luciddreamer

Hi, you're probably right. Inexperience. To my knowledge he, at 31, has had 2 serious gf's. One was from high school 7 yrs til college, then the other was when he was in his master's program with a girl 7 years younger. I'd wager that relationship skills were not really built up to the adult degree. (not that I don't have my own issues w/communication, as illustrated). I honestly don't think he's had to have "the talk" too many times. And probably hasn't dated/slept with anyone in a while. To update, we talked for a couple hours Friday and we both admitted things got screwy and we both had a part in that. We didn't get to 'the talk' or my asking him to get tested to alleviate my anxiety... I was trying to just get us back to the friends/talking stage, but if things get back on track I will. I'm not sure if things will be irrevocably screwed up by this, but either way I'm glad we talked. It was really uncomfortable not having even spoken/him avoiding me in his wounded pride/whatever situation. thanks for everyone's advice.

Yes thanks for your thoughts. I am willing to take responsibility for my part and I know it's different b/c of his social anxiety/extreme rejection thing. So I feel like all the normal rules don't quite apply. I don't mind taking more than my share of the blame--clearly he was ignorant, not trying to hurt/impregnate me or anything!--if it helps things. Thing is he is dealing by being angry and blowing it up into rejection of everything he is/we are. He doesn't know about my past negative experience (mentioned earlier) w/o protection. Would that matter to him?

Yes, he does have the right to walk away if he thinks it's irretrievable. I very well may have lost him in 30 unintended seconds. What pains me is him sort of extrapolating my "rejection" and saying (in his letter) it meant i thought we werent that close, though he emphasized _he_ thought we were, cared for me, --> he's wasting his time since i don't feel it too ---> he should move on. I believe he knows how strongly i feel about him, how close we were, somewhere under that hurt.

thanks for the post. i'm not sure i could be as disciplined and open in communication as you given my shyness but i definitely wish i had spoken up about sex the second or so time we made out (we had only kissed about 4 times before this happened... nothing more than french kissing and no clothes removed). it would have seemed premature and defensive, but look where i am now.

that was my dumb attempt at humor. I have the utmost respect for him and accept my part in this. i tried to put him off but i agree it wasn't assertive enough. i never ever thought he would try to get inside me. i was thinking about it last night, part of my freak out is that i had unprotected sex w/my committed boyfriend and got a STI (temporary skin virus) which was very traumatic. i promised myself i'd never do that to anyone or let it happen to me again. i wish he would agree to move on and learn from this, as the other poster said. he did not return my call last night.

You're absolutely right. But his was off in (the last) 3 seconds. I was literally startled. No time to react except to do the ungraceful whatever-i-exclaimed. i've never seen such a trick pulled in all my 30 years. Really.

Hmm perhaps more like I made such a big mistake it could never be fixed? Hmm come to think of it he never acknowledged in the ltr that he had a part to play in the misunderstanding But, I can't understand how huge this is for a socially anxious person. He said it's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened. Will this ego focus fade over the next couple of days or will he close down/shut down more?

That is a hard lesson I learned... based on the first three times i thought there would be a little fooling around but no way in the "ballpark" for sex. I'll never make the "unclear boundaries" mistake again. Thanks

