds. And your odds are much better if you court a woman who already shares your interests and has had a chance to get to know you one on one. Even better, if you're doing something you love, you're bound to be more attractive to others because you're exuding your best self: confident, happy, and fun. One last thing: I know it's hard being a shy unattractive male, but I disagree that it's any easier being a shy unattractive woman. A physically unattractive man can be considered attractive if he attains status, power, or wealth. Despite ERA, a woman's worth is still basically defined by her beauty. Just look at your own posts which seem to equate a beautiful woman's rejection of you as proof that you're worthless. Isn't that sick and demeaning to all of us?

Just because a few women haven't fallen for you lately doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It just means that for whatever reason you're hitting on the ones who aren't interested or available. She could have left for any number of reasons. She could be married (not everyone wears a ring to the gym) or attached. She could be lesbian. She might be shy and uncomfortable being hit on when she works out. (I'm shy about that and know I'd freak.) She could be a doctor and her beeper went off. Maybe she just wanted to be alone. Whatever. Just don't take it personally. It's no reflection on you. She doesn't even know you! So imho it's her loss!!! The important thing is to just keeping putting yourself out there. I know it's hard, but I really believe that if you invest the time to make friends with as many girls as possible, women in general won't seem so intimidating and talking to them will come naturally. Think of it as cognitive therapy for girl phobia.

He's done this to you twice before. Did he ever explain why he broke it off those times? And when he came crawling back, what realizations did he come to? I know you're preoccupied with the current breakup, but there's a pattern here that might give you a clue as to why he keeps doing this.

Good one! I guess turning 30 hasn't done much for her maturity level. You deserve better, but don't need me to tell you that. Do you have a separate phone option like a cellphone? I'd tell your friends to call you on the mobile and let your Ex leave all the messages she wants on your voicemail. Have a friend listen to the messages for you and only relay what you need to know. Maybe someday when she's saner you can talk.

The reason why I recommended the dinner was cuz I thought you primarily broke up over the commitment issue and it seemed like you both were giving each other hints that you both were ready to commit. If there are other issues involved, then maybe you should try being a friend first and find out what's been going on with her since you two separated. I realize you're already on friendly terms, but it sounds like you both were living your own lives for quite some time. Why did she split with her latest ex? Does she ever see herself getting back with him? Naturally your curiosity will encourage hers and if she's interested in getting back together with you, she'll probably have quite a few questions of her own.

Quote for the Day: "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Oy vey, she is playing games. I apologize for getting it all wrong. You clearly don't deserve what she's dishing out. Time to switch gears. She is who she is - exactly as you see her now. She isn't whoever you fell in love with. Do you want to keep trying to have a relationship with this person??? She doesn't seem to know what the heck she wants from you and seems determined to bite your head off when you do make an attempt to please her. And why do I get the strong impression that if you succeed in ignoring her again, you'll get more songs on your voicemail?

You're smart not to want to mix biz with pleasure. But I don't think you'd be here asking for advice, if some part of you wasn't strongly attracted to her. It's hard to read her motives, but you have to ask yourself "What's the worst that could happen and can I live with that?" (Forgive me for not being familiar with how a singer can rip off a producer. I kinda thought if the singer does well, you both benefit, right?) Anyhoo, if you can handle the downside and are willing to take the risk, I say go for it. Cuz she's definitely throwing lots of hints your way! 8)

Jeez. So there's two of us crazy women in the world, huh? OK - I know it all seems like she's playing a game, but from my point of view she's not over you and there's a part of her which refuses to give up and is still trying to get you to be her romantic ideal. She wants the guy who can't live without her, who wants her passionately, and shows it. If you reread your own statements, it's clear that you're a very rational, practical common sense kind of guy who's ruled by his head not his heart. Nothing wrong with that, but you're clearly driving her nuts because she's the sort that wants big gestures of love. That's why she blew up with you when it took you 2 days to respond to her heartfelt declaration of love with that song on your voicemail. (I know, I know she's being irrational. You're officially no longer a couple after all.) But by picking that song, she's effectively saying "Look Mister. I want to love you, but you're not giving me what I need to hang onto this relationship, and it's killing me. It's making me really sad. Why won't you share your feelings? I don't want to leave this relationship, but I feel like you're leaving me no choice, because you just don't seem to get me and you're not giving me what I need to stay." So long story short. I think you gotta decide if you want to be with her and if you can give her what she wants. If you can't meet her half way, tell her that you're sorry, but it just wasn't meant to be and enforce NC. In the long run you'll be doing her a favor by freeing her up to find someone else who's better suited to her emotional needs.