HurtDude

I agree...the sudden distancing means something is up.

Jayar, Ladybug, and Caro: I'm under no delusions as to what i would be should I ever be in a relationship with her. But its been 3 months since she made me second best to him and i felt as though the time might have changed that. I guess I was wrong she and him do still have a very strong chemistry and deep mutual love for each other. She DOES regret what she did with me, but says it was just the icing on the cake since her 7 year relationship had many problems. When I asked her "If you could go back in time and do this all over again, would you?" she replied with "I'd wait longer and let things with my ex end before I start anything with you. That way we could have gotten off on the right foot" So what you guys are saying is true, but is simply killing it the best way to go? Blender: Yes is the answer to all of the questions you posed, except the last one. you seem to have a good grasp on the situation, either you're very intuitive, or I explained the situation really well or both. But your advice, though well intentioned and admittedly the right thing to do, is just so hard. Its more trouble than its worth. How do i get her to respect me, without doing it the "im never speaking to ou again" way. I don't think that works with her. she's desensatized to it, if i start to ignore her again..i'm sure she'll say "here we go again...screw this guy he keeps ignoring me.."

Anyone actually taking the time to read this is seriously going to receive some sort of a gift or something of the sort from me. This is long, but I hope you'll bare with me. This story has been printed elsewhere, but this is the summary and update, alot has changed since i last posted here, still about the same girl. Summary: I am 20, so is she. We're both in the same University. I met this girl back in August who had a boyfriend of 7 years. Her boyfriend lives in another state. She and I became very close and she eventually cheated on her boyfriend with me. For several weeks, things were perfect, barring her boyfriend, and we eventually came to love one another. Then she told him about me, they broke up, and she began to feel really guilty. Slowly, things between us weren't as firey and passionate as they were before. We stopped having sex, and it stopped being that "honeymoon" phase. Before Thanksgiving she told me she wanted to see how she felt when she saw him, since he was flying in to stay with her. They were not intimate but she says as soon as she saw him, she wanted things to return to the way they were with him. He said no to her and she was okay with that. After he left, she and I saw each other, and she kissed me alot and hugged me and told me she just felt guilty. Then Christmas break came along, and she went back to her hometown (the place where her now ex-boyfriend lives). She stayed there for about 2 months, and says she had no intimate contact with him but that she spoke with him daily and say him regularly. She spoke with me daily as well, but not as often as before. Two weeks before she got back, she admitted to me that she felt like things weren't going anywhere with me, that she felt tethered to her hometown and her way of life, and what her boyfriend meant to her. she says he is responsible for alot of things in her life and that he is a huge influence on her. I got really angry and initiated NO CONTACT, as per the advice given on this message board. After two weeks of this heart wrenching ordeal, I finally felt like I could do without her. then my phone slipped up, and sent her a text message. She responded immediately. we started talking again, and she admitted to me that during my no contact with her she was trying to cut her emotional ties to me, but could not do it. Then she gets back here. We see each other the 2nd night she's here. We wound up kissing, and she wound up telling me that she doesn't know anything and that she fears letting me go for regret of what "could-be" she asked me if we could be friends for now and see what happens later. For a while we did this, we remained just friends. But I was seeing her once every 4 days, and this was just so hurtful to me, when all of this started..I was seeing her EVERY SINGLE DAY, RAIN OR SNOW, WHETHER OR NOT WE HAD OTHER PLANS. She always made time for me, like I was the one thing she wanted all day. Not now, now she makes lame excuses not to see me, cancels frequently, or leaves early. I tried kissing her a few times, but she just pecks me quickly and nothing else. We talk through text messaging throughout the day-every day. And we talk for 3 hours every night (by her charge that is, she initiates this type of contact). We talk about everything usually. And sometimes she'll tell me how much she misses me, other times she tells me how much she still loves her ex-boyfriend, whom she keeps in very close contact with (they speak daily too. About a week and a half ago, things erupted between us and we said very nasty mean things to each other. I asked her why things were different now and she said the "no contact" thing really hurt her, and it really takes time for her to heal those kinds of scars. I asked her if she and i would ever be in a relationship and she said she just doesn't know. The next day we saw each other and we sat down and talked about this, she told me there was no way she could ever just stop talking to me, and that purposefully cutting her feelings away for me was stupid. She kissed me (not like before, it was very short and almost forced). after that things were great and we were seeing each other almost daily, she was starting to display more passion towards me in our phone calls. She even hinted at the possibility sex and the romantic stuff we did before (very subtle though, and in an unsure kind of way). Today Its been 4 days since I've seen her, she cancelled on a movie night we were supposed to have last night. she has a myspace, and her main picture is of her with her ex boyfriend. (no, they aren't back together or anything), and he's visiting her in two weeks. We were talking on the phone about all this, her telling me her plans. somehow we got on the subject of life..and she said "I just feel stuck, [insert my name]" "I feel really stuck emotionally, and I don't know what to do about anything and its really stressing me out".. Later on in the day (about 4 hours ago).. She's on her period, which I think has a major thing to do with what happened. we were supposed to take a class together and she backed out on it. today was the last day to add it and she recently told me she was going to add it, because she wanted to take a class with me. well...she changed her mind AGAIN. Didn't add the class, i got really pissed off on the phone with and just said "i'm gonna go to class now..bye" she said " " and hung up. Haven't heard from her since. I know 4 hours is nothing, but this girl can't go 10 minutes without sending me a text message, so she must be pissed at me, even though I really didnt do anything wrong here. I'm at a loss as to what to do here. I know many of you are tempted to say..NO CONTACT but thats too drastic for this situation..ive tried it before with her about 2 or 3 times...it just doesn't work. It doesn't phase her in the positive way at all. Some of you might even want to say , "hey sit down with her and talk about all this' but not even that would work..we talk about "it" so much frankly i think she'll hang up if I bring it up again. And I know what she wants to say..."Things aren't the same way as before and you need to just deal, im very lost emotionally, i still love my ex and he loves me, and my feelings for you are strong but i just cant be in a relationship with you right now" Any thoughts on what could be going on with this girl? How best to approach this, and how best to let her decide who or what she wants. Her is..well...hes just a person shes known and loved for 6 years...i feel like I can't compete and I tell her that often, but she says that I'm amazing in my own rights and that shes so glad she met me...yadda yadda... just very lost and hurt. Letting her go is like burying something alive-just can't do it. So i need alternatives. I'm not so much hurt as I am confused.