Hi, I was going out with this guy, 31, smart, phd student, we got along great for 2 months. we hit it off on mutual values and interests. Very intellectually compatible. I was struck by how he didn't try to touch me or anything the first month.. just kisses on the cheek. Slowly we started getting more physical and the last five or so time some kissing and cuddling. We spent four nights together at his place or mine just holding each other mostly. It felt great. Last weekend, we were making out and it suddenly went from base #1 to trying to "steal home~"! What i mean is he was touching me down there and got my underwear off. I was so confused given what had come before and said some things like 'aren't we skipping some steps' but i don't think he understood. I was bewildered but it felt good so he could tell i was into it --even though i moved his hand off me a few times and said those things. He then takes off his underwear and tries to penetrate me... I freaked. My bad, i didn't handle it too smoothly. I was shocked. Not only had we gone too fast, had not talked about being intimate, about past partners, about where we were going... there was no contraception around to speak of either. I tried to cover the awkwardness by telling him these things but he was not hearing it. He felt really awkward and left. The thing is he used to have severe social anxiety (was on meds at one point) and i guess this was a huge rejection. We hadn't talked for a while and though he saID via text that it was ok...he just wanted more intimacy /conection but 'i guess i read wrong'... i could sense his distance. i dropped a letter off last night at his house telling him how much i value what was building with us and explaining i was sorry, reiterating that it wasn't a rejection so much as time and circumstance, that i wanted to just make sure we were both serious about pursuing this with each other because intimacy is a pretty big deal to me. he wrote me back and focused on being embarrassed and feeling crappy about that moment. then he said he doesn't have time for a relationship anyway since school pressures are major, that he has learned not to base happiness on a relationship, and 'it would be cool if we could just be friends.' i am absolutely crushed that it all came down to that when everything else was so perfect. I know he really liked me because the way he looked at me and the time we spent just getting to know each other, introducing me to his friends, etc. i think he thought my rejection of his sexual advance meant i did not feel close enough to him, which is not true, emotionally i did but not physically and not without talking about it/taking precautions. any advice on what to do, especially from those with social anxiety, would be appreciated! thanks for listening. PS yes, i read his letter on valentine's day.

i didn't know if it was the long distance (on and off for 4 yrs) or irreconcilable stuff like whether i could meet his emotional needs (questioned myself: was this irreconcilable or a matter of me saying, do whatever it takes because that is what unconditional love is) and him wanting to play the field and assuage his feelings of sexual inferiority by sleeping around... recently read 'how to be an adult in relationships' (d. richo) and i recommend it.... one of the checklists was me and my ex EXACTLY... the fear of abandonment versus the fear of being engulfed (me). a little knowledge would've gone a long way, but i wouldn't have read it if we hadn't broken up and the situation making me determined to work on myself..... Whatever we do, let's not say "I don't know why it happened.' You can't learn and go on if you don't look at yourself honestly and see the debris on the ground.

Hi, iwantherback, I'm just like you, though I'm a woman...my situation is that my ex and i were 'in limbo' for the last year after breaking up (we were together 3 years total) and 10 days after telling me he loved me and maybe we could work it out, he had hooked up with someone else on a layover. (I pieced this part together but am fairly sure). Then two weeks later he was sleeping with her and told me that we should go NC so i would stop haunting him and he could have a chance with her (though he still loved me, blech). How do i cope? i am compassionate and empathize that perhaps he is confused and in pain, and sincerely believes he is getting over me in a healthy way by doing this, regardless of the possibility that he's not dealing with the loss in the plain and solitary way needed. if he's happy, that's good. i have to do what i need to do and do what's best for me...which, as you said, is not to jump into some sexual fling with someone who has superficial compatibility or is able to comfort me. let it (these thoughts of your ex and whoever) come into your consciousness, then fully try to let them go realizing you can't change anything, and shouldn't. i plan to get over this loss in a way that does not bring baggage into the future.

Sounds like you are making progress, good for you. Fear is often behind the actions that hold us back. .. but everything happens as it should. Sometimes you just can't control what life gives you, and it will eat you alive to try to manipulate another person's feelings, actions, thoughts... check out 'everything arises, everything falls away: teachings on impermanence and the end of suffering', and zen and the art of falling in love. hang in there..

sometimes (often)? getting reassurance that you want to /are able to be their friend just eases their guilt that they're hurting you... we are all afraid to lose the familiar; it may not really be that she wants to keep up the talking and communication, but just wants to psychologically know she could if she wants to. things are probably really tumultuous right now for both of you, but hang in there and let it be if you can stand it...

Hi, I agree with the other posters.... I dated someone (we recently separated for good) who had low self esteem derived from childhood physical and emotional abuse and being sexually molested by a teenage girl. I never found out how deep these problems ran; he always needed more nurturing and wanted to 'be adored' by me. I will never know how much of our problems were from my being a bit 'cold' and naturally different personality-wise and unable to give this kind of attention freely, and how much was of his consuming need and dependency. But in the end I guess I have to accept that love can't heal your partner of these wounds... they have to examine them and decide that they don't want these issues to negatively influence all areas of their life. Open communication is best if such a relationship has a chance, and both partners wanting to make it work. (Because we all have some sort of emotional trauma or baggage from the past to some degree--)