She keeps texting me. Texting me random stuff. Texting me to call. She hasn't read the letter yet. This is so painful for me. I love her so much and i want her to be mine so badly but she doesn't want it. She's going to hate me when she gets that letter and figures out why i haven't been replying.

True. But this isn't the case here. I'm dumping her because I feel like she doesn't care about me as much as I care about her. That statement could be false though, maybe she cant be with me because of her emotional state with her ex. Maybe she does care about me and does love me the way i love. but the problem is she still isn't being and giving what i need. By the way this girl and I were never in a relationship. I'm just calling it dumping because I'm cutting it off.

I dumped a girl that I was never with. Yesterday. The girl got involved with me while she was in a 7 year relationship with her boyfriend.When all the secrets where out and he left her, she started having feelings for him. I haven't seen her in a month. But we keep in contact on a regular basis, and she frequently says and does things that imply we are more than just friends and that she loves me (but never says it that bluntly). Yesterday I was questioning her about the old boyfriend. She said they talk and see each other daily, and that the feelings are still there. So I typed up a response in which I told her that She should stop making me feel like I'm more than a friend, and that I was going to initiate no contact with her. She hasn't read my email yet (it tells me when she has). I feel good in many ways. Like I'm finally in control, being the dumper affords you alot of control. But, on the other hand I wonder if I'm walking away from something that is still there. Its like that feeling like I'm burying something alive. Pretty hard to do. She's going to be pissed when she reads it. But I know this girl, she respects my wishes..if only to spite me in this case. I can see the thought in her head now "Fine, he wants his space. I'm gonna give him it, and plenty" I am going to try to get over her. But I will not lie to you. I am doing this partly because I hope that after a few weeks of no contact with me, she'll start to miss me. Absense makes the heart grow fonder yeah? We'll see. But being the dumper has its drawbacks. I didn't dump her because i stopped loving her, or because I stopped caring, or because i dont want a relationship with her. I dumped her because she told me she doesn't see it happening between us, on several occasions. But that she cares deeply about me, yadda yadda. I'm only the second person she's loved. How easy could it be for her to forget me in a few weeks? we'll see.

Just hung up with her. It took a while to ask her but i did. And she didn't say much, she kept humming and saying "I feel alot better now" over and over again. So I kept making forward remarks and statements until she finally said, "He said we can't be in a relationship right now, it would have been nice if he would have forgiven me though, but I'm okay with it now" It took me a while to think about this, but basically that implies that she WANTED to get back together with him.....and he turned HER down. I had no idea that her intentions were to get back with him, but now hes rejected her. Makes me so angry, this means the last few weeks or so she's spent with me...were also spent trying to win her Ex back. When asked about whether or not she kissed him..she said yes...once. Damnit. What now?

Ok so he left. And she called me. But its been 25 minutes and its been just CHIT CHAT. i DONT WANT TO *ASK* about what sort of conclusion she came to. What should I do??? Or is it okay to ask her "so, whats going on with..." etc.

I have a question. And it may be one of logic. If I leave now, while its apparant we both want each other, that means her only option will be her boyfriend. Doesn't that make him a little less desireable if he becomes her only option. Won't it make me more desireable because I'm no longer an option? If I put her away for a little while with "I can't see you right now, let me know when you are emotionally available, see you around." Won't that be putting her lights out while at the same time leaving the door open for the future? Possibly the near future of 4 or 5 months?

So this morning she sent me a text about how she had a dream about me and was telling her boyfriend about it. why on earth would she tell him about it? and no, she isn't lying, she is mature. But why would she tell him....what must HE be thinking?

yea...I see.

She's told me about 5 or 6 times that she loves me. That makes me the second person in her life she's ever said that to. She doesn't say i love you often, given the current situation, but when she does I know she means it.

Again, are you implying that she and i sit down and talk about this? Should I tell her I'm walking away? "Hey, I just wanted you to know, I'm going to ignore you and your calls and your texts for a very long time. Have a nice life?" How do I approach this?

I've had doubts about whether or not she actually left him in the past. However, I'm pretty sure that she told him about me. Beyond that I cannot assume anything else, or WHAT she has told him about me. I guess waiting for a verdict from her is all I can do. I just feel like if I were to move on, I would be burying something that is alive. I can't do that. I can't kill this creature that she and I have created together. Love.

I'd like to hear them. Please, even if you think you are pointing out the obvious. Anything will be of relief to me.